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A Perfect Ending to a Lousy Day

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John comes home from work one day to find Sally in tears. “I am a terrible mother,” she cries!

“I don’t know why I ever let you get me pregnant! Any mother could do this better than me.”

Her three year old, Timmy, had tried to see how many revolutions a goldfish will make when you flush it down the toilet. He tried to teach the cat to swim too. Then he unwound a whole roll of toilet paper, wrapped himself it, and stalked around the house droning, “You’re not the mummy! I am the mummy.” Certainly not the kind of potty training she had in mind. All of that before lunch.

The rest of the day was even more daunting. Timmy, the three year old tornado, has reduced a perfectly capable mother– a woman with a masters degree and a nice even temperament– into a defeated mass of regrets. Did I mention that she is expecting their second child, too?

You’ve had days like that haven’t you? No? Oh. You’re one of those perfect parents who have discovered the foolproof secret to tranquil child raising. The rest of us secretly hope that the next time you and your husband or wife make love, the result will be a Timmy. Then we’ll see how tranquil you are. Heh, heh.

Prevent or Repair?

Now, this little article could go in many directions. We could follow Timmy and see what happens to a boy who has innocently unraveled his mom, as well as the toilet roll. Or we could follow his mom, Sally.

But remember John? He’s the daddy, and he just came home from a long hard day at the office and a truly horrible commute. Right now John’s own emotional reserves are on empty. Not only that, but events at work have made him feel fairly worthless. A collision is imminent. An explosion is only a few ticks of the clock away. How can they prevent it? Or do they just let it happen and bandage the wounds later?

Prevention is definitely better. And as any demolition expert will tell you, defusing the bomb is the first step. So how do we do that? For John and Sally, and little Timmy, there is a way.

First words are important. Look back at Sally’s words when John came home. They contained two accusations (that she was a terrible mom, and that it was really John’s fault for getting her pregnant), and a comparison (Any mother could do this better than me!). John could react to any or all of those, tired as he is, and the tensions would escalate. Or he could clam up, withdraw, and leave his wife in her emotional anguish. Neither is a good solution.

What will help? Sally needs some truth and John can help her find it. Because of Timmy’s tornado, Sally’s perspective is skewed. (More on that in a minute.) There’s something else this family needs first. They need to eat. That’s right. Leave all their feelings about failure alone for the moment, and have dinner. Someone said the hour before dinner is one of the most volatile for any family, and I think I believe them. Blood sugar is low, feelings run high. So eat! Then, after dinner, and after getting Timmy to bed, John and Sally can talk about the day’s frustrations.

Talk Time

Well-fed and a little more relaxed, with Timmy tucked in bed for the night, John and Sally can now talk about their no good horrible day. Let’s listen in and learn:

“So, Sally, sounds like you had a pretty rough day with our little boy.” (Great opening. Leaves the door open for Sally to respond and doesn’t make it sound like she’s to blame. Also shows that John is interested and involved.)

“Oh, John. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with him. If I was twins I still couldn’t keep up with him. I’m sorry for shouting and crying when you came back. I was just frustrated.” (Good response. Doesn’t blame John or Timmy, or herself.)

“Sally, my day was pretty terrible too. Missed a deadline, lost an account, and besides that I was stuck in traffic forever. That gave me that much longer to stew about my failures. So, what do we do now. What do we need?”

“I guess I need to know that I am not really a terrible mom, John.”

“Believe me, you’re not! There are some pretty bad mothers out there who have an occasional good day. But you’re a great mom who has an occasional bad day. Besides, what Timmy did wasn’t your fault.” (Lots of truth and affirmation in these statements, and Sally is ready to hear it.)

“I guess you’re right, John. Did you really lose a contract today?

“Yep! That’s me! The loser!”

“John, you are not a loser. You lost that account, but your stats for this quarter are still good.” (Sally is giving John a different perspective for his failure.)

“I’m sure glad I married you. You’re so supportive and encouraging, even when I don’t feel like I deserve it.”

“You do the same for me many times. No matter what happens we’ll always have each other.”

“Yes, and we’ll always have Timmy. But he really is a great kid, isn’t he?”

“He is. Now if we can just make till he moves out.”

