Spiritual Intimacy

by Mike Constantine

The Power Core

All your life as a couple will be influenced by the vitality and centrality of your spiritual life. Because of that, your relationship with God should be more than a compartment of your marriage, like one room in your house. Your relationship with God should be the core of your lives and the core of your marriage.

It’s like the nucleus of an atom. The nucleus keeps the particles that surround it in their proper orbits. Without it, there is no atom. Likewise, our connection with God holds the facets of our lives together in proper balance. Then every part of our marriage will show the transforming power and influence of our relationship with God through Christ Jesus.

But we must choose, for having our relationship with God at the center of our life and our marriage doesn’t happen automatically.

Three Possible Cores

Imagine three men wearing t-shirts. The first man is wearing a bright red t-shirt with one word in large letters on the front. It says, ME. The second man is wearing a beige t-shirt with the word, THEM. The third man is wearing a white t-shirt with the word, GOD.

For the first man the central question of life is “What will please me?” When we live only to answer that question, when it is the prime motivator of our life, we become self-centered. You can see what damage that orientation could have in a marriage. Self-centered people know little about love. They will sacrifice true unity to get what they want. They are takers, not givers. With this orientation marriage becomes a battle of wits, with each partner trying to out-maneuver the other.

For the second man, the central question of life becomes “What will please them?” Pleasing others can be a noble impulse for our actions, but as the prime motivator of our life it is really no better than the first question. Motivated by this question we become people who would sacrifice our convictions and our relationships just to ensure acceptance by “them,” whoever “them” might be. It is dangerous for you, and for your marriage.

Now let’s look at the third man. For him the central question of life is, “What will please God?” When that becomes our central question, and we live to answer it, our lives develop focus and peace. God created each of us to live lives that answer that question through our attitudes, actions, and relationships. That is our destiny. And we only experience true fulfillment when we know our true destiny.

Leo Tolstoy, the renowned Russian author, had come to such a place of desperation in his life that the thought of suicide plagued him. Tolstoy was prosperous, learned, a member of a privileged class, yet he could find no real reason for his existence. To the question, “What is the meaning of life?” he had no satisfying answer. He lived in that unsettled condition until he was in his fifties. Then, after years of searching, he found meaning and a reason for his life in Christ.

Can We Really Know What Pleases God?

You might think, “How can we know what would please God? He’s way up there, and we are just tiny humans.” Good news! God has provided all that we need to live a life that pleases him.

He sent Jesus to die for us, raised him from death, and made him King of everything, forever. When we believe in Jesus we become new persons. If we allow it, the power of that newness works its way into every segment of our lives, transforming our attitudes, actions, and relationships . . . our whole outlook.

We have other resources, too. God puts His Spirit in us to enable us to live a life that pleases Him, blesses others, and brings us a level of fulfillment that we can have in no other way. He has given us the Bible, a handbook for living a life that pleases God. And He connects us with other believers so that we build each other up and help each other along.

With the right question at the core of our lives, and with the wonderful resources that God has given us, we can live lives that please God no matter what circumstances we are in. Our marriages will be healthier and we will be happier. Even more, others will experience the benefits, for when we pursue God’s Kingdom the effect reaches our children, our friends and neighbors, our colleagues, and our churches.

Will you, right now, make pleasing God the central motivation of your life? And will you, as a couple, make the same decision? You may both be believers in Jesus, but perhaps you have locked him in a room of your relationship. You don’t allow him to influence all of your marriage. Give him the place of influence only he deserves. Make Jesus your nucleus. You will see the dramatic difference in your lives and your marriage.

The apostle Paul had much to say about pleasing God. I have arranged some of his statements together, for the purpose of impact, in the following paragraph:

“And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will accept. When you think of what he has done for you, is this too much to ask? Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is. Our aim is to please him always, whether we are here in this body or away from this body. He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live to please themselves. Instead, they will live to please Christ, who died and was raised for them. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful desires will harvest the consequences of decay and death. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. Try to find out what is pleasing to the Lord. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and you will continually do good, kind things for others. All the while, you will learn to know God better and better. For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases him.

