A Perfect Ending to a Lousy Day

by Mike Constantine

John comes home from work one day to find Sally in tears. “I am a terrible mother,” she cries!

“I don’t know why I ever let you get me pregnant! Any mother could do this better than me.”

Her three year old, Timmy, had tried to see how many revolutions a goldfish will make when you flush it down the toilet. He tried to teach the cat to swim too. Then he unwound a whole roll of toilet paper, wrapped himself it, and stalked around the house droning, “You’re not the mummy! I am the mummy.” Certainly not the kind of potty training she had in mind. All of that before lunch.

The rest of the day was even more daunting. Timmy, the three year old tornado, has reduced a perfectly capable mother– a woman with a masters degree and a nice even temperament– into a defeated mass of regrets. Did I mention that she is expecting their second child, too?

You’ve had days like that haven’t you? No? Oh. You’re one of those perfect parents who have discovered the foolproof secret to tranquil child raising. The rest of us secretly hope that the next time you and your husband or wife make love, the result will be a Timmy. Then we’ll see how tranquil you are. Heh, heh.

Prevent or Repair?

Now, this little article could go in many directions. We could follow Timmy and see what happens to a boy who has innocently unraveled his mom, as well as the toilet roll. Or we could follow his mom, Sally.

But remember John? He’s the daddy, and he just came home from a long hard day at the office and a truly horrible commute. Right now John’s own emotional reserves are on empty. Not only that, but events at work have made him feel fairly worthless. A collision is imminent. An explosion is only a few ticks of the clock away. How can they prevent it? Or do they just let it happen and bandage the wounds later?

Prevention is definitely better. And as any demolition expert will tell you, defusing the bomb is the first step. So how do we do that? For John and Sally, and little Timmy, there is a way.

First words are important. Look back at Sally’s words when John came home. They contained two accusations (that she was a terrible mom, and that it was really John’s fault for getting her pregnant), and a comparison (Any mother could do this better than me!). John could react to any or all of those, tired as he is, and the tensions would escalate. Or he could clam up, withdraw, and leave his wife in her emotional anguish. Neither is a good solution.

What will help? Sally needs some truth and John can help her find it. Because of Timmy’s tornado, Sally’s perspective is skewed. (More on that in a minute.) There’s something else this family needs first. They need to eat. That’s right. Leave all their feelings about failure alone for the moment, and have dinner. Someone said the hour before dinner is one of the most volatile for any family, and I think I believe them. Blood sugar is low, feelings run high. So eat! Then, after dinner, and after getting Timmy to bed, John and Sally can talk about the day’s frustrations.

Talk Time

Well-fed and a little more relaxed, with Timmy tucked in bed for the night, John and Sally can now talk about their no good horrible day. Let’s listen in and learn:

“So, Sally, sounds like you had a pretty rough day with our little boy.” (Great opening. Leaves the door open for Sally to respond and doesn’t make it sound like she’s to blame. Also shows that John is interested and involved.)

“Oh, John. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with him. If I was twins I still couldn’t keep up with him. I’m sorry for shouting and crying when you came back. I was just frustrated.” (Good response. Doesn’t blame John or Timmy, or herself.)

“Sally, my day was pretty terrible too. Missed a deadline, lost an account, and besides that I was stuck in traffic forever. That gave me that much longer to stew about my failures. So, what do we do now. What do we need?”

“I guess I need to know that I am not really a terrible mom, John.”

“Believe me, you’re not! There are some pretty bad mothers out there who have an occasional good day. But you’re a great mom who has an occasional bad day. Besides, what Timmy did wasn’t your fault.” (Lots of truth and affirmation in these statements, and Sally is ready to hear it.)

“I guess you’re right, John. Did you really lose a contract today?

“Yep! That’s me! The loser!”

“John, you are not a loser. You lost that account, but your stats for this quarter are still good.” (Sally is giving John a different perspective for his failure.)

“I’m sure glad I married you. You’re so supportive and encouraging, even when I don’t feel like I deserve it.”

“You do the same for me many times. No matter what happens we’ll always have each other.”