(We pause here to give John and Sally some privat moments that require no comment.)

“Good night, dear.”

“Good night, darling.”

“You’re the best!”

“No, you’re the best.”

“Ummm, by the way, have you seen the cat?”

Help! I’m Married to a Pharisee

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We waste so much of our happiness arguing over petty differences. Like Jesus told the Pharisees, we strain at gnats and swallow camels. It’s a funny picture, isn’t it? In those days a man would pour his wine through a fine cloth (like the tea sock used in Asian coffee shops) to remove the smallest foreign particle. Yet, Jesus said, that same man was swallowing a camel, something many times bigger. The point was clear. They argued over petty matters, but neglected the issues that mattered most.

I see the same attitude in troubled marriages. One or both partners forget what is most important. They become obsessed with details, using their partner’s small failures or oversights to shift the attention from their own major problems.

I know a man (we’ll call him Simon) who is married to a difficult woman. Simon’s wife, (let’s call her Felicia), continually punishes him for small failures. Does he forget a request or overlook a task? He will surely hear about it. His wife excels at faultfinding, and she doesn’t do it quietly.

Felicia, when irritated, has a voice like the sound of car brakes squealing. “S-i-i-i-mon! How many times do I have to tell you? Don’t leave your cup on the table!” I believe Simon sometimes forgets on purpose. He thinks it’s the only way to preserve some sense of dignity. No man wants a wife who scolds him like a nagging auntie scolds a child.

Simon wants a good marriage. He wants to take some steps that would improve their marriage, but his wife’s attitude makes it difficult. Felicia refuses to admit her need for change. Instead she repeatedly shifts all the blame to Simon. That is a pharisee’s tactic. Point the finger at everyone else, give them impossible standards to live up to, and never admit that you have even greater problems than they do. Pride makes people act like that. Rather than admitting our need for change, we become expert faultfinders.

Principle-Centered Leadership, by Stephen Covey, is a book aimed directly at business leaders. Although I would not agree with the author’s religious beliefs, much of his material is simply excellent. How surprising, in a book written for business leaders, to find the following thoughts:

“. . . I once observed a marriage where there were frequent arguments. One thought came to me: These two people must have a broken heart and a contrite spirit toward each other or this union will never last. You can’t have oneness, unity, without humility. Pride and selfishness will destroy the union between man and God, between man and woman, between man and man . . .”

While teaching marriage seminars in Asia I came to the same conclusion. I have taught principles of marriage and family to thousands of people, and my wife and I have counseled many couples. We have found that one principle, only one, marks the difference between healed marriages and broken marriages. That essential is humility. When both members of a marriage humble themselves, they become reasonable and responsive. Positive change begins immediately.

Some years ago I had to rush my wife to the hospital. Extreme pain from an internal problem caused symptoms of shock. Immediately on our arrival the medical staff wheeled her into a treatment room. They punctured the vein in her arm to start an intravenous drip. Almost instantly Diane felt better and the symptoms of shock lessened. Humbling ourselves to God and one another has the same effect. It hurts, but it begins the healing process.

Pride is the real enemy of marital harmony. It makes us irritable people, easily offended by the simplest, most insignificant things. Does it really matter if your husband squeezes the toothpaste differently than you do? Does your wife always have to wake up before you do? Do you absolutely have to have everything done your way? Pride and self-centeredness make us rigid, inflexible people. How can we adjust to someone else if we can’t flex a little?

Is your mate married to a pharisee? Is your pride causing you to strain at gnats and swallow camels? To find out, let’s examine some characteristics of a pharisee’s mentality:

  • Pharisees are perfectionists. Everything must be done their way, and only their way. We call that attitude intolerance.
  • Pharisees lose their temper over small mistakes. They get angry over issues that would seem unimportant to another person.
  • Pharisees are judges. Jesus called this the “splinter and log” way of thinking. They become experts on their spouse’s minor shortcomings, but ignore their own major ones. By using this tactic they can shift the attention from their own sinful attitudes to the weaknesses of their husband or wife.
  • Pharisees manipulate other people. They cannot feel good about life unless they have everyone under their control. There is no end to their tactics, but one of the worst is their use of a super-spiritual attitude to make others conform to their wishes.
  • Pharisees seldom experience true happiness, true joy, or true rest in their relationships. They are just too busy seeing problems, defending themselves, and blaming everyone else.
  • Pharisees often have external order and internal disorder. Jesus said they wash the outside of the cup but ignore the inside. Pharisee husbands and pharisee wife consume a lot of energy keeping up appearances and saving face. Sometimes they fool people, at least for a while. Eventually, though, their acquaintances begin to see the truth.

