A Marriage Masterpiece

by Mike Constantine

What color would you use to describe passion? Walk through the romance section at any bookstore. You’ll find yourself surrounded by shades of purple and red. Each cover advertises the passions waiting for you on its pages. They use a lot of silky legs and bared male torsos, too.

Publishers know their customers well. Many people hunger for sexual passion. Some read such books to prime what little passion they have, or to replace a passion lost or never experienced.

Red and purple have their place, but in marriage, that palette is far too limited. Marital passion does include sex, but only as a part of a much broader picture.

If I were painting a marriage, I would use many colors to express passion. Bright yellows for those glorious days that glow with life. Shades of green to show the growth and life that passion brings. I would even add some browns and greys – colors that represent the usual days with their down-to-earth duties and quiet endurance, a background showcasing life in all its hues.

And, I think I would need a little black, too. Black, like the darkness that surrounds us when a loved one is ill. Black, like the despondency that chokes us when life is unfair. Black, like the fear we feel when we must make a major decision, but have no idea what to do.

One master painter, Ver Meer, had a genius for the use of white. Combined with his amazing perception of light, his whites gave his paintings luminance, as though they had some hidden source for their radiance. Yes, I would add white to my marriage painting, to represent the hidden radiance that lights up all healthy marriages and makes them shine. You have seen it, and when you see it you wish for it.

In marriage, passion is far more than romance and sex. Passion is a deep, abiding desire to experience a lasting, satisfying, edifying marriage. That’s why you need so many colors to portray it. Passion is much more than emotion. Popular culture never separates the two. In that fantasy world, passion equals emotion. In real life, passion can motivate us even when our emotions feel flat.

The core for this kind of passion – the force that keeps it throbbing in a marriage, comes from a combination of commitment and determination. I love to see that in couples. I know that with those qualities, and some patience and forbearance, they will paint a mural of great and subtle beauty.

Sadly, some marriages seem to lack color. It’s as though the couple never learned how to make all the moments, with all their hues, part of their painting. They exist. But do they live?

I watched a man of eighty-eight, still healthy, caring for his wife, who has Parkinson’s Disease. They are all out of red and purple. They know that the time for those colors has passed. But how they paint! In kind words and thoughtful actions, I watch them love each other. Even black days have points of light where their love shines through.

In marriage, we paint by moments on a canvas of days. Our brushes are actions and words. Our colors are attitudes. Stroke by stroke, dot by dot, the painting grows. Each husband, each wife, adds to the canvas. And each canvas can become a masterpiece.

This is the last article in the Growing a Great Marriage Series. You may want to return to the English Home page to see what other materials are available.

Marriage and Sex- The Private Garden

by Mike Constantine

This is the third in a series that I call The Three Loves. In the first we discussed Fence Love, a love that protects marital intimacy. In the second we talked about friendship in marriage. In this article we will think about sexual love in marriage.

For married couples, sex can be either great or a great challenge. Take a moment to read some actual comments we have received from husbands and wives who have attended our seminars:

“We’ve been married only a year and my husband hasn’t touched me in months! I want his affection; I want to make love to the man I married.” (from a Chinese Malaysian wife)

“Asian Women! They are so cold and uninterested in sex.” (from a Chinese Malaysian husband)

“We’re just too busy, too tired, and have too many responsibilities. By the end of the day there’s just no energy . . . and not much desire!”

“My wife was very responsive before we had children, but now it seems they are more important than I am. We seldom have sex, and when we do we just can’t seem to enjoy it.

Those comments, and many more like them, come from nice, normal people. Yet they are frustrated because of the sexual condition of their marriages. It takes a lot of pressure for anyone to talk about something as personal as sex, so I assume the problem is quite serious when they finally do speak to us.

What happened to the passion? Like dew that evaporates in the heat of the sun, sexual passion disappears under the harsh glare of day-to-day realities and necessities. But unlike the dew, it doesn’t always reappear when the pace slows and the day cools down.

Sex? In the Bible?

The Bible has some very special passages for husbands and wives that have the power to ignite their sexual yearning for each other. Yes, the Bible speaks to us about sex. In fact, the Bible has much to say and says it with beauty and passion. Consider the following verses from Song of Songs and Proverbs:

From Song of Songs, chapter four, verse twelve: “My sweetheart, my bride, is a secret garden, a walled garden, a private spring . . .”

Verse sixteen of the same chapter: “Wake up, North Wind and South Wind, blow on my garden; fill the air with fragrance. Let my lover come to his garden and eat the best of its fruits.”

Chapter five, verse one: “I have entered my garden, my sweetheart, my bride. I am gathering my spices and myrrh; I am eating my honey and honeycomb; I am drinking my wine and milk.”

