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Trust

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It amazes me that experts on marriage talk so little about trust. They discuss compatibility, even administer personality profiles to help a couple see how they match up. All good, and very worthwhile. When I do pre-marriage counseling I often use the same tools.

Since every couple want a marriage built to last and satisfy, trust is more important than any other quality. We simply do not develop intimacy with someone we don’t trust.

The depth of our intimacy will equal  the depth of our trust.

Diane and I met in college and married just after graduation. Both of us felt we were making a good choice, but I wanted to know why Diane chose to marry me? So one day I asked her. j

Here are Some common responses to that question:

“He swept me off my feet.

” She was just what I wanted.”

“Well, it seemed like the thing to do at the time.”

“I prayed and God said he was the one.”

“I don’t know.”

Diane had a different response. Diane told me she married me because she knew she could trust me. That was the core issue. She felt we had compatibility. She enjoyed my company. She felt good when she was with me. She liked the way I treated her parents.  But it was trust that mattered most.

Her answer led me to another question. (That’s the teacher in me) “Why did you know you could trust me?” Diane told me she knew she could trust me because I honored God. “I know you’re not perfect, Mike,” she said, “but I also know that when God speaks, you listen.”

That has always been true. In over fifty years of marriage we have had many opportunities to trust each other and to earn each other’s trust.

I heard a story about beautiful woman who married a very plain looking man. Some would say he was ugly. When asked why she married a man like him she answered, “He never hurts me.”

That is safety, built on trust.

Promises, Promises

Some people make promises with no intention of fulfilling them. They pledge their loyalty to gain acceptance, or to get what they want. To them a promise is only a means to an end, and  therefore deceptive. Vows? Those are just words you say in a ceremony, not binding promises.

Others make sincere promises. But over time, in a hundred different ways, they forget those promises. The result is a marriage with less closeness and more suspiscion.

Serious Promise Keepers

Words are like people: some you like, some you love, and some you just don’t understand. Spouse was that kind of word for me. I didn’t like it. It sounded too much like mouse, or even worse, louse! I disliked that word so much that for many years I would not use it in any article or seminar.

Like some people who seem disagreeable to you, a word can become your friend when you understand it. That happened when I uncovered the ancestry of the word spouse. It comes from  a Latin word, spondere- a word full of meaning. in Latin, spondere means a solemn promise. So a spouse is someone who solemnly promises love and honor to his or her marriage partner.

Two other words share the same ancestor: responsive and responsible. Taken together, these words paint a great picture. A spouse promises to be responsive and responsible for his or her actions. In other words, a good spouse encourages trust by faithfulness, or keeping promises.

Having Trouble Trusting Your Spouse?

Even with a trustworthy spouse, some of us have may trouble trusting. Kevin, for example. For years he had difficulty trusting his wife with money. He would demand strict accounting for every single cent she spent. That was really hard for her, for she is very responsible and did not deserve distrust. There were many tense moments, because Kevin justified his excessive accountability, claiming he was just being frugal. In truth, fear controlled him, a fear that if he did not squeeze every cent, they would not have enough.

Change began when he stopped justifying his behavior and admitted his need for God’s help. His wife was wise. She didn’t demand change. She even adapted herself to his weakness. In time, with God’s help and his wife’s patience, that controlling fear lost its power over Kevin. He was free to trust his wife in the way she really deserved.

Trusting Can Be Hard

Why is it hard to trust? Our background and upbringing might be one reason. For example, you may have grown up in a home with parents who weren’t faithful to each other. That example can condition you to expect the same from your husband or wife, or at least to live in the fear of unfaithfulness. Fear always causes some degree of tension.

A little boy went walking with his father. They came to a place with a wall about four feet high. The father lifted his son to the top of the wall and urged him to jump. “I’ll catch you,” he promised. But when the boy jumped the father stepped aside and let him fall. As the boy lay there crying, wondering why his dad let him fall, the father said, “Son, let that be a lesson to you. Never trust anyone.”

