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說話療法,鼓勵言語

by Mike Constantine

你學會說話時多大?表達能力強的孩子可能在10個月時就開始說話了。 到了2歲大概就會有200到300個單詞的辭彙量,並且能說一些簡 單的句子。因此,你可能會說你的一生都在說話。但是真正的問題是,“這些話語都做起了什麼作用?”當然,他們中 的大部分都已消失和被遺忘,已經完成了歷史使命。其他的,則起著深遠和持久的影響。

請閱讀《箴言篇》12:18,16:24

《聖經》中有上千篇關於說話的詩節,僅《箴言篇》中就有上十篇。其中 最核心的意思是,言語的力量是強大的… …它可以創造或摧毀、鼓勵或詛咒、治癒或傷害、指導或毒害人的思想。

假設在一個陽光明媚的週六下午,突然,五歲的你哭著跑進房子,這時你 是男孩還是女孩並不重要。你抽泣著,好象有人拿棍子打了你似的。 “怎麼了?”媽媽問到。“他們罵我笨!”你說。媽媽可能重複著她的母 親曾經告訴過她的老話:“棍子和石頭可能讓你骨折,但是言語永遠傷害不了你。”是老話,但是這麼說是不對的。

我們都曾經被言語傷害過,而且有時這種陰影還會持續好幾年。今天提到 的兩節詩篇中的第一篇告訴我們:輕率鹵莽的話語能像刀劍一樣傷人。 《聖經》永遠是表達現實,而不是表達完美的。它告訴人們不當的話語能夠導致痛苦,而從一顆充滿愛的心中說出的恰當言語則能起到治療的作用。

言語產生的力量與對話雙方的親密程度成正比。為什麼?要建立一段親密 的關係,首先必須雙方都投入某種程度的不設防的坦誠。來自陌生人口 中的惡毒言語可能只會讓人一時心煩,但是如果同樣的話語從配偶、父母、同胞手足或孩子的口中說出,則會在我們完全敞開的心中種下疙瘩。

感謝上帝,事情可以不用這樣結束。如果言語能傷人,它同樣能救人。所 以,今天我們要說的詩節的第二部分是“明智的 話語能起到治療作用。”智人作出的適時評論可能讓我們改變對生活的觀點,並最終改變我們的生活。週期性的充滿愛意的話語確實能治療心 靈的創傷。

樂觀的言語鼓舞人

幾天前我和一位元女士通過電話,很多年前她就像是我精神上的母親。我 們已經很久沒有聯繫過。當我告訴她我們的生活和信仰,她說, “邁克,我真為你驕傲。”朋友們,我認識那位元女士時只有16歲,現在我已經57歲了。她見到過早期混亂、摸索 的我。她對上帝的肯定,對我們的生活變化的肯定,對我來說意義重大,遠勝於初識的陌生人的恭維話。當我的妻子、愛人和朋友— —戴安娜告訴我她很榮幸能成為我的妻子時,我感到萬分鼓舞,這使我渴望在每一個方面都成為更好的人。

終將有一天你會站在上帝面前,如果你已經盡了最大努力去生活,嚮往著 上帝和他的國度,你將聽見他說“幹的漂亮,我 忠實的僕人。現在永遠地分享聖父的歡樂吧。”但是在那一天到來之前,請讓聖父心中充滿鼓勵、能夠治癒創傷的話語從你的心中流出,流向 你的丈夫或妻子。

以下有一些建議。當你聽見鼓舞性的話語時,接受它。當你說了一些傷人 的話,在它們讓你伴侶的心破碎之前,趕快收回。告訴他(她)你很抱 歉說了那些話,那些只不過是一時的氣話。如果已經說了太多傷人的話,那麼選擇適當的時機宣佈重新開始。當然,你們可能還會偶爾彼此傷害,但是一旦意識到 了,就趕快道歉或原諒對方。

