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Mister Right

by Mike Constantine

God always entrusts his treasures to ordinary people. One such person is a man I would love to meet in heaven. He was a craftsman, a carpenter, but he could have been anything . . . plumber, farmer, shepherd, or even a scholar. His occupation isn’t the important thing. His character is. It’s not what he did, but how he lived that makes him Mister Right.

This man lived at a time when many people used religion as a cosmetic. It was useful for hiding blemishes and giving an imaginary glow of righteousness. But Mister Right had no use for cosmetic religion. He truly believed in God and tried, in every way, to orient his life with God’s commands.

You would have liked him, respected him, and trusted him. I know God did. For he chose this everyday man, this carpenter from Nazareth and Bethlehem, to be husband to Mary, and the guardian of Jesus, the Son of God. Joseph is Mister Right.

As a husband and a father figure, Joseph has much to teach us. Looking at his life in the few verses that describe him, I see why God trusted him with his treasures. I see the kind of man every wife and child needs, and I see the kind of man God makes us, if we’ll let him.

Joseph was fully devoted to God, therefore, a righteous man. (Matthew 1:16ff). He centered his life on pleasing God. As I have said so often, to so many groups, it is the center that matters, because your center controls your thoughts, actions, and relationships.

Joseph may have been ordinary, but he had the qualities that always make a man a true success:

Faithfulness. Faithful men are reliable, dependable, predictable, and consistent. They make promises carefully and keep the promises they make.

A sense of honor. Matthew tells us that even when Joseph had the legal right to shame Mary, he would not. That’s quite a lesson for those of us who make the slightest offense an excuse for retribution.

Responsiveness. Joseph listened to messages God sent through the angels, and adjusted his plans to God’s plans.

Self-control. Joseph didn’t have sexual relations with Mary until after the birth of Jesus. Yet how many men become sullen, pouting like little children, when, for some good reason, their wives are not sexually available to them?

Humility. It wasn’t all about him. He wasn’t the star, and didn’t need to be.

Support. If they gave awards for the best man in a supporting role, Joseph would win the Oscar. Yet his role satisfied him. Mary could feel secure with Joseph, knowing she had his full support. Supportive men make secure wives.

Adaptability. Some of us are so rigid. Everything has to be done our way or we become uncooperative. I know two causes for rigidity: pride and fear. Both harden our hearts and make us hard to live with. Joseph had the sense to know that God was doing something greater than his five-year plan, and the wisdom to adapt. I am sure he is not sorry. Surrender your agenda and discover God’s higher purpose.

Preparation. God trained and prepared Joseph for this extraordinary responsibility. He probably didn’t know it at the time, for his training occurred in everyday ways. We, too,  are in preparation for something bigger than what we know, so we might consider how we can pay attention and live purposefully.

No doubt, Joseph was an imperfect man. He had his struggles, but always yielded to God’s will.

It is an honor, the greatest honor, when God trusts us with a treasure, and that honor always makes us thankful people. Feeling any other way would be wrong for Mister Right. Like his young wife Mary, he could say, “My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior. For he who is mighty has done great things, and holy is his name!”

“Father God, thank you for men like Joseph. We acknowledge you as the very center of our lives. Make us right men, living in right ways, for the right reasons, to the honor and glory of your Name. Amen.”

Filed Under: Marriage, Parenting Tagged With: adaptability, faithfulness, honor, humility, preparation, responsiveness, self-control, support

The Positive Parent’s Creed

by Mike Constantine

A parenting plan with a future

We will let our children know we love them no matter what they do.

Our children will learn that love is not earned, love is freely given.

We will be honest about our mistakes, remembering to ask our children to forgive us when we fail them or misunderstand them.

Our children will learn the value of personal honesty instead of hypocrisy.

We will give each child some individual time and attention every day.

Our children will learn that they are important to us, not a nuisance that we endure.

We will listen to our children as well as talk to them.

Our children will learn that listening to one another is one of the most loving things we can do for each other.

We will help our children develop a genuine personal faith in God.

Our children will learn, through our example, the value of a genuine faith.

We will correctly love and lovingly correct.

Our children will learn that discipline is an expression of love.

We will teach proper relationship to authority.

Our children will learn that respect for authority is the key to a successful life.

We will encourage proper independence.

