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積極的懲罰,二

by Mike Constantine

(如果你還沒有讀過關於積極的懲罰的第一部分,現 在閱讀)

不論我們或他們的性情如何,我們都可以學習如何警告孩子們並強調那些 警告。關鍵是不要讓你自己成為被動的父母。以下一些策略也許能有所 幫助:

警告的內容要明確

含糊的警告是沒用的。舉例來說,以下那個父母的警告結果更好:

  • 家長1:“約翰,別這麼淘氣。如果再這樣,那你就有麻煩了。”
  • 家長2:“蘇珊,別打你弟弟。如果你再打你弟弟,你就要在椅子上坐10分鐘不動,懂了嗎?”

如果你選擇的是第二種警告,那麼你是對的。小蘇珊收到了警告,如果她 不聽話,父母會如何懲罰她。

明確的警告比空洞的嚇唬要更有作用。第二條警告明確了錯誤的行為,說 明了父母的期望,並解釋了不聽話的後果。第一條警告,雖然飽含 情緒,但卻模糊。你幾乎都可以聽見叫喊和感覺到緊張。但是它其實沒有表達什麼實在的內容。約翰很有可能根本不理第一條警告,而發出警告的父母也會因此沮 喪。

給出含糊警告的父母很有可能會失去孩子對他們的尊重的關注,請看以 下:

當懲罰不夠 清楚,
權威便沒有 受到強調;
尊重沒有被 建立;
父母的指令 也不會被遵守。

結果父母變得嘮叨,而嘮叨的父母是不會成功的。最糟的是,孩子學 會以不予理睬來控制爸爸媽媽,至少在他們開始尖叫吵鬧之後。

讓你的警告與孩子的年齡相符。就算是幼兒也明白不”的含義。事實上,在孩子出生後的第 一年,你就應該制訂規則。等待的時間越長,就越難。如果太久,就會成為不可能的事情了。

如果他接受了警告,讓他知道你很高興。如果他不接受,執行你之前 所宣佈的懲罰。

使用適當的懲罰

隨著孩子的長大,你的懲罰形式也要有所改變。看看孩子的反應,你 就知道這種懲罰的有效性如何。如果你看到她的態度軟下來,或者她為 自己的行為難過,那麼這種懲罰就是有效的。

如果在孩子們年幼時你的懲罰就有效,那麼當他們長大時你的任務也 會容易些。

在我們的兩個兒子分別為16歲和12歲時,他們經常為誰洗盤子而 爭論。我們喜歡這樣!有天晚上,他們正在爭論誰應該洗,誰應該負責 擦幹,我決定給他們上一課。我要求他們靜靜地坐在廚房裏看著我洗,我邊洗邊解釋應該如何去洗。我故意洗得非常慢,慢慢洗… !自那以後,他們的問題少了,至少在一段時期內少了。懲罰應該是孩子們很想避免的事情,因此他們才會遵守我們訂下的規則。

犯錯之後馬上懲罰

現在還是父母的父母,應該馬上應用懲罰。如果只是嚇唬要如何懲罰 是沒用的,“一旦爸爸回家”你不希望這樣, 對不對?孩子開始害怕父親回家,因為他知道父親會懲罰或批評他。另外,當一 天結束時,年幼的孩子們經常會忘掉他們做過的錯事。

決不,決不,決不

絕對不要嘲笑你的孩子

不要罵他們,不要戲弄或羞辱他們。嘲笑會給你和其他權威帶來麻 煩。孩子們可能會聽話,但是你扼殺了他們的熱情。孩子不應該象凋零的 花朵,他們應該是盛開的花朵。《聖經》中說,“父母們,不要刺激你們的孩子,不然他們會變得氣餒。” (《歌羅西書》 3:21)

永遠不要使用拒絕作為懲罰

有些父母居然對孩子們說恨他們或不能忍受他們,用激烈的言語傷害 孩子們的心靈。我認識一位元女士,當她的母親對她沒辦法時,曾將她 鎖在衣櫥裏,一鎖就是幾個小時。另一位朋友,當她犯錯時,她的母親好多天不理她。想像一下這樣的行為會讓孩子們感覺如何。可能你不需要想像,你已經體會過 了。拒絕可能會一生禁錮孩子的心靈。我們要讓孩子們知道,無論他們做了什麼,我們都愛他們,但是不正確的行為一定要糾正。