From Proverbs, chapter five, verses fifteen to eighteen: “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.”

Secret, walled gardens with private springs; fragrances carried from the garden on the winds; spices and myrrh; honey and honeycomb; wine and milk. What does it all mean? It means that the biblical writers had some very fervent, very beautiful things to say about the sexual relationship between husband and wife.

God created both man and woman with the ability to give and receive sexual pleasure. We are designed to arouse and to be aroused. Therefore, our sexual relationship should bring pleasure to both husband and wife. The Creator never intended sex to be a pleasure for one (usually the husband) and a problem, or pain, for the other.

Great sex is a gift from God to every married couple. That may seem strange to you, but only because most of us have such a limited understanding of what makes an activity holy. In our minds holy means religious. Thankfully, sex is not religious. But when enjoyed in the covenant of marriage, it is holy.

Some African cultures practice female genital mutilation, a horrible, barbaric, procedure. I mention it for this reason: the purpose of this mutilation is to make it impossible for a woman to enjoy intercourse. They believe that sexual enjoyment (at least for the woman!) is dangerous and could lead to unfaithfulness. The concept is not based on the teachings of any religion that I am aware of.

Using the same reasoning, why not burn out our taste buds so we don’t overindulge in food? Or perhaps we should blind our eyes so we cannot worship what we see. Or puncture our eardrums so we cannot hear music and fall in love with it.

Do you see? Those physical capacities are God-given. They need regulation, but God designed them to give us pleasure. Food tastes good. The sounds of life inspire us. There is beauty, all around, for the seeing. And, for a married couple, there is sexual enjoyment as a gift from a wonderful, loving God.

Private, Therefore Special

What makes the sexual relationship in marriage so exciting? Notice what Solomon said about his bride. She is his secret garden, his private spring. That is the secret. Sex is private, something so intimate that a marriage covenant must protect it. It is the ultimate intimate experience shared by two lovers in a unique marital relationship. Sex is an expression of commitment, not just an opportunity for excitement.

In marriage man and woman give each other exclusive entry to their secret gardens of sexual desire and fulfillment. They share springs of passion with each other which they will never share with any other person. Our marriage covenant creates walls around our private garden.

The husband and wife unlock their secret gardens, releasing the springs of passion in each other. They are refreshed by each other’s springs. The pleasure is theirs alone, for only they have the keys and the permission to unlock each other’s desires.

Some married people use sex as a reward or withhold it as a punishment. To do that is to abuse something which God designed as a celebration of marital unity. How can we give each other the keys to our private gardens, then, as punishment, refuse each other? How much better to forgive each other and celebrate deep love through sexual intimacy.

It would be great for newlyweds to perform a ceremony of the keys. At some point in the wedding service, or perhaps better, on their first night together as a married couple, they would exchange two small, beautifully fashioned keys, perhaps made from gold or silver.

The keys symbolize that they are giving and receiving entry to a private garden. They would vow to never deny one another entry to that garden. They would agree to treat their sexual relationship with honor, tenderness, and understanding. They would assure one another that the keys they have exchanged are one-of-a-kind, never to be copied.

It is the privacy, the uniqueness of sexual intimacy, that makes it such a powerful expression of love. In sexual love, a husband and wife give each other a gift, a lavish gift, that no one else can give to either of them. Couples who give and receive that gift in a mutually satisfying way will always have a secret glow in their marriage.

Since marital sex is such a wonderful expression of love, why do some couples neglect it? Why do we hear the comments you read at the beginning of this article? The answers are many, and often complex, but here are some common problems:

We forget the great value of our sexual intimacy. Unless we know the value of a thing, we will not make time for it. Studies show that couples who are sexually satisfied tend to have happier marriages in every other way, too.

We are always too tired or too busy. True, you may be too tired to make love some nights, but I have a solution for you. Make an appointment! “Sorry, darling, but I am just too tired. How about an appointment? Same time, same place, tomorrow night.” By doing that you create anticipation, an aphrodisiac that is stronger than anything you can buy in a Chinese medicine shop, and much cheaper than Viagra. All the next day you’ll be thinking about the treat that awaits both of you that evening. It works.

Another solution to tiredness is to simply forget you are tired, at least for a few minutes, and make love anyway. You don’t always have to feel sexually alive to start the process. Wise couples learn that sex can be very fulfilling even in the tired times. You’ll probably sleep better, too.

Like the rest of marriage, developing mutually satisfying sexual love means that a couple adapt and adjust to each other. Sexual gratification is a gift they give and receive. They learn how to do that in each stage of their marriage, but never let the fire die because of neglect or distraction. They are the keepers of the flame.

