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Expectations and Limitations

by Mike Constantine

A common obstacle to restoring intimacy is a lack of agreement about the need for positive change.

Janet is worried because Frank seldom talks to her. She tries to discuss it with him, but he doesn’t see things the same way. He thinks he says all the necessary words, so what’s the problem? This couple might need an honest discussion of their expectations and limitations.

Let’s define some terms. Expectations are the attitudes and actions that we feel entitled to receive within a relationship. They grow out of our upbringing, but also from the ideas we have developed through reading, observing, and dreaming.

Limitations are the hindrances within us that keep us from meeting expectations. Many are temporary and we outgrow them or overcome them in time. Some, however, do not change. For example, no matter what she does my wife will find it hard to walk as fast as I do. She doesn’t have the length of stride I do. If I expect that of her, she will always experience frustration and I will feel disappointed. So we have learned to walk together. I shorten my stride, she quickens her pace a bit, and we have many great walks.

Walking together is a metaphor for life. A wise man of old put it this way: “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3) In our shared marital life we will continually need to adjust our expectations and, as much as possible, overcome our limitations. When we do, we find the agreement that keeps us in step.

Understanding Expectations

Let’s consider some of our expectations and see if we can understand them.

An expectation may be unrealistic. One stern man complains, “I have to deal with difficult people all day long. I never want to come home to a grouchy wife. I want a smile, not a snarl.” One question: Do you come home with a smile? If your wife expected the same of you, could you live up to it? Unrealistic expectations create frustration.

We counseled a couple in Malaysia who were experiencing tremendous tension because the husband had unrealistic expectations about his wife’s cooking. He wanted every meal to be carefully planned and arranged or he just couldn’t be happy. She tried her best to please him, but nothing she did was as good as good old Mom! Worst of all, he could not see that his expectation was unrealistic, or at least would not admit it. So no matter what else they had for dinner, they definitely had tension.

An expectation may be reasonable, but still difficult for the person you have married There’s nothing wrong with a husband wanting to invite a few friends for dinner. That’s reasonable. But his wife may feel extremely insecure as a hostess. That makes it difficult for her to feel very happy about having guests in their home. The solution? She accepts the challenge. He shows he understands her struggles by giving her plenty of advanced notification and offering to help in whatever way he can. She accepts his offer of help and doesn’t act like a martyr. He remembers to thank her and encourage her for her help. As a result, they grow closer together. The wife knows her husband understands, and the husband knows that his wife really wants to please him. Because the dinner went well, her confidence increases. Those are great results.

An expectation may be reasonable, usually, but impossible presently. Abigail likes Joe to call her from work every day, but Joe’s company is churning through their yearly audit. He may want to call, but he can’t. Once the audit is over, he would be happy to call every day and hear her sweet voice for a few minutes. We can avoid many disappointments by explaining unusual pressures and accepting the limitations that come with them.

Suppose a wife wants a more romantic husband (flowers, cards, special dinners, etc.). But the husband does not think of himself as the romantic type. To him, romance is phony. How do they find a solution? By adjusting and stretching. The husband tries a little romance, just because it makes his wife feel so special. That’s stretching. The wife remembers that her husband loves her more than anyone on the earth, even though he finds difficulty showing it in some ways. That’s adjusting her expectations.

Several years ago a woman came to us for counseling. Her husband was a difficult man, and unwilling to change. She had many complaints, and with good reason. But after listening to her for some time, I interrupted the stream of complaints to ask this question: “Have you ever asked God to let you see your husband as He sees him? As the force of that question reached her heart, she became quiet and thoughtful. She realized, I think, that all of her complaining wasn’t really going to change anything. Just the opposite, for nagging never changes anyone for the better.

When we see as God sees, we can pray for God’s healing and restoring power to work deep down inside, in the places in each other that we cant seem to reach. Then, with Gods help, we will develop more realistic expectations, overcome our limitations, and walk together in intimacy.

Think, Act, Pray

“Both my husband and I work full-time jobs. I come home before he does, picking up my children at the babysitter on the way. When my husband comes home he will not do anything to help with the children. I expect him to help! After all, he’s the father. He expects to just sit down and do nothing while I rush around preparing dinner and trying to pay attention to the children. This is really making me angry!”

1. Keeping in mind expectations and limitations, what would help this couple?

“My wife thinks that she must tell me every detail about her day. That wouldn’t be so bad except that she expects me to do the same about my day. When I won’t tell her enough, she gets moody for the rest of the evening.”

2. What expectations do this husband and wife have?

3. What limitations do you think they each might have?

4. What could they each do to adjust their expectations and stretch their limitations?

5. All of us have expectations and limitations. Can you see some places in your marriage where your expectations and limitations clash? Try talking about those today.

6. Ask God to show you your spouse through his eyes. Write down at least one fresh insight you have about your husband or wife this week. Pray positively for your spouse everyday.