最後一點,很重要的一點。《聖經》上說言語是心靈的表達。它還說上帝 能夠讓我們成為全新的人,因為他能改變我們的靈魂的組成,從而改變 我們表達的方式。一旦我們請求上帝創造一個全新的自我,這種變化即開始於一瞬間。當我們通過閱讀和深刻理解《聖經》的含義時,新的自我也在被創造。

讓我們擁有能夠治癒心靈和讓人成長的婚姻吧。說話療法和鼓勵的諺語能 讓這實現。到時,我們會看見這首老歌所傳達的真諦:

“在人們內心深處,充滿了誘 惑。深埋的感情仁慈能重塑。用愛的手撫摩,用善良去呼喚,斷弦也能 再次譜出動聽的歌。”

一段健康幸福的婚姻能譜出新的樂章。所以歌唱吧,愛人們。喚醒沉睡的 渴望!召喚深藏的才能!放鬆緊張的神經!榮耀歸於上帝!

 

TC GGM – Speak Healing Encouraging Words

Filed Under: TC, TC GGM Tagged With: encouragement

给家人鼓励

by Mike Constantine

黛 安娜有一些关于给予鼓励的很好的想法。学一学!

在离第二学期开学不到一周的时候,我被请进了儿子学校的校长办公室。 “由于我们的一位老师由于突发手术要回美国, ”她说,“我们需要重新安排教学计划,但是我们找不到合适的人来教计算机输入,你能来教吗?

如果是以前,我可能会说,“我?你要我教计算机 输入?我没有教师资格,我也没有上过打字课程,因为我的智能测试显 示我不合适办公室工作,我也不喜欢接受新挑战。而且,我老是记不住学生们的名字!”

但是这一次,我反而很激动能够有这样一次挑战。在询问了一些关于课程 安排和设备的事宜之后,我接受了这份工作。是什么改变了?为什么现 在的我会接受新的挑战,而几年前的我却不会?

多年来,我一直呆在自己打造的牢笼中,不敢尝试新的挑战,只是不停地 想着:我会遇到什么困难,我最终注定失败。对于困难,我说得越多, 就越缚手缚脚。

迈克和我谈恋爱时,他就知道我是个害羞并且不喜欢尝试新事物的人。事实上,恐惧使我变得呆板。虽然灵活性对婚姻来说非常重要,迈克没有计较我所缺乏的,而 是看到了我身上的潜质。上帝赐予他智慧,让他帮助我走出牢笼。他不是只将碉堡炸掉,然后将我一个人留在这个让我恐惧的世界。刚开始,他搭起了一些台阶,这 样我就能从上往下看,看看这个充满各种可能性的世界。上帝让我渴望感觉清新的微风和阳光,尝试新的事物,开阔我的眼界。

当我表示希望做一些新的事情时,迈克会说,“为 什么不呢?”我将准备好的说辞告诉他,但是他 会解释给我听,我的担心并不存在。看到事实让我轻松,逐渐地牢笼的墙轰然倒塌。迈克的鼓励是让我释放自己,追求上帝已存我心的渴望的关键。

前段时间我读了伊迪丝-谢弗的书:《什么是家庭?》。其中一章将家庭 描述为“创造力的诞生地。她让我想到所有人所拥有的机会,去挫折或鼓励周围的人完成上帝赐予的创造潜能的机会。以下是她的一段话:“我们身边的 人,父母、叔婶、祖辈、兄弟姐妹都有可能……阻碍、嘲笑、摧毁第一次的创造尝试,这种情况会一直持续,最终 阻碍自发创造的产生。”

大多数人都经历过这样的挫折。例如,许多学生讨厌演讲课。为什么?因 为大家总是说:你说的那些没什么道理,或这样说很蠢。大多数人永远 不会尝试画画,即使是一个人在家时。这些都是因为负面评价,批评让我们相信我们一定会失败。