“Yes, and we’ll always have Timmy. But he really is a great kid, isn’t he?”

“He is. Now if we can just make till he moves out.”

(We pause here to give John and Sally some privat moments that require no comment.)

“Good night, dear.”

“Good night, darling.”

“You’re the best!”

“No, you’re the best.”

“Ummm, by the way, have you seen the cat?”

The ABCs of Healthy Communication

by Mike Constantine

The human body needs basic nutrients to thrive and last. So does your marriage. With these qualities, marriages can thrive. Without them, they die. So, let’s learn our ABCs.

Accept Each Other

Acceptance means taking one another just as you are. The English word even comes from a Latin word that means, literally, to take to oneself. Accepting your spouse doesn’t mean you totally approve of everything he or she does, or the negative ways he or she acts. Acceptance means we’re on the same team, not competitors.

Husbands and wives know their partner’s strengths and weaknesses. Even so, rather than wishing they were married to someone else, they learn to recognize their strengths and build on them, while strengthening their weaknesses. The combination is dynamic and leads to a strong lasting marriage.

Success or failure both depend more on attitude than ability. Sure, other people might have an easier time building a great marriage because they have strengths that you and your spouse don’t naturally possess. But you are not other people. Recognize what your strengths are, and also your weaknesses; work together in mutual acceptance, and your marriage will become healthier.

Believe the Best

Human nature tends to look for the worst and believe the worst. But we chose our beliefs, so believe the best instead.

Suspicion damages many relationships, sometimes beyond repair. If you don’t have solid reasons for your suspicions, dump them.

Have you ever encountered a marriage that was infected with criticism? The children inherit it, and suspicion fills the home like a chilling fog. When that happens, even innocent acts or words take on negative meanings.

Years ago our family lived in Penang. One dark, early morning, I went to meet a friend. As I waited for him I saw two monkeys on the grass playing with a broken tree limb. As the sun rose I could see that it was really just . . . one monkey. Then, as it got still brighter, I realized that there were . . . no monkeys. I thought, “That is just how you imagine that people toy with your reputation. But in the light you see how mistaken you were.” Put your unsupported suspicions to rest. Believe the best instead.

Concentrate on Understanding

Understanding requires attentive listening. It’s harder than you think, because most of us spend more energy making our point than understanding someone else. My wife once told me that I was the only person she knew who could leave a room without using the door! Sure, my body was there, but not my mind. My mind was on the next task, the next meeting. If you are like that, start learning how to listen and how to understand. It takes some work, but its worth the work it takes.

Destroy Prejudice

Prejudiced? Me? Actually, most of us are, whether we admit it or not.

Prejudice means making an uninformed judgement. It’s deciding that you don’t like something before you even try it. It’s rejecting an idea because you didn’t think of it. It’s determining that you will not like your husband’s sister before you have had a chance to get to know her. It’s passing judgement on your teenager’s music just because you don’t like the rhythm or volume.

Prejudice blocks understanding. Therefore, prejudiced people live dry, shrunken lives and miss many joys. Prejudiced people use words like, “That’s stupid!” “How dumb!” Open-minded people ask for more information.

Destroy prejudice by refusing to make judgements until you know the facts. Then, allow the facts to convince you and change the way you see. You might discover joys you didn’t know existed, and your partner will feel more valued.

Encourage Openness

You can invite openness, but you can never force it. People are not oysters to be pried open with the edge of a knife. We should respect every person’s right to privacy even if that privacy frustrates the relationship. At the same time, invite openness by showing concern and being trustworthy.

Many spouses do try to force their partners to talk to them, rather than encouraging them to talk. Such forcing breeds resentment and even more silence.

The more I know that I am safe with you, the more I will open up to you. As an ancient proverb says, “A true friend is one to whom you can pour out the contents of your heart, wheat and weeds mixed together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will sift through it, keeping the wheat and letting the weeds blow away.”

Forgive Impulsiveness

All of us say words we would like to get back, words spoken carelessly or in a moment of frustration.. When your spouse says something of that kind, either let it go or ask for some clarification. Above all, don’t redefine the relationship, or person, because of one unguarded outburst. Would you want to be defined by your worst moments? Of course not.

