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The Encouraging Family

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My wife, Diane, has some great thoughts on imparting encouragement. Enjoy!

The second semester was less than a week away when I found myself in the headmistress’ office at our boys’ school. “Since one of our teachers had to return to the United States for emergency surgery,” she said, “we need to rearrange the teaching assignments. We can’t find anyone to teach Computer Keyboarding. Would you teach it for us?”

Earlier in my life my response would have been, “Me? You want me to teach Computer Keyboard? I’m not a qualified teacher. I didn’t take a typing course because my aptitude tests showed that I wouldn’t do well at office work. I don’t like new challenges and besides, I’ll never remember the students’ names!”

Instead of that response I found myself excited by the challenge. After asking a few questions about the curriculum and the equipment, I accepted the assignment. What made the difference? Why did I accept this new challenge when only a few years earlier I would have run from it?

For years I had lived in a prison of my own making. Rather than try something new, I rehearsed all the reasons I would surely fail. The more I talked about those barriers, the stronger the fortress that restricted me.

Seldom a Discouraging Word

When Mike and I were courting, he knew that I was shy and didn’t like to do anything new. In fact, my fears made me rigid. Although flexibility is important for marriage, Mike looked beyond that lack and saw potential. God gave him wisdom to help me to get out of my prison. He didn’t dynamite the foundation and leave me fully exposed to the world I feared. At first Mike only built steps so I could peek over the top and see a whole world of new possibilities. God created in me a desire to feel the fresh breezes and sunshine, to try something new, to expand my horizons.

When I expressed an interest in doing something new, Mike would reply, “Why not?” I’d have reasons ready for him, but he would show me that my reasons weren’t real. Seeing the truth set me free, and little by little the walls came down. Mike’s encouragement was the key that released me to fulfill the desires God had put in my heart.

Some time ago I read Edith Schaeffer’s book, What is a Family? One chapter describes the family as “the birthplace of creativity.” She caused me to think about all the opportunities we have to either discourage or encourage those around us to fulfill their God-given creative potential. This is one of her statements:

“Parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and sisters and brothers can . . . stamp out, ridicule, and demolish the first attempts at creativity, and continue this demolition long enough to cripple spontaneous outbursts of creation.”

Most of us have experienced this kind of discouragement. For example, many students hate Speech class. Why? For years they have heard that what they say doesn’t make sense, or that it is stupid. Many of us would never try our hand at painting, not even in the secrecy of our own homes. Criticism has conditioned us to believe we will fail.

Perhaps our family life was good. People didn’t set out to hurt us. They were just doing what had been done to them. Thankfully, we don’t have to perpetuate the damage. We can establish an atmosphere of trust that allows everyone in the family to develop their talents fully.

Encouraging Creativity

Stimulating a child’s creativity is especially important. The capacity for genius may be hidden in the child until someone takes the time and patience to cultivate it. Those first efforts at drawing may not seem spectacular, but given the encouragement of a loving family, they may develop into a talent that will bless many.

When we lived in Africa, one of our American friends used her artistic talent to transform the atmosphere of their dull, dreary apartment. Due to the lack of good materials, it wasn’t easy to decorate a home in Nigeria.

Using very simple methods and only what paint was available, she turned a large wall in her living room into a mural. She could have painted a scene of snow-capped mountains or autumn leaves. Instead, using only black paint, she created a striking silhouette of an African woman. It broke the monotony of the white walls, and showed her love for her new African friends as well.

Encouraging Adventure

Many new pursuits begin when we find the courage to talk about them. We must have the freedom to share our hopes and dreams. We need someone to listen to our “wild ideas.” A steady diet of words like, “That’s impossible!” or “Don’t be crazy!” soon closes the door to communication. Positive questions, on the other hand, open the door to new ideas.
When I was fifteen, I asked my mom what she thought about my going to South America for the summer as an exchange student. Immediately she called a travel agent to find out how much an air ticket would cost. I was stunned! She hadn’t laughed at me. Instead, she was seriously trying to see if there was any way to afford it.

That summer I spent in South America birthed the desire to live overseas later in life. That seed, sowed in my fifteenth summer, bore fruit that has affected many lives in other countries and cultures.

The response we receive to our first effort at a new endeavor means everything. Will we continue developing our desires or will we crawl away in defeat? A friend’s understanding and honesty can make the difference.