Caring for the Core

The spiritual core of our lives and marriages needs care and development. How do we do that? How do we strengthen our desire to please God? The answer is through practicing spiritual disciplines. Now, please! Don’t let that word scare you. I am not suggesting legalism. As Dallas Willard says, disciplines are simply the things we do to make it possible to achieve a goal.

Every valuable accomplishment results from disciplines. If you ever won an important race, you won because you trained. If you got good exam results, you got them because you studied. If you play an instrument well enough that others want to hear you, it’s because you practiced. Farmers practice disciplines to get a good yield from their seed. And every battle is won because the soldiers trained for victory.

Our goal is to have a strong relationship with God, through Christ, at the core of our lives and our marriage. Spiritual disciplines help keep the desire to please God strong in us. People who practice them find that thinking, acting, and speaking in a way that pleases God becomes their custom.

Foundational Spiritual Exercises

Personal Prayer and Supportive Prayer

Have some personal time with God every day.
Pray together if you can, but if you cannot, at least pray for one another.
Use Scriptures to pray for each other, asking God’s blessing on your husband or wife in every area of his or her life.
Pray for health as well as healing, constant freedom from past hurts, ongoing development of spiritual gifts and God-given abilities, and growth in wisdom.
Pray with thanksgiving and pray believing God will make a difference.
When you make decisions, especially big ones, agree to pray about it for a set time. God will help you know what is best.

Practice God’s Presence

Remember that Jesus said, “I am with you always.” You are, everyday of your life, surrounded by God’s presence. Sometimes you are more aware of His presence, but he is always near. Turn your thoughts to him frequently throughout the day.

Study and Meditate in the Word of God

God’s Word will renew our minds and help us understand God’s will. It will nourish us like good food nourishes our bodies. It will cleanse our minds, help us to live for what is really important, and equip us for involvement in God’s work. As Paul said, “Let the words of Christ, in all their richness, live in your hearts and make you wise. Use his words to teach and counsel each other. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts.” (Colossians 3:16, New Living Translation)

Be a Part of a Loving, Biblically Sound Local Church

As a couple you will need time with other couples who are living for God’s glory. A loving, biblically sound local church provides just the right environment for you to grow as a couple.

It also gives you a place to discover the special ways God wants to use you. Every man and woman bring their own gifts and talents to the marriage relationship. In marriage God blends our gifts and talents, but we maintain our individuality.

With the right core and with a mutual determination to care for that core, you and your spouse will become all God wants you to be. You will bless many others, and your life will shine with Christ’s light. That’s a promise!

Marriage and Sex- The Private Garden

by Mike Constantine

This is the third in a series that I call The Three Loves. In the first we discussed Fence Love, a love that protects marital intimacy. In the second we talked about friendship in marriage. In this article we will think about sexual love in marriage.

For married couples, sex can be either great or a great challenge. Take a moment to read some actual comments we have received from husbands and wives who have attended our seminars:

“We’ve been married only a year and my husband hasn’t touched me in months! I want his affection; I want to make love to the man I married.” (from a Chinese Malaysian wife)

“Asian Women! They are so cold and uninterested in sex.” (from a Chinese Malaysian husband)

“We’re just too busy, too tired, and have too many responsibilities. By the end of the day there’s just no energy . . . and not much desire!”

“My wife was very responsive before we had children, but now it seems they are more important than I am. We seldom have sex, and when we do we just can’t seem to enjoy it.

Those comments, and many more like them, come from nice, normal people. Yet they are frustrated because of the sexual condition of their marriages. It takes a lot of pressure for anyone to talk about something as personal as sex, so I assume the problem is quite serious when they finally do speak to us.

What happened to the passion? Like dew that evaporates in the heat of the sun, sexual passion disappears under the harsh glare of day-to-day realities and necessities. But unlike the dew, it doesn’t always reappear when the pace slows and the day cools down.

Sex? In the Bible?

The Bible has some very special passages for husbands and wives that have the power to ignite their sexual yearning for each other. Yes, the Bible speaks to us about sex. In fact, the Bible has much to say and says it with beauty and passion. Consider the following verses from Song of Songs and Proverbs:

From Song of Songs, chapter four, verse twelve: “My sweetheart, my bride, is a secret garden, a walled garden, a private spring . . .”