將孩子推向冰冷的寂靜,或者將他們鎖入衣櫥的言辭激烈的父母們, 在他們的內心深處有自己的問題。好消息:耶穌有能力治癒你的傷痛或 啟動你的思想,他能將心靈破碎的父母變成健康的父母。

永遠不要反應過度

有些父母經常反應過度。在情緒崩潰的那一刻我們可能用激烈、噴怒 的言辭來對付孩子。我們可能會使用可怕的威脅或錯誤地懲罰了無辜的 孩子。這都是真實發生過的,但是如果知道有很多人都發生過類似的事情,可能會稍微好受些。有時在你對孩子的搗亂行為作出反應之前,先讓自己冷靜一下,可能 會有幫助。

永不放棄

有些父母放棄了。他們認為自己對孩子已經無能為力,而這種想法導 致了消極反應。換句話說,他們灰心了。我知道父母很容易變得灰心沮 喪。我們就經歷過多次。但是你的孩子的幸福和未來在你手上。我們通過上帝和他的箴言重新找到了勇氣,你也可以。

如果你曾經做過以上“決不中的某一項,你該怎麼辦?誠實面對,不要試圖掩蓋。承認自己 的錯誤,沒有別的選擇。

丟掉面子,而不是風度

當我們的兒子們還很小時,有一天我讓邁克去洗車。當我去檢查的時 候,我發現車裏有水。我生氣了,沖他喊了起來,甚至還說他是白癡。 通過眼角的餘光,我看到他的弟弟馬特在哭。為什麼我沖邁克喊的時候馬特會哭呢?我生氣地說,“你怎麼了?”

我那6歲大的兒子,眼淚朦朧地說:“爸爸, 你怎麼那樣罵哥哥?他不是故意把水弄到車裏的,他只是想幫忙而已。 你的話聽起來好象你只知道生氣而已。”

這時作父親應該怎麼做?我可以斥責馬特,告訴他不能這麼和我說 話,但是,他是對的。上帝通過他讓我看到了自己的錯。我生氣了,我錯 誤地指責了邁克的粗心。此時唯一正確的做法就是承認自己的錯誤,我也的確是這麼做的。我可能丟了面子,但是總比失去兒子的尊重要強。

有一個理念我們要記住:失去面子和失去尊重是不一樣的。如果某人 撒謊來挽回自己的個人形象,你還會敬重他嗎?如果有人為了維護公正 而寧可丟掉形象,你會尊重他嗎?

父母們也是不完美的。由於我們的不完美,我們需要足夠誠實,承認 自己犯下的錯誤。否則,我們是在教孩子們“權 利等於正確”。一旦失去了他們的尊重,他們還會重視權威嗎?

每個孩子因其秉性和性格都不一樣。作為父母,我們需要瞭解他們各 自的特點,這樣才不會大意地將某些孩子的不足和無助理解為反叛。我 們多麼需要一顆敏感的心啊,一顆上帝般的心,去關心孩子。在我們進行下一步之前,請先停一停,讓我們祈禱:

“聖父上帝,請賜予我一 顆如您一樣的心靈。賜予我您的智慧。讓我更瞭解我的孩子們。讓我改 變,讓我成為稱職的父母。我向您懺悔我的驕 傲,我的煩躁,我的刻薄。感謝您賜予我們的每一個孩子,感謝您讓我們在撫養孩子的過程中所學到的。請幫助我用愛更好的管教好我的孩子。 阿門!”

TC PP Positive Discipline II

Filed Under: TC, TC PP Tagged With: discipline, warning

积极的惩罚,二

by Mike Constantine

(如果你还没有读过关于积极的惩罚的第一部分,现 在阅读)

不论我们或他们的性情如何,我们都可以学习如何警告孩子们并强调那些 警告。关键是不要让你自己成为被动的父母。以下一些策略也许能有所 帮助:

警告的内容要明确

含糊的警告是没用的。举例来说,以下那个父母的警告结果更好:

  • “约翰,别这么淘气。如果再这样,那你就 有麻烦了。”
  • “苏珊,别打你弟弟。如果你再打你弟弟, 你就要在椅子上坐10分钟不动,懂了吗?”