Our children will develop a strong conscience.

They will learn to withstand and overcome the negative pressures around them.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: Attitudes, creed, goals, parenting, principles

Mike’s Story

by Mike Constantine

Early in our marriage I didn’t want to be a dad. I wanted marriage, but I didn’t want children. Just thinking about having my own kids frightened me. True! Oh, I liked children– as long as I didn’t have the main responsibility for them. I feared that I couldn’t be a good father, and that fear controlled my life. Like many fears, it would have paralyzed me. It would have, but it didn’t.

One fine day, my wife informed me that she thought she was pregnant. Oh, no! Not that! I took her to the doctor for a checkup. While she was in the clinic, I did the only sensible thing for a man who is scared to death to do: I prayed. A short, honest, completely straightforward prayer: “Lord, I’m afraid.” That wasn’t the time for a long, spiritually impressive intercession. I needed help and help came immediately.

I seemed to hear these words in my mind: “You will grow with your children.” It was a word from God to my troubled, fearful heart. That simple word has carried me through many years of parental successes and failures. I have grown with my children. God has given me the grace and wisdom I needed for every stage of their lives. Many mistakes, many frustrations, but I wouldn’t trade my life as a dad for any other life you could offer me.

My wife, too, has been a wonderful mother and an encouragement to me. We both thank God that He blessed us with two fine sons.

What about you? Are there bad experiences in your past that make you fearful about parenting? God knows you. He understands your past and your fears, even if you don’t. He will help you if you ask Him. His Word will renew your mind. You will see miracles in your attitudes. Strength will replace your weakness. Wisdom will replace your confusion. You will become a positive, confident parent– a parent whose children bring you, and the world, great joy!

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: Mike Constantine, parent

A Parent’s Greatest Gift

by Mike Constantine

As parents, can we identify one special quality that we should aim for in raising our children? Yes, I think we can. Let’s look at a verse that describes the childhood development of Jesus:

“Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.” (Luke 2:52, New Living Translation)

What is the first quality that Jesus grew in? Wisdom. What parents could ask for more than that? Any person who has wisdom will become a complete, mature individual– a young man or woman ready to bless the world and honor God.

There’s a big difference between being smart and being wise. Presently many societies work really hard to produce smart children. But, consider. What good is an education if a person doesn’t know how to live? Can top grades guarantee a child’s success as a human being? Haven’t we all known intelligent, gifted people who didn’t know how to live? They had a brain stuffed with information, but they lived reckless, thoughtless lives. They may have been at the top of their class, but because they lacked wisdom they sank to the bottom of the barrel.

Remember: parents have the responsibility to raise wise kids. Teachers can help, but parents need to see teachers as assistants, not as substitutes. As parents we must approach the task of raising wise children as though no one else will do it. Are you wise enough to see your child’s need for wisdom?

Think for a moment about the people you most respect. They may be smart; they may be talented. Nevertheless, are those your reasons for respecting them? Probably not. You respect people who know how to live wisely and manage their lives well. They know how to live in a society with people different from themselves. They make few enemies. To the wise, success is much more than what they know, what they have, and what they can do. They know how to live, and that wisdom gains our admiration.

King Solomon had it all. Such a handsome, intelligent man! He had the best education. He came from the best of families. His financial portfolio was extremely impressive. Yet with all his assets, Solomon considered wisdom the most valuable legacy he could give his children. Listen to him as he writes to his children in the book of Proverbs:

“Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding. I give you sound learning, so do not forsake my teaching. When I was a boy in my father’s house, still tender, and an only child of my mother, he taught me and said, ‘Lay hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands and you will live.’

“Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or swerve from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you.

“Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Esteem her, and she will exalt you; embrace her, and she will honor you.” (Proverbs 4:1-8, NIV)

Clearly, Solomon had learned the high value of wisdom. His collection of Proverbs is the most wonderful gift he left to his children, and to us. It is a priceless collection of wise principles for successful living.

True wisdom never comes cheaply. Solomon inherited much of his wisdom from his father, David. Yet much of it came from difficult personal experiences, too. He paid the high price for wisdom, and left what he learned as a legacy to his sons. Will our children receive such a legacy from us? Or will they only inherit possessions and an intellectual education? The world’s cities are full of young people who have it all, but aren’t wise enough to use it.