Writing has not come easily for Mike or me, although he had some positive experiences in high school and college, and I didn’t. Today, we sometimes edit articles for each other. If we are too critical, not giving encouragement, the joy of writing dies before the spark of inspiration bursts to full flame. But if we start by looking at the idea and the general design, we inspire each other. That first positive response is so important. Once we see that the idea will work, the excitement and pleasure will carry us through the tedious process of editing and rewriting.

The friendly, supportive, responsive family life we share in our home has made it possible for me to leave the fortress of my fears. Now I rejoice in the freedom of accepting new challenges and learning new skills.

How many new steps have you encouraged your husband, wife, or children to make this year? God is the Master Creator. Just look at the beautiful world He made. He created us to be creative, too. Make it your family’s goal to encourage new steps and new ventures. That kind of encouragement could release your child from his inner prison into new freedom and fulfillment.

Encourage the Struggling Child

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The Race

Track and Field Day at the international school. The high school boys line up for the 1600 meter race. At the sharp, “Crack!” of the starter’s gun the runners explode from the starting line, each boy straining to get the maximum results from his body. Sixteen hundred meters later, one would win; one would be the fastest, the best. Four others would lose, though they may have trained and competed just as well.

The favorites in this race were an Australian boy and a Singaporean. Both ran well, and the race was close. But with a final charge the Australian overtook the Singaporean, winning by a nose. Cheers! Joy! Disappointment. You find them all at the finish line.

The mother of that second-place boy publicly chided and rebuked her son because he didn’t win. The sight saddened us. As if losing wasn’t bad enough, he also had to endure his mother’s scorn.

Why did she treat him so harshly? Perhaps she thought it would help her son become a better person or motivate him to excel. After all, doesn’t everyone know that (as some Asians have told us) “if you say good, bad will happen?”

Another boy ran a race that day, a boy who had no hope of winning. He entered the race only to gain participation points for his team. He ran his heart out, but he still finished last.

Last place! Does anybody ever want to be last? But his dad met that boy at the finish line, praised him and encouraged him. The dad told him how proud he was that his son had finished the race. That young man won his own contest that day, the contest with his will. Some winners will never hear the cheering crowds, but they surely should have parents who applaud their efforts.

Those two young men learned different lessons that day. The first boy learned that he must win or be a failure. (Remember kiasu?) The second boy learned that even if you finish last, you may still succeed. Which is the better lesson?

The Recital

A young piano student prepares for his recital. Small fingers make big strides and a lively imagination pours inspiration into the music. The night of the recital finally comes. He confidently walks to the piano, seats himself . . . and starts playing the wrong piece! Crying with embarrassment, he runs from the stage, wishing he could vaporize. (As they said in Star Trek, “Beam me up, Scotty!”) Life can be hard for an eight-year-old, especially when his friends and family see him fail.

But wait! The power of compassion breaks tradition. Later in the program the music teacher asks him to play again. Unusual, but very right. The student returns to the piano and plays a piece he had composed. The room erupts with encouraging applause. Tears come to his parents’ eyes, for a second chance was just what their son needed to save the day. He had that chance, thanks to a teacher who broke tradition and broke the power of discouragement as well.

How much like Jesus, who always gave his disciples a second chance to succeed. Being with Jesus must have been one of life’s most encouraging experiences. His disciples learned from their failures, and became stronger because of the lessons the Master taught them.

Encouragement unlocks your child’s heart. Many parents have succeeded in gaining maximum accomplishments from their children, but have never gained entrance to their child’s soul. That is because discipline can win a child’s respect, but encouragement wins his affection.

Encouragement is like a blood transfusion. When a child’s courage oozes away through a wound to the inner person, that child needs a transfusion of fresh courage. Moms and dads can give that to their children, but only if they see the need, take the time, make a connection, and reach their child’s heart.

According to the verse we quoted at the beginning, it’s the faint-hearted who need encouragement. That is a descriptive word. It means the person with a small soul. Haven’t you known times when your child’s confidence seemed to shrivel up like a dried flower? When that happens, a parent’s encouragement can make all the difference.

Encouragement rejuvenates. When we encourage our children we help them stand up on the inside. All of us have times when we feel overwhelmed, and for children those times can come often. They constantly face new tasks and must learn to handle new emotions. What tremendous assets we are to them when we seize every opportunity to encourage.