That is a true story. That little boy grew up manipulating and controlling people, but never trusting anyone. As you can imagine, he never developed true intimacy with anyone. Like a rolling stone, he kept moving from one relationship to another. He could not trust, only fear the next inevitable betrayal.

It’s also possible that some well-meaning friend or relative told you that, eventually, everyone cheats. . . especially men! Add to that all the ruined marriages you hear about. Stir in some rotten examples from the media, and you have a recipe for fear. Your husband or wife may love you exclusively, but your fears dominate. Suspicion permeates your mind like a bad odor that won’t go away.

Whatever the cause of your fears, the usual result is a desire for excessive accountability and control. You want to know where every cent went, where the person is every moment. You become angry if he or she spends anything extra or ever comes home late. You believe that every other woman or man wants to steal your mate. You live in misery and so does your spouse.

The way out of those fears is to tell yourself the truth. Yes, other mates have cheated, but that does not mean yours will. Yes, money is tight, but your spouse is a good money manager. Yes, your past was marked by some serious betrayals, but the one you married is not like the ones who hurt you.

It isn’t easy to learn to trust. But a personal relationship with God, through Christ, will make you a faithful, trustworthy person, and will bring healing from the disappointments in your past.

God has been delivering people from their fears for generations. Tell him that you know your fears are unreasonable, but that you don’t have the power to change. Ask him to help you know the truth, for when you do, the fears will die. Tensions will decrease, and restful security will grow where fear once ruled.

How Do We Build Trust?

The answer is simple: keep your promises. When you hear a little thought in your head that says, “You have a right to be happy. Go ahead! Spend the money for the mortgage payment on new golf clubs. Go to the pub with your friends.” When you hear that thought or others like it, think about the lasting, long-term effects of your unfaithfulness. Then pick up the phone, dial your spouse, and tell him or her how thankful you are for a good marriage.

Think, Act, Pray

1. What has your spouse done in the past that helps you trust him or her?

2. What has your spouse done to make it difficult for you to trust him or her?

3. If you are not trusting someone who really is trustworthy, you are probably believing a lie. What is the lie that you are believing? What is the truth?

The Importance of Being Submitted to God

I once stayed in the home of a young, very successful businessman. He had started small, but his business grew rapidly. Unfortunately, his commitment to Christ withered just as rapidly. One day his wife spoke to me privately. “I worry about my husband,” she said. “He used to pray and read his Bible first thing each morning. Now, no more. When he wakes up, he first wants to see the stock market report. He speculates on the market day and night.” She also told me about a dream she had. She saw a large python come into her house, wrap itself around her children, and begin squeezing them. She said that snake stood for her husband’s love of money and that it was strangling her family.

4. If you had a dream that a snake was strangling your marriage, what would that snake’s name be?

Marriage and Sex- The Private Garden

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This is the third in a series that I call The Three Loves. In the first we discussed Fence Love, a love that protects marital intimacy. In the second we talked about friendship in marriage. In this article we will think about sexual love in marriage.

For married couples, sex can be either great or a great challenge. Take a moment to read some actual comments we have received from husbands and wives who have attended our seminars:

“We’ve been married only a year and my husband hasn’t touched me in months! I want his affection; I want to make love to the man I married.” (from a Chinese Malaysian wife)

“Asian Women! They are so cold and uninterested in sex.” (from a Chinese Malaysian husband)

“We’re just too busy, too tired, and have too many responsibilities. By the end of the day there’s just no energy . . . and not much desire!”

“My wife was very responsive before we had children, but now it seems they are more important than I am. We seldom have sex, and when we do we just can’t seem to enjoy it.

Those comments, and many more like them, come from nice, normal people. Yet they are frustrated because of the sexual condition of their marriages. It takes a lot of pressure for anyone to talk about something as personal as sex, so I assume the problem is quite serious when they finally do speak to us.

What happened to the passion? Like dew that evaporates in the heat of the sun, sexual passion disappears under the harsh glare of day-to-day realities and necessities. But unlike the dew, it doesn’t always reappear when the pace slows and the day cools down.