Verse sixteen of the same chapter: “Wake up, North Wind and South Wind, blow on my garden; fill the air with fragrance. Let my lover come to his garden and eat the best of its fruits.”

Chapter five, verse one: “I have entered my garden, my sweetheart, my bride. I am gathering my spices and myrrh; I am eating my honey and honeycomb; I am drinking my wine and milk.”

From Proverbs, chapter five, verses fifteen to eighteen: “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.”

Secret, walled gardens with private springs; fragrances carried from the garden on the winds; spices and myrrh; honey and honeycomb; wine and milk. What does it all mean? It means that the biblical writers had some very fervent, very beautiful things to say about the sexual relationship between husband and wife.

God created both man and woman with the ability to give and receive sexual pleasure. We are designed to arouse and to be aroused. Therefore, our sexual relationship should bring pleasure to both husband and wife. The Creator never intended sex to be a pleasure for one (usually the husband) and a problem, or pain, for the other.

Great sex is a gift from God to every married couple. That may seem strange to you, but only because most of us have such a limited understanding of what makes an activity holy. In our minds holy means religious. Thankfully, sex is not religious. But when enjoyed in the covenant of marriage, it is holy.

Some African cultures practice female genital mutilation, a horrible, barbaric, procedure. I mention it for this reason: the purpose of this mutilation is to make it impossible for a woman to enjoy intercourse. They believe that sexual enjoyment (at least for the woman!) is dangerous and could lead to unfaithfulness. The concept is not based on the teachings of any religion that I am aware of.

Using the same reasoning, why not burn out our taste buds so we don’t overindulge in food? Or perhaps we should blind our eyes so we cannot worship what we see. Or puncture our eardrums so we cannot hear music and fall in love with it.

Do you see? Those physical capacities are God-given. They need regulation, but God designed them to give us pleasure. Food tastes good. The sounds of life inspire us. There is beauty, all around, for the seeing. And, for a married couple, there is sexual enjoyment as a gift from a wonderful, loving God.

Private, Therefore Special

What makes the sexual relationship in marriage so exciting? Notice what Solomon said about his bride. She is his secret garden, his private spring. That is the secret. Sex is private, something so intimate that a marriage covenant must protect it. It is the ultimate intimate experience shared by two lovers in a unique marital relationship. Sex is an expression of commitment, not just an opportunity for excitement.

In marriage man and woman give each other exclusive entry to their secret gardens of sexual desire and fulfillment. They share springs of passion with each other which they will never share with any other person. Our marriage covenant creates walls around our private garden.

The husband and wife unlock their secret gardens, releasing the springs of passion in each other. They are refreshed by each other’s springs. The pleasure is theirs alone, for only they have the keys and the permission to unlock each other’s desires.

Some married people use sex as a reward or withhold it as a punishment. To do that is to abuse something which God designed as a celebration of marital unity. How can we give each other the keys to our private gardens, then, as punishment, refuse each other? How much better to forgive each other and celebrate deep love through sexual intimacy.

It would be great for newlyweds to perform a ceremony of the keys. At some point in the wedding service, or perhaps better, on their first night together as a married couple, they would exchange two small, beautifully fashioned keys, perhaps made from gold or silver.

The keys symbolize that they are giving and receiving entry to a private garden. They would vow to never deny one another entry to that garden. They would agree to treat their sexual relationship with honor, tenderness, and understanding. They would assure one another that the keys they have exchanged are one-of-a-kind, never to be copied.

It is the privacy, the uniqueness of sexual intimacy, that makes it such a powerful expression of love. In sexual love, a husband and wife give each other a gift, a lavish gift, that no one else can give to either of them. Couples who give and receive that gift in a mutually satisfying way will always have a secret glow in their marriage.

Since marital sex is such a wonderful expression of love, why do some couples neglect it? Why do we hear the comments you read at the beginning of this article? The answers are many, and often complex, but here are some common problems:

We forget the great value of our sexual intimacy. Unless we know the value of a thing, we will not make time for it. Studies show that couples who are sexually satisfied tend to have happier marriages in every other way, too.