The Power of Gentleness

A man I highly respect told the following story about his daughter. During her teenage years she went through a troubled time. In fact, her parents felt they were losing touch with her. Then her dad had an idea. One day, on his way home from work, he bought her a small present, nothing expensive, but something he knew she liked. That night he went to her room and gave it to her. He told her how much he loved her, and sat by her side while she opened her heart to him. Quietly, he listened as she revealed her fears, her concerns, her doubts. He didn’t say much that night. He just touched her hand gently and prayed for her.

That is a beautiful picture of encouragement in action. He saw her need. He took time to listen, instead of lecturing. He reached out to her, he spoke softly, and he prayed. Did it help? Oh, yes! It was the key to her heart, and it kept the connection between them open.

Are We Blind?

Some parents see every problem as a discipline problem. They are blind to their child’s need for encouragement. What causes such blindness?

Self-centered living makes us blind to our family’s real needs. A self-centered person rarely sees the pain of another. I have known men and women with great vision for their business , but who could not see their child’s real needs.

The glare of prosperity and achievement can blind our eyes to our children’s needs. Some parents give their children things instead of attention, substituting another toy or gadget for real love. It won’t work. You get what you pay for. Substitute possessions for attention and you get a child who only loves you (if you can call it love) for what you give him. Love your child enough to get involved and you gain entrance to his heart for life. Love means involvement. It always has and it always will. Are you involved in your child’s life? Do you know the fears, the desires, and the struggles he faces?

Lack of Understanding is a kind of blindness. For several years of John’s childhood, his parents disciplined him when they should have encouraged him. They loved John, yet were blind to his real needs, his deeper needs. They only saw the outward expressions of those needs in his negative behavior.

A perceptive counselor at their son’s school helped them understand that his problems needed a different approach. Their son wanted to cooperate, but he was frustrated by difficulties they were blind to. They still needed to discipline him at times. But when they saw his real needs they learned to encourage more and discipline more effectively.

Encouragement is the mark of effective leaders. Through it they raise their followers’ spirits, leading them to accomplish mighty deeds and win impossible battles.

Winston Churchill knew how to encourage. He spoke hope to the British people during the long days and nights of German bombings. He reminded them of who they were and what they could do, and assured them that victory would be theirs. All children need parents who can do that for them in a way they can understand at their age. Little soldiers often fight big battles.

Like water to a thirsty plant, encouragement makes our children flourish. Who pours fresh hope into your daughter when she makes a mistake in her recital? Who stands by your son when he misses the goal that would have won the game? Think about your own life as a child. Weren’t there more discouragers than encouragers? Teachers, coaches, tutors, playmates: everyone seemed too busy to encourage. For most of us, a few people, perhaps only one or two, stand out. They were the encouragers, the life-changers. Wouldn’t you like to be one of those rare people in your child’s life?

Among my treasures I have a card from one of my sons. He wrote it during his teen years. In it he calls me a great dad and a great encourager. I don’t know if I always deserved those titles, but what joy to know my son saw me that way.

We will see our child’s need for encouragement if we ask Jesus, the Great Physician, to heal our vision. Then we will begin seeing our children as He sees them. It’s not a sin to be blind, but it is a sin to stay blind when sight is available. Will you pray this prayer?

“Lord Jesus, you alone can give sight to the blind. We ask you to open our eyes to our children. Help us to see them as you see them and to love them as you love them. Show us what blinds us. If we have shut our eyes, refusing to see, forgive us. Grant us the courage to open our eyes and see our selves and our children as we really are.”

Making Your Discipline Effective

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Give Definite Warnings

Indefinite warnings are wasted warnings. As an example, which one of these parents will get the best results?

Parent number one: “John, don’t be so naughty. If you don’t straighten up, you’re going to get it!”

Parent number two: “Susie, do not hit your brother. If you hit your brother again, you will sit on your time out chair for ten minutes. Do you understand?”

If you picked the second warning, you are right. Little Susie will get the message. If she doesn’t, her parents will know exactly what to do.

A definite warning is much stronger than an empty threat. The second warning identifies the unruly behavior, states the parent’s expectation, and explains the consequences of disobedience. The first warning, though full of emotion, is vague. You can almost hear the shouting and feel the tension. But it doesn’t really say anything. John will probably ignore the first warning, and the parent who gave it will become very frustrated.

