Forgiveness – What It Is and What It Is Not

by Mike Constantine

In my last article on forgiveness I stressed that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. I hope you took that to heart and put it into practice. If you did you are probably seeing the results already.

Now let’s look at some common misconceptions about forgiveness.

Forgiveness and Liking

Forgiveness doesn’t mean we have to like the person. After all, some people are not likable.

Shirley has a husband who treats her, on most days, like a dog, and on all days like a servant. Never has this man told her he loves her. Never does he value her, appreciate her, or encourage her. In public he talks of their marriage enthusiastically, but that talk is only for the audience. Shirley’s husband has insulted her, rejected her . . . even beat her.

Because of her peculiar circumstances, leaving home isn’t possible. Neither can she throw him out. So Shirley works through her anger, her hurt, and her outrage. She forgives her husband, but she doesn’t like him. How could she?

Amazingly, and with God’s help, she does love him, even though this man treats his wife as though he is her enemy. She would love him as a friend and even as a lover, if only her husband would let her. Unfortunately he is too proud and too broken to get the help that would change him. Shirley cannot like her husband, but she can still forgive him.

Forgiveness and Forgetting

What does it mean to forgive and forget? It means you no longer allow the offence to affect your life and relationship negatively. As an example, think about Paul’s words in Philippians, chapter three. In the first few verses of the chapter, he recalls, in detail, his life before Christ apprehended him and saved him. Then, in verse thirteen, he gives us his strategy for dealing with the offences of his past:

“ . . . forgetting the past and straining forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize, for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven.” (Philippians 3:13, Today’s Living Bible)

Paul remembered his past life as a persecutor, and no doubt some of those memories still brought pain. Yet he also said that he forgot his past. We might say that because of the forgiveness Paul experienced, he could remember redemptively. He remembered, but he remembered as a man forgiven, not a man condemned. When we forgive or are forgiven, memories may remain, but the memories can have a positive effect on our present experience and our future expectations.

Wrongs and Sins

The Bible, in its characteristically honest way, recounts a very dark moment in King David’s life. David, king of Israel, sees Bathsheba, the wife of a loyal general, bathing. Her husband is away at war, so David invites her over for dinner. But it isn’t food David hungers for that night.

Things happen. In time, Bathsheba discovers she is pregnant. David, fearing the consequences, invites Uriah, Bathsheba’s husband, to take a break from battle and come home. He’s thinking that Uriah and his wife will do what comes naturally, and Uriah will think he is the father of the unborn child.

Uriah is much too honorable for something like that. At David’s order He does come home, but he refuses to sleep with his wife. He feels that a good general could never give himself such pleasure when his men are risking their lives in heated battle. An upstanding man, worthy of a long and distinguished life.

David still has the problem of how to handle his adultery. So David, king of Israel, writer of many Psalms, arranges to have Uriah- fine, honest Uriah- murdered. I don’t know where you could find a more terrible crime.

David thinks that ends the matter. But one day Nathan the prophet visits. Nathan tells David that God knows the whole affair and will judge him. During this awful period of his life, David writes one of his most penetrating poems, Psalm 51. Notice these words from the fourth verse of that psalm: “Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.”

David had committed horrible wrongs against Bathsheba and Uriah. Perhaps David asked Bathsheba to forgive him, but we don’t know. He could not have asked Uriah, because Uriah had died in the ambush David arranged. What we do know is that David, with a broken heart, pleaded with God for forgiveness because he had sinned against Him.

Here is the important issue: Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that person does not have to go to God for forgiveness. We forgive the wrongs done to us. Only God can forgive the sin.

If you have hurt your husband or wife, you can ask forgiveness for the hurt, but you still need forgiveness from God for the sin. Take both steps and healing will begin.

Forgiveness and Trust

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we have to trust the person. Why? Because you cannot trust someone who is not trustworthy.

I sent my car to a mechanic. He did some work, but also broke some things. His bad workmanship cost me hundreds of dollars. I have forgiven him for that, but it would be crazy for me to trust him with my car again.
If the mechanic called me and apologized; if he admitted that he did not really know what he was doing; if he told me he would like to make it good; then I could trust him again.