或许我们的家庭生活曾经幸福。人们不会主动伤害他人,他们知识重复着 自己曾经经受的一切。谢天谢地,我们不需要永远保留伤害的阴影。我 们可以建立一种信任的环境,让每个家庭成员都能充分发挥自己的才能。

鼓励创造

不要扼杀孩子的创造力,这至关重要。天才的能量可能就隐藏在孩子身 上,直到有人花费时间和耐性去培养。第一次尝试可能毫不起眼,但是通 过来自家庭的爱的鼓励,最后可能发掘出巨大才能,这种才能甚至可能造福于大众。

当我们在非洲时,一位美国朋友用自己的绘画才能改变了枯燥沉闷的公寓 的气氛。由于缺乏必要的材料,在尼日利亚装饰一个家并不容易。仅用 一些简单的工具和手边的涂料,她将起居室的一面墙变成了一幅壁画。她本可以画白雪皑皑的山峰或秋天的红叶,但是,她却只用黑色的涂料,画了一幅醒目的非洲 妇女侧面像。画打破了白色墙壁的单调,也表达出她对新结识的非洲朋友的情感。

鼓励探险

一旦我们有勇气去谈论它们时,许多新的追求就上演了。我们必须有分享 希望和梦想的自由。我们需要有人倾听我们的“ 狂野念头”。简单的否定,如“那是不可能的!”或“别发疯了! ”会迅速关闭沟通的可能。另一方面,积极的询问却能打开新的想法之门。

15岁那年,我问妈妈如果那个夏天我想作为交换生去南美,她觉得如 何。她马上打电话问旅行社机票价格是多少。我惊呆了!她没笑话我。相 反,她认真地在想办法看我们能不能负担这笔费用。

那年夏天在南美的生活为我后来想去海外生活的愿望埋下了伏笔。15岁 那年种子已经埋下,并有了结果,这结果影响了其它国家和文化中的许 多人。

第一次尝试所得到反应非常重要。我们是否会继续追求自己的愿望,还是 夹着尾巴逃开?一位朋友的理解和诚实可能会使结果不同。

写作对于迈克或我来说都不是易事,虽然迈克在高中和大学都有些协作的 经历,而我没有任何这方面的经历。如今,有时我们会相互修改对方的 文章。如果我们批评太多,而不是给予对方鼓励,写作的欲望就会在创作的灵感达到高潮之前熄灭。但如果我们从观察论点和整体框架开始,我们激发双方的灵感。 首次的积极响应是如此重要。一旦我们看到论点精彩,兴奋和喜悦会支撑我们走过繁冗的编辑和重写过程。

友好、支持、积极互助的家庭生活已经让我可以离开恐惧的牢笼。现在的 我,能够轻松接受新的挑战和学习新的技能,这使我欣喜不已。

今年,你鼓励你的丈夫、妻子或孩子向前跨进了几步?上帝是万能的造物 主,看看他为我们打造的这个美丽世界。他同时也将创造力赋予了我 们。将鼓励家人前进和探险作为家庭目标吧。这种鼓励能将你的孩子从他的内心牢笼中解放出来,去追求自由和满足。

SC PP- The Encouraging Family

Filed Under: SC, SC-PP Tagged With: encouragement

The Encouraging Family

by Mike Constantine

My wife, Diane, has some great thoughts on imparting encouragement. Enjoy!

The second semester was less than a week away when I found myself in the headmistress’ office at our boys’ school. “Since one of our teachers had to return to the United States for emergency surgery,” she said, “we need to rearrange the teaching assignments. We can’t find anyone to teach Computer Keyboarding. Would you teach it for us?”

Earlier in my life my response would have been, “Me? You want me to teach Computer Keyboard? I’m not a qualified teacher. I didn’t take a typing course because my aptitude tests showed that I wouldn’t do well at office work. I don’t like new challenges and besides, I’ll never remember the students’ names!”