In the sequel to George Bernard Shaw’s play, Pygmalion, he describes a feeling that many married people will understand:

“She is immensely interested in him. She has even secret, mischievous moments in which she wishes she could get him alone, on a desert island, away from all ties and with nobody else in the world to consider, and just drag him off his pedestal and see him making love like any common man.”

The woman he speaks of is Eliza. The man is a stuffy professor named Higgins. Many husbands and wives want what Eliza secretly wished for. They long for times to forget other roles and responsibilities, if even for a few moments, and just be lovers.

Here’s a true story: a husband and wife climb into bed. The wife snuggles up to her husband, hoping to arouse his interest in making love. But the husband, a workaholic, lays there, hands behind his head, eyes focused on the ceiling, puzzling over some work-related problem. The wife has had it! She pokes him in the ribs to get his attention, then exclaims, “Kick your company out of bed, Mr. Managing Director. It’s just your wife in here!”

Keep the fire alive. Celebrate your intimacy.

An Afterword:

As every marriage counselor will tell you, a couple’s sex life is a concentrated reflection of their entire marriage. Because of that, I could not address all possible sexual problems a couple might have. If you and your spouse have deeper problems than what we have addressed here, get some detailed help by reading a good book on the subject of sexual intimacy or perhaps speaking with a trustworthy counselor.

Think, Act, Pray

1. Are you satisfied with the frequency and variety of your sexual relationship?

2. Complete this statement: “Our sexual relationship would be better if . . .”

3. The Golden Rule for Life is to treat others the way you want to be treated. How could a couple apply that rule to their lovemaking?

The Three Loves

by Mike Constantine

Behold the word love! For that word armies have marched, fortunes have been squandered, and perfectly normal men and women have made total fools of themselves, often in front of complete strangers.

Preachers preach about it. Singers sing about it in every possible language, and with every possible rhythm. It has inspired operas and rock songs, poems and graffiti, little notes and long novels.

Love has cured people and, some would say, killed others! Love composes the theme of thousands of movies and television shows. Yet much of our acting and singing, writing (and even some preaching) comes from confused and disappointed hearts.

In marriage the confusion continues. Do we marry for love? Is love important?

Fiddler on the Roof is a superb musical about a man of tradition and the pressures that threaten his traditions. In one scene Tevye, the husband, asks his wife, Golda, “Do you love me?”

Now, they have been married for twenty-five years, and this is the first time the subject has come up. Their marriage was arranged by their parents. But after some thought, they discovered that they really did love each other. Love was alive, though the word was never spoken.

Can we develop the kind of intimacy a marriage needs without love? It isn’t likely, for love is the substance of all true intimacy.

To help us understand the link between love and intimacy, consider three different expressions of love. As you will see, each is vital to an intimate marriage.

The Fence

Marriage is a relationship with a unique potential for intimacy. It is the only relationship referred to as “one flesh” in the Bible. (See Genesis 2:24) However, intimacy needs protection, and that is what this love provides. As a fence, love has nothing to do with attraction, or liking, or sex, or feelings, or even getting anything in return. It is a love of decision and commitment.

“That’s not very romantic,” you might be thinking. Exactly. Romance has its place, and a great place it is. However, couples don’t sustain their marriages, exclusively, by romance. Love as a fence promises to love, no matter what happens, no matter what changes. Such love protects intimacy.

Love like this is in rare supply in these days of disposable marriages and temporary commitments. In the United States we have had, for years, something called a prenuptial agreement. Couples who choose one of these weird arrangements preplan what they will do with their assets if (when?) the marriage fails. Fence love will have nothing to do with such plans for failure.

When I was a boy I remember hearing a cowboy song called, “Don’t Fence Me In.” It was a cry for life without boundaries or commitments. That could be the theme song for many modern marriages. True love, intimacy-building love, says, “We want a fence around this relationship. Let’s build it with vows and keep it strong through unselfish sacrifice. Let’s promise that nothing, and no one, will ever come between us.”

What about all the couples who have taken such vows and still have unhealthy marriages? Marriage vows do not create some kind of magical force field around a married couple. This isn’t Star Trek we’re talking about. Vows alone can never prevent marital failure because promises mean nothing without actions. A man and woman must live their vows. A favorite song writer of mine, Don Francisco, describes this dedication beautifully and powerfully:

So you say you can’t take it,
the price is too high.
The feelings have gone,
it seems the river’s run dry.
You never imagined
it could turn out so rough.
You give and give and give
and still it’s never enough.

Your emotions have vanished
that once held a thrill.
You wonder if love
could be alive in you still.
But that ring on your finger
was put there to stay.
And you’ll never forget
the word you promised that day.

Jesus didn’t die for you
because it was fun.
He hung there for love
because it had to be done.
And in spite of the anguish
His work was fulfilled.
Because love is not a feeling.
It’s an act of your will.