In American movies you sometimes hear this warning: “Watch your back!” It means that there is danger all around and you must not let down your guard. Ask Shirley if she trusts her husband and she will tell you she does not– at least not in the important matters. But still she forgives him and loves him as much as she can, and maybe as much as he will allow her.

Consider what Paul wrote to his dear friend Timothy: “Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm. The Lord will repay him for what he has done. You too should be on your guard against him, because he strongly opposed our message.” (II Timothy 4:14-15, NIV)

We may never know whether Paul had forgiven Alexander, but if he practiced what he preached, he did. Yet he knew that Alexander could not be trusted, so he warned Timothy to watch his back.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

This could be the most difficult aspect of forgiveness to understand. We automatically assume that when we forgive, we reconcile. But that is not always possible. Some people are stubborn. They would rather stay separated, nursing their hurts. We reach out and ask them to forgive us, extending an open hand. They cross their arms, turn, and walk away. We want to reconcile, but they do not.

Paul addresses this issue in Romans, chapter twelve: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18, NIV)

Shirley repeatedly forgives her husband. But he never responds as she would hope. When the offender doesn’t give us grounds for reconciliation, we can still forgive even though the offender does not respond positively. We are extending an open invitation of restoration even though they do not respond.

Forgiveness and Privileges

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we automatically restore all privileges that were forfeited through the offence. Suppose a woman’s husband is unfaithful to her. Wanting to do the Christian thing, she goes to her pastor for counsel. The pastor, a compassionate man, though perhaps too legalistic, tells her to forgive her husband. So far so good. Then she asks, “Does that mean I have to share my body with him, although he is still going to bed with the other woman?” The pastor, thinking he is doing the right thing, tells her she must allow her husband to have sex with her.

Many of us would disagree with that counsel. We would encourage this lady to forgive her husband, but to also insist on his faithfulness. He doesn’t get her sexual pleasures until hers are the only ones he gets. In this day of rampant, sexually transmitted diseases, there is even more reason to follow that path.

Real Offenses or Imaginary

If we find ourselves constantly forgiving, we may be too easily offended, too touchy. You might be hypersensitive at certain times. If you are stretched tight, like a violin string, it doesn’t take much to get a squeal out of you. In times like that we need understanding, patience, and maybe a little extra help from our husband or wife. We can also find out what we can do to lessen the pressure, if possible.

“Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (I Corinthians 13:5, NIV) In every way, love is the opposite of selfishness.

Revenge or Forgiveness

Revenge is never the best choice, because revenge is not redemptive. “My husband just invited forty-five friends of his for a party!” the young wife living next door moaned. “I could kill him!” I don’t blame her for thinking about it, and I doubt a jury of women would convict her if she did.

I don’t think her husband needs to worry about waking up dead some morning, but there are more subtle forms of revenge. She could embarrass him in front of his friends, maybe burn the burgers and cremate the hot dogs. She could withhold sexual pleasures. She could go on a spending spree and put it all on his charge card. And she could justify her revenge by saying, “He deserves it!”

If she is wise, our young friend won’t try to get even. Getting even does not help. Ever. Revenge can backfire. In Nigeria they have a saying: “You do me, I do you!” That describes the problem perfectly. Both parties try to make the last strike, the ultimate blow, and only injure each other more.

Accepting Forgiveness from God

We see much fuzzy, pseudo spiritual thinking these days. Some writers like to make a case for forgiving yourself. It’s good for you, they say. I would agree to a point. The problem is that they do not acknowledge God. I know that without God’s forgiveness, and the forgiveness of the offended party, I cannot experience freedom in my soul. I also know that I can beat myself up for a long time, even when my God and my friend have forgiven me.

Forgiving yourself means that you put the offensive, embarrassing behavior behind you. You can’t do that until you know God has forgiven you. Even so, to keep bashing yourself does not please God any more than your sin does. Let it go.