Without question, pharisees are hard to please, hard to enjoy, and hard to live with. They themselves are seldom happy, but they are too proud to admit it.

At this point in an article I usually give my readers some helpful hints, but I don’t think I can do that this time. There’s just one cure for the illness I have described: husbands and wives must humble themselves. Did you know that no one else can humble you, and that you cannot humble another person? You can humiliate them, but you cannot force them to become humble. So here is my advice to you. It’s taken right James, chapter 4, verse 6:

“But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

Notice the promise for those who humble themselves: God gives grace! In human relationships, what does grace do? It makes us tolerant of failures. It keeps us from being self-centered and self-righteous. It removes the pressure that comes when two proud, unyielding people try to control one another. True humility (and the grace it brings) activates love in our lives. We cannot love without grace and we cannot love when pride controls us. So grace makes love possible.

If both husband and wife humble themselves what results will they see? Positive change will be easier, and quicker. Tension will decrease and joy will increase. They will see themselves more accurately and will become far less irritable.

Wouldn’t you love to have a marriage like that? If so, let’s pray this prayer:

“Father, you have made grace abundantly available to us, but our pride has kept us from experiencing it. We humble ourselves to you and ask you to forgive us. Give us your grace and change us from faultfinders to faithful partners. Amen.”

Spiritual Intimacy

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The Power Core

All your life as a couple will be influenced by the vitality and centrality of your spiritual life. Because of that, your relationship with God should be more than a compartment of your marriage, like one room in your house. Your relationship with God should be the core of your lives and the core of your marriage.

It’s like the nucleus of an atom. The nucleus keeps the particles that surround it in their proper orbits. Without it, there is no atom. Likewise, our connection with God holds the facets of our lives together in proper balance. Then every part of our marriage will show the transforming power and influence of our relationship with God through Christ Jesus.

But we must choose, for having our relationship with God at the center of our life and our marriage doesn’t happen automatically.

Three Possible Cores

Imagine three men wearing t-shirts. The first man is wearing a bright red t-shirt with one word in large letters on the front. It says, ME. The second man is wearing a beige t-shirt with the word, THEM. The third man is wearing a white t-shirt with the word, GOD.

For the first man the central question of life is “What will please me?” When we live only to answer that question, when it is the prime motivator of our life, we become self-centered. You can see what damage that orientation could have in a marriage. Self-centered people know little about love. They will sacrifice true unity to get what they want. They are takers, not givers. With this orientation marriage becomes a battle of wits, with each partner trying to out-maneuver the other.

For the second man, the central question of life becomes “What will please them?” Pleasing others can be a noble impulse for our actions, but as the prime motivator of our life it is really no better than the first question. Motivated by this question we become people who would sacrifice our convictions and our relationships just to ensure acceptance by “them,” whoever “them” might be. It is dangerous for you, and for your marriage.

Now let’s look at the third man. For him the central question of life is, “What will please God?” When that becomes our central question, and we live to answer it, our lives develop focus and peace. God created each of us to live lives that answer that question through our attitudes, actions, and relationships. That is our destiny. And we only experience true fulfillment when we know our true destiny.

Leo Tolstoy, the renowned Russian author, had come to such a place of desperation in his life that the thought of suicide plagued him. Tolstoy was prosperous, learned, a member of a privileged class, yet he could find no real reason for his existence. To the question, “What is the meaning of life?” he had no satisfying answer. He lived in that unsettled condition until he was in his fifties. Then, after years of searching, he found meaning and a reason for his life in Christ.

Can We Really Know What Pleases God?

You might think, “How can we know what would please God? He’s way up there, and we are just tiny humans.” Good news! God has provided all that we need to live a life that pleases him.

