understanding – INTERMIN

The human body needs basic nutrients to thrive and last. So does your marriage. With these qualities, marriages can thrive. Without them, they die. So, let’s learn our ABCs.

Accept Each Other

Acceptance means taking one another just as you are. The English word even comes from a Latin word that means, literally, to take to oneself. Accepting your spouse doesn’t mean you totally approve of everything he or she does, or the negative ways he or she acts. Acceptance means we’re on the same team, not competitors.

Husbands and wives know their partner’s strengths and weaknesses. Even so, rather than wishing they were married to someone else, they learn to recognize their strengths and build on them, while strengthening their weaknesses. The combination is dynamic and leads to a strong lasting marriage.

Success or failure both depend more on attitude than ability. Sure, other people might have an easier time building a great marriage because they have strengths that you and your spouse don’t naturally possess. But you are not other people. Recognize what your strengths are, and also your weaknesses; work together in mutual acceptance, and your marriage will become healthier.

Believe the Best

Human nature tends to look for the worst and believe the worst. But we chose our beliefs, so believe the best instead.

Suspicion damages many relationships, sometimes beyond repair. If you don’t have solid reasons for your suspicions, dump them.

Have you ever encountered a marriage that was infected with criticism? The children inherit it, and suspicion fills the home like a chilling fog. When that happens, even innocent acts or words take on negative meanings.

Years ago our family lived in Penang. One dark, early morning, I went to meet a friend. As I waited for him I saw two monkeys on the grass playing with a broken tree limb. As the sun rose I could see that it was really just . . . one monkey. Then, as it got still brighter, I realized that there were . . . no monkeys. I thought, “That is just how you imagine that people toy with your reputation. But in the light you see how mistaken you were.” Put your unsupported suspicions to rest. Believe the best instead.

Concentrate on Understanding

Understanding requires attentive listening. It’s harder than you think, because most of us spend more energy making our point than understanding someone else. My wife once told me that I was the only person she knew who could leave a room without using the door! Sure, my body was there, but not my mind. My mind was on the next task, the next meeting. If you are like that, start learning how to listen and how to understand. It takes some work, but its worth the work it takes.

Destroy Prejudice

Prejudiced? Me? Actually, most of us are, whether we admit it or not.

Prejudice means making an uninformed judgement. It’s deciding that you don’t like something before you even try it. It’s rejecting an idea because you didn’t think of it. It’s determining that you will not like your husband’s sister before you have had a chance to get to know her. It’s passing judgement on your teenager’s music just because you don’t like the rhythm or volume.

Prejudice blocks understanding. Therefore, prejudiced people live dry, shrunken lives and miss many joys. Prejudiced people use words like, “That’s stupid!” “How dumb!” Open-minded people ask for more information.

Destroy prejudice by refusing to make judgements until you know the facts. Then, allow the facts to convince you and change the way you see. You might discover joys you didn’t know existed, and your partner will feel more valued.

Encourage Openness

You can invite openness, but you can never force it. People are not oysters to be pried open with the edge of a knife. We should respect every person’s right to privacy even if that privacy frustrates the relationship. At the same time, invite openness by showing concern and being trustworthy.

Many spouses do try to force their partners to talk to them, rather than encouraging them to talk. Such forcing breeds resentment and even more silence.

The more I know that I am safe with you, the more I will open up to you. As an ancient proverb says, “A true friend is one to whom you can pour out the contents of your heart, wheat and weeds mixed together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will sift through it, keeping the wheat and letting the weeds blow away.”

Forgive Impulsiveness

All of us say words we would like to get back, words spoken carelessly or in a moment of frustration.. When your spouse says something of that kind, either let it go or ask for some clarification. Above all, don’t redefine the relationship, or person, because of one unguarded outburst. Would you want to be defined by your worst moments? Of course not.

Grant Grace

Grace is what we need from one another when our worst comes out, not our best. Grace is unearned kindness. In any relationship, grace is an absolute essential, for all of us are difficult to live with at times. When your husband or wife wakes up in a bad mood, you can choose to react negatively or respond positively. Granting grace is the positive response. You need it, so be sure you give it.

Humble Yourself

You cannot humble your spouse or anyone else. You can humiliate that person, making him or her feel small and shameful. Some people have developed that into a real art. But no amount of humiliation will make a person truly humble.

Humbling yourself doesn’t mean that you become a doormat. Humility is simply the difference between reasonableness and stubbornness, between unresolved conflict and agreement.

Now you know your ABCs. Use these building blocks to make a stronger marriage and family.

The Race

Track and Field Day at the international school. The high school boys line up for the 1600 meter race. At the sharp, “Crack!” of the starter’s gun the runners explode from the starting line, each boy straining to get the maximum results from his body. Sixteen hundred meters later, one would win; one would be the fastest, the best. Four others would lose, though they may have trained and competed just as well.

The favorites in this race were an Australian boy and a Singaporean. Both ran well, and the race was close. But with a final charge the Australian overtook the Singaporean, winning by a nose. Cheers! Joy! Disappointment. You find them all at the finish line.

The mother of that second-place boy publicly chided and rebuked her son because he didn’t win. The sight saddened us. As if losing wasn’t bad enough, he also had to endure his mother’s scorn.

Why did she treat him so harshly? Perhaps she thought it would help her son become a better person or motivate him to excel. After all, doesn’t everyone know that (as some Asians have told us) “if you say good, bad will happen?”

Another boy ran a race that day, a boy who had no hope of winning. He entered the race only to gain participation points for his team. He ran his heart out, but he still finished last.

Last place! Does anybody ever want to be last? But his dad met that boy at the finish line, praised him and encouraged him. The dad told him how proud he was that his son had finished the race. That young man won his own contest that day, the contest with his will. Some winners will never hear the cheering crowds, but they surely should have parents who applaud their efforts.