Life is a challenge. In our attempt to cope and to relate, we all cause pain and we all get hurt. Jesus gave us the key to healing in these words, “Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. Stop criticizing others, or it will all come back on you. If you forgive others, you will be forgiven.” (Luke 6:37, New Living Translation)

Forgive! It’s best for you, best for the offender, and best for your marriage. Forgiveness may not fix everything, but it’s the best preparation for further repair.

Forgiveness Leads to Restoration

Although forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to like, trust, reconcile, or restore, forgiveness opens the door to trusting, liking, reconciling, and restoring. If we truly forgive, we will be open to all positive possibilities.

Dallas Willard, noted professor of philosophy at the University of Southern California, says that all of us live with each other on the basis of mutual mercy. He is right. All of us make many mistakes. If we did not forgive we would live in a constant state of alienation and anger.

Jesus tells us that we must forgive because God has forgiven us. Why not do your part to become a more forgiving person?

You Can Build a Durable Marriage

by Mike Constantine

Have you ever put the words “durable” and “marriage” in the same sentence? Probably not. Durability is a word we use with mechanical things, like cars. They have to be durable to stand up to years of mechanical stress. Besides, it costs so much to replace one if it breaks down. The cost of a broken marriage is greater. Much greater. It touches our children, our friends, and often other people as well. You cannot measure the damage in money lost, only in the pain and despair that follows a marital breakdown. For that reason we really need durable marriages.

Strong marriages are always the result of the sustained efforts of determined people. Yes, a mediocre marriage can continue for many years, but what is it worth? We need toughness to build truly successful relationships. Love is romance and flowers, yes. But it’s more.

I am really worried about Jane and Sean. They are planning to get married, but Jane has a problem. She lacks emotional strength. If she were a rose, her petals would drop five minutes after they bloomed. If she were a goldfish, she would be belly up when the water temperature changed by even a degree. You need a lot more strength than that to make a lasting enjoyable marriage. You need toughness.

What is toughness, and why does every marriage need it and require it? The dictionary defines tough as . . . strong and durable; capable of great endurance; sturdy; hardy. Men and women who have those characteristics build the best marriages, because marriage is much more than romantic emotions or good intentions. A healthy, lasting marriage requires tough, determined, endurance.

Not all strength is what it seems. How often have you heard someone described as a strong person, only to find, when you meet this person, that he or she is really inflexible, demanding, and manipulative? That’s not a strong person; that’s a person hiding weaknesses and fears under a hard shell.

Just one dictionary entry above the word tough, you will find its emotional opposite, touchy. Touchy people are easily offended. The smallest irritation, imagined or real, can cause a hurricane.

Diane and I once did a survey on anger with some couples in Singapore. Nothing scientific, just a simple question or two. One lady described herself as a ticking bomb. Quite a statement, isn it? She’s ready to explode at any moment. With a wife like that her husband would always be on edge, never knowing when the explosion will occur. Definitely a touchy situation.

I learned something about toughness the first time my family and I went to live in another country. Culture shock begins with the jolt you feel when you step off the plane in a new land. Then it builds gradually. As it intensifies, you can become irritable, defensive, and hard to live with. That was my experience in Africa. Everything, and everyone, irritated me. Finally one of our colleagues had as much of my negativity as she could take. “Toughen up, Mike!” she admonished me. “Quit criticizing and complaining so much. We’re not trying to make life difficult for you. In fact, the people here love you. Why don’t you relax a little and let them?” She was right. I did need to toughen up.

Not one of us is perfect. We are all sinners whom God is turning into saints. In many ways, we are works in progress. As much as I want my wife to enjoy being married to me, I know there are times (hopefully few) when she has to endure me. For that reason, I am glad I married a tough lady. She’s not hard, thank God, but she does have staying power.

One evidence of God’s presence in our lives is longsuffering, patience, or endurance. (See Galatians 5:22.) Longsuffering is an old, picturesque word that means exactly what it says: to put up with something longer than you think you should have to.

