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Intimacy Lost

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Robert and Freda met at university. Eventually they decided they had what it takes to make a good marriage. Everyone who knew them thought so too, so after graduation they married.

Love began dying during their first year of marriage, but they hardly noticed it. Like many couples, they allowed their careers (both were lawyers) to consume their lives, leaving little time for each other.

Strangely, their courtship years had been just as busy, maybe more. Love flourished, even in a typhoon of exams and research papers. In those days their relationship gave them relief from the stresses of school work. Now their marriage had become just one more drain on their time and energy.

It didn’t help when Freda, feeling lonely, developed a close friendship with her young, male piano teacher. The friendship was apparently innocent, but potentially dangerous. There was a certain excitement and tenderness that she missed with her husband. And laughter! Freda enjoyed the bright humor of her piano teacher. Definitely dangerous, especially for a woman in Freda’s situation.

When someone told Robert about the friendship, he ordered Freda to stop her piano lessons and never see the teacher again. Of course he was within his rights, but he didn’t address the deeper, underlying issue. He should have asked Freda why she felt she needed that friendship. He didn’t. Instead, he became indignant and self-righteous, acting wounded.

Robert did another thing. He stopped trusting Freda. He became more controlling, less understanding, and more distant. When trust died, so did intimacy. Somehow they managed to have three children, but their marriage deteriorated. Talk became trivial; avoidance became commonplace

Covering Up the Emptiness

How does a couple maintain a marriage in such circumstances? It seems impossible, yet many couples do. They stay together because of pressures from family or society. They stay together through fear of what others would think if they divorce. They stay together because of the children, or to avoid losing face.

But they don’t stay together because they love, honor, value, and enjoy each another. Love is lost, and with it all joy. These couples maintain their marriage the same way doctors maintain a terminally ill patient. They sustain life, but do not, or cannot, heal the disease.

It’s snowing as I write this section. Snow is beautiful and has the wonderful ability to cover the ugliest things, making them look clean and white. A pile of rubbish can look pure and pristine when enough snow falls on it. Unfortunately the camouflage has a short life. Snow melts. When it does, the rubbish pile is still there, still dirty and still ugly.

Some couples have tried for years to cover up the rubbish in their relationships and their lives. But covering doesn’t mean removing. To get rid of it, you have to admit the problem exists and find a good, godly way to address it.

Why do we sidestep the issues that are hurting our marriages? Often it is because we don’t think we can find solutions. Or, if we find a solution, we are afraid won’t have what it takes to carry it out. Sometimes we don’t face the problems because we don’t want to admit that we, personally, need to change our attitudes and actions. Positive change has a price, true, but it is so worth whatever it costs us personally.

Lacking any other encouraging alternative, we try to find fulfillment by staying busy. We involve ourselves in activities that we hope will fill the emptiness. All that activity dulls our minds like a narcotic, but it doesn’t feed our souls.

We feed our soul, the inner person, through intimate friendships with our spouses, our children, our companions, and most of all, our God. Without intimacy, we experience increasing emptiness.

Have you experienced a loss of intimacy? If so, just one question: Will you try to recover it? If you do, both you and your spouse will become stronger, healthier people, experiencing the healing, restoring benefits of true intimacy.

The Three Ds

Remember that restoring intimacy takes work, like all rewarding endeavors. I am not much of a gardener, but when I see a beautiful garden I know three things:

  • The gardener desires that garden, for desire is the beginning point of all beauty.
  • The gardener has a design for that garden. Beautiful gardens begin with a concept. How do we want this garden to look? What kind of fruits and flowers do we want to enjoy? Desire without design is nothing but an empty dream, a fantasy without hope of reality.
  • The gardener has great determination. Near our house lives a man with a lovely garden. The trees and flowers are arranged in such a manner that they invite you to linger and refresh your soul for a few moments. It is not surprising, therefore, to see that man working in his garden. He may not always love the work, but he surely loves the results. You will, too！

It is my hope that these words from Calvin Coolidge will become your words, too:

” We are beginning to comprehend more definitely, what course should be pursued, what remedies ought to be applied, what actions should be taken for our deliverance, and are clearly manifesting a determined will faithfully and conscientiously to adopt these methods of relief.”

