• Home
  • Great Ideas for Better Families
    • Great Marriages Don’t Just Happen. . .
    • 21st Century Parenting
    • Resources
      • Preparing to Succeed
      • Knowing Jesus
      • 40 Days of Power
    • Song Lyrics
    • Vision Builder
  • Choosing for Life
  • Intermin en Espanol
    • Disfruten un Matriomonio Maravilloso
    • Padres Positivos
    • Eligiendo Para Toda La Vida
  • 汉语
    • 幸福的婚姻并非偶然发生
    • 积极抚育
    • 选择是很困难的事情吗?
    • 和耶稣 亲密接触
  • 漢語
    • 幸福的婚姻並非偶然發生
    • 積 極撫育
    • 選 擇是很困難的事情嗎?
  • Contact Us

INTERMIN

We help build better lives and families around the world

Can One Partner Make a Difference?

by Mike Constantine

Kimberly has a problem. Her marriage to Carl is in bad shape, but Carl won’t discuss it or help repair it. Can Kim do anything that will make a difference?

In marriage, positive change requires joint action. So, if one marriage partner doesn’t want improvement, what can the other partner do? More than you think. Actually, in most damaged marriages, healing begins when one mate sees the possibility of healing and starts the process.

Are you that person? Will you be the one who lets healing begin? It isn’t easy, and there is no guarantee that your partner will change, but your efforts will still make a positive difference.

The Bad Guys

As you work for healing in your marriage, guard against destructive attitudes. Like outlaws, they gang up on weak, hurting people. Here’s a short description of each gang member so you’ll recognize them:

Self-pity

It hurts, really hurts, when your spouse rejects you and your desire for improvement. Be honest about your pain, but reject self-pity.

Self-pity is such an innocent looking little attitude, a baby-faced bandit. In a weird way, we even like it. It’s more dangerous than it looks. Self-pity never leads us to God, never improves the situation, and never improves us. It only makes us want to give up, crawl into a hole, and bury ourselves.

Self-pity can lead to self-destruction. It whispers, “End it all. Escape the pain and shame.” For some people self-destruction means a suicide attempt. Others would never take their own life in one deadly moment, but they kill themselves by degrees. They stop caring for themselves. They overeat, guzzle alcohol, stop exercising, and become careless about their appearance. They isolate themselves, sending signals that warn away anyone who would come close.

To defeat self-pity, put your problem in perspective. Yes, your spouse is unresponsive. Yes, you feel used and abused. But you are not the only one. Millions of men and women have felt just what you feel right now, but they haven’t let self-pity strangle them. You have other reasons to live, to grow, to reach out.

A lady wrote to us recently about a major breakthrough. Her husband did not share her faith in God, and self-pity almost strangled her. But she learned to stop focusing solely on her husband for her happiness. Instead, she finds her strength, her joy, and the love she needs in God, who is all love. With that attitude the way is open for God to work in her husband’s life.

Improper Anger

Is anger ever right? Yes. Appropriate anger, properly expressed, is necessary. In the Bible Paul said, “In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun set while you are still angry.” (Ephesians 4:26, NIV) If your spouse has left a trail of broken promises, you should feel angry. If his or her immaturity has caused pain and turmoil for you and the children, passivity would be dangerous. Right anger, rightly expressed, can help bring positive change.

Improper anger is different. This anger entices you to stab, to wound, to pay back hurt for hurt. It tells you that you have the right to better treatment than this! This anger doesn’t make anything better. It only destroys.

Bitterness

Bitterness will tell you to blame God, and ultimately lead you away from God.

Millions of people watch CNN, the Cable News Network. CNN’s founder is Ted Turner. Mr. Turner once was quoted as saying, “Christianity is a religion for losers.” That’s a harsh thing to say about a religion that has brought health and healing to more people, in more places, than his network has ever reached. It also reflects badly on Jesus Christ, the center of Christianity.

What would cause such bitterness? Mr. Turner’s sister suffered from Lupus, a horrible disease that eventually killed her, but not until she had endured five years of agony. That was all the proof young Ted needed to find God guilty of gross neglect.

I don’t know anyone who can explain the unfair, senseless pain and suffering that fills our world. But the Bible speaks about it. When life looked senseless to the writer of Psalm 73, he admitted that he nearly lost his footing, like a person on a slippery slope. Then he went into God’s presence. There he found, not answers, but understanding. Try reading that psalm for yourself. It’s a great antidote to bitterness.

We have two more outlaw attitudes to identify: vengeance and self-indulgence. They usually don’t come out until the other gang members have laid the groundwork.

