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In-Laws or Out-Laws

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After reading, Extended Family, please answer the following questions..

1. Will you be living with your parents? If so, whose parents will you be living with?

 

2. Do you anticipate any strain in your marriage because of the parents you are staying with?

 

3. For the man: Who is the most important woman in your life? Will your answer change after marriage?

 

4. How much of your income, if any, will you be giving to your extended family members?

 

5. What does the underlined part of this statement mean to you: “For this cause a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and the two will be one flesh.” Genesis 2:24

 

Honor, Respect, and Love
The Keys to Understanding Your Future in-laws

Here are some specific pointers to help you have a great relationship with your in-laws.

Pray
Ask God to bless them and your relationship with them.

Appeal
Not demanding. Does not assault their authority

See
Developing understanding of their concerns and viewpoints

Help
Find ways to show them you care

Limit
When is enough, enough? As a newly-married couple you may need to establish limits to the amount of time, energy and resources you will be sharing with your extended family. These limits are for your safety, as well as for theirs. Good limits, though hard to set at first, make the relationship with your extended families much healthier in the long run.

Can you disagree or go against their desires without being dishonoring them? Yes, if we are doing so to obey God and his commands.

Extended Family

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-from the Assemblies of God, USA, website

How important is the extended family? How should Christian couples relate to their own and to their spouse’s family.

The family today is under great pressure. Societal changes, along with humanistic values and teachings, are undermining the God-ordained structure and health of the family. As the nuclear family crumbles so does the extended family with its many relational roots. The impact of broken homes means that many children are growing up without the vital spiritual direction, important historical records, key life lessons, and loving support systems of grandparents and other relatives within the family. Recognizing this destructive trend, the Assemblies of God teaches and advocates the need for strong Christ-centered marriages and the important biblical component of the family and its extended roots.

Within the traditional Christian family there are stresses and struggles that must be addressed. Relationships with extended families and in-laws can be among the main sources of conflict in homes. When such relationships are not positive, family relationships are put under considerable stress.

When two people marry, two families intersect and are brought into alignment (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:7-8, Ephesians 5:31). At marriage a couple begins a process of merging together two separate home cultures, value systems, and sets of traditions. Each spouse will often be accustomed to different and occasionally opposite methods of conducting family life. As family differences arise in the marriage clear communicating and negotiating compromise becomes essential. To successfully form the new household each spouse will need to be flexible and giving, allowing for shared methods and resources of the other mate’s family tradition. Without loving compromise and sharing within the marriage the newlyweds will collide rather than merge together as a new family unit.

Extended family members often unknowingly add undue pressure and stress on a young marriage by placing possessive time demands on a son or daughter. At a time when a younger couple is struggling with limited finances, establishing solid relationships, securing a dependable income, and learning to raise children of their own, overbearing parents on either side can add unnecessary stress to a fragile marriage. Parents must do their part to support and strengthen the marriages of their children. But even when parents-in-law wisely avoid adding stress to their children’s household, tensions concerning relationships with the families of each spouse can still arise. Quite often the newly married husband and wife maintain overly strong ties with their former immediate families; furthermore they may not be fully aware of the strong ties the spouse still has with his or her parents and siblings. A strong desire to spend time with one’s own parents in preference to being with in-laws they do not know as well is a test for any marriage.

These tensions can have hurtful impact when they are added to other disagreements not yet resolved by a young couple. Again, Christian parents should be more concerned with the success and healthy condition of their child’s marriage than with their own assumed rights to time with the family.

Young couples torn in such conflict would do well to implement a record-keeping system that regulates a fair balance in time spent with each extended family. The attitude of each Christian partner toward his or her in-laws should be genuine love and reflect one’s love for his/her mate.

Though relationships with extended family members can be complicated because of geographical locations and close bonds within certain families, adult Christians should be able to work out these problems. In situations where couples are unable to resolve family differences it may be necessary to jointly seek the advice of a mature Christian friend.

Christian adult children and their spouses must also realize they have obligations and responsibilities to their elderly parents. The Bible frequently repeats the command, “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12, Ephesians 6:2). This is accomplished through love and respect, and living pure lives. Most important, adult children should be committed to Christ. As Christians they should routinely share the wonder of this truth with their parents.