We are always too tired or too busy. True, you may be too tired to make love some nights, but I have a solution for you. Make an appointment! “Sorry, darling, but I am just too tired. How about an appointment? Same time, same place, tomorrow night.” By doing that you create anticipation, an aphrodisiac that is stronger than anything you can buy in a Chinese medicine shop, and much cheaper than Viagra. All the next day you’ll be thinking about the treat that awaits both of you that evening. It works.

Another solution to tiredness is to simply forget you are tired, at least for a few minutes, and make love anyway. You don’t always have to feel sexually alive to start the process. Wise couples learn that sex can be very fulfilling even in the tired times. You’ll probably sleep better, too.

Like the rest of marriage, developing mutually satisfying sexual love means that a couple adapt and adjust to each other. Sexual gratification is a gift they give and receive. They learn how to do that in each stage of their marriage, but never let the fire die because of neglect or distraction. They are the keepers of the flame.

In the sequel to George Bernard Shaw’s play, Pygmalion, he describes a feeling that many married people will understand:

“She is immensely interested in him. She has even secret, mischievous moments in which she wishes she could get him alone, on a desert island, away from all ties and with nobody else in the world to consider, and just drag him off his pedestal and see him making love like any common man.”

The woman he speaks of is Eliza. The man is a stuffy professor named Higgins. Many husbands and wives want what Eliza secretly wished for. They long for times to forget other roles and responsibilities, if even for a few moments, and just be lovers.

Here’s a true story: a husband and wife climb into bed. The wife snuggles up to her husband, hoping to arouse his interest in making love. But the husband, a workaholic, lays there, hands behind his head, eyes focused on the ceiling, puzzling over some work-related problem. The wife has had it! She pokes him in the ribs to get his attention, then exclaims, “Kick your company out of bed, Mr. Managing Director. It’s just your wife in here!”

Keep the fire alive. Celebrate your intimacy.

An Afterword:

As every marriage counselor will tell you, a couple’s sex life is a concentrated reflection of their entire marriage. Because of that, I could not address all possible sexual problems a couple might have. If you and your spouse have deeper problems than what we have addressed here, get some detailed help by reading a good book on the subject of sexual intimacy or perhaps speaking with a trustworthy counselor.

Think, Act, Pray

1. Are you satisfied with the frequency and variety of your sexual relationship?

2. Complete this statement: “Our sexual relationship would be better if . . .”

3. The Golden Rule for Life is to treat others the way you want to be treated. How could a couple apply that rule to their lovemaking?

Intimacy Lost

by Mike Constantine

Robert and Freda met at university. Eventually they decided they had what it takes to make a good marriage. Everyone who knew them thought so too, so after graduation they married.

Love began dying during their first year of marriage, but they hardly noticed it. Like many couples, they allowed their careers (both were lawyers) to consume their lives, leaving little time for each other.

Strangely, their courtship years had been just as busy, maybe more. Love flourished, even in a typhoon of exams and research papers. In those days their relationship gave them relief from the stresses of school work. Now their marriage had become just one more drain on their time and energy.

It didn’t help when Freda, feeling lonely, developed a close friendship with her young, male piano teacher. The friendship was apparently innocent, but potentially dangerous. There was a certain excitement and tenderness that she missed with her husband. And laughter! Freda enjoyed the bright humor of her piano teacher. Definitely dangerous, especially for a woman in Freda’s situation.

When someone told Robert about the friendship, he ordered Freda to stop her piano lessons and never see the teacher again. Of course he was within his rights, but he didn’t address the deeper, underlying issue. He should have asked Freda why she felt she needed that friendship. He didn’t. Instead, he became indignant and self-righteous, acting wounded.

Robert did another thing. He stopped trusting Freda. He became more controlling, less understanding, and more distant. When trust died, so did intimacy. Somehow they managed to have three children, but their marriage deteriorated. Talk became trivial; avoidance became commonplace

Covering Up the Emptiness

How does a couple maintain a marriage in such circumstances? It seems impossible, yet many couples do. They stay together because of pressures from family or society. They stay together through fear of what others would think if they divorce. They stay together because of the children, or to avoid losing face.

But they don’t stay together because they love, honor, value, and enjoy each another. Love is lost, and with it all joy. These couples maintain their marriage the same way doctors maintain a terminally ill patient. They sustain life, but do not, or cannot, heal the disease.

