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Defeating the Debt Monster

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If the debt monster has you locked up in his dungeon, you need to take some decisive steps toward liberty. The odd thing about this dungeon is that you actually have the keys to unlock every door between you and financial freedom. You just have to use them.

Look around you. Can you see the other prisoners in this debt dungeon? All of them have the keys, just like you do. The debt monster knows any of you can escape, but he is sure that the hopelessness you feel will keep you from taking a single step toward freedom.

First Key: Recognize why you are in financial bondage.

Don’t blame the economy. You must recognize that the real reason for your financial problems is your own unsound decisions. Times may be difficult, but many people survive difficult financial times because they follow the right principles and make wise resolutions.

You are probably locked up with your spouse, and perhaps only one of you made the decisions that led to this financial prison. If so, take responsibility for your actions. Once you have, work together to reach financial freedom. Marriages have died in this prison simply because the couple will not work together to achieve liberty.

Second Key: Do not borrow any more money from any person or any company.

This is a real step of faith shown by action. “What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him?” (James 2:14) Right actions must accompany faith, not just any actions. If you steadfastly decide not to borrow or buy anything on credit, God will honor your faith and provide honorable ways to meet your needs.

Credit card abuse got you into this mess, so you can only get out by not using any of your cards for any purpose, at least until you are debt free. That credit card could be as dangerous to your financial health as whiskey is to an alcoholic. Do not carry it with you.

It may be necessary to have a card for emergencies. If so, make it hard to get to it.

One couple placed their credit cards in a dish of water, then put the dish in the freezer! In essence theyfroze their own credit. They couldn’t use the cards until they thawed them out. That gave them time to think before they made a purchase. It’s a cold, hard solution, but it might just work.

Couples who have developed good financial discipline can safely use credit cards, if they pay the outstanding balance in full each month. A credit card is like a chainsaw: a useful tool in a skilled hand, but a dangerous weapon in the hand of an undisciplined person.

Third Key: Arrange to pay something to every creditor.

Contact any companies or banks whom you owe and ask them to be patient with you and to accept lesser payments. “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison.” (Matthew 5:25) You can also start using what someone called the snowball principle. For an explanation of the Snowball Principle, click here: The Snowball Principle

Contact any friends or family members you have borrowed from. If you have taken advantage of their generosity, you should ask their forgiveness and make restitution. If you cannot repay them right now ask for understanding, and make plans to repay them as soon as possible. If necessary, ask your pastor or theirs to mediate a settlement. By doing that you also establish some financial accountability.

Fourth Key: Find someone to oversee your journey to financial freedom.

It will help you. We sometimes need an outside party to keep us on track, especially if we have a history of undisciplined spending.

One other thought about accountability: you can fool anyone but God. Sure, you could ask someone to help you stay on track, but without a personal sense of accountability to God, you might still practice the same personal dishonesty that led to your present crisis.

Fifth Key: Avoid the temptation of looking for a quick fix.

Usually, God delivers us from financial bondage gradually. Of course God could provide all the money you need to get out of debt in a moment, but he usually doesn’t. Why? Because monetary miracles do not develop character, but faithful, patient progress does. The real gold comes from the development of our inner character, for when we are rich there, we are rich indeed!

In the United States we have lotteries, like the four-digit lotteries in some Asian countries. I recently heard that most people who hit the jackpot eventually lose it all. They strike it rich, but they don’t have the character and self-control to use it wisely. God wants to do more than release you from debt. He wants to form your character and teach you financial self-control so you do not repeat the mistake. “Dishonest money dwindles away, but he who gathers money little by little makes it grow.” (Proverbs 13:11)

Remember this: God wants you free from financial bondage, but he cannot deliver you unless you follow His path. If you do, you will see His blessing in all you do. If you don’t, the pit gets deeper. Seize the chance! Break the destructive pattern you have fallen into. Resist every voice that tells you it’s too late. Believe God, and prove it by the financial decisions you make. You will love the results.

Mastering Money

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Marriage counselors all agree that money problems are a chief source of marital stress. The following letter to John and Anne, a couple experiencing financial difficulties, gives some good, practical advice to couples about managing their finances. Without a doubt, money matters.

Dear John and Anne,

I hope you’ll take this letter in the spirit of love and compassion in which I send it. Ever since I came to know about your financial difficulties, I’ve been deeply concerned for you. When a friend complained you had borrowed money from him and had not repaid it, I knew the problem was really serious. I soon discovered that you were in debt to many people, sometimes borrowing from one to pay something to the others. That’s quite desperate, wouldn’t you agree?