As adults, grown children should generally be self-sufficient in meeting their own needs. They should remove as many of the worries and emotional stresses from their elderly parents as possible. Much of this can be done simply by living Christ-centered lives that honor God and family.

Adult children should also continue to learn from their parents even after beginning their own homes. Many parents have much to offer adult children in the areas of spiritual growth, marriage, child rearing, and prioritizing family over career. All adult children would do well to inquire about the early lives of their parents as children and young adults so as to record and learn from their life histories. At the appropriate time they should pass these lessons and life stories on to their own children.

When aging parents experience failing health, adult children have a responsibility to administer or see that proper care and support is in place (1 Timothy 5:8). Such care may take a variety of forms ranging from supplying financial assistance, overseeing medical treatments, securing necessary assistance, arranging for nursing care or personally administering care within their home, or supplying needed emotional and spiritual encouragement. Though nursing homes and elder care facilities may provide helpful and needed resources in caring for invalid parents, institutions should never be looked to as complete solutions to elderly parental care. Adult children are wrong in thinking that such facilities and programs absolve them from other support responsibilities. Love and emotional support expressed through touch and heartfelt conversation is the responsibility of children and family, not employed care providers. In all things Jesus calls us to “do unto others as we have them do to us.”

Concerns:
Some Christians who have been severely hurt by past actions, attitudes, and mistakes of their father and/or mother struggle with the biblical directive of honoring their parents. Others have difficulty respecting parents who intentionally do not serve God or follow His moral teachings. Yet God’s command to children, “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), universally applies in all circumstances regardless of the individual parent’s past record or spiritual standing.

Another great concern is for the one-parent families in the church. Though not the ideal, they are a reality of life. Because of divorce or death, the remaining parent has an overwhelming challenge. This should call forth the compassionate support and encouragement of the entire church. Spiritual and physical needs must be met, especially for those who have been hurt by sin and the loss of marital relationships. Twoparent families, retired couples, and others within the church must reach out to these families, warmly include them, and help to ensure that essential elements of the missing parent are fulfilled.

Spiritual Leader of the Family

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Penang

A wave of excitement has gripped the home of Arthur and Mary Chua in this seaside paradise following the realization by the happy couple that Mr. Chua had assumed the spiritual leadership of his home. Observers have been unanimous in their reports that a new peace and joy permeate the Chua home.

In an exclusive interview with this reporter, Arthur and Mary share a first-hand report of this transformation that has amazed their friends and baffled their enemies.

Reporter: Arthur, how did it all begin?

Arthur: My wife and I became Christians several years ago, but after attending a seminar at my church on how to have a successful marriage, I realized that I was not doing a good job of being the spiritual leader of my home. Because of that, our home atmosphere was often very tense.

Reporter: Was this the first time you ever felt like a failure as a spiritual leader?

Arthur: Actually, I felt that I was failing in this matter all my Christian life. My pastor preached sermons about it; my wife borrowed books on the role of the husband and left them near my chair. But I always felt inferior . . . as though my wife was the more spiritual one and I would never catch up with her.

Reporter: Why did you think that?

Arthur: “For one thing, my wife became a Christian before I did. I really gave her a hard time. She was different, and I wasn’t sure I liked it. She didn’t want to go to the club or the disco with me; she seemed like a another person. I tell you, I made life miserable for her! I tried to force her to go with me to those parties and clubs, and when she pleaded with me to not make her go, I accused her of being a useless wife. That always made her cry, for though I didn’t know it at the time, she was praying for the Lord to help her be the best wife she could be. I never hit her, but I was very cruel with my words.”

When I became a Christian, I remembered all those times I had acted so badly to her, and thought that I was not worthy to be the spiritual leader of our home.

Reporter: Were there other reasons?

Arthur: Yes. It seemed that she was so far ahead of me in her walk with the Lord. How could I be the spiritual leader when she was the older Christian? Another thing: after I became a Christian I did not have the time to attend as many meetings and Bible Studies as my wife did, and I am not as outspoken as she is. It seemed that she would always be the more spiritual one.

Reporter: When did you start to see the change?

Mary: Let me answer that question!

Arthur: I told you she was more outspoken. (Laughter.)