Sex? In the Bible?

The Bible has some very special passages for husbands and wives that have the power to ignite their sexual yearning for each other. Yes, the Bible speaks to us about sex. In fact, the Bible has much to say and says it with beauty and passion. Consider the following verses from Song of Songs and Proverbs:

From Song of Songs, chapter four, verse twelve: “My sweetheart, my bride, is a secret garden, a walled garden, a private spring . . .”

Verse sixteen of the same chapter: “Wake up, North Wind and South Wind, blow on my garden; fill the air with fragrance. Let my lover come to his garden and eat the best of its fruits.”

Chapter five, verse one: “I have entered my garden, my sweetheart, my bride. I am gathering my spices and myrrh; I am eating my honey and honeycomb; I am drinking my wine and milk.”

From Proverbs, chapter five, verses fifteen to eighteen: “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.”

Secret, walled gardens with private springs; fragrances carried from the garden on the winds; spices and myrrh; honey and honeycomb; wine and milk. What does it all mean? It means that the biblical writers had some very fervent, very beautiful things to say about the sexual relationship between husband and wife.

God created both man and woman with the ability to give and receive sexual pleasure. We are designed to arouse and to be aroused. Therefore, our sexual relationship should bring pleasure to both husband and wife. The Creator never intended sex to be a pleasure for one (usually the husband) and a problem, or pain, for the other.

Great sex is a gift from God to every married couple. That may seem strange to you, but only because most of us have such a limited understanding of what makes an activity holy. In our minds holy means religious. Thankfully, sex is not religious. But when enjoyed in the covenant of marriage, it is holy.

Some African cultures practice female genital mutilation, a horrible, barbaric, procedure. I mention it for this reason: the purpose of this mutilation is to make it impossible for a woman to enjoy intercourse. They believe that sexual enjoyment (at least for the woman!) is dangerous and could lead to unfaithfulness. The concept is not based on the teachings of any religion that I am aware of.

Using the same reasoning, why not burn out our taste buds so we don’t overindulge in food? Or perhaps we should blind our eyes so we cannot worship what we see. Or puncture our eardrums so we cannot hear music and fall in love with it.

Do you see? Those physical capacities are God-given. They need regulation, but God designed them to give us pleasure. Food tastes good. The sounds of life inspire us. There is beauty, all around, for the seeing. And, for a married couple, there is sexual enjoyment as a gift from a wonderful, loving God.

Private, Therefore Special

What makes the sexual relationship in marriage so exciting? Notice what Solomon said about his bride. She is his secret garden, his private spring. That is the secret. Sex is private, something so intimate that a marriage covenant must protect it. It is the ultimate intimate experience shared by two lovers in a unique marital relationship. Sex is an expression of commitment, not just an opportunity for excitement.

In marriage man and woman give each other exclusive entry to their secret gardens of sexual desire and fulfillment. They share springs of passion with each other which they will never share with any other person. Our marriage covenant creates walls around our private garden.

The husband and wife unlock their secret gardens, releasing the springs of passion in each other. They are refreshed by each other’s springs. The pleasure is theirs alone, for only they have the keys and the permission to unlock each other’s desires.

Some married people use sex as a reward or withhold it as a punishment. To do that is to abuse something which God designed as a celebration of marital unity. How can we give each other the keys to our private gardens, then, as punishment, refuse each other? How much better to forgive each other and celebrate deep love through sexual intimacy.

It would be great for newlyweds to perform a ceremony of the keys. At some point in the wedding service, or perhaps better, on their first night together as a married couple, they would exchange two small, beautifully fashioned keys, perhaps made from gold or silver.

The keys symbolize that they are giving and receiving entry to a private garden. They would vow to never deny one another entry to that garden. They would agree to treat their sexual relationship with honor, tenderness, and understanding. They would assure one another that the keys they have exchanged are one-of-a-kind, never to be copied.