I want to share some principles with you that will help you recover from your financial snare. Of course, you are not alone. Many, many people find themselves caught in the same net. Like a trapped animal they fight against their bonds, spending all their strength and more than all their money. There is a way out, but it comes by humbly applying God’s wisdom, not by frantically scheming.

There is a Cause

Financial distress has many causes. Each of them, like a strand of strong rope, binds you. The more strands, the more bondage. Let’s call them the shortages that lead to financial bondage.

Shortage of Work

If a person faithfully works at his job, he can expect a fair wage and promotion. Faithful work habits show our desire to please God and earn respect. John, do not be offended, but I believe you are trying to find a get-rich-quick scheme. Believe me. They’re not hard to find, but they rarely produce the results they promise. In the worst cases they are even deceptive and unethical. Beware of any job in which you have to lie or misrepresent your product or yourself. Find a good job, do a good job, and you’ll reap a good reward.

Shortage of Wisdom

Wisdom makes the difference between success and failure. The Bible tells us that a rich man can also be a fool if he allows what he owns to own him. Wise people manage their money, no matter how much or how little. They don’t allow their money to manage them. As Solomon said, a person who has money, but lacks wisdom, is the same as a person without money: “Of what use is money in the hand of a fool, since he has no desire to get wisdom?” (Proverbs 17:16)

Shortage of Faith

What, exactly, is faith? Faith means seeing God as your source, your provider. Many people talk faith, but do not live faith. We prove our faith in God by the decisions we make about money and possessions. Do we live for money? Do we have an Aladdin complex, hoping to make God our genie? He will gladly be our provider but he will never be our servant.

We also show our faith in God by submission to His will and authority. If we do not submit to Him, how can we hope to claim His promises? Show your faith in God, not just in your words, but in actions that please him, and he will bless you. A wise man once said, “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.” (Psalms 37:3)

Shortage of Giving

Those who never give, never have enough, or never think they do. Those who do give to God and his work experience joyous freedom. When you consistently practice that kind of giving, you are free from a grasping, penny-pinching attitude.

I once talked with a man who works as a car sales agent. You know how changeable that job can be. He told me some of his financial difficulties and what happened when he and his wife started giving to God’s work. With a light in his eyes and excitement in his voice, he told me how God has blessed his family and their finances. He sold some of the most expensive vehicles in the dealership, almost without trying.

No one can promise you instant results. God chooses when and how to bless us. Still, you will see your financial situation improve if you honor God by giving to his work. Please remember: it isn’t the giving alone that pleases him. What pleases God is giving that comes from a sincere and thankful heart.

Work faithfully, live wisely, believe God, and give. You will see God bless you in all you do. I do not say that you will live lavishly, but you will have all you need and enough to share with others. And you will be free! No financial bondage. No sleepless nights. No scheming. God’s way is a restful way.

Think, Act, Pray

1. Which of the four shortages do you think is the most common reason for financial problems among Christians?

2. Why do you think most get-rich-schemes do not work as promised?

3. What are some ways a couple can gain financial wisdom?

4. Name some ways people show their faith in God about financial matters.

5. Do you know someone whose financial situation improved when they began giving? Why do you think that happened?

A good friend of ours had been foolish and gotten into serious debt. When he chose to get out of debt, he cut up his credit cards, began paying promptly, and did not incur more debt. But he would not give to God’s work. He said, “If I owe money to others, I cannot give anything to God. I will get out of debt, then I’ll begin to give.”

He worked hard, often 60 hours a week, just to pay his debts. After two years, he had paid off about one third of what he owed. Then an opportunity came to support a former classmate on a mission. He committed a significant amount each month to that mission organization. Almost immediately, he received a new job offer in a new field. He had much to learn, and it wasn’t easy, but he now worked a normal work week with twice the earnings. In less than a year, he was debt-free, and still is today.

1. Which of the shortages we mentioned could have caused our friend to get into debt?

2. What did giving to God’s work prove?

3. What did he do that made it possible for God to bless him financially?

Booby Traps and Blowups

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It wasn’t a great day for the Kumars. Ninety-nine percent of their days were really wonderful, but this wasn’t one of them. If a video of that day existed, they would want to buy and destroy all the copies.

It all started with an innocent comment from Joyce about a project she and George were doing. “Hey George! Good News! I figured out how we can make this work!” Little did she know what a storm would follow those few innocent words.

George should have felt happy about the solution. “Good job! That’s great!” That would have been a healthy response. But he didn’t. George became sullen, brooding, and angry. He said some very damaging words, even slammed a few doors. His reaction shocked his wife and surprised him. He certainly didn’t plan it. So, why?