He sent Jesus to die for us, raised him from death, and made him King of everything, forever. When we believe in Jesus we become new persons. If we allow it, the power of that newness works its way into every segment of our lives, transforming our attitudes, actions, and relationships . . . our whole outlook.

We have other resources, too. God puts His Spirit in us to enable us to live a life that pleases Him, blesses others, and brings us a level of fulfillment that we can have in no other way. He has given us the Bible, a handbook for living a life that pleases God. And He connects us with other believers so that we build each other up and help each other along.

With the right question at the core of our lives, and with the wonderful resources that God has given us, we can live lives that please God no matter what circumstances we are in. Our marriages will be healthier and we will be happier. Even more, others will experience the benefits, for when we pursue God’s Kingdom the effect reaches our children, our friends and neighbors, our colleagues, and our churches.

Will you, right now, make pleasing God the central motivation of your life? And will you, as a couple, make the same decision? You may both be believers in Jesus, but perhaps you have locked him in a room of your relationship. You don’t allow him to influence all of your marriage. Give him the place of influence only he deserves. Make Jesus your nucleus. You will see the dramatic difference in your lives and your marriage.

The apostle Paul had much to say about pleasing God. I have arranged some of his statements together, for the purpose of impact, in the following paragraph:

“And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will accept. When you think of what he has done for you, is this too much to ask? Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is. Our aim is to please him always, whether we are here in this body or away from this body. He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live to please themselves. Instead, they will live to please Christ, who died and was raised for them. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful desires will harvest the consequences of decay and death. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. Try to find out what is pleasing to the Lord. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and you will continually do good, kind things for others. All the while, you will learn to know God better and better. For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases him.

Caring for the Core

The spiritual core of our lives and marriages needs care and development. How do we do that? How do we strengthen our desire to please God? The answer is through practicing spiritual disciplines. Now, please! Don’t let that word scare you. I am not suggesting legalism. As Dallas Willard says, disciplines are simply the things we do to make it possible to achieve a goal.

Every valuable accomplishment results from disciplines. If you ever won an important race, you won because you trained. If you got good exam results, you got them because you studied. If you play an instrument well enough that others want to hear you, it’s because you practiced. Farmers practice disciplines to get a good yield from their seed. And every battle is won because the soldiers trained for victory.

Our goal is to have a strong relationship with God, through Christ, at the core of our lives and our marriage. Spiritual disciplines help keep the desire to please God strong in us. People who practice them find that thinking, acting, and speaking in a way that pleases God becomes their custom.

Foundational Spiritual Exercises

Personal Prayer and Supportive Prayer

  • Have some personal time with God every day.
  • Pray together if you can, but if you cannot, at least pray for one another.
  • Use Scriptures to pray for each other, asking God’s blessing on your husband or wife in every area of his or her life.
  • Pray for health as well as healing, constant freedom from past hurts, ongoing development of spiritual gifts and God-given abilities, and growth in wisdom.
  • Pray with thanksgiving and pray believing God will make a difference.
  • When you make decisions, especially big ones, agree to pray about it for a set time. God will help you know what is best.

Practice God’s Presence

Remember that Jesus said, “I am with you always.” You are, everyday of your life, surrounded by God’s presence. Sometimes you are more aware of His presence, but he is always near. Turn your thoughts to him frequently throughout the day.

Study and Meditate in the Word of God

God’s Word will renew our minds and help us understand God’s will. It will nourish us like good food nourishes our bodies. It will cleanse our minds, help us to live for what is really important, and equip us for involvement in God’s work. As Paul said, “Let the words of Christ, in all their richness, live in your hearts and make you wise. Use his words to teach and counsel each other. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts.” (Colossians 3:16, New Living Translation)

Be a Part of a Loving, Biblically Sound Local Church

As a couple you will need time with other couples who are living for God’s glory. A loving, biblically sound local church provides just the right environment for you to grow as a couple.

It also gives you a place to discover the special ways God wants to use you. Every man and woman bring their own gifts and talents to the marriage relationship. In marriage God blends our gifts and talents, but we maintain our individuality.

With the right core and with a mutual determination to care for that core, you and your spouse will become all God wants you to be. You will bless many others, and your life will shine with Christ’s light. That’s a promise!