You cannot teach children wisdom in the same way you teach them mathematics. In many schools much of the teaching is by rote memory. Drill until you know the material so well that you can repeat it without error. Fine for mathematics, but wisdom is different. You can give a child the principles, like Solomon did, but the real teaching takes place in day-to-day life. Unfortunately, because many parents have such busy lives, they miss the opportunities that repeatedly occur to teach their child to live wisely.

Such opportunities usually happen spontaneously. As one family counselor says,

“In real life, children – especially teenagers – don’t talk to their parents on demand. Children like to have their parents in the background at home or in the car before they come forward with their thoughts, reactions and feelings. It’s hard for stressed-out parents to develop this kind of relaxed atmosphere, especially since it’s a law of life that we become more self-centered when we are overburdened.”
(Patricia Dalton, The Parent Trap. Article appeared in The Washington Post, July 20, 1997)

What is Wisdom?

Wisdom is the science of successful living. What is most important in life? How should I use money? How do I maintain good relationships with my family, my friends, and my world? How do I care for my mind, my body – my soul? How do I make good decisions? They seldom teach such things in the school room.

If we have not learned wisdom, how can we teach it? Many of us may have received some sound insights from our parents, but we might have inherited some very unwise ideas as well. Perhaps you think, “How can I raise my children with good, godly values when I didn’t get them as a child?”

I can understand your concern. Perhaps you look at your past, as I did, and wonder how you could ever raise wise children. You feel insufficient for the task.

God’s Good News

Good News! Wisdom is currently available to all who need it and heartily ask for it. The Bible says that anyone who lacks wisdom can ask God to give it. “If you need wisdom—if you want to know what God wants you to do—ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking.” (James 1:5, TEV)

Good News! You don’t have to be a perfect parent. In fact, you can’t be! God will help you overcome your imperfections if you’re honest about them. Ask for His help.

“Father God, thank you for making me a new person and a new parent. Teach me your wisdom so I can teach my children your wisdom. I confess my imperfections to you and pray for your strength to overcome them. Thank you for your love for me and for my children. Your love is changing our lives.”

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: wisdom

Help the Challenged Child

by Mike Constantine

Meet Vincent, the ten-year-old mystery child. No one understands him. His friends think Vincent is stupid. They even tell him so. He puzzles his teachers. Some say he is uncooperative; some say he is inattentive; one says he’s just lazy. But they all believe that Vincent is a problem.

Although they love their son, Vincent’s parents fear that the teachers are right. They feel defeated. They offer him rewards if only he’ll cooperate, even scold and discipline him. Still Vincent struggles and rebels against school work. Their son’s behavior embarrasses them. “Why can’t he be like his sister?” they ask. “She is such an easy child, and so good at her studies.”

Home life is hectic, especially at homework time. Vincent often forgets assignments. Sometimes he sits, staring into space, apparently ignoring his studies. Assignments that should take thirty minutes fill hours. Frequently Vincent throws his pencil down, slams his book closed and shouts, “I’m just stupid!”

Is Vincent retarded, or a slow learner? Not at all. He is a good thinker and comes to very sound conclusions. Is he rebellious? Not usually, but it appears so when his school work ties him in knots. Is his problem spiritual? Not likely, for Vincent has a deep love for God and real compassion for others. How can one boy have so many good qualities and still be so stubborn and uncooperative about his school work?

The Mystery Explained

That’s the mystery of Vincent. Here’s the explanation of it. Vincent has learning differences: special problems that make it hard for him to learn in a normal school room setting. His problems aren’t serious enough to detect easily, and that makes things worse. Vincent’s difficulty isn’t his intellect, but the way he processes information. With the proper help, Vincent will become an outstanding young man. However, if someone doesn’t help him, if he is ignored or misunderstood, Vincent’s true potential will be wasted.

A child like Vincent needs someone to help him conquer his weakness. Helping the weak means we bear part of their load when their load gets too heavy. The problem could be in any area: physical, mental, or emotional. Whatever the cause, this child needs our help. He doesn’t need our condemnation, for that would make his load heavier. Ignoring him or treating him like a misfit does more damage. He needs our help. Some weaknesses will correct themselves in time, but others will always require a helper. Will you be that helper for your child?