So God’s Spirit, gives us endurance when and where we need it. When our marriage passes through a difficult time, God is there to help us endure. Have you ever notice that the glasses at restaurants don’t seem to break as easily as the ones you have at home? I know why. If you look at the bottom of some of those commercial glasses, you’ll see the word tempered or durable. Those glasses have been treated with a special process that makes them less brittle.

Isn’t it great to know that God, who is working in our lives to make us complete lovers, can do the same thing with us? He makes us durable by tempering us. Are you durable? If not, ask God to help you develop true strength and endurance. Stop gritting your teeth, acting like some hero in an adventure movie. Rest in God, and let your relationship with him give you the staying power and durability your marriage needs.

Think, Act, Pray

Consider these pairs of words:

Flexible	Brittle
Hardy	Touchy
Resilient	Listless
Durable	Weak
Enduring	Temporary
Forgiving	Easily Offended

Do more of the words on the left or words on the right describe you? Which list describes your spouse? The more of the words on the left that describe you, your spouse, and your marriage, the tougher you, your spouse, and your marriage are.

Find some examples of endurance in the Bible. Can you think of any Bible characters who felt like giving up? What sustained them?

Is There Hope for a Broken Marriage?

by Mike Constantine

Marriages can die for many reasons. Usually it is not one thing, but a combination that brings a marriage to the point of death. The bottom line is this: marriages die when promise keepers become promise breakers.

The Power of Promises

Someone has observed that life becomes much more restful if we keep our covenant promises. Marriage is a covenant based on mutual promises of lifelong faithfulness. Our covenant promises are like a fence we build around our marriage. The fence defines our boundaries, keeps us safe, simplifies our lives, and focuses our affection.

But what if we don’t keep our promises? Then, of course, the relationship becomes shaky. Husband and wife feel like two house painters standing on a plank, supported by wobbly ladders. They experience constant tension and unsteadiness. Even worse, broken promises often lead to the total collapse of a marriage.

Broken marriages always create broken people. Always. Spouses suffer. Children suffer. Even the extended family suffers.

Betrayed trust resembles a bad wound. It hurts, it is deep, and it takes some time to heal. Even with complete healing, some sensitivity may remain. For that reason, it’s better not to betray a trust at all. For the more intimate the relationship, the more potential for broken trust to cause deep, lasting hurt.

Broken trust leads to some very unpleasant consequences:

We may lose our openness. Unfaithfulness hurts us so we withdraw and close up. Over the years we develop layer upon layer of defensiveness, like an oyster producing a pearl. The result? Two people, hard as marbles toward one another.
We may plot retaliation. Wounded by unfaithfulness, we plot revenge. Revenge can take many forms. We stop cooperating, communicating, or caring, just to get back at our husband or wife. In some marriages both husband and wife have been disappointed so often that the marriage has become a war. Such wars have no winners.
We may look for a substitute. Susan, married ten years, had been deeply hurt by her husband’s sexual unfaithfulness. She couldn’t trust him, but she wanted someone she could trust. Susan became vulnerable to another man’s empty promises. As you might imagine, she was hurt even more deeply.
We may develop insecurity. Trust is the foundation of every healthy marriage. When that foundation crumbles, so does our confidence. Without trust, with insecurity, intimacy becomes impossible.
We may experience depression. Why do so many people sit in darkened pubs drinking the hours away, listen to sad songs about broken love? Many are the depressed victims of unfaithfulness. Unfaithfulness hurts everyone: both spouses, the children, and the third party.

You may remember spondere, the Latin word that gave us the English word spouse A spouse is a responsible promise keeper. One other word comes from that same root:despondent. It describes a person without promise or hope. We all know friends who married with great hopes for a happy, stable, secure future. Then their hopes turned to despondency when their spouses broke their promises.

Perhaps those consequences of broken trust describe your marriage. If so, can you restore trust and renew intimacy? You can, but it takes work and patience. Deeper betrayals require longer recovery time. Restoring trust is never easy, but thank God, it is possible. For those who believe in Jesus there is hope for every broken marriage . . . if both parties will do their part to heal the break.