It’s snowing as I write this section. Snow is beautiful and has the wonderful ability to cover the ugliest things, making them look clean and white. A pile of rubbish can look pure and pristine when enough snow falls on it. Unfortunately the camouflage has a short life. Snow melts. When it does, the rubbish pile is still there, still dirty and still ugly.

Some couples have tried for years to cover up the rubbish in their relationships and their lives. But covering doesn’t mean removing. To get rid of it, you have to admit the problem exists and find a good, godly way to address it.

Why do we sidestep the issues that are hurting our marriages? Often it is because we don’t think we can find solutions. Or, if we find a solution, we are afraid won’t have what it takes to carry it out. Sometimes we don’t face the problems because we don’t want to admit that we, personally, need to change our attitudes and actions. Positive change has a price, true, but it is so worth whatever it costs us personally.

Lacking any other encouraging alternative, we try to find fulfillment by staying busy. We involve ourselves in activities that we hope will fill the emptiness. All that activity dulls our minds like a narcotic, but it doesn’t feed our souls.

We feed our soul, the inner person, through intimate friendships with our spouses, our children, our companions, and most of all, our God. Without intimacy, we experience increasing emptiness.

Have you experienced a loss of intimacy? If so, just one question: Will you try to recover it? If you do, both you and your spouse will become stronger, healthier people, experiencing the healing, restoring benefits of true intimacy.

The Three Ds

Remember that restoring intimacy takes work, like all rewarding endeavors. I am not much of a gardener, but when I see a beautiful garden I know three things:

The gardener desires that garden, for desire is the beginning point of all beauty.
The gardener has a design for that garden. Beautiful gardens begin with a concept. How do we want this garden to look? What kind of fruits and flowers do we want to enjoy? Desire without design is nothing but an empty dream, a fantasy without hope of reality.
The gardener has great determination. Near our house lives a man with a lovely garden. The trees and flowers are arranged in such a manner that they invite you to linger and refresh your soul for a few moments. It is not surprising, therefore, to see that man working in his garden. He may not always love the work, but he surely loves the results. You will, too！

It is my hope that these words from Calvin Coolidge will become your words, too:

” We are beginning to comprehend more definitely, what course should be pursued, what remedies ought to be applied, what actions should be taken for our deliverance, and are clearly manifesting a determined will faithfully and conscientiously to adopt these methods of relief.”

Think, Act, Pray

1. How many different causes can you find for Robert and Freda losing intimacy?

2. What would have helped Robert and Freda renew their intimacy?

3. If you see a loss of intimacy in your marriage, what are you doing that is contributing to the loss?

4. What is keeping you from beginning to restore intimacy in your marriage?

5.If you did restore intimacy, what positive results would you see?

6. Take some time to evaluate your desire, design, and determination.

Understanding Intimacy

by Mike Constantine

Have you ever met a couple whose marriage seemed to glow, even in the common, everyday times? Intimacy creates that glow. It is the warm core of every successful marriage.

But Martin and Janice (not their real names) are not that couple. Married more than 15 years, yet constantly drifting apart. Now it looks like their marriage might end. The reason? Lost intimacy.

Sadly, many couples have lost their intimacy. Some never even had any intimacy to lose. Instead of a warm glow, they experience a constant chill. And, like cold people everywhere, they cover up to protect themselves.

In a survey of married couples, family therapist Stuart Johnson emphasized the importance of intimacy to a successful marriage. He found that all the happily married couples he surveyed had developed healthy intimacy in four vital areas:

Verbal intimacy: talking together and understanding each other
Action intimacy: doing things together that you both enjoy
Problem-solving intimacy: finding wise, workable solutions to common challenges
Sexual intimacy: sexual love that stimulates and satisfies both of you

As a follower of Jesus, I would add another vital expression of intimacy to those four

Spiritual intimacy: a unified love for God and desire to please Him in every way.

All married couples experience intimacy differently, depending on their personality, lifestyle, stage of life, and even their culture. But you will find most of those qualities in every satisfying marriage.

If intimacy can do so much for a marriage, why do so many couples fail to experience it? That is a big topic, but here is the short answer: couples do not experience intimacy because intimacy is neither easy nor automatic.