Grant Grace

Grace is what we need from one another when our worst comes out, not our best. Grace is unearned kindness. In any relationship, grace is an absolute essential, for all of us are difficult to live with at times. When your husband or wife wakes up in a bad mood, you can choose to react negatively or respond positively. Granting grace is the positive response. You need it, so be sure you give it.

Humble Yourself

You cannot humble your spouse or anyone else. You can humiliate that person, making him or her feel small and shameful. Some people have developed that into a real art. But no amount of humiliation will make a person truly humble.

Humbling yourself doesn’t mean that you become a doormat. Humility is simply the difference between reasonableness and stubbornness, between unresolved conflict and agreement.

Now you know your ABCs. Use these building blocks to make a stronger marriage and family.

Power of Spoken Words

by Mike Constantine

How old were you when you learned to talk? Very verbal children might say their first words at 10 months. By age two you probably had a vocabulary of 200 to 300 words, and the ability to form simple sentences.

You might say that you’ve been saying words all your life. But the real question is, “What have those words done?” Sure, millions of them, even most of them, are gone and forgotten, having served their momentary purpose. Others, though, had profound and lasting consequences.

The Bible has hundreds of verses that speak about speaking, dozens in the book of Proverbs alone. At the core of the biblical teaching about our words is the idea that they have power- power to build or destroy; to bless or to curse; to heal or to wound; to instruct or to corrupt. I am sure other faith traditions teach about the power of words, too.

You are five years old. It’s a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Suddenly you come running into the house, crying. You’re sobbing like someone hit you with a stick. “What’s wrong?” Mom asks. “They called me stupid!” you moan.

When that happened to an American kid, his mom may have repeated the conventional wisdom that her mother told her: “Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you.”

Our moms meant well, but they were wrong. We’ve all been hurt by words, and sometimes the effect lasts years. Solomon the King said that reckless words pierce like a sword. Many of us know just how true that is. Insult, ridicule and rejection tore our souls like hooks tear soft flesh.

The power of words is multiplied by the closeness of the relationship. That’s because a close relationship requires some unguarded openness. A stranger’s malignant words can sting, but the same words from a spouse, parent, sibling, or child can eat at our souls like acid.

Thankfully, that is not the end of the story. If words can hurt, words can also heal. A well-timed comment from a compassionate heart can encourage us in a way that will change both the outlook and the outcome of our lives. Wise words, spoken in love and re-enforced regularly, can actually heal wounded hearts, reversing the damage of years.

A few years ago I decided to try to reconnect with a lady who was a like a mom to me when I was a teen. As we talked by phone, I told her about our lives and all we have done, by God’s grace. After a short, quiet pause she said “Mike, I am so proud of you.”

Friends, that dear woman has known me since I was 16. Now I am sixty-four. She saw me in the early, confused days of my development. To hear her express pride in what God has done in our lives means more, much more, than the passing compliment of a stranger.

When Diane- my wife, my lover, and my best my friend- tells me she is honored to be my wife, those words invigorate me. I want to become an even more honorable man in every way.

Good words spoken from good hearts have a good result. So, let healing encouraging, words flow from your heart to your husband or wife.

Here are some strategies:

When you hear a word that encourages you, acknowledge it and thank your spouse for saying it. We met a couple for counseling this week, one of many that we meet within any given year. As they sat together on the sofa the man touched her gently and said, “I love you.”

“Really?” said the wife. Her husband told us that that is her usual response. He expresses sincere love. She questions his sincerity. When someone does that it makes you feel that your words, meant to brighten and encourage, do just the opposite.

Careless words are like acid. When you say words that wound, withdraw them quickly before they eat away at your spouse’s soul. Tell your mate you are sorry for those words, and admit that you said them in a moment of anger or frustration.

If you have a backlog of hurtful words, declare a day when you will give yourselves a new beginning. Make it a “marriage merdeka.” It is a day to declare your freedom from all the hurtful words in your past. Agree to make a fresh start and to really think about what you say and how you say it.