如果你选择的是第二种警告,那么你是对的。小苏珊收到了警告,如果她 不听话,父母会如何惩罚她。

明确的警告比空洞的吓唬要更有作用。第二条警告明确了错误的行为,说 明了父母的期望,并解释了不听话的后果。第一条警告,虽然饱含情 绪,但却模糊。你几乎都可以听见叫喊和感觉到紧张。但是它其实没有表达什么实在的内容。约翰很有可能根本不理第一条警告,而发出警告的父母也会因此沮丧。

给出含糊警告的父母很有可能会失去孩子对他们的尊重的关注,请看以 下:

当惩罚不够 清楚,
权威便没有 受到强调;
尊重没有被 建立;
父母的指令 也不会被遵守。

结果父母变得唠叨,而唠叨的父母是不会成功的。最糟的是,孩子学会以 不予理睬来控制爸爸妈妈,至少在他们开始尖叫吵闹之后。

让你的警告与孩子的年龄相符。就算是幼儿也明白不”的含义。事实上,在孩子出生后的第一 年,你就应该制订规则。等待的时间越长,就越难。如果太久,就会成为不可能的事情了。

如果他接受了警告,让他知道你很高兴。如果他不接受,执行你之前所宣 布的惩罚。

使用适当的惩罚

随着孩子的长大,你的惩罚形式也要有所改变。看看孩子的反应,你就知 道这种惩罚的有效性如何。如果你看到她的态度软下来,或者她为自己 的行为难过,那么这种惩罚就是有效的。

如果在孩子们年幼时你的惩罚就有效,那么当他们长大时你的任务也会容 易些。

在我们的两个儿子分别为16岁和12岁时,他们经常为谁洗盘子而争 论。我们喜欢这样!有天晚上,他们正在争论谁应该洗,谁应该负责擦 干,我决定给他们上一课。我要求他们静静地坐在厨房里看着我洗,我边洗边解释应该如何去洗。我故意洗得非常慢,慢慢洗…!自那以后, 他们的问题少了,至少在一段时期内少了。惩罚应该是孩子们很想避免的事情,因此他们才会遵守我们订下的规则。

犯错之后马上惩罚

现在还是父母的父母,应该马上应用惩罚。如果只是吓唬要如何惩罚是没 用的,“一旦爸爸回家…”你不希望这样, 对不对?孩子开始害怕父亲回家,因为他知道父亲会惩罚或批评他。另外,当一 天结束时,年幼的孩子们经常会忘掉他们做过的错事。

决不,决不,决不

绝对不要嘲笑你的孩子

不要骂他们,不要戏弄或羞辱他们。嘲笑会给你和其他权威带来麻烦。孩 子们可能会听话,但是你扼杀了他们的热情。孩子不应该象凋零的花 朵,他们应该是盛开的花朵。《圣经》中说,“父母们,不要刺激你们的孩子,不然他们会变得气馁。” (《歌罗西书》 3:21)

永远不要使用拒绝作为惩罚

有些父母居然对孩子们说恨他们或不能忍受他们,用激烈的言语伤害孩子 们的心灵。我认识一位女士,当她的母亲对她没办法时,曾将她锁在衣 橱里,一锁就是几个小时。另一位朋友,当她犯错时,她的母亲好多天不理她。想象一下这样的行为会让孩子们感觉如何。可能你不需要想象,你已经体会过了。拒 绝可能会一生禁锢孩子的心灵。我们要让孩子们知道,无论他们做了什么,我们都爱他们,但是不正确的行为一定要纠正。

将孩子推向冰冷的寂静,或者将他们锁入衣橱的言辞激烈的父母们,在他 们的内心深处有自己的问题。好消息:耶稣有能力治愈你的伤痛或激活 你的思想,他能将心灵破碎的父母变成健康的父母。

永远不要反应过度

有些父母经常反应过度。在情绪崩溃的那一刻我们可能用激烈、喷怒的言 辞来对付孩子。我们可能会使用可怕的威胁或错误地惩罚了无辜的孩 子。这都是真实发生过的,但是如果知道有很多人都发生过类似的事情,可能会稍微好受些。有时在你对孩子的捣乱行为作出反应之前,先让自己冷静一下,可能会 有帮助。