There are parents who don’t want to see their child’s weakness, for if they see it then they have to find a way to help. They may not know how to help or where to get help. They may even think their child’s weakness means that they aren’t good parents. And some parents actually see a weakness as something shameful.

When Right is Wrong

I have a Chinese friend who encouraged me to share his story. He hopes that others like him will not suffer as he did, or mistreat their children as his parents mistreated him.

Jimmy was born left-handed. Being left-handed isn’t a weakness, though it does present certain challenges in a right-handed world. However, my friend’s father saw his son’s left-handedness as disgraceful. When he saw the boy use his left hand he would hit him with a stick. (That has happened to more children than you know, especially in parts of Asia.)

It worked. Under threat of punishment my friend began using his right hand. He also started stuttering and struggling with his school work. By forcing him to use his right hand, my friend’s father was creating serious mental and emotional problems, though he didn’t know it at the time.

Through primary school and into secondary school the problems continued. Then one day Jimmy spotted a book about left-handed people in the library. He discovered that by forcing him to use his right hand, his father may have caused his stuttering and thinking problems. Like a volcano, he erupted with anger at his father. Throwing the book down in front of him he shouted, “This is what you have done to me!”

Through hard work and endurance my friend overcame the damage and has become a successful businessman and community leader. He’s even forgiven his father for his lack of understanding and for the undeserved punishment he received. He now uses his left hand without shame. In his case, left was right, and right was definitely wrong.

We cause needless anger and damage when we treat a difference as something shameful, and use the wrong means to try to change it.

Helping Our Children Conquer Their Weaknesses

Learn What Can Change and What Cannot

If we always try to change the unchangeable (like the father of my left-handed friend) we will frustrate and embitter our children. However, it is just as damaging to let our children live with a weakness they could strengthen with the right kind of help.

Recognize Your Wrong Attitudes

Impatience is a common temptation for parents. An impatient parent produces uneasy children. We want instant change, but often it takes a long time to help a child become a conqueror.

Remember the verse from I Thessalonians, chapter five? Paul concluded his counsel to the leaders of the church with this reminder: “. . . be patient with all.” Change takes time. Children are not instant noodles.

Years ago I wrote this phrase in the front of my Bible: “Be patient with others; others have been patient with you.” Remember how patiently God cares for us, encouraging our progress, not damning our imperfections.

Vincent, the young boy in the beginning of this section, is a man today, highly respected, and successful. He is successful, largely, because his mother and father exercised patience and persistence. At times they felt like giving up, but they didn’t, and neither did Vincent.

Encourage Strengths, Strengthen Weaknesses

If you only focus on the weaknesses, you can easily miss your child’s strengths. That young man who struggles with his mathematics might have a very loving and compassionate nature. Don’t kill that strength. Notice it. Encourage it.

See your child’s potential, not just her problems
Life must not become centered on a child’s problems. Look for your child’s natural gifts and talents, and encourage those special abilities. Encourage her to do her best, even if she can’t be the best.

Find the Best Available Help

Vincent’s parents found just the help they needed from a school counselor who understood their son’s behavior, and knew what steps to take. Finding the helper you need may be hard for you, but don’t give up trying. More and more resources are available to parents and their children, but always check the reliability of those resources. You can do that by doing a little research on the internet.

Keep Praying

Remember to thank God for your child– problems, weaknesses, and all. Your child is still a gift from God to you, and to a world that needs people just like her who have learned to conquer their difficulties and weaknesses. Don’t give up! Your child could some day help thousands.

As you think about your childhood, do you have any memories of your mother and father helping you conquer a weakness or a difficulty? Did they help you to accept yourself? Or did they make you feel shameful for your weakness and differences? The way they treated you may be affecting the way you treat your own children. It doesn’t have to. You can recognize the wrong patterns and confess them to God. He will help you find the help you need. He will change you, and use you to change your child’s destiny.

“Father God, we come to you as mothers and fathers who often don’t know what to do and how to help our children. Give us your wisdom. Help us to see our sons and daughters through your eyes. Send us the right people to help us find the right wisdom to help them grow and conquer. Thank you for loving us– even with our weaknesses– and for making our lives a showcase for your amazing grace. Amen.”

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: encourage, help, learning differences, left handed, weakness

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