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Marriage and Sex- The Private Garden

by Mike Constantine

This is the third in a series that I call The Three Loves. In the first we discussed Fence Love, a love that protects marital intimacy. In the second we talked about friendship in marriage. In this article we will think about sexual love in marriage.

For married couples, sex can be either great or a great challenge. Take a moment to read some actual comments we have received from husbands and wives who have attended our seminars:

“We’ve been married only a year and my husband hasn’t touched me in months! I want his affection; I want to make love to the man I married.” (from a Chinese Malaysian wife)

“Asian Women! They are so cold and uninterested in sex.” (from a Chinese Malaysian husband)

“We’re just too busy, too tired, and have too many responsibilities. By the end of the day there’s just no energy . . . and not much desire!”

“My wife was very responsive before we had children, but now it seems they are more important than I am. We seldom have sex, and when we do we just can’t seem to enjoy it.

Those comments, and many more like them, come from nice, normal people. Yet they are frustrated because of the sexual condition of their marriages. It takes a lot of pressure for anyone to talk about something as personal as sex, so I assume the problem is quite serious when they finally do speak to us.

What happened to the passion? Like dew that evaporates in the heat of the sun, sexual passion disappears under the harsh glare of day-to-day realities and necessities. But unlike the dew, it doesn’t always reappear when the pace slows and the day cools down.

Sex? In the Bible?

The Bible has some very special passages for husbands and wives that have the power to ignite their sexual yearning for each other. Yes, the Bible speaks to us about sex. In fact, the Bible has much to say and says it with beauty and passion. Consider the following verses from Song of Songs and Proverbs:

From Song of Songs, chapter four, verse twelve: “My sweetheart, my bride, is a secret garden, a walled garden, a private spring . . .”

Verse sixteen of the same chapter: “Wake up, North Wind and South Wind, blow on my garden; fill the air with fragrance. Let my lover come to his garden and eat the best of its fruits.”

Chapter five, verse one: “I have entered my garden, my sweetheart, my bride. I am gathering my spices and myrrh; I am eating my honey and honeycomb; I am drinking my wine and milk.”

From Proverbs, chapter five, verses fifteen to eighteen: “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.”

Secret, walled gardens with private springs; fragrances carried from the garden on the winds; spices and myrrh; honey and honeycomb; wine and milk. What does it all mean? It means that the biblical writers had some very fervent, very beautiful things to say about the sexual relationship between husband and wife.

God created both man and woman with the ability to give and receive sexual pleasure. We are designed to arouse and to be aroused. Therefore, our sexual relationship should bring pleasure to both husband and wife. The Creator never intended sex to be a pleasure for one (usually the husband) and a problem, or pain, for the other.

Great sex is a gift from God to every married couple. That may seem strange to you, but only because most of us have such a limited understanding of what makes an activity holy. In our minds holy means religious. Thankfully, sex is not religious. But when enjoyed in the covenant of marriage, it is holy.

Some African cultures practice female genital mutilation, a horrible, barbaric, procedure. I mention it for this reason: the purpose of this mutilation is to make it impossible for a woman to enjoy intercourse. They believe that sexual enjoyment (at least for the woman!) is dangerous and could lead to unfaithfulness. The concept is not based on the teachings of any religion that I am aware of.

Using the same reasoning, why not burn out our taste buds so we don’t overindulge in food? Or perhaps we should blind our eyes so we cannot worship what we see. Or puncture our eardrums so we cannot hear music and fall in love with it.

Do you see? Those physical capacities are God-given. They need regulation, but God designed them to give us pleasure. Food tastes good. The sounds of life inspire us. There is beauty, all around, for the seeing. And, for a married couple, there is sexual enjoyment as a gift from a wonderful, loving God.

Private, Therefore Special

What makes the sexual relationship in marriage so exciting? Notice what Solomon said about his bride. She is his secret garden, his private spring. That is the secret. Sex is private, something so intimate that a marriage covenant must protect it. It is the ultimate intimate experience shared by two lovers in a unique marital relationship. Sex is an expression of commitment, not just an opportunity for excitement.

In marriage man and woman give each other exclusive entry to their secret gardens of sexual desire and fulfillment. They share springs of passion with each other which they will never share with any other person. Our marriage covenant creates walls around our private garden.

The husband and wife unlock their secret gardens, releasing the springs of passion in each other. They are refreshed by each other’s springs. The pleasure is theirs alone, for only they have the keys and the permission to unlock each other’s desires.