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: expectations, hinder, limitations, realistic, reasonable

积极的惩罚,一

by Mike Constantine

警告难以管教的孩子

不守规矩一词用于形容违反规则或无视规则的那些人。它是指有意违抗的 行为。不守规矩的人会去做错事,即使他明白什么事情是对的,什么事 情是错的。这样的行为需要明确、易懂、强硬的警告,一旦孩子无视警告,应该采取适当行为。

许多美国人喜欢滑雪。成千上万不同年龄层的人涌到山顶,然后滑行、竞 赛,或者有时冲下斜坡。不幸地是,每年都有人严重受伤,甚至死于滑 雪事故。

渡假胜地会建立或标出某些区域作为禁区,因为他们知道这些地方存在滑 雪者们看不见的危险。他们还设有滑雪巡逻,以防有失控滑雪者。一位 巡逻员告诉我通常有两种原因会导致事故:滑雪失去控制和滑入禁区。

这里有我们要学习的教训。家长们因为同样的原因设立了规矩。虽然我们 清楚就算是设立了规矩,孩子们还是会受伤,因为那些隐藏的危险,设 定的规矩之外的、孩子们无法理解的危险。

父母必须教会孩子们知道遵守设定规则和限度的重要性。要想他们能够遵 守,我们设定的规矩就必须公平、一致,并与孩子的年龄相符。公平, 因为不公平的规矩会让孩子心生怨恨。一致,因为只有前后一致的规矩才能打造坚强的性格。与年龄相符,对5岁孩子有用的规矩不见得对他12岁的姐姐也有用, 所以只有合适的规矩才可能让孩子们遵守。

几年前,一位灰心的母亲写信给一个报纸建议专栏,寻求帮助。她的女 儿,一个5岁的小女孩,让周围的人都叫苦连天。这位母亲想知道以女儿 的年纪是否能够遵守纪律。“做点什么,”专栏评论员回答道,“你已经浪费了你的孩子生命中 最重要的5年。”没有人希望重复同样的错误,对不对?

在我们的讨论会上也听到过同样的理论。父母觉得不能管教自己的孩子, 教师和教堂负责孩子的人员也有同样的反应。

“不”的力量

一旦孩子们理解了“不”的 含义,生命中的教育就开始了。他们会学习到什么叫限制:哪些是不能 碰的东西,不能去的地方,不能说的话。

许多父母都不敢说“不”, 但是在说的时候却加以强调。有人说在一天的紧张工作之后,父母们已 经没有了否定孩子任何要求的情绪。这短短的一个字:“不”,很难说出口。然而,孩子未来的成功就全靠它了。

不守规矩的孩子的生活中没有规矩。他们给父母、自己以及其他人带来烦 恼和麻烦。难道有人喜欢和不听话的孩子们在一起吗?通常他们会长成 自私的成年人,继续以他们不受约束的生活方式折磨他人。他们违反交通规则;违反商业规则;违反家庭规则。事出有因。多么危险!

《圣经》中记载了一个故事,非常伤感的故事:一个人毁掉了自己的生 活,因为没人警告过他他的自私,任性的行为所会带来的后果。这个人叫 做亚多尼亚,是位王子,他拥有特权,但最终结果悲惨。以下是关于他的一段:

“那时,亚多尼亚自尊,说, 我必作王,就 为自己预备车辆,马兵,又派五十人在他 前头奔走。(他父亲素来没有使他忧闷,说,你是作什么呢?他甚俊美,生在押沙龙之后。)” (《列王纪》上 1:5,6,NIV)

亚多尼亚拥有一切资源,本可以成功,但是最以失败告终。为什么?没有 人干预过他。没有人质问过他的动机、他的选择、他的骄傲、或者他的 行为。他的父亲大卫王从没有干预过。也许他只是国事繁忙,没有时间去阻止儿子的毁灭;又或者也许他不想让这个小家伙不高兴,拒绝他的愿望可能谁伤害他的自 尊。

他的母亲呢?《圣经》中没有多少关于她的篇幅。也许,象某些母亲一 样,宠着儿子,相信他的未来就是自己的未来。就象C.S.刘易斯曾经 说过的,母亲永远觉得应该更爱儿子。但是押沙龙的母亲爱儿子的方式也许不对,她应该是犯了个巨大的错误。

就算拥有所有的先天优势,亚多尼亚还是成为了父母疏忽大意的牺牲品。 为什么?因为他的父母重视他的要求多过于纪律。你可以读《圣经》中 的完整故事,故事结局让人心碎。亚多尼亚给他的国家、父母、朋友和自己制造了无穷的麻烦。他死去时还很年轻。由于自我,他死在盛年时期。

只有当孩子们还年幼稚嫩时就干涉他们的任性行为,他们才能长成有责任 感的成年人。有一句老马来西亚谚语说:“如果 你想塑造树的形状,那么在它是小树苗时就应开始行动。”或者,就象《圣经》里所说,“教孩子应该如何生活,他将 永记于心。” (《箴言篇》 22:6, TEV)。

我们要怎么管教任性的孩子?警告他们!约束他们的任性行为。一旦他无 视你的警告,应该使用适当的惩罚来强调你的警告。适当的惩罚依孩子 的年龄、性格和个人发展情况而异。有时一句严厉的话语便足够,但有时可能需要更多。

SC PP- Positive Discipline part 1

Filed Under: SC, SC-PP Tagged With: discipline, limitations

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