Forgiveness – What It Is and What It Is Not

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In my last article on forgiveness I stressed that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. I hope you took that to heart and put it into practice. If you did you are probably seeing the results already.

Now let’s look at some common misconceptions about forgiveness.

Forgiveness and Liking

Forgiveness doesn’t mean we have to like the person. After all, some people are not likable.

Shirley has a husband who treats her, on most days, like a dog, and on all days like a servant. Never has this man told her he loves her. Never does he value her, appreciate her, or encourage her. In public he talks of their marriage enthusiastically, but that talk is only for the audience. Shirley’s husband has insulted her, rejected her . . . even beat her.

Because of her peculiar circumstances, leaving home isn’t possible. Neither can she throw him out. So Shirley works through her anger, her hurt, and her outrage. She forgives her husband, but she doesn’t like him. How could she?

Amazingly, and with God’s help, she does love him, even though this man treats his wife as though he is her enemy. She would love him as a friend and even as a lover, if only her husband would let her. Unfortunately he is too proud and too broken to get the help that would change him. Shirley cannot like her husband, but she can still forgive him.

Forgiveness and Forgetting

What does it mean to forgive and forget? It means you no longer allow the offence to affect your life and relationship negatively. As an example, think about Paul’s words in Philippians, chapter three. In the first few verses of the chapter, he recalls, in detail, his life before Christ apprehended him and saved him. Then, in verse thirteen, he gives us his strategy for dealing with the offences of his past:

“ . . . forgetting the past and straining forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize, for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven.” (Philippians 3:13, Today’s Living Bible)

Paul remembered his past life as a persecutor, and no doubt some of those memories still brought pain. Yet he also said that he forgot his past. We might say that because of the forgiveness Paul experienced, he could remember redemptively. He remembered, but he remembered as a man forgiven, not a man condemned. When we forgive or are forgiven, memories may remain, but the memories can have a positive effect on our present experience and our future expectations.

Wrongs and Sins

The Bible, in its characteristically honest way, recounts a very dark moment in King David’s life. David, king of Israel, sees Bathsheba, the wife of a loyal general, bathing. Her husband is away at war, so David invites her over for dinner. But it isn’t food David hungers for that night.

Things happen. In time, Bathsheba discovers she is pregnant. David, fearing the consequences, invites Uriah, Bathsheba’s husband, to take a break from battle and come home. He’s thinking that Uriah and his wife will do what comes naturally, and Uriah will think he is the father of the unborn child.

Uriah is much too honorable for something like that. At David’s order He does come home, but he refuses to sleep with his wife. He feels that a good general could never give himself such pleasure when his men are risking their lives in heated battle. An upstanding man, worthy of a long and distinguished life.

David still has the problem of how to handle his adultery. So David, king of Israel, writer of many Psalms, arranges to have Uriah- fine, honest Uriah- murdered. I don’t know where you could find a more terrible crime.

David thinks that ends the matter. But one day Nathan the prophet visits. Nathan tells David that God knows the whole affair and will judge him. During this awful period of his life, David writes one of his most penetrating poems, Psalm 51. Notice these words from the fourth verse of that psalm: “Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.”

David had committed horrible wrongs against Bathsheba and Uriah. Perhaps David asked Bathsheba to forgive him, but we don’t know. He could not have asked Uriah, because Uriah had died in the ambush David arranged. What we do know is that David, with a broken heart, pleaded with God for forgiveness because he had sinned against Him.

Here is the important issue: Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that person does not have to go to God for forgiveness. We forgive the wrongs done to us. Only God can forgive the sin.

If you have hurt your husband or wife, you can ask forgiveness for the hurt, but you still need forgiveness from God for the sin. Take both steps and healing will begin.

Forgiveness and Trust

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we have to trust the person. Why? Because you cannot trust someone who is not trustworthy.

I sent my car to a mechanic. He did some work, but also broke some things. His bad workmanship cost me hundreds of dollars. I have forgiven him for that, but it would be crazy for me to trust him with my car again.
If the mechanic called me and apologized; if he admitted that he did not really know what he was doing; if he told me he would like to make it good; then I could trust him again.