永不放弃

有些父母放弃了。他们认为自己对孩子已经无能为力,而这种想法导致了 消极反应。换句话说,他们灰心了。我知道父母很容易变得灰心沮丧。 我们就经历过多次。但是你的孩子的幸福和未来在你手上。我们通过上帝和他的箴言重新找到了勇气,你也可以。

如果你曾经做过以上“决不中的某一项,你该怎么办?诚实面对,不要试图掩盖。承认自己的错 误,没有别的选择。

丢掉面子,而不是风度

当我们的儿子们还很小时,有一天我让迈克去洗车。当我去检查的时候, 我发现车里有水。我生气了,冲他喊了起来,甚至还说他是白痴。通过 眼角的余光,我看到他的弟弟马特在哭。为什么我冲迈克喊的时候马特会哭呢?我生气地说,“你怎么了?”

我那6岁大的儿子,眼泪朦胧地说:“爸爸,你怎 么那样骂哥哥?他不是故意把水弄到车里的,他只是想帮忙而已。你的 话听起来好象你只知道生气而已。”

这时作父亲应该怎么做?我可以斥责马特,告诉他不能这么和我说话,但 是,他是对的。上帝通过他让我看到了自己的错。我生气了,我错误地 指责了迈克的粗心。此时唯一正确的做法就是承认自己的错误,我也的确是这么做的。我可能丢了面子,但是总比失去儿子的尊重要强。

有一个理念我们要记住:失去面子和失去尊重是不一样的。如果某人撒谎 来挽回自己的个人形象,你还会敬重他吗?如果有人为了维护公正而宁 可丢掉形象,你会尊重他吗?

父母们也是不完美的。由于我们的不完美,我们需要足够诚实,承认自己 犯下的错误。否则,我们是在教孩子们“权利等 于正确”。一旦失去了他们的尊重,他们还会重视权威吗?

每个孩子因其秉性和性格都不一样。作为父母,我们需要了解他们各自的 特点,这样才不会大意地将某些孩子的不足和无助理解为反叛。我们多 么需要一颗敏感的心啊,一颗上帝般的心,去关心孩子。在我们进行下一步之前,请先停一停,让我们祈祷:

“圣父上帝,请赐予我一颗如您一样的心灵。赐予我您的智慧。让我更了解我的孩子们。让我改变,让我成为称职的父母。我向您忏悔我的骄 傲,我的烦躁,我的刻薄。感谢您赐予我们的每一个孩子,感谢您让我们在抚养孩子的过程中所学到的。请帮助我用爱更好的管教好我的孩子。 阿门!”

 

SC PP- Positive Discipline part 2

Filed Under: SC, SC-PP Tagged With: discipline, warning

Making Your Discipline Effective

by Mike Constantine

Give Definite Warnings

Indefinite warnings are wasted warnings. As an example, which one of these parents will get the best results?

Parent number one: “John, don’t be so naughty. If you don’t straighten up, you’re going to get it!”

Parent number two: “Susie, do not hit your brother. If you hit your brother again, you will sit on your time out chair for ten minutes. Do you understand?”

If you picked the second warning, you are right. Little Susie will get the message. If she doesn’t, her parents will know exactly what to do.

A definite warning is much stronger than an empty threat. The second warning identifies the unruly behavior, states the parent’s expectation, and explains the consequences of disobedience. The first warning, though full of emotion, is vague. You can almost hear the shouting and feel the tension. But it doesn’t really say anything. John will probably ignore the first warning, and the parent who gave it will become very frustrated.

Parents who give indefinite warnings run the risk of losing their child’s respect and attention. Here is the progression:

When discipline is not clear . . .

Authority is not enforced . . .

Respect is not established . . .

The parent’s voice is not obeyed.

The result is a nagging parent, and a nagging parent is a defeated parent. Worst of all, the child learns that he can control Mommy and Daddy by ignoring them, at least until they start screaming and shouting.

Make the Warning Appropriate to the Child’s Age

Even a little child can understand the word, “No.” Establish good limits early and help your child know the consequences for misbehaving. The longer you wait the harder it gets. If you wait too long, it will become a hopeless task.