Parents who give indefinite warnings run the risk of losing their child’s respect and attention. Here is the progression:

When discipline is not clear . . .

Authority is not enforced . . .

Respect is not established . . .

The parent’s voice is not obeyed.

The result is a nagging parent, and a nagging parent is a defeated parent. Worst of all, the child learns that he can control Mommy and Daddy by ignoring them, at least until they start screaming and shouting.

Make the Warning Appropriate to the Child’s Age

Even a little child can understand the word, “No.” Establish good limits early and help your child know the consequences for misbehaving. The longer you wait the harder it gets. If you wait too long, it will become a hopeless task.

If he heeds the warning, let him know you are pleased. If he doesn’t heed the warning, carry out the discipline you promised.

If you discipline effectively while your children are young, your job will become easier when they grow older.

Use Appropriate Discipline

As a child grows, your forms of discipline need to change. You will know the effectiveness of the discipline when you see your child’s response. If you see her attitude soften, if she is sorry for her actions, and complies with your directions, you will know that the discipline has worked.

When our two sons were sixteen and twelve, they often argued about washing the dishes, a chore we had assigned to them. One evening, when they fought about who would wash and who would dry, I decided to teach them a lesson. I required them to sit still in the kitchen while I washed the dishes and gave them instructions in how to do it. I washed extra slowly, taking my time . . . and theirs! After that, we had fewer problems . . . at least for a while. Perhaps that helps us understand that discipline is something our children want to avoid enough to obey the rules we have established.

Discipline Near the Time of Disobedience

The parent who is present is the parent who should apply discipline. It won’t help your child to threaten him with discipline, “when Daddy comes home.” You wouldn’t like that, would you? The child begins to dread his father coming home because he knows he will punish him or scold him. Besides, by the end of the day younger children often forget what they did wrong in that morning.

Never, Never, Never!

Never Ridicule Your Children

Don’t call them bad names, tease them in harmful ways, or shame them. Ridicule will create bitterness toward you and toward others in authority. They may obey you, but you will kill their enthusiasm. No child should wither like a dead weed. They should bloom! As the Bible says, “Parents, do not irritate your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21)

Never Use Rejection as a Form of Discipline

Some parents actually tell their children they hate them or can’t stand them, ripping their children’s souls to shreds with their violent words. We know a lady whose mother would lock her in a closet, for hours, when she became frustrated with her. Another friend’s mother would refuse to speak to her for days when she misbehaved. Try to imagine how that would make a young child feel.

Maybe you don’t need to imagine. Maybe you know. Perhaps it happened to you. Rejection can imprison a child for life. So we need to let our children know that we love them, no matter what they do, but we will not tolerate their misbehavior.

Parents who speak violent words, subject their children to stony silence, or lock them in closets, have deep needs of their own. Here’s the good news for your bad news: Jesus has the power to heal your hurts and renew your mind. He makes broken people into healthy parents.

Never Over-react

Most parents will over react at times. In a moment of frustration we might blast our child with unkind, angry words. We might make dreadful threats, or discipline the innocent child by mistake. It’s never excusable, but take some comfort in knowing that it happens to many of us. To lessen the possibility, sometimes it helps to give yourself a time-out before you respond to your child’s misbehavior.

Never Give Up

Some parents have. They believe that they can do nothing with their children, and that belief leads to passivity. In other words, they are discouraged. Now, I know it’s easy for parents to become discouraged. But your child’s welfare and future depend on your involvement.

What should you do if you commit one of the nevers? Be honest. Don’t try to cover up. Admit your mistakes. Nothing else will work.

One day, when our boys were still young, I asked Michael to wash the car. When I checked on him, I found water inside the car. I blew up! I even called him an idiot. (Not one of my shining moments as a dad.) From the corner of my eye I saw Matt, his younger brother, crying. Now, why did Matt cry when I yelled at Mike? “What’s the matter with you?” I said angrily.

With tears spilling from his eyes, my little six-year-old son replied: “Dad, it’s the way you shouted at my brother. Mike didn’t mean to get water in the car. He was just trying to help. Your words sounded like just a show of anger.”

What’s a dad to do? I could have rebuked Matt for talking to me like that, but he was right. I had been angry. I had wrongly accused Mike of carelessness. The only right action was to admit I had been wrong. That’s what I did. I may have lost face, but better that than losing my son’s respect.