Some married people use sex as a reward or withhold it as a punishment. To do that is to abuse something which God designed as a celebration of marital unity. How can we give each other the keys to our private gardens, then, as punishment, refuse each other? How much better to forgive each other and celebrate deep love through sexual intimacy.

It would be great for newlyweds to perform a ceremony of the keys. At some point in the wedding service, or perhaps better, on their first night together as a married couple, they would exchange two small, beautifully fashioned keys, perhaps made from gold or silver.

The keys symbolize that they are giving and receiving entry to a private garden. They would vow to never deny one another entry to that garden. They would agree to treat their sexual relationship with honor, tenderness, and understanding. They would assure one another that the keys they have exchanged are one-of-a-kind, never to be copied.

It is the privacy, the uniqueness of sexual intimacy, that makes it such a powerful expression of love. In sexual love, a husband and wife give each other a gift, a lavish gift, that no one else can give to either of them. Couples who give and receive that gift in a mutually satisfying way will always have a secret glow in their marriage.

Since marital sex is such a wonderful expression of love, why do some couples neglect it? Why do we hear the comments you read at the beginning of this article? The answers are many, and often complex, but here are some common problems:

We forget the great value of our sexual intimacy. Unless we know the value of a thing, we will not make time for it. Studies show that couples who are sexually satisfied tend to have happier marriages in every other way, too.

We are always too tired or too busy. True, you may be too tired to make love some nights, but I have a solution for you. Make an appointment! “Sorry, darling, but I am just too tired. How about an appointment? Same time, same place, tomorrow night.” By doing that you create anticipation, an aphrodisiac that is stronger than anything you can buy in a Chinese medicine shop, and much cheaper than Viagra. All the next day you’ll be thinking about the treat that awaits both of you that evening. It works.

Another solution to tiredness is to simply forget you are tired, at least for a few minutes, and make love anyway. You don’t always have to feel sexually alive to start the process. Wise couples learn that sex can be very fulfilling even in the tired times. You’ll probably sleep better, too.

Like the rest of marriage, developing mutually satisfying sexual love means that a couple adapt and adjust to each other. Sexual gratification is a gift they give and receive. They learn how to do that in each stage of their marriage, but never let the fire die because of neglect or distraction. They are the keepers of the flame.

In the sequel to George Bernard Shaw’s play, Pygmalion, he describes a feeling that many married people will understand:

“She is immensely interested in him. She has even secret, mischievous moments in which she wishes she could get him alone, on a desert island, away from all ties and with nobody else in the world to consider, and just drag him off his pedestal and see him making love like any common man.”

The woman he speaks of is Eliza. The man is a stuffy professor named Higgins. Many husbands and wives want what Eliza secretly wished for. They long for times to forget other roles and responsibilities, if even for a few moments, and just be lovers.

Here’s a true story: a husband and wife climb into bed. The wife snuggles up to her husband, hoping to arouse his interest in making love. But the husband, a workaholic, lays there, hands behind his head, eyes focused on the ceiling, puzzling over some work-related problem. The wife has had it! She pokes him in the ribs to get his attention, then exclaims, “Kick your company out of bed, Mr. Managing Director. It’s just your wife in here!”

Keep the fire alive. Celebrate your intimacy.

An Afterword:

As every marriage counselor will tell you, a couple’s sex life is a concentrated reflection of their entire marriage. Because of that, I could not address all possible sexual problems a couple might have. If you and your spouse have deeper problems than what we have addressed here, get some detailed help by reading a good book on the subject of sexual intimacy or perhaps speaking with a trustworthy counselor.

Think, Act, Pray

1. Are you satisfied with the frequency and variety of your sexual relationship?

2. Complete this statement: “Our sexual relationship would be better if . . .”

3. The Golden Rule for Life is to treat others the way you want to be treated. How could a couple apply that rule to their lovemaking?

 

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: celebration of intimacy, intimacy, marriage, passion, sex

How Healthy is Your Marriage?

by Mike Constantine

An epidemic is sweeping the world. If this epidemic were medical in nature, if it was, for instance, a deadly virus that brought a painful death, the world’s citizens would fight it with every weapon and tactic. But this epidemic doesn’t cause sickness and death, at least not directly.

This is an epidemic of lifeless, joyless marriages and homes. It represents a social and spiritual catastrophe, a rising tide of broken relationships and broken people. You will find the symptoms in every country, in every culture, in all economic conditions. Sometimes it leads to divorce, sometimes only to chronic tension and unhappiness.