Intimacy is a challenge, something that takes time, attention, and flexibility. But today many couples are just too overwhelmed to give their marriage the time it needs, and too insecure to change. The problem is not new. In fact, it is as old as the human race. Look at the story of Adam and Eve.

Here is a synopsis of the story: God created man and woman in perfect innocence. He made them to live together as one flesh — a condition unique to marriage and the closest possible expression of human intimacy. Although they were naked, absolutely uncovered to each other, they felt no shame and no need to hide. Sounds perfect, doesn’t it? It was. But not for long.

According to the story, God wanted genuine people, not programmable robots. So He created that first couple with the capacity to make choices, whether good or bad. There was one tree, just one, that was off limits.

Did you ever tell a child that there was one thing he may not touch, then leave the room? He cannot stand it! He just has to touch the untouchable. It was the same for Mr and Mrs Adam.

The moment Adam and Eve tasted that forbidden fruit, they felt an emotion they had never before known. That emotion was shame. It made them want to cover themselves, to hide from one another and even from God.

Can you see the difference? Before they ate, intimacy was automatic. They had no reason to hide and nothing to fear. After they ate it, shame came, and with it suspicion and separation. What once came easily, without a worry or a question, now became so difficult it must have seemed impossible.

No one knows the intimate details of Adam and Eve’s relationship. We don’t know how they talked, or laughed, or made love. But we can easily see that the forbidden fruit brought great changes to every part of their marriage.

Try to imagine feeling shame for the first time. It isn’t easy, for we have never known the pristine innocence of that first man and woman. To some extent we all live in hiding, fearful to let anyone know us completely.

People are starving for true intimacy. But there are forces in us that frustrate our attempts to nurture it. That is the human condition. Too often what we want and need, we fear and resist. In fact, in our hearts we fear, and often expect, rejection. Psychologist Paul Gilbert describes shame as “… an extreme form of the fear of the loss of approval.”

Shame leads to suspicion. We find it hard to trust and constantly wonder what others really think of us. And, since shame and suspicion tend to cause isolation, we find ourselves withdrawing from each other, becoming separated. Yet at the same time we long for intimate connections that will nurture us.

Shame, suspicion, and separation. These three obstacles to intimacy form the basis of our fears in any relationship, whether with God, friends, or spouses. Now perhaps we understand why intimacy is so difficult to develop and maintain.

Like children playing hide and seek, but not sure if we really want to come out from our hiding places, we are afraid to reveal ourselves.

That brings me to your marriage. Marriage is meant to be a relationship that is so secure, and so healing, that both partners become better and healthier because of it.

In other words, marriage is supposed to be a secure relationship that makes both partners better people.

Think, Act, Pray

1. Early in your marriage, which type of intimacy was easiest for you and your spouse?

2. Which type of intimacy has been the most difficult for you to develop and sustain?

3. Think about some of the ways you have seen the effects of shame, suspicion and separation in your marriage. What are some ways those three conditions frustrate intimacy in your marriage?

Marriage by the Book

by Mike Constantine

Ideas bombard us like a monsoon rain. Unless you live in a cave and wear a tin foil hat, you cannot get away from them. We need a standard for comparison, a final authority. For many people that is the Bible. So let’s take a few moments to understand a biblical model for marriage. Some of the principles that follow are directly stated in the Bible; others are deductions I make from my understanding of the Bible. But when you put them together they paint a beautiful and appealing picture of what a marriage can really be.

Marriage is Designed by God. This is the Principle of Origin. You can find it stated in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

Taking this biblical idea as stated, marriage is much more than a sociological necessity that has developed through an evolutionary process. Marriage was instituted by God when He created the first man and woman.

The verse I mentioned talks about leaving your father and mother. Does that worry you? I can tell you this: it does not mean that you have to abandon your parents or ignore them. The Asian idea of filial devotion and honour is not replaced by the Bible. It is upheld by the Bible.

Marriage is Designed for Covenant Intimacy. That is the Principle of Connection. One rather graphic reference to that is in Genesis 2:25, “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”

The nakedness described in these words is much more than a prelude to sex. It describes a marriage that is so secure that the man and woman could be completely uncovered without embarrassment or fear.