In American movies you sometimes hear this warning: “Watch your back!” It means that there is danger all around and you must not let down your guard. Ask Shirley if she trusts her husband and she will tell you she does not– at least not in the important matters. But still she forgives him and loves him as much as she can, and maybe as much as he will allow her.

Consider what Paul wrote to his dear friend Timothy: “Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm. The Lord will repay him for what he has done. You too should be on your guard against him, because he strongly opposed our message.” (II Timothy 4:14-15, NIV)

We may never know whether Paul had forgiven Alexander, but if he practiced what he preached, he did. Yet he knew that Alexander could not be trusted, so he warned Timothy to watch his back.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

This could be the most difficult aspect of forgiveness to understand. We automatically assume that when we forgive, we reconcile. But that is not always possible. Some people are stubborn. They would rather stay separated, nursing their hurts. We reach out and ask them to forgive us, extending an open hand. They cross their arms, turn, and walk away. We want to reconcile, but they do not.

Paul addresses this issue in Romans, chapter twelve: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18, NIV)

Shirley repeatedly forgives her husband. But he never responds as she would hope. When the offender doesn’t give us grounds for reconciliation, we can still forgive even though the offender does not respond positively. We are extending an open invitation of restoration even though they do not respond.

Forgiveness and Privileges

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we automatically restore all privileges that were forfeited through the offence. Suppose a woman’s husband is unfaithful to her. Wanting to do the Christian thing, she goes to her pastor for counsel. The pastor, a compassionate man, though perhaps too legalistic, tells her to forgive her husband. So far so good. Then she asks, “Does that mean I have to share my body with him, although he is still going to bed with the other woman?” The pastor, thinking he is doing the right thing, tells her she must allow her husband to have sex with her.

Many of us would disagree with that counsel. We would encourage this lady to forgive her husband, but to also insist on his faithfulness. He doesn’t get her sexual pleasures until hers are the only ones he gets. In this day of rampant, sexually transmitted diseases, there is even more reason to follow that path.

Real Offenses or Imaginary

If we find ourselves constantly forgiving, we may be too easily offended, too touchy. You might be hypersensitive at certain times. If you are stretched tight, like a violin string, it doesn’t take much to get a squeal out of you. In times like that we need understanding, patience, and maybe a little extra help from our husband or wife. We can also find out what we can do to lessen the pressure, if possible.

“Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (I Corinthians 13:5, NIV) In every way, love is the opposite of selfishness.

Revenge or Forgiveness

Revenge is never the best choice, because revenge is not redemptive. “My husband just invited forty-five friends of his for a party!” the young wife living next door moaned. “I could kill him!” I don’t blame her for thinking about it, and I doubt a jury of women would convict her if she did.

I don’t think her husband needs to worry about waking up dead some morning, but there are more subtle forms of revenge. She could embarrass him in front of his friends, maybe burn the burgers and cremate the hot dogs. She could withhold sexual pleasures. She could go on a spending spree and put it all on his charge card. And she could justify her revenge by saying, “He deserves it!”

If she is wise, our young friend won’t try to get even. Getting even does not help. Ever. Revenge can backfire. In Nigeria they have a saying: “You do me, I do you!” That describes the problem perfectly. Both parties try to make the last strike, the ultimate blow, and only injure each other more.

Accepting Forgiveness from God

We see much fuzzy, pseudo spiritual thinking these days. Some writers like to make a case for forgiving yourself. It’s good for you, they say. I would agree to a point. The problem is that they do not acknowledge God. I know that without God’s forgiveness, and the forgiveness of the offended party, I cannot experience freedom in my soul. I also know that I can beat myself up for a long time, even when my God and my friend have forgiven me.

Forgiving yourself means that you put the offensive, embarrassing behavior behind you. You can’t do that until you know God has forgiven you. Even so, to keep bashing yourself does not please God any more than your sin does. Let it go.

Life is a challenge. In our attempt to cope and to relate, we all cause pain and we all get hurt. Jesus gave us the key to healing in these words, “Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. Stop criticizing others, or it will all come back on you. If you forgive others, you will be forgiven.” (Luke 6:37, New Living Translation)

Forgive! It’s best for you, best for the offender, and best for your marriage. Forgiveness may not fix everything, but it’s the best preparation for further repair.