It is the privacy, the uniqueness of sexual intimacy, that makes it such a powerful expression of love. In sexual love, a husband and wife give each other a gift, a lavish gift, that no one else can give to either of them. Couples who give and receive that gift in a mutually satisfying way will always have a secret glow in their marriage.

Since marital sex is such a wonderful expression of love, why do some couples neglect it? Why do we hear the comments you read at the beginning of this article? The answers are many, and often complex, but here are some common problems:

We forget the great value of our sexual intimacy. Unless we know the value of a thing, we will not make time for it. Studies show that couples who are sexually satisfied tend to have happier marriages in every other way, too.

We are always too tired or too busy. True, you may be too tired to make love some nights, but I have a solution for you. Make an appointment! “Sorry, darling, but I am just too tired. How about an appointment? Same time, same place, tomorrow night.” By doing that you create anticipation, an aphrodisiac that is stronger than anything you can buy in a Chinese medicine shop, and much cheaper than Viagra. All the next day you’ll be thinking about the treat that awaits both of you that evening. It works.

Another solution to tiredness is to simply forget you are tired, at least for a few minutes, and make love anyway. You don’t always have to feel sexually alive to start the process. Wise couples learn that sex can be very fulfilling even in the tired times. You’ll probably sleep better, too.

Like the rest of marriage, developing mutually satisfying sexual love means that a couple adapt and adjust to each other. Sexual gratification is a gift they give and receive. They learn how to do that in each stage of their marriage, but never let the fire die because of neglect or distraction. They are the keepers of the flame.

In the sequel to George Bernard Shaw’s play, Pygmalion, he describes a feeling that many married people will understand:

“She is immensely interested in him. She has even secret, mischievous moments in which she wishes she could get him alone, on a desert island, away from all ties and with nobody else in the world to consider, and just drag him off his pedestal and see him making love like any common man.”

The woman he speaks of is Eliza. The man is a stuffy professor named Higgins. Many husbands and wives want what Eliza secretly wished for. They long for times to forget other roles and responsibilities, if even for a few moments, and just be lovers.

Here’s a true story: a husband and wife climb into bed. The wife snuggles up to her husband, hoping to arouse his interest in making love. But the husband, a workaholic, lays there, hands behind his head, eyes focused on the ceiling, puzzling over some work-related problem. The wife has had it! She pokes him in the ribs to get his attention, then exclaims, “Kick your company out of bed, Mr. Managing Director. It’s just your wife in here!”

Keep the fire alive. Celebrate your intimacy.

An Afterword:

As every marriage counselor will tell you, a couple’s sex life is a concentrated reflection of their entire marriage. Because of that, I could not address all possible sexual problems a couple might have. If you and your spouse have deeper problems than what we have addressed here, get some detailed help by reading a good book on the subject of sexual intimacy or perhaps speaking with a trustworthy counselor.

Think, Act, Pray

1. Are you satisfied with the frequency and variety of your sexual relationship?

2. Complete this statement: “Our sexual relationship would be better if . . .”

3. The Golden Rule for Life is to treat others the way you want to be treated. How could a couple apply that rule to their lovemaking?

 

Your Spouse, Your Friend

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I have a question for you. Did you like each other before you decided to marry each other? Most people do. In other words, they marry a friend. As our son and daughter-in-law’s wedding announcement read: “Today I will marry my friend; the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, and love.” They have had eleven years to test that friendship. Thankfully they are still married, and still best friends.

Friendship develops marital intimacy. Some people think sex does that, but sex is a celebration of intimacy, not the substance of intimacy.

Most couples began their friendship before marriage, but many do not continue it in their marriage. Couples who do not keep their friendship in good shape find their marriages become empty.

It’s like the difference between a living garden and a dead one. When you walk in a beautiful garden your soul feels refreshed. You want to linger. But let that garden die, and you will feel depressed just looking at it. Marriage without friendship is the same.