In other words, they experienced covenant intimacy. They could trust each other so much that they could be completely uncovered. For Adam and Eve that was easy because they had never sinned. For us it is not easy, because we have sinned and received wounds from other people’s sins.

We all enter marriage with the hope of developing the same intimacy they experienced automatically. It is a struggle, but it is attainable and worth the effort.

No matter how may stories you’ve heard or broken marriages you have seen, you can develop a marriage that makes both of you glad you have it, all the time. So don’t give up. Grow together instead of growing apart.

Marriage is Designed to Make Both Partners Better People. That is the Principle of Development. One place the Bible speaks about that is in I Thessalonians 5:11 “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

You probably know some married couples who have become bitter, not better because of their marriages. It does not have to be that way. We really can build one another up. This does not mean that you marry a construction project. Never do that! It does mean that you can both become better people because of your marriage, not in spite of your marriage.

Healthy marriages build healthy people who are more likely to fulfill their God-given purpose. As the Bible says, in Proverbs 27:17, New Living Translation, “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.”

Marriage is Designed for Joy! That is the Principle of Cheerfulness. For a detailed discussions of that, see this article: You Can Have a Delightful Marriage.

Proverbs 15:15, in the Message Translation of the Bible, expresses that joy as it applies to human relationships- “A miserable heart means a miserable life; a cheerful heart fills the day with song.”

Every marriage will face challenges, but in good marriages couples develop a deep joy that is part appreciation, part affection, and part commitment. That joy is like a deep spring that is always with them, sometimes in quiet contentment, sometimes in laughter. When marriage is joyful, men and women do not look elsewhere for exhilaration. They find it in their life-long covenant relationship, their marriage. When they have children the kids can catch the joy their parents’ experience.

Marriage is designed to have a positive effect on the world. That is The Principle of Influence. Look at the words of Jesus in Matthew 5:14-16, “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”

Some marriages spread darkness. They are like an evil fog that chills everyone around them. Who would want that? God’s design is to fill two people with his light and truth (they always go together) and make that marriage like a lighthouse on a dark and dangerous coast. Do you think that is just poetic language? Not at all. Our marriage has been spreading light for over 50 years.

Marriage is designed to last a lifetime. That is the Principle of Permanence. Here are the words of Christ from Matthew 19:6, “And He said, ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’” Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.

In virtually all developed and developing countries, divorce is on the rise. It has become so common that some authors feel the need to make it seem like a reasonable decision without any painful consequences.

We know couples who have divorced, yet even when it seemed that there was no other route open to them, it still introduced pain into their lives that lingers till now. As Margaret Atwood said, “A divorce is like an amputation; you survive, but there’s less of you.”

Now, this is not the place to discuss whether divorce is right or wrong. It is the time for you to decide that you will marry for life. If you plan for lifelong success and keep to that plan, you’ll have a lasting marriage. But if you keep the idea of divorce as an option, that may undermine your efforts to succeed.

Marriage is designed for child-bearing. That is the Principle of Reproduction. Here is just one biblical expression of that idea from Psalm 127:3, “Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a real blessing.”

It is God’s intention that children grow up in a secure family with a mom and a dad. That means that you will want to develop the areas of your life that will make you a good parent.

To be truthful, I did not want to be a dad. The idea scared me. But even though I could not see myself as a father, my wife did. She knew I would make a great dad. I do not know if I have been a great dad, but by God’s grace I have loved my two sons all of their lives.

Some couples find they cannot have children for medical reasons. If conditions exist that might make having children impossible, remember that there are thousands of children who need parents who will adopt them and love them.

For some people, adoption seems to be a thing to avoid, not a thing to embrace. But adoption is very near the heart of God, who calls us to love the outcast and the unwanted. Personally, I would love to know that you and your spouse had taken an unwanted child into your heart, as God takes us into His heart.

As you think about the points I have just shared with you, keep in mind that nearly all of them are vigorously opposed by contemporary ideas and cultural concepts.

Throughout your life– in your single years, your courtship, and your marriage– you will have to decide which ideas will rule your life. I highly recommend the Bible and its Author as the source of ideas that will never disappoint you.