Understanding Restoration

As you think about how to heal a broken marriage, keep these qualities in mind. Each of them is important to successful restoration.

All Restoration Begins With Honesty

We must honestly accept our responsibility for breaking our promises and betraying our partner’s trust.

Serena and Jason had a good enough marriage, or so it seemed to everyone who knew them. It was a shock, therefore, when they came to talk to us about a serious breach of trust. Serena was having an affair.

As we talked with them, Serena kept rationalizing that, although her involvement with the other man was wrong, her husband was actually the reason. He didn’t take time to make her feel special. The other man did.

Gently, but firmly, we explained that she could not use her husband’s deficiency as an excuse for her unfaithfulness. After about two hours of discussion she finally reached the honesty that is always the first step to restoration.

Remember that if you have been unfaithful you must acknowledge the pain you have caused your spouse. You need to let him or her express that pain in whatever words they need, even if the words make you feel terrible. Your spouse needs to know that you understand how much pain you have caused.

Maria was married for 30 years when her marriage hit bottom. She and her husband saw a counselor, but it was unsuccessful. She told us that her husband just wanted to move on, get their marriage back to the way it was. That sounded noble, but it was not. He was far too proud to see the pain in her eyes, and far too self-centered to really change in helpful ways.

Do not let that happen to you. If you have caused pain, be ready to hear your spouse and respond in true and honest remorse.

All Restoration Requires Forgiveness

Do not confuse forgiveness with trust. You can forgive someone even if you don’t trust him or her. But forgiving shows that you want to see trust and faithfulness restored. I will write on forgiveness in another article, but if you would like to read about it now, from a Christian perspective, please go to this article on my website: Forgiveness

All Restoration Requires a Consistent Demonstration of Faithfulness

The one who betrayed trust must accept, even welcome, more careful scrutiny for a time. Doing so displays a serious desire to restore the relationship. In essence the guilty party is saying, “I want your trust so much that I am willing to be watched. Whatever it takes, I want to regain your trust.”

All Restoration Must Be Free from the Desire to Punish

It’s one thing to insist on accountability, but another to use that to punish the person. Remember the goal: rebuilding the relationship. Punishing our partner doesn’t help us reach that goal. It might make us feel good to get back at the one who hurt us so badly, but it doesn’t rebuild the marriage.

All Restoration Should Lead To Better Understanding

Done in the right way restoration will bring you to a better understanding of your marriage, your spouse, and yourself. In other words, we learn from it. Things will never be the same after a major betrayal of trust, but they can, in significant ways, become better.

All Restoration Takes Time

Don’t rush it, and don’t let impatience rob you of a good outcome. Many couples give up way too soon. Watch for small improvements. As Winter gives way to Spring, the ground thaws gradually, not instantly. Soon new plants start to appear where the ground was hard and barren. It’s been winter for a long time, but spring is coming.

Mutual Mercy

One quality of restoration draws all of the others together and keeps them in the proper balance. Let’s call it mutual mercy. Mercy isn’t a popular word these days, but, as Dallas Willard says, it is truly essential for continued health and healing in relationships.

Mercy means that we do not treat one another as we deserve, but better than we deserve. All humans need it, and need to extend it. Think about how often we hear people, including ourselves, say “I’m only human.” As if anyone could think, even for a minute, that we were anything else! Because humans make mistakes and live imperfect lives, we need to be merciful to each other, especially so when we’re rebuilding a broken relationship. Mercy does not remove responsibility. Mercy simply treats another the way we would want to be treated. Christians call it the Golden Rule, but is actually worth much more than gold.

The Power of the Potter

In the Bible, Jeremiah the prophet went to a potter learn an object lesson about restoration. As the potter fashioned the clay something went wrong, and the half-formed clay collapsed on the wheel. Did he throw away the ruined, shapeless lump? Not at all. There was still great potential for that ruined clay, and the potter knew how to bring it about. He shaped another vessel, different, but still beautiful. (See Jeremiah 18)

God is like that potter. He can take the ruins of your marriage and make something beautiful. Place your lives and your marriage in His hands. Cooperate with Him by believing and following His Word. As you work with God a miracle will happen in your marriage.