Instead of that response I found myself excited by the challenge. After asking a few questions about the curriculum and the equipment, I accepted the assignment. What made the difference? Why did I accept this new challenge when only a few years earlier I would have run from it?

For years I had lived in a prison of my own making. Rather than try something new, I rehearsed all the reasons I would surely fail. The more I talked about those barriers, the stronger the fortress that restricted me.

Seldom a Discouraging Word

When Mike and I were courting, he knew that I was shy and didn’t like to do anything new. In fact, my fears made me rigid. Although flexibility is important for marriage, Mike looked beyond that lack and saw potential. God gave him wisdom to help me to get out of my prison. He didn’t dynamite the foundation and leave me fully exposed to the world I feared. At first Mike only built steps so I could peek over the top and see a whole world of new possibilities. God created in me a desire to feel the fresh breezes and sunshine, to try something new, to expand my horizons.

When I expressed an interest in doing something new, Mike would reply, “Why not?” I’d have reasons ready for him, but he would show me that my reasons weren’t real. Seeing the truth set me free, and little by little the walls came down. Mike’s encouragement was the key that released me to fulfill the desires God had put in my heart.

Some time ago I read Edith Schaeffer’s book, What is a Family? One chapter describes the family as “the birthplace of creativity.” She caused me to think about all the opportunities we have to either discourage or encourage those around us to fulfill their God-given creative potential. This is one of her statements:

“Parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and sisters and brothers can . . . stamp out, ridicule, and demolish the first attempts at creativity, and continue this demolition long enough to cripple spontaneous outbursts of creation.”

Most of us have experienced this kind of discouragement. For example, many students hate Speech class. Why? For years they have heard that what they say doesn’t make sense, or that it is stupid. Many of us would never try our hand at painting, not even in the secrecy of our own homes. Criticism has conditioned us to believe we will fail.

Perhaps our family life was good. People didn’t set out to hurt us. They were just doing what had been done to them. Thankfully, we don’t have to perpetuate the damage. We can establish an atmosphere of trust that allows everyone in the family to develop their talents fully.

Encouraging Creativity

Stimulating a child’s creativity is especially important. The capacity for genius may be hidden in the child until someone takes the time and patience to cultivate it. Those first efforts at drawing may not seem spectacular, but given the encouragement of a loving family, they may develop into a talent that will bless many.

When we lived in Africa, one of our American friends used her artistic talent to transform the atmosphere of their dull, dreary apartment. Due to the lack of good materials, it wasn’t easy to decorate a home in Nigeria.

Using very simple methods and only what paint was available, she turned a large wall in her living room into a mural. She could have painted a scene of snow-capped mountains or autumn leaves. Instead, using only black paint, she created a striking silhouette of an African woman. It broke the monotony of the white walls, and showed her love for her new African friends as well.

Encouraging Adventure

Many new pursuits begin when we find the courage to talk about them. We must have the freedom to share our hopes and dreams. We need someone to listen to our “wild ideas.” A steady diet of words like, “That’s impossible!” or “Don’t be crazy!” soon closes the door to communication. Positive questions, on the other hand, open the door to new ideas.
When I was fifteen, I asked my mom what she thought about my going to South America for the summer as an exchange student. Immediately she called a travel agent to find out how much an air ticket would cost. I was stunned! She hadn’t laughed at me. Instead, she was seriously trying to see if there was any way to afford it.

That summer I spent in South America birthed the desire to live overseas later in life. That seed, sowed in my fifteenth summer, bore fruit that has affected many lives in other countries and cultures.

The response we receive to our first effort at a new endeavor means everything. Will we continue developing our desires or will we crawl away in defeat? A friend’s understanding and honesty can make the difference.

Writing has not come easily for Mike or me, although he had some positive experiences in high school and college, and I didn’t. Today, we sometimes edit articles for each other. If we are too critical, not giving encouragement, the joy of writing dies before the spark of inspiration bursts to full flame. But if we start by looking at the idea and the general design, we inspire each other. That first positive response is so important. Once we see that the idea will work, the excitement and pleasure will carry us through the tedious process of editing and rewriting.