The technical word for this sickness is dysfunctional, as in, “They have a dysfunctional relationship.” But let’s not get too technical. Dysfunctional simply means, according to the Oxford Dictionary, not operating normally or properly. In other words, these marriages are broken and needing repair. How badly broken? How much repair do they need? It varies, but generally speaking, the longer the problems have been neglected, the more damage there is to repair.

You might think that some couples are immune, but that is not true. Whatever their station in life, whatever their financial situation, whatever their religion or spiritual condition, no one is immune. Business leaders or clerks, pastors or church members, rich or poor, marital breakdowns happen to them all. It can even happen to you.

How Healthy is Your Marriage?

Take a look at the statements that follow and evaluate your marriage. But one word of warning! It is so easy to use these statements to find fault with your husband or wife. Don’t do it, please.

Instead, ask yourself what you could do to bring a positive change in each area. Better yet, ask your partner to do the evaluation too. Then both of you can decide ways to make the marriage you have the marriage you really want.

Here are eight indicators that help determine the health of a marriage. After reading each indicator, write down the number that best indicates your rating for your marriage today. Be as honest as you can.

1. A general sense of tension in your marriage relationship. All marriages have tense moments, even tense times, but constant tension suggests unresolved problems. The normal condition of a healthy marriage is peace, not tension.

Tension:

Occasional 2——–4——–6——-8 Constant

2. A decrease in laughter and overall happiness. Joy is also the normal condition of a healthy marriage, yet some couples cannot remember the last time both were joyful in their marriage. Rather than energizing them, their marriage drains them. How about your marriage? Do you laugh with each other? Does anything about your relationship bring you joy? When was the last time that simply thinking about your husband or wife brought a smile to your face?

Joyful:

Usually 2——–4——–6——-8 Seldom

3. You are easily distracted and find it hard to give one another your complete attention.Occasional distractions happen to everyone. If you have children, you will have more distractions. Wise couples learn how to focus on their relationship, planning time to pay special attention to each other. Couples in danger believe the lie that there is no time to find. Can you identify with this comment from one of our seminar attendees?

I cannot remember when we had our last heart-to-heart talk. We act like everything else is more important than special times for ourselves. Our lives are a swarm of urgent demands clamoring for our attention.

Distracted:

Seldom 2——–4——–6——-8 Usually

4. Electronic media takes the place of face-to-face communication. TV can entertain, educate, and enlighten. But do you ever use the TV to avoid each other? Does the TV or the internet dictate your daily schedule? Do you have the willpower to turn them off and do something more helpful for your marriage?

Electronic Media:

Right amount 2——–4——–6——-8 Too Much

5. As a couple, you are not communicating effectively. Every couple develops their own patterns of communication, but sometimes those patterns are unhealthy. If you have put each other in solitary confinement, if you no longer take the time to discuss important concerns, you are in danger.

Communication:

Discuss 2——–4——–6——-8 Avoid

6. Sexual intimacy has become more a bother, less a blessing. Sexual fulfillment is one of Gods most exciting gifts to married couples. A healthy sexual relationship strengthens intimacy, relieves tension, and is fun! Do you both feel sexually satisfied in your marriage?

Sexual Satisfaction:

Fulfilled 2——–4——–6——-8 Frustrated

7. Little things make you angry. You are easily irritated. Irritability develops when we neglect intimacy. We find the tone of our voice becoming more sharp. We get offended easily. We avoid each other.

Anger and Irritation:

Seldom 2——–4——–6——-8 Chronic

8. You and your spouse have separate agendas, but no common activities. One couple we know look great to casual acquaintances. Nice home, prosperous, active in church and very involved in their careers. But if you scanned their date books you would notice that they have no time for each other or for their relationship. In fact, they had developed separate lives. It doesnt happen in a moment. It happens when we stop thinking as a couple and only think about our individual lives, careers, and activities.

Togetherness:

Healthy 2——–4——–6——-8 Little or None

Now add up your score. If you scored:

20 or less- You have a great marriage and are mutually fulfilled in it.

21 to 39- You have a good marriage, but it could be great with just a little extra attention.

40 to 49– You are experiencing significant stress in your marriage, and little fulfillment.

50 and Above- You are probably unhappily married. Scores this high usually indicate a severely neglected marriage.

Can couples have a high score and still stay together? Yes, for divorce is only one way couples deal with a declining marriage. Some remain married legally, but let their marriages die relationally. They keep up appearances, but there is pain in their eyes and voices, especially in their unguarded moments.

Good news! You can change if you want to change.