Consider just a few benefits of a strong marital friendship:

  • Friends experience life together. They never abandon each other or ignore each other.
  • Friends support each other, and both of them are stronger because of that support.
  • Friends value each other. You will only have a few really close, reliable friends in your life. Make sure that you and your spouse value the friendship you have. Let it grow through the years.
  • Friends are safe people in a dangerous world. I hate to see marriages where, when one partner goes through a struggle, the other one becomes another adversary. What a lonely life.
  • Friends are the ones who love us even when we do not like ourselves.
  • Friends laugh and cry. They enjoy talking and listening. They help each other find clearer understanding. They are not harsh, but they are truthful.
  • Friends make time for each other. If you write appointments in your diary to play golf with your buddies, or meet your girlfriends for lunch, why wouldn’t you schedule time for the most important friend you have, your spouse?
  • Friends refresh us. It is not any one thing a friend does that brings refreshing. It is the safety, security, and comfort they give us that refreshes us.
  • Friends refine us. All of us have some mixed motives and confused ideas. A good friend helps us find clarity.

A good friendship is flexible, therefore durable. Friends travel through life together, adapting and adjusting to each other and to the changing seasons of life. Sadly, couples can destroy their friendship, and become rigid and unyielding. Joe and Mary were like that. Though they had been married for more than twenty years, they had no friendship. As I counseled them I tried to get them to agree on just one action, a little step that could begin their journey out of frustration and into marital fulfillment. But every time I would suggest something, one of them would become rigid, like a branch, once living and flexible, but now dry and hard. I could not help them.

On a visit to Northern Ireland I had the privilege of meeting a wonderful old man, James. He and his wife, Sophia, lived in Ghana, Africa, for almost forty years. Sophia died a few years before I met James, but the memory of their lifelong friendship was still there. As he told me of their life together he paused, looked into the distance, and said, simply, “I liked that woman.”

You expected him to say he loved her, didn’t you? He could have, surely. Yet with one profound statement James painted a lifetime of friendship. I could picture them enduring the difficulties of Africa together– laughing, crying, talking, listening– glad to be together whatever happened.

Friendship is the common ground of our marriage relationship. We build it from all the shared joys and sorrows of a lifetime. Friendship mostly develops through the ordinary days and times, not the unusual ones. Companionship lies at the heart of it.

Couples get busy. Life is complicated. Demands are many. That puts great strain on their friendship and without constant care and planning, common ground will disappear. When that happens, one, or both, will be tempted find their friendships elsewhere, and often their intimacy, too. Simply put, without common ground we have nothing in common.

I’ll close with the words of an ancient Arabian proverb:

“A friend is one to whom we can poor out the contents of our hearts, wheat and weeds mixed together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will sift all, keeping the wheat and letting the weeds fall away.”

The Love that Protects

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Behold, love! For that word armies have marched, fortunes have been squandered and perfectly normal men and women have made total fools of themselves, often in front of complete strangers. Preachers preach about it. Singers sing about it in every possible language. It has inspired operas and rock songs, poems and graffiti, little notes and endless novels.

Love has cured people and (some say) killed others. Yet no word confuses us more than love. In marriage the confusion continues. Do we marry for love? Is love important? It is. But only if we understand what it is. Can we develop the kind of intimacy a marriage needs without love? It isn’t likely, for love is the substance of all true intimacy.

To help us understand the link between love and intimacy, I want to give you three different expressions of love to consider. Each is vital to an intimate marriage, as you will see. In this installment we will look at Fence Love.

Intimacy, the special closeness that is only possible in marriage, needs protection, just like your house. That is what fence love gives it. Love as a fence is a love that has nothing to do with attraction, or liking, or sex, or feelings, or even getting anything in return. It is a love expressed by decision and commitment. “That’s not very romantic,” some of my readers might be thinking. Exactly. Romance is important to marriage. But we live in an age that has made romance a god. Romance adds spice to marriage, but only decisive, committed love sustains it. Fence love promises to love, no matter what happens, no matter what changes. Most mportantly, it protects marital intimacy.

Love like this is in rare supply in these days of disposable marriages and temporary commitments. In the United States we have had, for years, something called a pre-nuptial agreement. Couples who choose one of these weird arrangements pre-plan what they will do with their assets if (when?) the marriage fails. Fence love will have nothing to do with such planning. Fence love does not plan for failure. It plans for success.