The friendly, supportive, responsive family life we share in our home has made it possible for me to leave the fortress of my fears. Now I rejoice in the freedom of accepting new challenges and learning new skills.

How many new steps have you encouraged your husband, wife, or children to make this year? God is the Master Creator. Just look at the beautiful world He made. He created us to be creative, too. Make it your family’s goal to encourage new steps and new ventures. That kind of encouragement could release your child from his inner prison into new freedom and fulfillment.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: adventure, creativity, encouragement

Encourage the Struggling Child

by Mike Constantine

The Race

Track and Field Day at the international school. The high school boys line up for the 1600 meter race. At the sharp, “Crack!” of the starter’s gun the runners explode from the starting line, each boy straining to get the maximum results from his body. Sixteen hundred meters later, one would win; one would be the fastest, the best. Four others would lose, though they may have trained and competed just as well.

The favorites in this race were an Australian boy and a Singaporean. Both ran well, and the race was close. But with a final charge the Australian overtook the Singaporean, winning by a nose. Cheers! Joy! Disappointment. You find them all at the finish line.

The mother of that second-place boy publicly chided and rebuked her son because he didn’t win. The sight saddened us. As if losing wasn’t bad enough, he also had to endure his mother’s scorn.

Why did she treat him so harshly? Perhaps she thought it would help her son become a better person or motivate him to excel. After all, doesn’t everyone know that (as some Asians have told us) “if you say good, bad will happen?”

Another boy ran a race that day, a boy who had no hope of winning. He entered the race only to gain participation points for his team. He ran his heart out, but he still finished last.

Last place! Does anybody ever want to be last? But his dad met that boy at the finish line, praised him and encouraged him. The dad told him how proud he was that his son had finished the race. That young man won his own contest that day, the contest with his will. Some winners will never hear the cheering crowds, but they surely should have parents who applaud their efforts.

Those two young men learned different lessons that day. The first boy learned that he must win or be a failure. (Remember kiasu?) The second boy learned that even if you finish last, you may still succeed. Which is the better lesson?

The Recital

A young piano student prepares for his recital. Small fingers make big strides and a lively imagination pours inspiration into the music. The night of the recital finally comes. He confidently walks to the piano, seats himself . . . and starts playing the wrong piece! Crying with embarrassment, he runs from the stage, wishing he could vaporize. (As they said in Star Trek, “Beam me up, Scotty!”) Life can be hard for an eight-year-old, especially when his friends and family see him fail.

But wait! The power of compassion breaks tradition. Later in the program the music teacher asks him to play again. Unusual, but very right. The student returns to the piano and plays a piece he had composed. The room erupts with encouraging applause. Tears come to his parents’ eyes, for a second chance was just what their son needed to save the day. He had that chance, thanks to a teacher who broke tradition and broke the power of discouragement as well.

How much like Jesus, who always gave his disciples a second chance to succeed. Being with Jesus must have been one of life’s most encouraging experiences. His disciples learned from their failures, and became stronger because of the lessons the Master taught them.

Encouragement unlocks your child’s heart. Many parents have succeeded in gaining maximum accomplishments from their children, but have never gained entrance to their child’s soul. That is because discipline can win a child’s respect, but encouragement wins his affection.

Encouragement is like a blood transfusion. When a child’s courage oozes away through a wound to the inner person, that child needs a transfusion of fresh courage. Moms and dads can give that to their children, but only if they see the need, take the time, make a connection, and reach their child’s heart.

According to the verse we quoted at the beginning, it’s the faint-hearted who need encouragement. That is a descriptive word. It means the person with a small soul. Haven’t you known times when your child’s confidence seemed to shrivel up like a dried flower? When that happens, a parent’s encouragement can make all the difference.