Here’s an idea we need to grasp: losing face and losing respect are not the same. Haven’t you lost respect for someone who maintains his personal image, no matter what lies he has to tell to do it? And don’t you genuinely respect the person who will risk looking bad, but maintain integrity?

All parents are imperfect. Since we can’t be perfect, we need enough honesty to admit we made a mistake. Otherwise, we are teaching our children that “might makes right.” Will they ever respect anyone’s authority when they have lost respect for us?

Children differ greatly in their temperament and personality. We parents need to learn their differences so we don’t make the crucial mistake of treating weakness or helplessness as rebellion. How desperately we need a sensitive heart, a heart like God’s heart, in caring for our children. Before we go any further, let’s stop and pray:

“Father God, give me a heart like yours. Give me your wisdom. Show me my children through your eyes. Change the things in me that keep me from being a good parent. I repent of my pride, my impatience, and my harshness. Thank you for each of our children and for what we learn as we raise them. Help me to care enough to discipline my children with love. Amen.”

Warn the Unruly

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What Does Unruly Mean?

The word unruly describes children who either break the rules or ignore the rules. It refers to willful disobedience.

An unruly person chooses to do wrong, though he knows what is right.

Unruly behavior requires a clear, understandable, enforceable warning and appropriate consequences if the child ignores the warning.

Out of Bounds

Many Americans love snow skiing. Thousands ride to the tops of the mountains, then glide, race, and sometimes tumble down the slopes. Unfortunately, every year people injure themselves seriously, or even die, in skiing accidents. Ski resorts mark certain areas out-of-bounds because they know dangers the skiers would not see. And they have ski patrols, experts on skis and in emergency first aid, who watch for any out-of-control skiers. A ski patrolman once told me the two most common reasons for accidents: skiing out of control and skiing out of bounds.

There is a lesson here for us. Parents set boundaries for the same reason the ski resorts do. Though we know that our children could still get hurt living within the boundaries, we know there are hidden dangers, dangers they do not understand, outside the boundaries.

Setting the Boundaries

Parents must teach children the very important lesson of obeying the rules and limits we set. For that to happen, the rules must be fair, consistent, and appropriate to the child’s age. Fair, because unfair rules lead to resentful children. Consistent, because only consistent rules develop solid character. Possible for the child to obey, because children differ in character and maturity. What works with a five-year-old won’t work with his twelve-year-old sister.

A few years ago, a frustrated mother wrote to a newspaper advice column for help with her daughter. The little girl, only five years old, made life unbearable for everyone around her. The mother wanted to know if her daughter was old enough to discipline. “Get busy,” the columnist answered, “you have wasted the five most important years of your child’s life.” We don’t want to make the same mistake, do we?

I have stayed in homes with children like that. One family actually thought their little daughter had a demon! Weird, right? She did not have a demon, but she did act like a little devil. The little girl didn’t need exorcism. She needed good discipline and loving attention. But with parents who were never around, and a grandmother too feeble to keep her in line, how would she get it?

We hear the same stories in our seminars. Parents feel they cannot control their children. Teachers and church children’s workers echo the cry.

According to some family counselors, moms and dads are sometimes in denial about their children’s bad behavior. Here is what Suzanne Fields, a noted family therapist says:

“Certainly there are many parents who know how to set limits for their children and how to establish a clear, bright line between behavior that is right and behavior that is wrong. But the current generation of parents seem almost bewildered about some of the most basic principles of child rearing.”

The Power of No

As soon as children understand the meaning of the word, “No,” education in the school of life begins. They learn about limitations: objects they may not touch, places they may not go, and words they will not say.

Many parents are afraid to say “No,” and enforce it when they say it. Others comment that after a long day in a demanding job, they just do not have the emotional energy to deny a child anything. That one little word, “No” can be very difficult to say and enforce. Yet so much of a child’s future success depends on it.

Unruly children live as if life has no boundaries. They cause their parents, themselves, and everyone else, much aggravation and pain. Does anybody enjoy being around children who haven’t learned to respect limitations? Often they grow into selfish adults who continue to torment people by their unruly living. They break the rules of the road. They break the rules in business. They break the rules in relationships. All that matters is having their way. What a dangerous condition!