Think, Act, Pray:

The doorbell rang. Opening the door I saw our friend, Madeline, eyes red from crying. “I’ve been to an attorney,” she said. “I’m divorcing my husband. He’s having an affair. Everyone in our community knows about it. I just can’t take it any more!”

1. Does Madeline have a right to divorce her husband?

2. Is there any other course she could take?

3. If Madeline and her husband decide to rebuild their marriage, what steps will they each need to take?

Trust

by Mike Constantine

It amazes me that experts on marriage talk so little about trust. They discuss compatibility, even administer personality profiles to help a couple see how they match up. All fine, and very worthwhile. When I do pre-marriage counseling I often use the same tools

But if the intent of marriage is to build and maintain a uniquely intimate relationship, trust is more important than any other quality. We simply do not develop intimacy with someone we don’t trust. Furthermore, the depth of our intimacy will be in direct proportion to the depth of our trust.

Diane and I met in college and married just after graduation. Both of us felt we were making a good choice, but I wanted to know if there was one quality about me (beside my good looks?) that gave Diane the confidence to marry me. So one day I asked her just why she married me.

We have asked many couples that question during counseling. Some common responses: “He swept me off my feet.” She was just what I wanted.” Well, it seemed like the thing to do at the time.” I prayed and God said he was the one.” “I don’t know.”

Diane had a different response, and one we have not heard from many people. Diane told me she married me because she knew she could trust me. For Diane, that was the core issue. Yes, she felt we had compatibility. She enjoyed my company. She felt good when she was with me. She liked the way I treated her parents, and I probably did sweep her off her feet a little. But it was trust that mattered most to her.

Her answer led me to another question. “Why did you know you could trust me?” Diane told me she knew she could trust me because I honored God. “I know you’re not perfect, Mike,” she said, “but I also know that when God speaks, you listen.”

I hope that has always been true. In over forty years of marriage we have certainly had many opportunities to trust each other and to earn each other’s trust. Mutual trust has made it possible for us to have a relaxing, satisfying marriage.

A very beautiful woman married a very plain looking man. When someone asked her why she married him, when she could have had a much better looking man, she answered, “He never hurts me.” That’s safety, built on trust.

Promises, Promises

Some people make promises with no intention of fulfilling them. They pledge their loyalty to gain acceptance, or to get what they want. To them a promise is only a means to an end, therefore deceptive. Vows? Those are just words you say in a ceremony, not binding promises.

Others make their promises sincerely, but as circumstances change so does their faithfulness. Promises are forgotten, trust is damaged, and their partner feels the deep pain of betrayal.

This song, Promises, Promises says it well:

In the beginning
Never a doubt
Trusted too true.
In the beginning
I loved you right through.
Arm in arm we laughed like kids
At all the silly things we did
You made me promises, promises
Knowing I’d believe
Promises, promises
You knew you’d never keep.
Promises, Promises, recorded by Naked Eyes
-Byrne and Fischer, writers

Serious Promisekeepers

Words are like people: some you like, some you love, and some you just don’t understand. Spouse has always been that kind of word for me. I didn’t like it. It sounded too much like mouse, or even worse, louse! I disliked that word so much that for many years I would not use it in any article or seminar.

Like some people who seem disagreeable to you, a word can become your friend when you understand it. That happened when I uncovered the ancestry of the word spouse. Its father was a Latin word, spondere, and that word is full of meaning. Spondere means a solemn promise. So a spouse is someone who solemnly promises love and honor to his or her marriage partner.

Two other words share the same ancestor: responsive and responsible. Taken together, these words paint a great picture. A spouse promises to be both responsive and responsible for his or her actions. In other words, a good spouse encourages trust by faithfulness.

Having Trouble Trusting Your Spouse?