Let’s have marriages that bring healing and growth. Speaking healing, encouraging words will help make that happen. Then we will see the truth found in the words of this old song:

“Down in the human heart, crushed by unkindness, feelings lie buried that grace can restore. Touched by a loving hand, wakened by kindness, Chords that were broken can vibrate once more.”

Talking Like the Animals

by Mike Constantine

Let’s take another look at communication, this time with the help of some animals. You’ll need to use your imagination, and maybe talk about it with your spouse.

Take a look at the animals below. See if you can identify yourself and your spouse. But remember: have fun with the animals. No fighting or self-condemnation, please.

Clam

Clams have a hard time getting their words out. Sometimes they are afraid to speak because they grew up in a very critical environment. To them it seems that every word was questioned. Since speaking never helped, they became clams. Better to say nothing and stay safe than to speak and get hammered.

People who know them wish they would open up, and some even try to force them open. That never works. Clams shut down when they are pressured and pried.

There is a way to help a clam, but it takes patience, gentleness, and loyalty. You have to invite them to open up and show them that you can be trusted. If you criticize their words too quickly, they will close up even tighter.

Puppy

Who does not love a puppy? They are cute, fun, cheerful and energetic. Sometimes, though, they just do not know when to stop yapping. Everything is so interesting to them, and there is so much to talk about.

Puppies need boundaries. They need to learn to leave room for others to express themselves. If you are married to one, you’re probably tempted to buy a muzzle for their yappy mouths. Don’t do it. Stifle a puppy too much and you will kill the very qualities you like about them.

Instead, find some little cues that you can give, maybe a touch on the arm, or a nudge, that let the puppy know you’d like to say something. Puppies can learn, and really want to learn, how to let others share their thoughts

Tiger

“Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night . . .”
So wrote William Blake. In his poetic eye, the tiger possessed a mystical combination of grace, strength, and stealth. He did not, however, capture one important fact you must never forget about tigers: if irritated or threatened they will attack. Since you never really know what irritates them, you tread lightly in their jungle.

We know husbands and wives like that. They do no say much. They just lurk in the bushes, an occasional menacing growl their only sound. Then, when you least expect it, Wham! They leap, roaring their disapproval, criticizing every decision, tearing weaker beings to pieces with their superior emotional strength and apparent logic. When satisfied that their conquest is complete, they become docile. Nice kitty.

In the human world tigers do not always look like tigers. A sweet, quiet wife can turn tiger in a minute, venting her stored up rage and dissatisfaction. The male acts differently. He menaces and warns constantly, quite insecure really, daring anyone to question his authority or decisions.

Until the tiger changes, and sometimes they never do, the rest of the family will live in constant tension. They will mind their manners and keep the peace, but deep resentments can develop in their minds.

Goat

Some people make a habit of finding something wrong with virtually everything we say. They often start their statement with, “But.” Now, we also say that when a goat lowers his head and charges into you, he is “butting you.” Isn’t English great? Just when you think you know what it means, it changes!

Goats are people who do a lot of “butting.” Goats are not evil. They just analyze too much. They seem to find an exception for every statement. Eventually people get tired of trying to communicate because they grow weary of all the “butting.”

If you are a goat, please give your husband or wife a break. Turn off your analyzer (if you can find the switch), and be a little more patient with his or her ideas.

If you are married to a goat, you might keep a cattle prod handy and just zap them when they interrupt. Or, you could just gently remind her to let you finish your thought before she butts in.

Beaver

Have you ever heard the expression “Busy as a Beaver?” We have beavers in the USA, and they deserve their reputation. They are the workaholics of the animal kingdom.

Beaver people always seem too busy to talk or listen. Their to-do list is their god, and you are not on it.

Beaver people need to put a special item on their to-do list, highlight it in red, and set it to repeat daily. The item: “Sit down. Slow down. Talk to spouse.”

If you are married to a beaver, try to show them there is more to life than another tree to chomp or another dam to build. Make conversation an appealing time, with no criticisms and complaints. You might be surprised. Mr. or Mrs. Beaver might just put their furry little head in your lap and quiet down.