George analyzed that for hours. As we discussed the reaction, he said that he felt offended that he was left out. He wanted to feel that he was part of the process, a supplier of answers, a problem-solver. Instead he felt useless. Joyce surely didn’t need his help. She had it all figured out.

With his stormy words, George was actually accusing Joyce of an unloving, thoughtless attitude. We know Joyce. She doesn’t deserve that accusation, for that is never her attitude. She is a supportive and loving wife. Why, in that moment, did George believe a lie so easily?

One of the greatest fears for an army on patrol in hostile territory is the booby trap. The enemy stretches a thin wire across the trail, just at ankle level. When the soldier trips it an explosion blows off his foot or leg. If he lives, it takes months for the wounds to heal, and the painful memory could well last for a lifetime.

The atmosphere changes when a soldier trips a booby trap. Every other soldier acts more cautiously, and no one wants to lead the patrol.

That happens in marriages, too. Unexpected explosions cause tension. Neither partner wants to take the lead in communicating for fear that some innocent step will cause an explosive reaction. Admit it. We are a booby trapped race. The trip wires, innocently triggered by our spouses, prompt reactions that surprise us in their intensity.

Where do we get them? Who planted these lethal devices in our lives? Hard questions, and the answers depend on how you look at life.

Some psychologists believe that we base our actions and responses almost totally on inherited characteristics, or our nature. Others believe that our upbringing is more important in determining how we act and respond.

I tend to believe that actions and responses come from three sources: nature, upbringing, and life experiences. We do have inherited tendencies. We did develop some reactions because of earlier unpleasant experiences in our homes or schools. And life itself, with all its joys and trials, has left an imprint, too.

How does a person defuse a booby trap if he or she doesn’t know it is there? Let’s see if we can dismantle George’s booby trap and examine its mechanism.

  • There is a lie: Recalling my earlier story, since Joyce found a solution to the problem, George believed his own work had no value. A lie, of course, and how easy to recognize it in hindsight, but not at the moment of explosion.
  • There is a false assumption: Since his wife solved the problem George’s mind told him his part was unnecessary. She didn’t need him. For that matter, did anyone need him? Wasn’t he just a stupid, unimportant man?
  • There is a false accusation: “Joyce has discredited me. She does not appreciate me or the work I do,” his mind said.

George really did know better than that. He is blessed with a wonderful, loving, supportive wife. They had developed enduring habits of caring and helping. Nevertheless, in the moment the booby trap exploded, nothing true seemed real. The lies looked like the realities.

The process resembles dynamite. With dynamite you need a fuse, a trigger of some sort (usually a blasting cap), and the dynamite itself. We believe a lie, then attach a false assumption to it, then make a condemning accusation. Soon we have all the pieces in place for a powerful, destructive explosion.

I should add that some people do not respond by exploding. They respond by imploding. Outwardly they are quiet, almost too quiet. That’s because all the force of their reaction has gone inside. They sulk. They allow the lies, like shards of broken glass, to tear them to pieces. In other words, they internalize the destruction. Imploders may look untroubled, but the lies are still there, lacerating their souls.

After an explosion we often blame our spouse for triggering it. “If you were more careful with your words, I wouldn’t explode!” we tell them. We feel embarrassed because we reacted so explosively, so we accuse the person who innocently stepped on the trigger.

We can also blame ourselves. “It’s all my fault!” we exclaim with a snarl or a pout. We kick ourselves like a hateful man kicking a mongrel dog. We become depressed and close everyone out.

Toxic blame creates toxic shame. What is left if blaming others or ourselves causes such damage?

Here’s a helpful strategy:

  • Cool down. That may take a little while, but it is absolutely necessary in order to restore clarity.
  • Tell your spouse you’re sorry for the reaction, without any hint of blame.
  • Learn the truth about your explosions. Until you do, there will always be another one.

Wise spouses give each other time and space to cool down. They forgive impulsive responses. They accept apologies, whether the apology comes in formal words or in actions. Wise spouses reassure the exploder of their love and acceptance. And they do not blame themselves for the blowups they did not cause.

Clearly our mind is the place where booby traps lurk- the source of our intense, unreasonable responses.

Here is the good news: your mind is flexible, not set like concrete. It is possible for you to create new connections and pathways, simply by telling yourself the truth. Every new and truthful connection leads to more freedom and fewer explosions.

Even so, making the choice to change is often harder than we imagine. Many of us would rather live with our booby traps than work at removing them. Will we ever get rid of all our booby traps? Perhaps not. But the explosions will be less frequent and less damaging if we respond in the right way, with a reasonable attitude.