If he heeds the warning, let him know you are pleased. If he doesn’t heed the warning, carry out the discipline you promised.

If you discipline effectively while your children are young, your job will become easier when they grow older.

Use Appropriate Discipline

As a child grows, your forms of discipline need to change. You will know the effectiveness of the discipline when you see your child’s response. If you see her attitude soften, if she is sorry for her actions, and complies with your directions, you will know that the discipline has worked.

When our two sons were sixteen and twelve, they often argued about washing the dishes, a chore we had assigned to them. One evening, when they fought about who would wash and who would dry, I decided to teach them a lesson. I required them to sit still in the kitchen while I washed the dishes and gave them instructions in how to do it. I washed extra slowly, taking my time . . . and theirs! After that, we had fewer problems . . . at least for a while. Perhaps that helps us understand that discipline is something our children want to avoid enough to obey the rules we have established.

Discipline Near the Time of Disobedience

The parent who is present is the parent who should apply discipline. It won’t help your child to threaten him with discipline, “when Daddy comes home.” You wouldn’t like that, would you? The child begins to dread his father coming home because he knows he will punish him or scold him. Besides, by the end of the day younger children often forget what they did wrong in that morning.

Never, Never, Never!

Never Ridicule Your Children

Don’t call them bad names, tease them in harmful ways, or shame them. Ridicule will create bitterness toward you and toward others in authority. They may obey you, but you will kill their enthusiasm. No child should wither like a dead weed. They should bloom! As the Bible says, “Parents, do not irritate your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21)

Never Use Rejection as a Form of Discipline

Some parents actually tell their children they hate them or can’t stand them, ripping their children’s souls to shreds with their violent words. We know a lady whose mother would lock her in a closet, for hours, when she became frustrated with her. Another friend’s mother would refuse to speak to her for days when she misbehaved. Try to imagine how that would make a young child feel.

Maybe you don’t need to imagine. Maybe you know. Perhaps it happened to you. Rejection can imprison a child for life. So we need to let our children know that we love them, no matter what they do, but we will not tolerate their misbehavior.

Parents who speak violent words, subject their children to stony silence, or lock them in closets, have deep needs of their own. Here’s the good news for your bad news: Jesus has the power to heal your hurts and renew your mind. He makes broken people into healthy parents.

Never Over-react

Most parents will over react at times. In a moment of frustration we might blast our child with unkind, angry words. We might make dreadful threats, or discipline the innocent child by mistake. It’s never excusable, but take some comfort in knowing that it happens to many of us. To lessen the possibility, sometimes it helps to give yourself a time-out before you respond to your child’s misbehavior.

Never Give Up

Some parents have. They believe that they can do nothing with their children, and that belief leads to passivity. In other words, they are discouraged. Now, I know it’s easy for parents to become discouraged. But your child’s welfare and future depend on your involvement.

What should you do if you commit one of the nevers? Be honest. Don’t try to cover up. Admit your mistakes. Nothing else will work.

One day, when our boys were still young, I asked Michael to wash the car. When I checked on him, I found water inside the car. I blew up! I even called him an idiot. (Not one of my shining moments as a dad.) From the corner of my eye I saw Matt, his younger brother, crying. Now, why did Matt cry when I yelled at Mike? “What’s the matter with you?” I said angrily.

With tears spilling from his eyes, my little six-year-old son replied: “Dad, it’s the way you shouted at my brother. Mike didn’t mean to get water in the car. He was just trying to help. Your words sounded like just a show of anger.”

What’s a dad to do? I could have rebuked Matt for talking to me like that, but he was right. I had been angry. I had wrongly accused Mike of carelessness. The only right action was to admit I had been wrong. That’s what I did. I may have lost face, but better that than losing my son’s respect.

Here’s an idea we need to grasp: losing face and losing respect are not the same. Haven’t you lost respect for someone who maintains his personal image, no matter what lies he has to tell to do it? And don’t you genuinely respect the person who will risk looking bad, but maintain integrity?

All parents are imperfect. Since we can’t be perfect, we need enough honesty to admit we made a mistake. Otherwise, we are teaching our children that “might makes right.” Will they ever respect anyone’s authority when they have lost respect for us?