Mary: Sorry, Arthur. I didn’t mean to interrupt, but I think that I can say something important about that. You see, the first change had to come in me. I realized that all my efforts to make Arthur take the lead in the home were just making it harder for him to do so. I determined that I would ask the Lord to help me to be a more submissive wife.

I confessed to the Lord that I had been trying to force Arthur be the leader, and that I was trying to manipulate him. (I’ve always had a problem with that, haven’t I Arthur?)

Arthur: No comment. (More laughter.)

Mary: Anyway, I asked the Lord to help me to be a more quiet wife. And He did! But it was hard. Instead of telling Arthur what I thought, I tried to ask him what he thought about things.

Reporter: You gave him the privilege of stating his opinion about things first?

Mary: Yes, that’s right. It was hard! I prayed that the Lord would help me guard my lips, and I also asked him to change my heart so that I could trust Arthur as my spiritual leader. I stopped making him feel guilty for not attending prayer meetings because of his work, and I encouraged him to pray and fellowship with the Lord in ways that would fit his schedule.

Reporter: Mr. Chua, what was happening on your side?

Arthur: It was a miracle! Not a sudden miracle, but a gradual miracle. I think that’s what I would call it. I remember the first time my wife asked my opinion instead of telling me what we should do. It was about a video we rented. There was a very sexy part in it that was making us both feel uncomfortable. Normally, my wife would say, “That’s not pleasing to the Lord! We must turn it off! But this time she just turned to me and said very quietly, “Arthur, do you think we should be watching this?”

Reporter: And you took the lead and turned the offensive video off?

Arthur: Not right away. But when my wife went to make tea I thought about it. And then I turned it off. It was good to know that I had made my first real decision as a spiritual leader. It was a small thing, but it started me on the way. When I knew that it was my responsibility and I accepted it, I became much more careful about all the things we watch and listen to in our home.

Reporter: Are there ever disagreements about your decisions as the spiritual leader?

Arthur: Yes, of course. And at first I would get angry when my leadership was questioned. But I soon realized that being the leader doesn’t mean always being right, it means listening to the other family members and considering their opinions as well as my own. Then I may change my decision based on their views. Even a leader must have a submissive spirit.

Mary: But in spite of the difficulties, our home has really changed as I have allowed Arthur to be our spiritual leader and as he has accepted that leadership.

Reporter: In the few minutes we have left, can you tell our readers about some other ways that you exercise your spiritual leadership?

Arthur: Well…I am learning how to pray for my wife and children. Often my prayers for them are quiet, but I now know that the Holy Spirit is the one who has put those prayers in my heart. And another thing, I am learning to admit my mistakes and weaknesses and ask my family to pray for me. As they see my honesty, they become more honest about their needs.

Mary: Don’t forget to tell them about the healing, Arthur.

Arthur: Oh yes! Thank you, Mary, for reminding me. When our second child was born earlier this year, he had a deformity in his foot. The doctor said that he would have to wear a metal brace for about two years to correct it. But Mary and I prayed and believed the Lord to heal the foot. We noticed that it was straightening, little by little, and today it is perfectly normal!

Reporter: And this has something to do with your spiritual leadership?

Arthur: Yes. You see, before I took my responsibility and Mary acknowledged me as the spiritual leader of our home, there was no real unity between us. We were both Christians, of course, but the tension kept us from walking in real agreement. But now, we enjoy our unity and stand together in the Lord. We do not see one another as more or less spiritual. Rather, we encourage each other. In this way, we can stand against the Evil One when he attacks.

Reporter: Mary, any final words to our readers?

Mary: I want to say once again that in many ways the whole change began in me. When I stopped being so demanding and stopped acting more spiritual than my husband, it gave him the freedom to change. That’s what Christ gives all of us…the freedom to change!

The freedom to change. What a marvelous thing Christ does in our lives when He becomes our Lord. He saves us, not just from hell, but also from ourselves. And he gives us the freedom to change.

(a fictional story by Mike Constantine. Although the characters are not real people they represent a real possibility.)

Who’s in Charge Here?
Authority in the Home

Please read Ephesians 5:21-33

Please also read Local Man Becomes Spiritual Leader

1. Who was the head of the home you grew up in?

  1. Mother
  2. Father
  3. Both together
  4. An extended family member
  5. There was no discernable leader

2. When faced with a difficult situation, who made the final decision?

3. Would you be happy if your marriage followed the same authority model as your father and mother? If not, what would you change?