Think, Act, Pray

In each of these stories try to identify the lies, distortions, or false assumptions. Then identify a true statement that would replace each faulty thought.

1. Heather had spent two hours making spaghetti sauce according to her mother-in-law’s family recipe. When Charles tasted it he commented that he thought it needed more salt. Heather dissolved in tears. “I’m a terrible cook,” she sobs. “I’ll never be able to please you.”

2. A colleague casually mentions to Robert that he had seen his wife, Cheryl, having lunch with another man. Seething inside, Robert went home that night in a dark mood. He doesn’t speak during dinner, and hardly looks at Cheryl. She wonders what is wrong? Finally, in great anger, Robert shouts, “You are having lunch with other men! Am I not good enough for you? Maybe I should find someone else, too!”

Get Out of Jail Free

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Here’s a question for you: do you ever connect two or more thoughts or events that are completely unrelated? When we do that we make false conclusions which frustrate us and the people around us.

Andy had a rough day last week. His boss scolded him for a project that was behind schedule. Worst of all, it wasn’t completely his fault. The next day he was assigned a corner desk without a window. He connected that to the scolding and concluded that the move was a punishment. That created ill will towards his boss and envy for the employee who got the window.

Actually, Andy had a choice. He could either believe the two incidents were unrelated, or make a wrong connection. He chose to assume that the reprimand and the move were connected. He came to work everyday with a cloud over his head, ready to add one more false assumption to the chain.

The truth is that there was no connection between the reprimand and the move. Had he bothered to ask he would have discovered that they moved him to another desk to make room for an employee who had been in an accident and was on crutches. It was only temporary.

You’re in the Jailhouse Now

Mark comes home from work. He’s tired, so he doesn’t greet his wife, Sally, with much enthusiasm. That morning she awoke late, causing more tension than usual in their morning routine. Sally makes a connection between those two separate incidents. Let’s visit Sally’s brain on that day.

“Mark was irritated because I woke up late this morning. Mark doesn’t look happy now. He must still be mad about this morning. In fact, he’s probably still mad about that time last week with his mother.

“Who is he to be mad? He’s not perfect! He makes mistakes, but I guess I make the biggest ones. In fact, I’m always the problem. Why did wonderful Mark have to ruin his life by marrying stupid me? He thinks I’m stupid! I’ll fix him. And his mother. She’s the one who makes me look bad. She has never thought I am good enough for her darling boy . . .”

On it goes. Turn after turn, Sally winds her way into a labyrinth of confused feelings. A stone cold silence grips her.

The truth is, Mark had forgotten all about that morning. He wasn’t mad at Sally. In fact, he was a little mad at himself for being so grumpy when he came home. Now they have a problem. Sally’s chained in the dungeon and blames Mark for putting her there. Mark is upset because she blames him. There’s a long cold night ahead for these two lovebirds unless they can find a way to break the chain of wrong connections.

Catch a bird and put it in a cage. Now try to reach in and take the bird out. That bird will resist, fight, peck, bounce off the wires— anything but let you remove it from the cage. So, if Mark attempts to reason with Sally she might get even madder.

Or, he could ignore her. “She put herself in the dungeon, so she can get herself out!”he might think. And what about Sally? She’s pouting in her cold, dark dungeon cell. She’s waiting for Mark to make a move, to attempt to rescue her. Yet she’s still mad at him. Is there any way for Sally to get out of jail free?

Has Anybody Seen My Key?

It’s better to not make the wrong connection in the first place, but what do you do if you already have? At the core of every wrong connection is a false assumption. Sally could have asked Mark if something was troubling him, or she could have assumed everything was fine. Either one would have kept her out of jail. Now the only way out is to admit what she has done, forgive herself, and ask Mark to forgive her. Doesn’t seem too hard, does it?

The strange thing about dungeons like Sally’s is that they aren’t really locked. The key is on the inside, with the prisoner. But if making wrong connections gets us into jail, pride keeps us there. We feel foolish for causing so much trouble over nothing. We don’t like feeling foolish, so we never reach for the key.

What is the key? Humility. Such an archaic sounding word in this age of self-assertion. When was the last time you saw an article on the values of humility in any secular magazine? But until we humble ourselves we remain prisoners of our own faulty connections. A whole world of love and joy is waiting for us outside. All we have to do is open the door and walk out.

Think, Act, Pray

1. In addition to chaining unrelated events together, Sally complicated the problem in other ways. Look at the paragraph where I recorded her thoughts. See if you can find at least one statement she made for each of the following:

  • Shifting The Blame
  • Unforgiveness
  • Fault-finding
  • Low self-esteem
  • Expanding the sphere of the conflict

2. Think of a question Sally could have asked her husband that would have kept her out of jail.

The ABCs of Healthy Communication

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The human body needs basic nutrients to thrive and last. So does your marriage. With these qualities, marriages can thrive. Without them, they die. So, let’s learn our ABCs.