Children differ greatly in their temperament and personality. We parents need to learn their differences so we don’t make the crucial mistake of treating weakness or helplessness as rebellion. How desperately we need a sensitive heart, a heart like God’s heart, in caring for our children. Before we go any further, let’s stop and pray:

“Father God, give me a heart like yours. Give me your wisdom. Show me my children through your eyes. Change the things in me that keep me from being a good parent. I repent of my pride, my impatience, and my harshness. Thank you for each of our children and for what we learn as we raise them. Help me to care enough to discipline my children with love. Amen.”

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: age-appropriate, discipline, effective, warning

Warn the Unruly

by Mike Constantine

What Does Unruly Mean?

The word unruly describes children who either break the rules or ignore the rules. It refers to willful disobedience.

An unruly person chooses to do wrong, though he knows what is right.

Unruly behavior requires a clear, understandable, enforceable warning and appropriate consequences if the child ignores the warning.

Out of Bounds

Many Americans love snow skiing. Thousands ride to the tops of the mountains, then glide, race, and sometimes tumble down the slopes. Unfortunately, every year people injure themselves seriously, or even die, in skiing accidents. Ski resorts mark certain areas out-of-bounds because they know dangers the skiers would not see. And they have ski patrols, experts on skis and in emergency first aid, who watch for any out-of-control skiers. A ski patrolman once told me the two most common reasons for accidents: skiing out of control and skiing out of bounds.

There is a lesson here for us. Parents set boundaries for the same reason the ski resorts do. Though we know that our children could still get hurt living within the boundaries, we know there are hidden dangers, dangers they do not understand, outside the boundaries.

Setting the Boundaries

Parents must teach children the very important lesson of obeying the rules and limits we set. For that to happen, the rules must be fair, consistent, and appropriate to the child’s age. Fair, because unfair rules lead to resentful children. Consistent, because only consistent rules develop solid character. Possible for the child to obey, because children differ in character and maturity. What works with a five-year-old won’t work with his twelve-year-old sister.

A few years ago, a frustrated mother wrote to a newspaper advice column for help with her daughter. The little girl, only five years old, made life unbearable for everyone around her. The mother wanted to know if her daughter was old enough to discipline. “Get busy,” the columnist answered, “you have wasted the five most important years of your child’s life.” We don’t want to make the same mistake, do we?

I have stayed in homes with children like that. One family actually thought their little daughter had a demon! Weird, right? She did not have a demon, but she did act like a little devil. The little girl didn’t need exorcism. She needed good discipline and loving attention. But with parents who were never around, and a grandmother too feeble to keep her in line, how would she get it?

We hear the same stories in our seminars. Parents feel they cannot control their children. Teachers and church children’s workers echo the cry.

According to some family counselors, moms and dads are sometimes in denial about their children’s bad behavior. Here is what Suzanne Fields, a noted family therapist says:

“Certainly there are many parents who know how to set limits for their children and how to establish a clear, bright line between behavior that is right and behavior that is wrong. But the current generation of parents seem almost bewildered about some of the most basic principles of child rearing.”

The Power of No

As soon as children understand the meaning of the word, “No,” education in the school of life begins. They learn about limitations: objects they may not touch, places they may not go, and words they will not say.

Many parents are afraid to say “No,” and enforce it when they say it. Others comment that after a long day in a demanding job, they just do not have the emotional energy to deny a child anything. That one little word, “No” can be very difficult to say and enforce. Yet so much of a child’s future success depends on it.

Unruly children live as if life has no boundaries. They cause their parents, themselves, and everyone else, much aggravation and pain. Does anybody enjoy being around children who haven’t learned to respect limitations? Often they grow into selfish adults who continue to torment people by their unruly living. They break the rules of the road. They break the rules in business. They break the rules in relationships. All that matters is having their way. What a dangerous condition!

The Bible records a story, a very sad story, about a man who destroyed his life because nobody challenged his selfish, unruly behavior. His name was Adonijah. He was the privileged son of a king, yet he came to a sad and untimely end. Here is a part of his story:

“Now Adonijah . . . put himself forward and said, ‘I will be king.’ So he got chariots and horses ready, with fifty men to run ahead of him. (His father had never interfered with him by asking, `Why do you behave as you do?’ He was also very handsome and was born next after Absalom.)” (I Kings 1:5, 6, NIV)

Adonijah had all the resources to become a successful adult, but he was headed for failure. Why? No one interfered with him. No one questioned his motives, his choices, his pride, or his behavior. His father, David, didn’t interfere. Perhaps he was just too busy running the kingdom to prevent his son’s ruin. Or, maybe he just didn’t want to upset the little guy.