Encouragement rejuvenates. When we encourage our children we help them stand up on the inside. All of us have times when we feel overwhelmed, and for children those times can come often. They constantly face new tasks and must learn to handle new emotions. What tremendous assets we are to them when we seize every opportunity to encourage.

The Power of Gentleness

A man I highly respect told the following story about his daughter. During her teenage years she went through a troubled time. In fact, her parents felt they were losing touch with her. Then her dad had an idea. One day, on his way home from work, he bought her a small present, nothing expensive, but something he knew she liked. That night he went to her room and gave it to her. He told her how much he loved her, and sat by her side while she opened her heart to him. Quietly, he listened as she revealed her fears, her concerns, her doubts. He didn’t say much that night. He just touched her hand gently and prayed for her.

That is a beautiful picture of encouragement in action. He saw her need. He took time to listen, instead of lecturing. He reached out to her, he spoke softly, and he prayed. Did it help? Oh, yes! It was the key to her heart, and it kept the connection between them open.

Are We Blind?

Some parents see every problem as a discipline problem. They are blind to their child’s need for encouragement. What causes such blindness?

Self-centered living makes us blind to our family’s real needs. A self-centered person rarely sees the pain of another. I have known men and women with great vision for their business , but who could not see their child’s real needs.

The glare of prosperity and achievement can blind our eyes to our children’s needs. Some parents give their children things instead of attention, substituting another toy or gadget for real love. It won’t work. You get what you pay for. Substitute possessions for attention and you get a child who only loves you (if you can call it love) for what you give him. Love your child enough to get involved and you gain entrance to his heart for life. Love means involvement. It always has and it always will. Are you involved in your child’s life? Do you know the fears, the desires, and the struggles he faces?

Lack of Understanding is a kind of blindness. For several years of John’s childhood, his parents disciplined him when they should have encouraged him. They loved John, yet were blind to his real needs, his deeper needs. They only saw the outward expressions of those needs in his negative behavior.

A perceptive counselor at their son’s school helped them understand that his problems needed a different approach. Their son wanted to cooperate, but he was frustrated by difficulties they were blind to. They still needed to discipline him at times. But when they saw his real needs they learned to encourage more and discipline more effectively.

Encouragement is the mark of effective leaders. Through it they raise their followers’ spirits, leading them to accomplish mighty deeds and win impossible battles.

Winston Churchill knew how to encourage. He spoke hope to the British people during the long days and nights of German bombings. He reminded them of who they were and what they could do, and assured them that victory would be theirs. All children need parents who can do that for them in a way they can understand at their age. Little soldiers often fight big battles.

Like water to a thirsty plant, encouragement makes our children flourish. Who pours fresh hope into your daughter when she makes a mistake in her recital? Who stands by your son when he misses the goal that would have won the game? Think about your own life as a child. Weren’t there more discouragers than encouragers? Teachers, coaches, tutors, playmates: everyone seemed too busy to encourage. For most of us, a few people, perhaps only one or two, stand out. They were the encouragers, the life-changers. Wouldn’t you like to be one of those rare people in your child’s life?

Among my treasures I have a card from one of my sons. He wrote it during his teen years. In it he calls me a great dad and a great encourager. I don’t know if I always deserved those titles, but what joy to know my son saw me that way.

We will see our child’s need for encouragement if we ask Jesus, the Great Physician, to heal our vision. Then we will begin seeing our children as He sees them. It’s not a sin to be blind, but it is a sin to stay blind when sight is available. Will you pray this prayer?

“Lord Jesus, you alone can give sight to the blind. We ask you to open our eyes to our children. Help us to see them as you see them and to love them as you love them. Show us what blinds us. If we have shut our eyes, refusing to see, forgive us. Grant us the courage to open our eyes and see our selves and our children as we really are.”

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: achievement, encouragement, gentleness, understanding

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