As I am writing this, my wife and I are staying with a couple we know very well. The man is 87 years old, still healthy and alert. The wife is 65 years old, but has had Parkinson’s disease for more than 10 years. We have watched the way this man loves his wife. Quietly, patiently, he ministers to her needs, at all hours of the day and night. He has never, not once, looked for a way out. When he married her he promised to love her, whatever happened, good or bad. He would tell you that it is God who gives him the daily strength and patience to love his wife. And his wife? Though greatly limited by the disease that she battles, she loves her husband in many, many decisive, practical ways. Even more, she is at rest in his committed love.

Now, contrast that love with another couple we know. They are in their early forties and have several children. The wife is a lovely lady, slim, attractive, and interesting. But this husband, the fool, has another woman on the side. He knows nothing of fence love. His primary motive is his own lust, and that lust has made him a promise breaker. He is robbing his wife and stealing from his mistress.

When I was a boy I remember hearing a cowboy song called, “Don’t Fence Me In.” That could be the theme song for many modern marriages. True love, intimacy-building love, says, “We want a fence around this relationship. Let’s build it with vows and keep it strong through unselfish sacrifice. Let’s promise that nothing, and no one, will ever come between us.”

What about all the couples who have taken such vows and still have unhealthy marriages? Marriage vows do not create some kind of magical force field around a married couple. This isn’t Star Trek we’re talking about. Vows alone can never prevent marital failure because promises mean nothing without actions. A man and woman must live their vows. A favorite song writer of mine, Don Francisco, describes this dedication beautifully and powerfully:

So you say you can’t take it, the price is too high
The feelings have gone; it seems the river’s run dry.
You never imagined it could turn out so rough,
You give and give and give and still it’s never enough.

Your emotions have vanished that once held a thrill.
You wonder if love could be alive in you still.
But that ring on your finger was put there to stay,
And you’ll never forget the word you promised that day.

Jesus didn’t die for you because it was fun.
He hung there for love because it had to be done.
And in spite of the anguish His work was fulfilled,
Because love is not a feeling, It’s an act of your will.

Now I know it isn’t easy when you’re trying to stand,
And Satan’s throwing everything that’s at his command.
But Jesus is faithful, His promise is true,
And whatever He asks He gives the power to do.

Don understood that the power to keep promises comes from God. He has been making promise breakers into promise keepers for centuries.

It is the Christian conviction, based on the Bible, that God’s desire is for one man and one woman to be married for life. Fence love, committed love, protects a marriage and allows intimacy to develop in security. Fence love begins with our marriage vows. We promise to love one another.

Which marriage do you want to have? One that lasts for a lifetime or one that is destroyed by broken promises? Within the protection of promises made and kept, intimacy grows securely and authentically. Will you renew your vows today? Will you remember your promises today? Will you decide to love today? I promise you that fence love, covenant love, will make you a better person and give you a marriage that will last for a lifetime.

Think, Act, Pray

1. In your opinion how important are the marriage vows?

2. Is it possible for a marriage to be satisfying without promises? Why or why not?

Expectations and Limitations

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A common obstacle to restoring intimacy is a lack of agreement about the need for positive change.

Janet is worried because Frank seldom talks to her. She tries to discuss it with him, but he doesn’t see things the same way. He thinks he says all the necessary words, so what’s the problem? This couple might need an honest discussion of their expectations and limitations.

Let’s define some terms. Expectations are the attitudes and actions that we feel entitled to receive within a relationship. They grow out of our upbringing, but also from the ideas we have developed through reading, observing, and dreaming.

Limitations are the hindrances within us that keep us from meeting expectations. Many are temporary and we outgrow them or overcome them in time. Some, however, do not change. For example, no matter what she does my wife will find it hard to walk as fast as I do. She doesn’t have the length of stride I do. If I expect that of her, she will always experience frustration and I will feel disappointed. So we have learned to walk together. I shorten my stride, she quickens her pace a bit, and we have many great walks.