Now I know it isn’t easy
when you’re trying to stand.
And Satan’s throwing everything
that’s at his command.
But Jesus is faithful,
His promise is true,
And whatever He asks
He gives the power to do.

(Love Is Not a Feeling, by Don Francisco
Used by permission of Brentwood Publishers.)

Don understood that the power to keep promises comes from God. He has been making promise breakers into promise keepers for centuries.

Within the protection of promises, intimacy grows securely and authentically, and a husband and wife feel safe.

The Friendship

A question. Did you like each other before you decided to marry each other? Most people do. In other words, they marry a friend. As our son and daughter-in-law’s wedding announcement read:

“Today I will marry my friend; the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, and love.”

Friendship develops intimacy. Most couples began their friendship before marriage. The question is, will you continue to develop it within your marriage? Couples who do not maintain a healthy friendship find their marriages become empty.

It’s like the difference between a living garden and a dead one. When you walk in a living garden your soul feels refreshed. Let that garden die, and walking through it will depress you. Marriage without continued friendship is the same. On a visit to Northern Ireland I had the privilege of meeting an old saint, James. He and his wife, Sophia, had served God in Africa for almost forty years. Sophia had died some years before I met James. As he told me of their life together he paused, looked into the distance, and said, simply, “I liked that woman.”

You expected him to say he loved her, didn’t you? He could have, surely. Yet with one profound statement James painted a lifetime of friendship. I could picture them enduring the difficulties of Africa together– laughing, crying, talking, listening– glad to be together whatever happened.

Friendship is the common ground of our marriage relationship. We build it from all the shared joys and sorrows of a lifetime. Friendship develops mostly in the ordinary days and times, not the unusual ones. Companionship lies at the heart of it.

Couples get busy. Life is complicated. Demands are many. That puts great strain on their friendship and without constant care and planning, common ground will disappear. When that happens, one, or both, will be tempted find their friendships elsewhere, and often their intimacy, too.

The Fire

At the very center of an intimate marriage, protected by covenant love and enriched by friendship, there lives an expression of love so intense, so involving, that we only safely experience it within the protection of a covenant. When a husband and wife give themselves to one another in mutual, satisfying sexual surrender, they celebratetheir intimacy. We will devote a whole section to this important topic later in our series. For now, let’s just remind ourselves of some significant truths:

God created both man and woman with the ability to give and receive sexual pleasure. We are designed to arouse and to be aroused. Therefore, our sexual relationship should bring pleasure to both husband and wife. The Creator never intended sex to be a pleasure for one (usually the husband) and a problem, or pain, for the other. It is His will that it be a shared joy.

Giving sexual fulfillment to our spouse is both a delight and a duty. A delight, because making love with our spouse stirs us, touches us, and releases us in ways that nothing else can or does. A duty, because we sometimes need to make love when we do not feel like making love. We need both understandings to develop a healthy sexual relationship. (See Song of Solomon for delight, and I Corinthians 7 for duty.)

In the sequel to George Bernard Shaw’s play, Pygmalion, he describes a feeling that many married people will understand:

“She is immensely interested in him. She has even secret, mischievous moments in which she wishes she could get him alone, on a desert island, away from all ties and with nobody else in the world to consider, and just drag him off his pedestal and see him making love like any common man.”

The woman he speaks of is Eliza. The man is a stuffy, pompous professor named Henry Higgins. Many husbands and wives want what Eliza secretly wished for. They long for times to forget other roles and responsibilities, if even for a few moments, and just be lovers.

Here’s a true story. A husband and wife climb into bed. The wife snuggles up to her husband, hoping to arouse his interest in making love. But the husband, a workaholic, lays there, hands behind his head, eyes focused on the ceiling, puzzling over some work-related problem.

The wife has had it! She pokes him in the ribs to get his attention, then exclaims, “Kick your company out of bed, Mr. CEO. It’s just your wife in here!”

Keep the fire alive! Celebrate your intimacy.

Three expressions of love– a fence for protection, a friendship for development, and a fire for celebration. God is the author of them all. Ask him to make you a lover, in all three ways. If you do, intimacy will thrive.

But What About Now?

If you are taking this course, you are not yet married. Since you are not yet married, it is not good for you to be sexually involved with each other. Sexual involvement means any touching kissing, or fondling of breasts, buttocks, or private parts, whether leading to intercourse or not. All of that must be saved for marriage, regardless of what the movies, songs, TV shows, and your own hormones tell you.

By restraining yourselves sexually during courtship and engagement, you develop self-control and sexual trust. You will need those qualities in your marriage.

___ We are NOT involved in sexual activites.

___ We are involved in sexual activities.

___ We will stop all involvement in sexual activities until our wedding night, and help each other overcome sexual temptation.