The Bible records a story, a very sad story, about a man who destroyed his life because nobody challenged his selfish, unruly behavior. His name was Adonijah. He was the privileged son of a king, yet he came to a sad and untimely end. Here is a part of his story:

“Now Adonijah . . . put himself forward and said, ‘I will be king.’ So he got chariots and horses ready, with fifty men to run ahead of him. (His father had never interfered with him by asking, `Why do you behave as you do?’ He was also very handsome and was born next after Absalom.)” (I Kings 1:5, 6, NIV)

Adonijah had all the resources to become a successful adult, but he was headed for failure. Why? No one interfered with him. No one questioned his motives, his choices, his pride, or his behavior. His father, David, didn’t interfere. Perhaps he was just too busy running the kingdom to prevent his son’s ruin. Or, maybe he just didn’t want to upset the little guy.

What about his mother? The Bible doesn’t tell us much about her. Perhaps, like some mothers, she pampered her son, believing that his future was her future. As C. S. Lewis once said, a mother can never love her son too much, but she can love him in the wrong way. Adonijah’s mommy may have made that costly mistake.

Even with all the advantages he had, Adonijah was a victim of parental neglect. Why? Because his parents overlooked his need for discipline. Read the rest of the story in the Bible to see the heartbreaking results. Adonijah caused his nation, his parents, his friends, and himself many serious problems. He died relatively young, destroyed in the prime of his life by his own self-centeredness.

Our children will only grow into responsible adults if we challenge their unruly behavior while they are still young and tender. An old Malayan proverb says: “If you want to mold the shape of the tree, begin when it is a twig.” Or, as the Bible says, “Teach a child how he should live, and he will remember it all his life.” (Proverbs 22:6, TEV)

How do we handle unruly children? Warn them! Challenge your child’s unruly behavior. Be prepared to enforce the warning with proper discipline if he disregards your voice. Proper discipline depends on the child’s age and personal development, and also his or her temperament. Sometimes a sharp word will be enough to enforce the rule, but we may need to go further.

We can learn how to warn our children and enforce those warnings, no matter what our temperament is, or theirs. But don’t become a passive parent. Passive parents are a danger to their children. When it comes to discipline, doing nothing is always the wrong choice.

 

Pleasure, Pain, and Patience

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A married couple conceives a child in a moment of pleasure. For nine months they wait patiently while a tiny life develops in the mother’s body. Finally, after hours of painful labor, Mom and Dad hold their new baby in their arms. No other joy compares.

Many years of pleasure, patience, and sometimes pain await them. The same darling baby whose every new accomplishment brings joy and pride might some day make them want to hide their faces in embarrassment. One day they’ll boast about what great children they have, ready to tell the world their formula for parental success. The next day they might feel like the worst parents who ever lived. They will laugh, and they will cry. Being a parent is a roller coaster ride.

Most parents expect their share of pain and patiently bear it, knowing there will be many hours of pleasure as well. But for some, parental pain far outweighs parental pleasure. The Bible tells us, “Children are a gift from the Lord: they are a real blessing.” (Psalm 127:3, NIV) If that is so, why do so many parents feel frustrated with these living gifts from God? Mothers and fathers who had the highest expectations for their children watch those expectations turn into disappointments.

We can find help in the Bible. It has a tremendous amount of wisdom for parents. That wisdom comes in three major forms: instruction, example, and commandment.

Sometimes we even find parental wisdom in unexpected places. That happened to me when I was reading something written by Paul, the apostle. In I Thessalonians, chapter five, verse fourteen, Paul gives condensed instructions to church leaders about how to care for the people, their spiritual children. His advice to spiritual leaders will help parents, too. In fact, this verse became our personal parenting plan. I have paraphrased this verse so some important words will be easier to understand:

“Now we encourage you, brothers, warn the unruly, encourage the faint-hearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.”

Notice the three different types of people Paul mentions: unruly people, faint-hearted people, and weak people. In one short verse Paul tells the leaders the most effective way to treat each type. He very wisely recognizes that people need special care for their special difficulties. There isn’t just one solution for every challenge.

Like the leaders in that church, we can learn to understand the reason for our child’s behavior and use the remedy that matches that reason. If we misunderstand the reason, we could choose the wrong way to address the problem. And that can damage our child and our future relationship with our child.

In the next few sections we will look at each of the three possible reasons Paul gives, and apply them to our children. As you read them, why not ask God to speak to you about you and your child? His wisdom is never outdated, and will help us become effective parents for the twenty-first century.