4. How do you see the role of husband and wife?

  1. He is the head. She is under him.
  2. They are both equal in every way.
  3. They have equal standing in the eyes of God, but the wife still submits to the husband.

5. Once a man has made a decision, can his wife ever question him? Does she always have to agree with him? Can you think of an example?

6. Will the Lord ever want a husband to submit to his wife? (See Ephesians 5:21) Can you think of a good example of this kind of submission?

7. Is there anything from the story of Arthur and Mary that especially speaks to you or challenges you?

The Power Core

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All your life as a couple will be influenced by the vitality and centrality of your spiritual life. Because of that, your relationship with God must be more than a compartment of your marriage, like one room in your house. Your relationship with God should be the core of your lives and the core of your marriage. It’s like the nucleus of an atom. The nucleus keeps the particles that surround it in their proper orbits. Without it, there is no atom. Likewise, our connection with God holds the facets of our lives together in proper balance. Then every part of our marriage will show the transforming power and influence of our relationship with God, through Christ Jesus.

But we must choose, for having our relationship with God at the center of our life and our marriage doesn’t happen automatically. Here are three diagrams, each showing a different source of influence at the core of the relationship:

(diagram)

In the first model, the central question of life is “What will please me?” When we live only to answer that question, when it is the prime motivator of our life, we become self-centered. You can see what damage that orientation could have in a marriage. Self-centered people know little about love. They will sacrifice true unity to get what they want. They are takers, not givers. With this orientation marriage becomes a battle of wits, with each partner trying to out maneuver the other.

In the second model, the central question of life becomes “What will please them?” Pleasing others can be a noble impulse for our actions, but as the prime motivator of our life it is really no better than the first question. Motivated by this question we become people who would sacrifice our convictions and our relationships just to ensure acceptance by “them,” whoever “them” might be. It is dangerous for you, and for your marriage.

Now let’s look at the third model. In this model the central question of life is, “What will please God?”When that becomes our central question, and we live to answer it, our lives develop focus and peace. God created each of us and put us on earth to answer that question through our attitudes, actions, and relationships. That is our destiny. And we only experience true fulfillment when we know our true destiny.

Leo Tolstoy, the renowned Russian author, had come to such a place of desperation in his life that the thought of suicide plagued him. Tolstoy was prosperous, learned, a member of a privileged class, yet he could find no real reason for his existence. To the question, “What is the meaning of life?” he had no satisfying answer. He lived in that unsettled condition until he was in his fifties. Then, after years of searching, he found meaning and a reason for his life in Christ.

You might think, “How can we know what would please God? He’s way up there, and we are just tiny humans.” Good news! God has provided all that we need to live a life that pleases him.

He sent Jesus to die for us, raised him from death, and made him King of everything, forever. When we believe in Jesus we become new persons. If we allow it, the power of that newness works its way into every segment of our lives, transforming our attitudes, actions, and relationships.

We have other resources, too. God puts His Spirit in us to enable us to live a life that pleases Him, blesses others, and brings us a level of fulfillment that we can have in no other way. He has given us the Bible, a handbook for living a life that pleases God. And He connects us with other believers so that we build each other up and help each other along.

With the right question at the core of our lives, and with the wonderful resources that God has given us, we can live lives that please God no matter what circumstances we are in. Our marriages will be healthier and we will be happier. Even more, others will experience the benefits, for when we pursue God’s Kingdom the effect reaches our children, our friends and neighbors, our colleagues, and our churches.

Will you, right now, make pleasing God the central motivation of your life? And will you, as a couple, make the same decision? You may both be believers in Jesus, but perhaps you have locked him in a room of your relationship. You don’t allow him to influence all of your marriage. Give him the place of influence only he deserves. Make Jesus your nucleus. You will see the dramatic difference in your lives and your marriage.