Vengeance

Vengeance says, “I’ll get even. I’ll make her pay. I’ll give him a taste of his own medicine.” When someone hurts us, vengeance always seems justified, but it’s not the way of Jesus. The way of Jesus is mercy. Mercy causes us to give people, not what they deserve, but what we would need if we were in their place.

Self-indulgence

Self-indulgence tells you that you have a right to be happy and a right to gratification. It suggests that you give yourself all that your spouse has stolen from you, even if you have to steal it from someone else.  Like self-pity, it leads to over-eating, over-spending, and quite often, sexual unfaithfulness.

The Good Guys

Now that you know some dangerous attitudes to avoid, let’s consider some powerful, positive actions that make a difference.

Pray

What better thing can you do than pray? It is the first and most important action to save your marriage and your husband or wife. There is no special secret to effective praying. Just pour out your heart in honesty to God, your Heavenly Father. He will hear you. Tell Him how you feel about your marriage, about yourself, and about your husband or wife. Ask Him to show you any attitudes in yourself that He wants to change.

Honest prayer includes truthfulness about your own wrong attitudes and actions. So, do not let prayer become an exercise in self-justification.

Jesus told the story of one man, a real hypocrite, who went to God’s house to pray. “I thank you, O God, that I am not like other men,” he boasted. You could almost hear God say. “No, you’re not like other men. You’re worse!”

Praying honestly means you sincerely want God to change you, not only your spouse and your marriage.

Confess

A good confession has great power. How are you talking about your husband or wife, about yourself, and about your marriage? More than that, how are you thinking? Our thoughts can be like recordings that play repeatedly in our minds. Often, those recordings are nothing but lies and negative words. I am not suggesting that you can change the course of history just by thinking good thoughts and speaking sweet words. I am convinced, however, that much of our unbelief and cynicism shows up in our thoughts and words. Change them. Speak and think the truth. It really helps.

Commit

This is a difficult thing to do, but remember: you cannot change your spouse, only God can. When we commit a person to God, we pray a very serious prayer: “Lord God, do whatever is necessary to bring my husband or wife to you, to their senses, and back to me.” Such a prayer includes the one who prays it, for God will probably change you before He changes your spouse.

Examine

Be willing to see what there is about you that might stall the healing process. You must be careful here, for examination can easily lead to depression if it isn’t done with the help of the Spirit of God. He keeps us from becoming depressed and hopeless when we see the things about ourselves that He wants to change.

Wait

“How long, O Lord, how long!” the Psalmist cried. It is our cry, too. We just cannot see why it is taking so long for our spouse to see the light, and change.

One of the best pictures of patience in the Bible is the picture of a farmer:

Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. (James 4:7, NIV)

As I write this, part of America is experiencing a serious drought. Farmers are plowing their crops into the ground, for there is no hope that they will grow. They waited as long as they could wait, but the rains never came.

We can understand why they gave up on their harvest, but why are you giving up on yours? Waiting on God and hoping in God always takes longer than we think it will, but the fruit is worth the wait. The time might come when you will need to take a different action, but don’t move too hastily.

Recognize the Spiritual Battle

Paul said our struggle is not with flesh and blood, but with dark spiritual powers. Read Ephesians, chapter six, verse eleven. Paul also tells us that God has equipped us for the struggle. When he says “Put on the armor of God,” he means that we should use it, trusting in that armor to protect us and give us victory.

Is there a guarantee that your husband or wife will change? Is healing a certainty? With all my heart I wish I could say “Yes,” but that would not be honest. Even so, taking these steps will make it more possible for your spouse to respond to the magnetic power of God.

Can one partner make a difference? Absolutely. Will you be the one who starts the process of renewal in your marriage? Your future is only hopeless as long as no one takes the first steps. Even if your spouse is unresponsive, let the healing begin with you.

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: anger, bitterness, self-indulgence, self-pity, vengeance

Get Out of Jail Free

by Mike Constantine

Here’s a question for you: do you ever connect two or more thoughts or events that are completely unrelated? When we do that we make false conclusions which frustrate us and the people around us.

Andy had a rough day last week. His boss scolded him for a project that was behind schedule. Worst of all, it wasn’t completely his fault. The next day he was assigned a corner desk without a window. He connected that to the scolding and concluded that the move was a punishment. That created ill will towards his boss and envy for the employee who got the window.

Actually, Andy had a choice. He could either believe the two incidents were unrelated, or make a wrong connection. He chose to assume that the reprimand and the move were connected. He came to work everyday with a cloud over his head, ready to add one more false assumption to the chain.