Walking together is a metaphor for life. A wise man of old put it this way: “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3) In our shared marital life we will continually need to adjust our expectations and, as much as possible, overcome our limitations. When we do, we find the agreement that keeps us in step.

Understanding Expectations

Let’s consider some of our expectations and see if we can understand them.

An expectation may be unrealistic. One stern man complains, “I have to deal with difficult people all day long. I never want to come home to a grouchy wife. I want a smile, not a snarl.” One question: Do you come home with a smile? If your wife expected the same of you, could you live up to it? Unrealistic expectations create frustration.

We counseled a couple in Malaysia who were experiencing tremendous tension because the husband had unrealistic expectations about his wife’s cooking. He wanted every meal to be carefully planned and arranged or he just couldn’t be happy. She tried her best to please him, but nothing she did was as good as good old Mom! Worst of all, he could not see that his expectation was unrealistic, or at least would not admit it. So no matter what else they had for dinner, they definitely had tension.

An expectation may be reasonable, but still difficult for the person you have married There’s nothing wrong with a husband wanting to invite a few friends for dinner. That’s reasonable. But his wife may feel extremely insecure as a hostess. That makes it difficult for her to feel very happy about having guests in their home. The solution? She accepts the challenge. He shows he understands her struggles by giving her plenty of advanced notification and offering to help in whatever way he can. She accepts his offer of help and doesn’t act like a martyr. He remembers to thank her and encourage her for her help. As a result, they grow closer together. The wife knows her husband understands, and the husband knows that his wife really wants to please him. Because the dinner went well, her confidence increases. Those are great results.

An expectation may be reasonable, usually, but impossible presently. Abigail likes Joe to call her from work every day, but Joe’s company is churning through their yearly audit. He may want to call, but he can’t. Once the audit is over, he would be happy to call every day and hear her sweet voice for a few minutes. We can avoid many disappointments by explaining unusual pressures and accepting the limitations that come with them.

Suppose a wife wants a more romantic husband (flowers, cards, special dinners, etc.). But the husband does not think of himself as the romantic type. To him, romance is phony. How do they find a solution? By adjusting and stretching. The husband tries a little romance, just because it makes his wife feel so special. That’s stretching. The wife remembers that her husband loves her more than anyone on the earth, even though he finds difficulty showing it in some ways. That’s adjusting her expectations.

Several years ago a woman came to us for counseling. Her husband was a difficult man, and unwilling to change. She had many complaints, and with good reason. But after listening to her for some time, I interrupted the stream of complaints to ask this question: “Have you ever asked God to let you see your husband as He sees him? As the force of that question reached her heart, she became quiet and thoughtful. She realized, I think, that all of her complaining wasn’t really going to change anything. Just the opposite, for nagging never changes anyone for the better.

When we see as God sees, we can pray for God’s healing and restoring power to work deep down inside, in the places in each other that we cant seem to reach. Then, with Gods help, we will develop more realistic expectations, overcome our limitations, and walk together in intimacy.

Think, Act, Pray

“Both my husband and I work full-time jobs. I come home before he does, picking up my children at the babysitter on the way. When my husband comes home he will not do anything to help with the children. I expect him to help! After all, he’s the father. He expects to just sit down and do nothing while I rush around preparing dinner and trying to pay attention to the children. This is really making me angry!”

1. Keeping in mind expectations and limitations, what would help this couple?

“My wife thinks that she must tell me every detail about her day. That wouldn’t be so bad except that she expects me to do the same about my day. When I won’t tell her enough, she gets moody for the rest of the evening.”

2. What expectations do this husband and wife have?

3. What limitations do you think they each might have?

4. What could they each do to adjust their expectations and stretch their limitations?

5. All of us have expectations and limitations. Can you see some places in your marriage where your expectations and limitations clash? Try talking about those today.

6. Ask God to show you your spouse through his eyes. Write down at least one fresh insight you have about your husband or wife this week. Pray positively for your spouse everyday.