Accept Each Other

Acceptance means taking one another just as you are. The English word even comes from a Latin word that means, literally, to take to oneself. Accepting your spouse doesn’t mean you totally approve of everything he or she does, or the negative ways he or she acts. Acceptance means we’re on the same team, not competitors.

Husbands and wives know their partner’s strengths and weaknesses. Even so, rather than wishing they were married to someone else, they learn to recognize their strengths and build on them, while strengthening their weaknesses. The combination is dynamic and leads to a strong lasting marriage.

Success or failure both depend more on attitude than ability. Sure, other people might have an easier time building a great marriage because they have strengths that you and your spouse don’t naturally possess. But you are not other people. Recognize what your strengths are, and also your weaknesses; work together in mutual acceptance, and your marriage will become healthier.

Believe the Best

Human nature tends to look for the worst and believe the worst. But we chose our beliefs, so believe the best instead.

Suspicion damages many relationships, sometimes beyond repair. If you don’t have solid reasons for your suspicions, dump them.

Have you ever encountered a marriage that was infected with criticism? The children inherit it, and suspicion fills the home like a chilling fog. When that happens, even innocent acts or words take on negative meanings.

Years ago our family lived in Penang. One dark, early morning,  I went to meet a friend. As I waited for him I saw two monkeys on the grass playing with a broken tree limb. As the sun rose I could see that it was really just . . . one monkey. Then, as it got still brighter, I realized that there were . . .  no monkeys. I thought, “That is just how you imagine that people toy with your reputation. But in the light you see how mistaken you were.” Put your unsupported suspicions to rest. Believe the best instead.

Concentrate on Understanding

Understanding requires attentive listening. It’s harder than you think, because most of us spend more energy making our point than understanding someone else. My wife once told me that I was the only person she knew who could leave a room without using the door! Sure, my body was there, but not my mind. My mind was on the next task, the next meeting. If you are like that, start learning how to listen and how to understand. It takes some work, but its worth the work it takes.

Destroy Prejudice

Prejudiced? Me? Actually, most of us are, whether we admit it or not.

Prejudice means making an uninformed judgement. It’s deciding that you don’t like something before you even try it. It’s rejecting an idea because you didn’t think of it. It’s determining that you will not like your husband’s sister before you have had a chance to get to know her. It’s passing judgement on your teenager’s music just because you don’t like the rhythm or volume.

Prejudice blocks understanding. Therefore, prejudiced people live dry, shrunken lives and miss many joys. Prejudiced people use words like, “That’s stupid!” “How dumb!” Open-minded people ask for more information.

Destroy prejudice by refusing to make judgements until you know the facts. Then, allow the facts to convince you and change the way you see. You might discover joys you didn’t know existed, and your partner will feel more valued.

Encourage Openness

You can invite openness, but you can never force it. People are not oysters to be pried open with the edge of a knife. We should respect every person’s right to privacy even if that privacy frustrates the relationship. At the same time, invite openness by showing concern and being trustworthy.

Many spouses do try to force their partners to talk to them, rather than encouraging them to talk. Such forcing breeds resentment and even more silence.

The more I know that I am safe with you, the more I will open up to you. As an ancient proverb says, “A true friend is one to whom you can pour out the contents of your heart, wheat and weeds mixed together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will sift through it, keeping the wheat and letting the weeds blow away.”

Forgive Impulsiveness

All of us say words we would like to get back, words spoken carelessly or in a moment of frustration.. When your spouse says something of that kind, either let it go or ask for some clarification. Above all, don’t redefine the relationship, or person, because of one unguarded outburst. Would you want to be defined by your worst moments? Of course not.

Grant Grace

Grace is what we need from one another when our worst comes out, not our best. Grace is unearned kindness. In any relationship, grace is an absolute essential, for all of us are difficult to live with at times. When your husband or wife wakes up in a bad mood, you can choose to react negatively or respond positively. Granting grace is the positive response. You need it, so be sure you give it.

Humble Yourself

You cannot humble your spouse or anyone else. You can humiliate that person, making him or her feel small and shameful. Some people have developed that into a real art. But no amount of humiliation will make a person truly humble.

Humbling yourself doesn’t mean that you become a doormat. Humility is simply the difference between reasonableness and stubbornness, between unresolved conflict and agreement.

Now you know your ABCs. Use these building blocks to make a stronger marriage and family.