The apostle Paul had much to say about pleasing God. I have arranged some of his statements together, for the purpose of impact, in the following paragraph

“And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will accept. When you think of what he has done for you, is this too much to ask? Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is. Our aim is to please him always, whether we are here in this body or away from this body. He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live to please themselves. Instead, they will live to please Christ, who died and was raised for them. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful desires will harvest the consequences of decay and death. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. Try to find out what is pleasing to the Lord. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and you will continually do good, kind things for others. All the while, you will learn to know God better and better. For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases him.” (Romans 12:1,2; 2 Corinthians. 5:9, 15; Galatians 6:8; Ephesians 5:10; Colossians 1:10; Philippians 2:12, NLT)

Caring for the Core

The spiritual core of our lives and marriages needs care and development. How do we do that? How do we strengthen our desire to please God? The answer is through practicing spiritual disciplines. Now, please! Don’t let that word scare you. I am not suggesting legalism.

Disciplines are the things we do to make it possible to achieve a goal. Every valuable accomplishment results from disciplines. If you ever won an important race, you won because you trained. If you got good exam results, you got them because you studied. If you play an instrument well enough that others want to hear you, you play well because you practiced. Farmers practice disciplines to get a good yield from their seed. And every battle is won because the soldiers trained for victory.

Our goal is to have a strong relationship with God, through Christ, at the core of our lives and our marriage. Spiritual disciplines help keep the desire to please God strong in us. People who practice them find that thinking, acting, and speaking in a way that pleases God becomes their custom.

Personal Prayer and Supportive Prayer:
Have some personal time with God every day. Pray together if you can, but if you cannot, at least pray for one another. Use Scriptures to pray for each other, asking God’s blessing on your husband or wife in every area of his or her life. Pray for health as well as healing, constant freedom from past hurts, ongoing development of spiritual gifts and God-given abilities, and growth in wisdom. Pray with thanksgiving and pray believing God to make a difference. When you make decisions, especially big ones, agree to pray about it for a set time. God will help you know what is best.

Practice God’s Presence
Remember that Jesus said, “I am with you always.” You are, everyday of your life, surrounded by God’s presence. Sometimes you are more aware of His presence, but he is always near. Turn your thoughts to him frequently throughout the day.

Study and Meditate on the Word of God
God’s Word will renew our minds and help us understand God’s will. It will nourish us like good food nourishes our bodies. It will cleanse our minds, help us to live for what is really important, and equip us for involvement in God’s work. As Paul said, “Let the words of Christ, in all their richness, live in your hearts and make you wise. Use his words to teach and counsel each other. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts.” (Colossians 3:16, New Living Translation)

Be a Part of a Strong Local Church
As a couple you will need time with other couples who are living for God’s glory. A strong local church provides just the right environment for you to grow as a couple. It also gives you a place to discover the special ways God wants to use you.

Can we have different ministries in the church or must we work together in the same ministry? Every man and woman bring their own gifts and talents to the marriage relationship. In marriage God blends our gifts and talents, but we maintain our individuality. Agree about all your involvements in church and ministry. Support one another in them, and encourage one another to develop the gifts and abilities God has given each of you.

With the right core question and with a mutual determination to care for that core, both of you will become all God wants you to be. You will bless many others, and your life will shine with Christ’s light.

Think and Pray

1. Of the three diagrams which one best describes you? Do both of you have the same center? How does it help a marriage when both husband and wife have the same center?

 

2. For each of the following topics write one sentence that begins, “It would please God if we would . . . . . . . . .” Be as practical and specific as you can.

Work

 

Money

 

Household Chores

 

Involvement in Church Activities

 

Sexual Intimacy

 

Communication

 

Now that you have written a sentence for each one, go back and ask yourself, “What
can I do, with God’s help, to make this happen? Again, be as specific as possible.

Spiritual Life: The Core of Successful Marriage

Please read The Power Core before completing these questions.

1. Do both of you love God and believe in Jesus enough to trust Him with your life and decisions?

2. If you are from different churches, whose church will you attend after marriage?

3. How will your marriage affect your involvement in church ministries and activities? Do you agree about this? What adjustments do you think you might need to make in your church activities?

 

4. What will you do to help each other develop a strong spiritual life?

 

5. Do you foresee any other challenges to your spiritual life after marriage?

 

6. Do you have any important differences in your beliefs or doctrines that could cause tension and disagreement? How will you handle those differences?

 

7. Do you respect the spiritual integrity of the person you plan to marry? Spiritual integrity means that a person is honest with himself and God, not a play actor.