The truth is that there was no connection between the reprimand and the move. Had he bothered to ask he would have discovered that they moved him to another desk to make room for an employee who had been in an accident and was on crutches. It was only temporary.

You’re in the Jailhouse Now

Mark comes home from work. He’s tired, so he doesn’t greet his wife, Sally, with much enthusiasm. That morning she awoke late, causing more tension than usual in their morning routine. Sally makes a connection between those two separate incidents. Let’s visit Sally’s brain on that day.

“Mark was irritated because I woke up late this morning. Mark doesn’t look happy now. He must still be mad about this morning. In fact, he’s probably still mad about that time last week with his mother.

“Who is he to be mad? He’s not perfect! He makes mistakes, but I guess I make the biggest ones. In fact, I’m always the problem. Why did wonderful Mark have to ruin his life by marrying stupid me? He thinks I’m stupid! I’ll fix him. And his mother. She’s the one who makes me look bad. She has never thought I am good enough for her darling boy . . .”

On it goes. Turn after turn, Sally winds her way into a labyrinth of confused feelings. A stone cold silence grips her.

The truth is, Mark had forgotten all about that morning. He wasn’t mad at Sally. In fact, he was a little mad at himself for being so grumpy when he came home. Now they have a problem. Sally’s chained in the dungeon and blames Mark for putting her there. Mark is upset because she blames him. There’s a long cold night ahead for these two lovebirds unless they can find a way to break the chain of wrong connections.

Catch a bird and put it in a cage. Now try to reach in and take the bird out. That bird will resist, fight, peck, bounce off the wires— anything but let you remove it from the cage. So, if Mark attempts to reason with Sally she might get even madder.

Or, he could ignore her. “She put herself in the dungeon, so she can get herself out!”he might think. And what about Sally? She’s pouting in her cold, dark dungeon cell. She’s waiting for Mark to make a move, to attempt to rescue her. Yet she’s still mad at him. Is there any way for Sally to get out of jail free?

Has Anybody Seen My Key?

It’s better to not make the wrong connection in the first place, but what do you do if you already have? At the core of every wrong connection is a false assumption. Sally could have asked Mark if something was troubling him, or she could have assumed everything was fine. Either one would have kept her out of jail. Now the only way out is to admit what she has done, forgive herself, and ask Mark to forgive her. Doesn’t seem too hard, does it?

The strange thing about dungeons like Sally’s is that they aren’t really locked. The key is on the inside, with the prisoner. But if making wrong connections gets us into jail, pride keeps us there. We feel foolish for causing so much trouble over nothing. We don’t like feeling foolish, so we never reach for the key.

What is the key? Humility. Such an archaic sounding word in this age of self-assertion. When was the last time you saw an article on the values of humility in any secular magazine? But until we humble ourselves we remain prisoners of our own faulty connections. A whole world of love and joy is waiting for us outside. All we have to do is open the door and walk out.

Think, Act, Pray

1. In addition to chaining unrelated events together, Sally complicated the problem in other ways. Look at the paragraph where I recorded her thoughts. See if you can find at least one statement she made for each of the following:

  • Shifting The Blame
  • Unforgiveness
  • Fault-finding
  • Low self-esteem
  • Expanding the sphere of the conflict

2. Think of a question Sally could have asked her husband that would have kept her out of jail.

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: anger, assumptions, blame, unforgiveness

Search Intermin

Bienvenido a Intermin en Español

Tenemos recursos excelentes acerca de cómo construir matrimonios, hogares y vidas más fuertes, diseñados para ayudarle a usted y a los que usted ama. Español

欢迎来到

欢 迎光临本站!这里有精彩的信息与您共享。我们的宗旨是:为意愿建立更牢固的婚姻、家庭和生活的朋友们提供心贴心的帮助。 本 站的信息将全部免费无偿为您开放。请注意,本站资源均属作者原创,您可以使用站内信息,但前提是不可以用它盈利。 把 它介绍给你的朋友吧,在这里读到的东西也许可以让他们受益终生。 欢迎来到

歡 迎來到

歡 迎光臨本站!這裏有精彩的資訊與您共用。我們的宗旨是:為意願建立更牢固的婚姻、家庭和生活的朋友們提供心貼心的幫助。 本 站的資訊將全部免費無償為您開放。請注意,本站資源均屬作者原創,您可以使用站內資訊,但前提是不可以用它盈利。 把 它介紹給你的朋友吧,在這裏讀到的東西也許可以讓他們受益終生。 歡 迎來到

Copyright © 2023 · Lifestyle Pro Theme On Genesis Framework · WordPress