What about his mother? The Bible doesn’t tell us much about her. Perhaps, like some mothers, she pampered her son, believing that his future was her future. As C. S. Lewis once said, a mother can never love her son too much, but she can love him in the wrong way. Adonijah’s mommy may have made that costly mistake.

Even with all the advantages he had, Adonijah was a victim of parental neglect. Why? Because his parents overlooked his need for discipline. Read the rest of the story in the Bible to see the heartbreaking results. Adonijah caused his nation, his parents, his friends, and himself many serious problems. He died relatively young, destroyed in the prime of his life by his own self-centeredness.

Our children will only grow into responsible adults if we challenge their unruly behavior while they are still young and tender. An old Malayan proverb says: “If you want to mold the shape of the tree, begin when it is a twig.” Or, as the Bible says, “Teach a child how he should live, and he will remember it all his life.” (Proverbs 22:6, TEV)

How do we handle unruly children? Warn them! Challenge your child’s unruly behavior. Be prepared to enforce the warning with proper discipline if he disregards your voice. Proper discipline depends on the child’s age and personal development, and also his or her temperament. Sometimes a sharp word will be enough to enforce the rule, but we may need to go further.

We can learn how to warn our children and enforce those warnings, no matter what our temperament is, or theirs. But don’t become a passive parent. Passive parents are a danger to their children. When it comes to discipline, doing nothing is always the wrong choice.

 

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: consequences, discipline, disobedient, nagging, parenting, rejection, ridicule, unruly, warning

Pleasure, Pain, and Patience

by Mike Constantine

A married couple conceives a child in a moment of pleasure. For nine months they wait patiently while a tiny life develops in the mother’s body. Finally, after hours of painful labor, Mom and Dad hold their new baby in their arms. No other joy compares.

Many years of pleasure, patience, and sometimes pain await them. The same darling baby whose every new accomplishment brings joy and pride might some day make them want to hide their faces in embarrassment. One day they’ll boast about what great children they have, ready to tell the world their formula for parental success. The next day they might feel like the worst parents who ever lived. They will laugh, and they will cry. Being a parent is a roller coaster ride.

Most parents expect their share of pain and patiently bear it, knowing there will be many hours of pleasure as well. But for some, parental pain far outweighs parental pleasure. The Bible tells us, “Children are a gift from the Lord: they are a real blessing.” (Psalm 127:3, NIV) If that is so, why do so many parents feel frustrated with these living gifts from God? Mothers and fathers who had the highest expectations for their children watch those expectations turn into disappointments.

We can find help in the Bible. It has a tremendous amount of wisdom for parents. That wisdom comes in three major forms: instruction, example, and commandment.

Sometimes we even find parental wisdom in unexpected places. That happened to me when I was reading something written by Paul, the apostle. In I Thessalonians, chapter five, verse fourteen, Paul gives condensed instructions to church leaders about how to care for the people, their spiritual children. His advice to spiritual leaders will help parents, too. In fact, this verse became our personal parenting plan. I have paraphrased this verse so some important words will be easier to understand:

“Now we encourage you, brothers, warn the unruly, encourage the faint-hearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.”

Notice the three different types of people Paul mentions: unruly people, faint-hearted people, and weak people. In one short verse Paul tells the leaders the most effective way to treat each type. He very wisely recognizes that people need special care for their special difficulties. There isn’t just one solution for every challenge.

Like the leaders in that church, we can learn to understand the reason for our child’s behavior and use the remedy that matches that reason. If we misunderstand the reason, we could choose the wrong way to address the problem. And that can damage our child and our future relationship with our child.

In the next few sections we will look at each of the three possible reasons Paul gives, and apply them to our children. As you read them, why not ask God to speak to you about you and your child? His wisdom is never outdated, and will help us become effective parents for the twenty-first century.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: boundaries, discipline, parenting, unruly, warning, willful disobedience

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