 

8. Every home has a spiritual leader, and that leader is usually the husband. As a husband, how will you demonstrate spiritual leadership in your home?

 

8. As a wife, how can you help your husband as a spiritual leader?

 

The Three Loves

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Behold the word love! For that word armies have marched, fortunes have been squandered, and perfectly normal men and women have made total fools of themselves, often in front of complete strangers.

Preachers preach about it. Singers sing about it in every possible language, and with every possible rhythm. It has inspired operas and rock songs, poems and graffiti, little notes and long novels.

Love has cured people and, some would say, killed others! Love composes the theme of thousands of movies and television shows. Yet much of our acting and singing, writing (and even some preaching) comes from confused and disappointed hearts.

In marriage the confusion continues. Do we marry for love? Is love important?

Fiddler on the Roof is a superb musical about a man of tradition and the pressures that threaten his traditions.  In one scene Tevye, the husband, asks his wife, Golda, “Do you love me?”

Now, they have been married for twenty-five years, and this is the first time the subject has come up. Their marriage was arranged by their parents. But after some thought,  they discovered that they really did love each other. Love was alive, though the word was never spoken.

Can we develop the kind of intimacy a marriage needs without love? It isn’t likely, for love is the substance of all true intimacy.

To help us understand the link between love and intimacy, consider three different expressions of love. As you will see,  each is vital to an intimate marriage.

The Fence

Marriage is a relationship with a unique potential for intimacy. It is the only relationship referred to as “one flesh” in the Bible. (See Genesis 2:24) However, intimacy needs protection, and that is what this love provides. As a fence, love has nothing to do with attraction, or liking, or sex, or feelings, or even getting anything in return. It is a love of decision and commitment.

“That’s not very romantic,” you might be thinking. Exactly. Romance has its place, and a great place it is. However, couples don’t sustain their marriages, exclusively, by romance. Love as a fence promises to love, no matter what happens, no matter what changes. Such love protects intimacy.

Love like this is in rare supply in these days of disposable marriages and temporary commitments. In the United States we have had, for years, something called a prenuptial agreement. Couples who choose one of these weird arrangements preplan what they will do with their assets if (when?) the marriage fails. Fence love will have nothing to do with such plans for failure.

When I was a boy I remember hearing a cowboy song called, “Don’t Fence Me In.” It was a cry for life without boundaries or commitments. That could be the theme song for many modern marriages. True love, intimacy-building love, says, “We want a fence around this relationship. Let’s build it with vows and keep it strong through unselfish sacrifice. Let’s promise that nothing, and no one, will ever come between us.”

What about all the couples who have taken such vows and still have unhealthy  marriages?  Marriage vows do not create some kind of magical force field around a married couple. This isn’t Star Trek we’re talking about. Vows alone can never prevent marital failure because promises mean nothing without actions. A man and woman must live their vows. A favorite song writer of mine, Don Francisco, describes this dedication beautifully and powerfully:

So you say you can’t take it,
the price is too high.
The feelings have gone,
it seems the river’s run dry.
You never imagined
it could turn out so rough.
You give and give and give
and still it’s never enough.

Your emotions have vanished
that once held a thrill.
You wonder if love
could be alive in you still.
But that ring on your finger
was put there to stay.
And you’ll never forget
the word you promised that day.

Jesus didn’t die for you
because it was fun.
He hung there for love
because it had to be done.
And in spite of the anguish
His work was fulfilled.
Because love is not a feeling.
It’s an act of your will.

Now I know it isn’t easy
when you’re trying to stand.
And Satan’s throwing everything
that’s at his command.
But Jesus is faithful,
His promise is true,
And whatever He asks
He gives the power to do.

(Love Is Not a Feeling, by Don Francisco
Used by permission of Brentwood Publishers.)  

Don understood that the power to keep promises comes from God. He has been making promise breakers into promise keepers for centuries.

Within the protection of promises, intimacy grows securely and authentically, and a husband and wife feel safe.

The Friendship

A question. Did you like each other before you decided to marry each other? Most people do. In other words, they marry a friend. As our son and daughter-in-law’s wedding announcement read:

“Today I will marry my friend; the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, and love.”