How do you show each other you really want to change? Pick one area in your marriage that needs work and find something you can do to make it better. For instance, if you’re having too much face time with Facebook, turn it off, find your spouse, and do something together that you will both enjoy.

Take a walk. Have a talk. Watch a movie. Read a book. Sit quietly and closely. Dream together. Then, do it again tomorrow. Use your imagination. Just make sure you both do something that helps. And keep it positive.

You need to rediscover each other as friends, so can the criticisms. Some of your irritations will die on their own if you starve them.

Think, Act, Pray

1. Which warning signal would be the easiest one for you to improve in your own marriage?

2. Which warning signal do you think would be the hardest to improve? Why?

3. What could both of you do, starting today, to make your marriage more healthy?

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: communication, distraction, dysfunctional, healthy marriage, irritation, joy, media, sex, tension, togetherness

珍惜等待

by Mike Constantine

有些事情你一生只能经历一次,这是非常简单的道理,也是事实。第一次 只有一次。你希望自己的第一次性经历的对象是会和你步入礼堂、共渡 一生的人吗?你难道希望婚后还想着以前和其他人的性经历呢?

性是神圣的,正因如此,上帝才禁止人们在非婚姻的其他关系中发生性关 系,这是明智的决定。性是强大的,需要全身心的投入,正因如此,才 需要最牢固的承诺来保护,而不是被滥用。这种承诺就是婚姻。受婚姻保护的性才是安全的,没有婚姻的性却是危险的。

从生理的角度来讲,人类从十一、二岁就可以开始性行为。但是结婚却要 等到20多岁,甚至更晚。这就是说,在我们拥有享受婚姻性爱的权力 之前,很久之前,我们就已经有了性能力和欲望。

一位信奉上帝的朋友深信上帝犯了个错误— —他不该在我们结婚前多年就赋予我们荷尔蒙。朋友 说,如果当时由他来做规划,他会让人类等到21岁的那一天才激活他们的荷尔蒙,第二天便要求他们马上结婚。当然,他只是说笑而已,但是我不禁想知道,是不 是有什么特别原因才使上帝这样创造我们?有一件事我很清楚,结婚前很久就拥有性的能力和欲望给了我们锻炼自控和自律的绝佳机会。

生活中的其它事情也是如此。我们可以利用自己身体上的优势去伤害别 人。很难说身体上的优势或不足是坏事还是好事。但是我们可以学着控制 自己的优势,在适当的时候正确地应用它,像性能力,你要么控制它,如果放任自流,则可能伤害他人或自己。

人们一旦意识到某件事有危险性,就会下意识地与此危险尽量保持距离。 你有没有听过“莽夫”一 词?它用于形容那些轻率行事,将自己暴露于极其危险境地中的人。很多人会为“莽夫”的行为喝彩,有些甚至花大价 钱去看莽夫们做危险刺激的事。这样是很容易引人注意,但确不是什么好的生活方式。

两位司机驾车经过一个危险的弯道,第一位转弯非常猛,他在挑战自己和 汽车的极限,一边的车轮刚刚悬在弯道边缘。第二位在接近弯道时就开 始减速,并且尽量地远离路边,小心谨慎地驾离弯道。请问哪一位才是明智的?那位莽夫?还是小心谨慎的那一位?惊险刺激的行为让人激动,但是另一位却是真正 的好司机。

为什么要尝试危险?为什么要将自己置于性爱所带来的危险当中?为什么 要让自己的遭受精神和意志上的压力— —能轻易让你的精神崩溃的压力?你屈服了,而在你自己意识到这一点之前,你已经被卷入了你发誓结婚之前都不想经历的事情中。

在机会来临之前,你就必须决定你将如何行事。这意味着你应该制订一套 自己的行为准则,并保证遵守。这意味着为你的感情关系设定一些你认 为重要的原则。这意味着当你的抵抗能力受到挑战时,不要高估了自己忍受性爱所带来的压力的能力。

为什么有那么多司机在弯道上发生交通事故?原因很多:开得太快了;高 估了自己的驾驶能力或车辆的性能;喝醉了;路面很滑;驾驶时分心。 同样的危险也将导致性爱事故。一对发展得太快的情侣,他们高估了自己的自控能力,他们被激情蒙住了眼睛,他们前进的路面很滑,他们没有集中注意。

记住,只要是婚前你同其他人尝试过的事情,婚后就无法再和你的终生伴 侣去分享第一次了。有些事情是值得等待的,所以,请好自为之。

 

SC CfL- Value of Waiting

Filed Under: SC, SC-CfL Tagged With: sex

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