Even with a trustworthy spouse, some of us have may trouble trusting. Kevin, for example. For years he had difficulty trusting his wife with money. He would demand strict accounting for every single cent she spent. That was really hard for her, for she is very responsible and did not deserve distrust. There were many tense moments, because Kevin justified excessive accountability, claiming frugality as the reason. In truth, fear controlled him, a fear that if he did not squeeze every cent, they would not have enough.

Change began when he stopped justifying his behavior and admitted his need for God’s help. His wife was wise. She didn’t demand change. She even adapted herself to his weakness. In time, with God’s help and his wife’s patience, that controlling fear lost its power over Kevin. He was free to trust his wife in the way she really deserved.

Trusting Can Be Hard

Why is it hard to trust? Our background and upbringing might be one reason. For example, you may have grown up in a home with parents who weren’t faithful to each other. That example can condition you to expect the same from your husband or wife, or at least to live in the fear of unfaithfulness. Fear always causes some degree of tension.

A little boy is out for a walk with his father. They come to a place where there is a wall about four feet high. The father lifts his son to the top of the wall and urges him to jump. “I’ll catch you,” he promises. But when the boy jumps the father steps aside and lets him fall. As the boy lays there crying, wondering why his dad let him fall, the father says, “Son, let that be a lesson to you to never trust anyone.”

That is a true story. That little boy grew up manipulating and controlling people, but never trusting anyone. As you can imagine, he never developed true intimacy with anyone. Like a rolling stone, he kept moving from one relationship to another. He could not trust, only fear the next inevitable betrayal.

It’s also possible that some well-meaning friend or relative told you that, eventually, everyone cheats. . . especially men! Add to that all the ruined marriages you hear about. Stir in some rotten examples from the media, and you have a recipe for fear. Your husband or wife may love you exclusively, but your fears dominate. Suspicion permeates your mind like a bad odor that won’t go away.

Whatever the cause of your fears, the usual result is a desire for excessive accountability and control. You want to know where every cent went, where the person is every moment. You become angry if he or she spends anything extra or ever comes home late. You believe that every other woman or man wants to steal your mate. You live in misery and so does your spouse.

The way out of those fears is to tell yourself the truth. Yes, other mates have cheated, but that does not mean yours will. Yes, money is tight, but your spouse is a good money manager. Yes, your past was marked by some serious betrayals, but the one you married is not like the ones who hurt you.

It isn’t easy to learn to trust. But your personal relationship with God, through Christ, will make you a faithful, trustworthy person, and will bring healing from the disappointments in your past.

God has been delivering people from their fears for generations. Tell Him that you know your fears are unreasonable, but that you don’t have the power to change. Ask Him to help you know the truth, for when you do, the fears will die. Tensions will decrease, and restful security will grow where fear once ruled.

How do we build trust? The answer is simple: keep your promises. When you hear a little thought in your head that says, “You have a right to be happy. Go ahead! Spend the money for the mortgage payment on new golf clubs. Go to the pub with your friends.” When you hear that thought or others like it, think about the lasting, long-term effects of your unfaithfulness. Then pick up the phone, dial your spouse, and tell him or her how thankful you are for a good marriage.

Think, Act, Pray

1. What has your spouse done in the past that helps you trust him or her?

2. What has your spouse done to make it difficult for you to trust him or her?

3. If you are not trusting someone who really is trustworthy, you are probably believing a lie. What is the lie that you are believing? What is the truth?

The Importance of Being Submitted to God

I once stayed in the home of a young, very successful businessman. He had started small, but his business grew rapidly. Unfortunately, his commitment to Christ withered just as rapidly. One day his wife spoke to me privately. “I worry about my husband,” she said. “He used to pray and read his Bible first thing each morning. Now, no more. When he wakes up, he first wants to see the stock market report. He speculates on the market day and night.” She also told me about a dream she had. She saw a large python come into her house, wrap itself around her children, and begin squeezing them. She said that snake stood for her husband’s love of money and that it was strangling her family.

4. If you had a dream that a snake was strangling your marriage, what would that snake’s name be?