Those two young men learned different lessons that day. The first boy learned that he must win or be a failure. (Remember kiasu?) The second boy learned that even if you finish last, you may still succeed. Which is the better lesson?

The Recital

A young piano student prepares for his recital. Small fingers make big strides and a lively imagination pours inspiration into the music. The night of the recital finally comes. He confidently walks to the piano, seats himself . . . and starts playing the wrong piece! Crying with embarrassment, he runs from the stage, wishing he could vaporize. (As they said in Star Trek, “Beam me up, Scotty!”) Life can be hard for an eight-year-old, especially when his friends and family see him fail.

But wait! The power of compassion breaks tradition. Later in the program the music teacher asks him to play again. Unusual, but very right. The student returns to the piano and plays a piece he had composed. The room erupts with encouraging applause. Tears come to his parents’ eyes, for a second chance was just what their son needed to save the day. He had that chance, thanks to a teacher who broke tradition and broke the power of discouragement as well.

How much like Jesus, who always gave his disciples a second chance to succeed. Being with Jesus must have been one of life’s most encouraging experiences. His disciples learned from their failures, and became stronger because of the lessons the Master taught them.

Encouragement unlocks your child’s heart. Many parents have succeeded in gaining maximum accomplishments from their children, but have never gained entrance to their child’s soul. That is because discipline can win a child’s respect, but encouragement wins his affection.

Encouragement is like a blood transfusion. When a child’s courage oozes away through a wound to the inner person, that child needs a transfusion of fresh courage. Moms and dads can give that to their children, but only if they see the need, take the time, make a connection, and reach their child’s heart.

According to the verse we quoted at the beginning, it’s the faint-hearted who need encouragement. That is a descriptive word. It means the person with a small soul. Haven’t you known times when your child’s confidence seemed to shrivel up like a dried flower? When that happens, a parent’s encouragement can make all the difference.

Encouragement rejuvenates. When we encourage our children we help them stand up on the inside. All of us have times when we feel overwhelmed, and for children those times can come often. They constantly face new tasks and must learn to handle new emotions. What tremendous assets we are to them when we seize every opportunity to encourage.

The Power of Gentleness

A man I highly respect told the following story about his daughter. During her teenage years she went through a troubled time. In fact, her parents felt they were losing touch with her. Then her dad had an idea. One day, on his way home from work, he bought her a small present, nothing expensive, but something he knew she liked. That night he went to her room and gave it to her. He told her how much he loved her, and sat by her side while she opened her heart to him. Quietly, he listened as she revealed her fears, her concerns, her doubts. He didn’t say much that night. He just touched her hand gently and prayed for her.

That is a beautiful picture of encouragement in action. He saw her need. He took time to listen, instead of lecturing. He reached out to her, he spoke softly, and he prayed. Did it help? Oh, yes! It was the key to her heart, and it kept the connection between them open.

Are We Blind?

Some parents see every problem as a discipline problem. They are blind to their child’s need for encouragement. What causes such blindness?

Self-centered living makes us blind to our family’s real needs. A self-centered person rarely sees the pain of another. I have known men and women with great vision for their business , but who could not see their child’s real needs.

The glare of prosperity and achievement can blind our eyes to our children’s needs. Some parents give their children things instead of attention, substituting another toy or gadget for real love. It won’t work. You get what you pay for. Substitute possessions for attention and you get a child who only loves you (if you can call it love) for what you give him. Love your child enough to get involved and you gain entrance to his heart for life. Love means involvement. It always has and it always will. Are you involved in your child’s life? Do you know the fears, the desires, and the struggles he faces?

Lack of Understanding is a kind of blindness. For several years of John’s childhood, his parents disciplined him when they should have encouraged him. They loved John, yet were blind to his real needs, his deeper needs. They only saw the outward expressions of those needs in his negative behavior.

A perceptive counselor at their son’s school helped them understand that his problems needed a different approach. Their son wanted to cooperate, but he was frustrated by difficulties they were blind to. They still needed to discipline him at times. But when they saw his real needs they learned to encourage more and discipline more effectively.

Encouragement is the mark of effective leaders. Through it they raise their followers’ spirits, leading them to accomplish mighty deeds and win impossible battles.

Winston Churchill knew how to encourage. He spoke hope to the British people during the long days and nights of German bombings. He reminded them of who they were and what they could do, and assured them that victory would be theirs. All children need parents who can do that for them in a way they can understand at their age. Little soldiers often fight big battles.

Like water to a thirsty plant, encouragement makes our children flourish. Who pours fresh hope into your daughter when she makes a mistake in her recital? Who stands by your son when he misses the goal that would have won the game? Think about your own life as a child. Weren’t there more discouragers than encouragers? Teachers, coaches, tutors, playmates: everyone seemed too busy to encourage. For most of us, a few people, perhaps only one or two, stand out. They were the encouragers, the life-changers. Wouldn’t you like to be one of those rare people in your child’s life?

Among my treasures I have a card from one of my sons. He wrote it during his teen years. In it he calls me a great dad and a great encourager. I don’t know if I always deserved those titles, but what joy to know my son saw me that way.

We will see our child’s need for encouragement if we ask Jesus, the Great Physician, to heal our vision. Then we will begin seeing our children as He sees them. It’s not a sin to be blind, but it is a sin to stay blind when sight is available. Will you pray this prayer?

“Lord Jesus, you alone can give sight to the blind. We ask you to open our eyes to our children. Help us to see them as you see them and to love them as you love them. Show us what blinds us. If we have shut our eyes, refusing to see, forgive us. Grant us the courage to open our eyes and see our selves and our children as we really are.”

The ABCs of Healthy Communication