When life is a zoo, be the zookeeper.

Think About It

1. Which animal best describes your most common communication style? What about your spouse? (You can combine animals to describe yourself if necessary, for instance, “Beaver-Tiger,” or “Clam-Goat.”)

Man:

Woman:

2. Do you sometimes take on another style? In what situations do you take on that other style?

3. Looking at your styles of communication, what special problems do you think they cause in your marriage?

Training the Animals

All of us have natural communication styles, but sometimes those styles are not the best for our marriages. God’s Spirit in us can open the clam, calm the puppy, tame the tiger, civilize the goat, and slow that beaver down. You really need to let him do it. Then you’ll find your blend, a blend that will keep your communication open all your marriage.

Don’t be afraid to change when it is God who is bringing the change. His changes are always for our best.“It is God who is working in you, both to will and to do what pleases him.” — Phil. 2:13

“Tame us, train us, Father I pray. Help us to allow you to make us better, more effective communicators.”

Expression and Understanding

by Mike Constantine

The Keys to Communication

Walter, a psychologist, makes his living by helping hurting people. Although Walter cares about the people who come to him, he has learned to care without becoming emotionally involved. It’s the only way he can survive the constant stream of critical problems that he faces every day. If he didn’t practice a little detachment, he would burn out faster than a cheap candle.

Walter has a wonderful wife, Sharon. Sharon wants Walter (this man who makes his living by listening, understanding, and communicating) to pay some attention to her. However, she needs his attention as a husband, not as a professional. When Sharon has an emotional need, Walter responds calmly and logically, just like he does with his clients. That drives Sharon crazy. She thinks that Walter, the professional counselor, can understand just about anyone but her. She doesn’t resent the people he helps. She just wishes Walter would give her more of himself than what he gives his clients.

Earth to Walter, Come In Walter!

Walter and Sharon are struggling with a common problem. Let’s call it disconnection. Drained by hours of listening to troubled people, Walter finds ways to avoid Sharon or at least maintain some emotional distance. Frustrated by her husband’s logical response when he does talk to her, Sharon feels like giving up.

A couple’s conversations can degenerate into shoptalk: necessary words, but no more personal connection than you would feel with a someone you met at the supermarket, and maybe even less. Like the old cliche says, “Familiarity breeds contempt.”

Even good marriages can have some connection problems. Take, for example, this lady’s comments: “My husband is a delightful guy, a kind man, and a wonderful lover, but something is missing. I am so lonesome I could cry.” For some reason she didn’t understand, she and her husband were not connecting.

Connection has two parts: expression and understanding. Both are vital. Just as the human body requires both veins and arteries for healthy circulation, relationships need both expression and understanding. Block either one and you threaten the heart of the marriage.

Strong Connection Repair Kit

If you feel disconnected from each other, here are some tools and techniques to help you express yourselves and understand each other.

Ask more questions. Make no false assumptions.

Good questions invite sincere responses. Assumptions make you look proud and insensitive.

Ask questions to understand, not to interrogate.

A man we know bombards his wife with questions. He asks them like a police officer questioning a subject, or an attorney cross-examining a hostile witness. For this man, questions are weapons. He doesn’t want to understand. He wants to keep her off balance, like a swordsman in a duel. Then, when she stumbles in her responses, he lunges for the kill. Remember: the value of a question depends on the underlying attitude of the person who asks it. If the attitude is sincere inquiry, questions can help. If we only want to wound, or protect our own hurting soul, questions become weapons.

Learn to listen and take time to listen.

Like me, you may have trouble listening. We’re like Martha, a woman in the Bible. One day Jesus visited the house she shared with her brother and sister. Martha got busy preparing a meal for her honored guest, but Mary, her sister, sat with Jesus, giving him her full attention.

I know we usually use this story to illustrate a more deeply spiritual point, but allow me to draw something more down-to-earth from it. Serving a meal is important in Middle Eastern hospitality, so Martha was being a good hostess to her honored guest. She felt that Mary was a slacker, so she complained about her lazy sister to Jesus. But Jesus told her that Mary was actually doing what pleased him most.