Forgiveness Leads to Restoration

Although forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to like, trust, reconcile, or restore, forgiveness opens the door to trusting, liking, reconciling, and restoring. If we truly forgive, we will be open to all positive possibilities.

Dallas Willard, noted professor of philosophy at the University of Southern California, says that all of us live with each other on the basis of mutual mercy. He is right. All of us make many mistakes. If we did not forgive we would live in a constant state of alienation and anger.

Jesus tells us that we must forgive because God has forgiven us. Why not do your part to become a more forgiving person?

 

Decide to Forgive

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Let’s update an old nursery rhyme:

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown . . .
And Jill never let him forget how clumsy he was!

Poor Jack! He needed a wife who would comfort him, but instead he got pounded. Who knows why? Maybe his accident (and the resulting trip to the emergency room) interrupted an appointment at the beauty salon. Maybe his clumsiness had always embarrassed her. Who knows?

Every husband needs a forgiving wife, every wife a forgiving husband. The reason is obvious: we need forgiving because we make mistakes. That would explain two interesting facts in the Bible:

  • Fact one: God’s Word urges us to pursue perfection, to grow and mature in grace, and to become like Jesus.
  • Fact two: The Bible also teaches us to forgive one another. On the road of life we step on many toes, so we need to forgive and to receive forgiveness.

Knowing how much we need forgiving, you would think we would quickly forgive those who hurt us or let us down. It doesn’t work that way. We humans minimize many of our own errors and maximize the errors of others. We like to keep our offender roasting awhile before we turn off the fire of our anger and indignation. Many of us would never think of refusing forgiveness, but we surely don’t mind making the offender uncomfortable first.

Then there are other issues. How do I know when I have forgiven? How am I supposed to feel after I have forgiven? Have I forgiven if I still remember the offence or still feel pain? What needs forgiving? It’s enough to confuse a philosopher, let alone simple people like us.

Now let’s add the marriage relationship to those points. We know each other well and we often repeat our mistakes. So, how often am I to forgive my spouse for the same thing? Fifty times? One hundred? For many of us, one hundred isn’t even close to the number of times we have repeated some errors. I’m not talking about the little irritations like squeezing the tooth paste tube in the wrong way. In our ongoing attempts to love each other, we have repeatedly hurt each other.

Through our many years of marriage and ministry, Diane and I have developed some sound principles about forgiving. Lewis Smedes’ excellent book, The Art of Forgiving, has helped me focus and clarify those principles.

In this article, we’ll consider a few important facts of forgiveness. Please continue to read the next article for much more on what forgiveness is and what it is not.

Forgiveness and Feelings

“I do not feel like forgiving him,” the lady complained. I understand. When a friend or spouse has hurt us deeply, who feels like forgiving? Here’s some good news for you: you can forgive before you feel like doing it. You just have to decide to do it. That’s right. Forgiveness is a decision.

Many of us wait for the magical moment to forgive, when our emotions are right. Sometimes that moment never comes.

When an intimate friend hurts us, the pain can last a long time. But the moment we decide to forgive, the pain will start to decrease. Until we take that step, until we decide, we are like someone with an infected splinter. The infection spreads, becoming more dangerous, even deadly! Every part of our marriage feels the effects of unforgiveness.

I remember a young man who attended school with our sons. I saw him in the school clinic one day with a knee swollen to the size of a grapefruit. He had pricked his knee on a thorn. It was a small thing, hardly noticeable . . . at first. Eventually, the doctor had to lance his knee with a scalpel and drain the infection. Once he did, pain decreased and healing began.

Forgiveness is like that. Until we forgive, infection intensifies, but when we forgive, healing happens.

That is our first lesson on forgiveness. You can decide to forgive. Will you do that today? Yes, there are many other issues to consider, but your best, first step is simply to choose to forgive. If the painful feelings hang around, just keep affirming that you have forgiven.

You might even think about writing it down somewhere, maybe even send yourself an email:

Dear Self,

Today, at 9:27 in the morning, I decided to forgive ______________. I will not turn back from this decision no matter how I feel.

All the best to you as you forgive and find the freedom it brings.

To learn more about forgiveness from the Christian perspective, please be sure to read the next article: Forgiveness- What It Is and What It Is Not