Friendship develops intimacy. Most couples began their friendship before marriage. The question is, will you continue to develop it within your marriage? Couples who do not maintain a healthy friendship find their marriages become empty.

It’s like the difference between a living garden and a dead one. When you walk in a living garden your soul feels refreshed. Let that garden die, and walking through it will depress you. Marriage without continued friendship is the same.

On a visit to Northern Ireland I had the privilege of meeting an old saint, James. He and his wife, Sophia, had served God in Africa for almost forty years. Sophia had died some years before I met James. As he told me of their life together he paused, looked into the distance, and said, simply, “I liked that woman.”

You expected him to say he loved her, didn’t you? He could have, surely. Yet with one profound statement James painted a lifetime of friendship. I could picture them enduring the difficulties of Africa together– laughing, crying, talking, listening– glad to be together whatever happened.

Friendship is the common ground of our marriage relationship. We build it from all the shared joys and sorrows of a lifetime. Friendship develops mostly in the ordinary days and times, not the unusual ones. Companionship lies at the heart of it.

Couples get busy. Life is complicated. Demands are many. That puts great strain on their friendship and without constant care and planning, common ground will disappear. When that happens, one, or both,  will be tempted find their friendships elsewhere, and often their intimacy, too.

The Fire

At the very center of an intimate marriage, protected by covenant love and enriched by friendship, there lives an expression of love so intense, so involving, that we only safely experience it within the protection of a covenant. When a husband and wife give themselves to one another in mutual, satisfying sexual surrender, they celebrate their intimacy. We will devote a whole section to this important topic later in our series. For now, let’s just remind ourselves of some significant truths:

God created both man and woman with the ability to give and receive sexual pleasure. We are designed to arouse and to be aroused. Therefore, our sexual relationship should bring pleasure to both husband and wife. The Creator never intended sex to be a pleasure for one (usually the husband) and a problem, or pain, for the other. It is His will that it be a shared joy.

Giving sexual fulfillment to our spouse is both a delight and a duty. A delight, because making love with our spouse stirs us, touches us, and releases us in ways that nothing else can or does. A duty, because we sometimes need to make love when we do not feel like making love. We need both understandings to develop a healthy sexual relationship. (See Song of Solomon for delight, and I Corinthians 7 for duty.)

Like the rest of marriage, developing mutually satisfying sexual love means that a couple adapt and adjust to each other. Sexual gratification is a gift they give and receive. They learn how to do that in each stage of their marriage, but never let the fire die because of neglect or distraction. They are the keepers of the flame.

In the sequel to George Bernard Shaw’s play, Pygmalion, he describes a feeling that many married people will understand:

“She is immensely interested in him. She has even secret, mischievous moments in which she wishes she could get him alone, on a desert island, away from all ties and with nobody else in the world to consider, and just drag him off his pedestal and see him making love like any common man.”

The woman he speaks of is Eliza. The man is a stuffy, pompous professor named Henry Higgins. Many husbands and wives want what Eliza secretly wished for. They long for times to forget other roles and responsibilities, if even for a few moments, and just be lovers.

Here’s a true story. A husband and wife climb into bed. The wife snuggles up to her husband, hoping to arouse his interest in making love. But the husband, a workaholic, lays there, hands behind his head, eyes focused on the ceiling, puzzling over some work-related problem.

The wife has had it!  She pokes him in the ribs to get his attention, then exclaims, “Kick your company out of bed, Mr. CEO. It’s just your wife in here!”

Keep the fire alive! Celebrate your intimacy.

Three expressions of love– a fence for protection, a friendship for development, and a fire for celebration. God is the author of them all. Ask him to make you a lover, in all three ways. If you do, intimacy will thrive.

But What About Now?

If you are taking this course, you are not yet married. Since you are not yet married, it is not good for you to be sexually involved with each other. Sexual involvement means any touching, kissing, or fondling of breasts, buttocks, or private parts, whether leading to intercourse or not. All of that must be saved for marriage, regardless of what the movies, songs, TV shows, and your own hormones tell you.

By restraining yourselves sexually during courtship and engagement, you develop self-control and sexual trust. You will need those qualities in your marriage.

___  We are NOT involved in sexual activities.

___  We are involved in sexual activities.

___  We will stop all involvement in sexual activities until our wedding night, and help each other overcome sexual temptation.