It seems that Martha thought she was fixing the main course, but she was really missing it. That day Mary’s attention was more important to the Lord Jesus than food.

Sharon would say the same about Walter. You might have a spouse who says the same about you. My wife once told me that I was the only person she knew who could leave a room without using the door. Sure, my body is there. I nod, and even look straight at her, but my mind could be anywhere. Sometimes I even start doing some chore or read an article while she is talking with me. That kind of behavior doesn’t exactly assure her of my attention.

Thankfully, I am becoming a better listener, not great, but greatly improved. You can too. As a good friend once told me, “Learn to be present to the moment.” Don’t be so anxious to get to the bottom line. The trip is as at least as important as the destination. The process is at least as important as the conclusion. Give each other the wonderful gift of time and attention.

What’s the hurry, Speedy?

People think and respond at different speeds, like computers with different processors. Some, like me, think quickly and sometimes speak impulsively. Others, like my wife, need more time to process information and form a response. Neither is more intelligent. I can show Diane my love by giving her time to respond.

If you are the faster thinker and quicker responder, slow down. It will be good for you and good for your marriage. You’ll become less impulsive and more patient with everyone, and, like our friend Natala says, that’s a good thing!

Hello? Hello?

If you are more deliberate, ask your spouse to be patient with you. Most important, don’t leave your husband or wife hanging in silence. It’s like someone who puts you on hold when you call them, and then forgets to come back. Your silence may be necessary for you, but fast thinkers can generate many false assumptions during long, awkward pauses. Assure your partner that you’re listening, that you want to understand, and that you need some time to ponder. It will help reduce wrong conclusions.

Learn to understand silence.

You know the sound. You’re talking on your cell phone when suddenly, instead of your friend’s voice, all you hear is silence. You have been disconnected. Some couples have been disconnected all their married lives, seldom speaking or listening. Please do not assume that silence means rejection or anger. Silence can have many meanings:

I have no words for how I feel. For some of us, this is often true. It’s hard to put feelings into words.
I don’t trust myself to speak without doing some major damage. Because we fear that we can’t find the right words, we remain silent.
I am afraid you’ll misunderstand me. Fear of being misunderstood disturbs many relationships, and sometimes with good reason. Some of us do a great job of making our spouses think they don’t speak clearly and accurately. It’s just another tactic for avoiding personal responsibility.
You might ridicule me or belittle me. Does anyone want to appear foolish? Yet how often do we, in subtle ways and obvious ones, make our spouses feel like fools?
I am angry. It’s better to let an angry spouse have a little time out rather than forcing words to be spoken in haste and anger. Agree that you will talk about the issue a little later.
I have given up hope. Every time we try to talk it only gets worse, never better. The only way to help a hopeless spouse is to assure him or her that you really do want to understand. Then put your assurance into action.

Avoid picking at words.

Some of us love to do that. Like the religious teachers in Jesus’ time, we divert attention from the real issues by making a big deal out of insignificant details. Jesus said those religious teachers filtered out little insects and swallowed big, ugly camels. In our pride and defensiveness, and our desire to control our mates, we do the same thing.

Feelings are often deeper than words and sometimes, no matter how carefully we try to express them, we hurt each other. Remind yourself that the overall improvement of the relationship is your goal. If you pick at words, making an issue out of every small inaccuracy, you will never reach that goal.

Choose the right time and the right place.

We can really frustrate our efforts to communicate by trying to force communication at the wrong time. Of course, for some couples no time ever seems right. Too many obligations, too many appointments, and too little energy make it easy to remain disconnected. And when a couple have been disconnected for a long time they often find it easier to just stay that way.

Plan a time. Pick a place. Don’t let anything interfere. Talk like friends. Do not force the conversation to become serious right away. Laugh. Discuss. Let the talk develop. Though it may not feel spontaneous, given time you will relax and reconnect.

Think, Act, Pray

1. As a couple, do you have anything in common with Walter and Sharon?

2. Which is harder for you personally: expressing your thoughts or understanding your spouse?

3. With your husband or wife in mind, finish this statement: “It would help me understand you if you would . .”