Think, Act, Pray

1. How many different causes can you find for Robert and Freda losing intimacy?

2. What would have helped Robert and Freda renew their intimacy?

3. If you see a loss of intimacy in your marriage, what are you doing that is contributing to the loss?

4. What is keeping you from beginning to restore intimacy in your marriage?

5.If you did restore intimacy, what positive results would you see?

6. Take some time to evaluate your desire, design, and determination.

Understanding Intimacy

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Have you ever met a couple whose marriage seemed to glow, even in the common, everyday times? Intimacy creates that glow. It is the warm core of every successful marriage.

But Martin and Janice (not their real names) are not that couple. Married more than 15 years, yet constantly drifting apart. Now it looks like their marriage might end. The reason? Lost intimacy.

Sadly, many couples have lost their intimacy. Some never even had any intimacy to lose. Instead of a warm glow, they experience a constant chill. And, like cold people everywhere, they cover up to protect themselves.

In a survey of married couples, family therapist Stuart Johnson emphasized the importance of intimacy to a successful marriage. He found that all the happily married couples he surveyed had developed healthy intimacy in four vital areas:

  • Verbal intimacy: talking together and understanding each other
  • Action intimacy: doing things together that you both enjoy
  • Problem-solving intimacy: finding wise, workable solutions to common challenges
  • Sexual intimacy: sexual love that stimulates and satisfies both of you

As a follower of Jesus, I would add another vital expression of intimacy to those four

  • Spiritual intimacy: a unified love for God and desire to please Him in every way.

All married couples experience intimacy differently, depending on their personality, lifestyle, stage of life, and even their culture. But you will find most of those qualities in every satisfying marriage.

If intimacy can do so much for a marriage, why do so many couples fail to experience it? That is a big topic, but here is the short answer: couples do not experience intimacy because intimacy is neither easy nor automatic.

Intimacy is a challenge, something that takes time, attention, and flexibility. But today many couples are just too overwhelmed to give their marriage the time it needs, and too insecure to change. The problem is not new. In fact, it is as old as the human race. Look at the story of Adam and Eve.

Here is a synopsis of the story: God created man and woman in perfect innocence. He made them to live together as one flesh — a condition unique to marriage and the closest possible expression of human intimacy. Although they were naked, absolutely uncovered to each other, they felt no shame and no need to hide. Sounds perfect, doesn’t it? It was. But not for long.

According to the story, God wanted genuine people, not programmable robots. So He created that first couple with the capacity to make choices, whether good or bad. There was one tree, just one, that was off limits.

Did you ever tell a child that there was one thing he may not touch, then leave the room? He cannot stand it! He just has to touch the untouchable. It was the same for Mr and Mrs Adam.

The moment Adam and Eve tasted that forbidden fruit, they felt an emotion they had never before known. That emotion was shame. It made them want to cover themselves, to hide from one another and even from God.

Can you see the difference? Before they ate, intimacy was automatic. They had no reason to hide and nothing to fear. After they ate it, shame came, and with it suspicion and separation. What once came easily, without a worry or a question, now became so difficult it must have seemed impossible.

No one knows the intimate details of Adam and Eve’s relationship. We don’t know how they talked, or laughed, or made love. But we can easily see that the forbidden fruit brought great changes to every part of their marriage.

Try to imagine feeling shame for the first time. It isn’t easy, for we have never known the pristine innocence of that first man and woman. To some extent we all live in hiding, fearful to let anyone know us completely.

People are starving for true intimacy. But there are forces in us that frustrate our attempts to nurture it. That is the human condition. Too often what we want and need, we fear and resist. In fact, in our hearts we fear, and often expect, rejection. Psychologist Paul Gilbert describes shame as “… an extreme form of the fear of the loss of approval.”

Shame leads to suspicion. We find it hard to trust and constantly wonder what others really think of us. And, since shame and suspicion tend to cause isolation, we find ourselves withdrawing from each other, becoming separated. Yet at the same time we long for intimate connections that will nurture us.

Shame, suspicion, and separation. These three obstacles to intimacy form the basis of our fears in any relationship, whether with God, friends, or spouses. Now perhaps we understand why intimacy is so difficult to develop and maintain.

Like children playing hide and seek, but not sure if we really want to come out from our hiding places, we are afraid to reveal ourselves.

That brings me to your marriage. Marriage is meant to be a relationship that is so secure, and so healing, that both partners become better and healthier because of it.

In other words, marriage is supposed to be a secure relationship that makes both partners better people.

Think, Act, Pray

1. Early in your marriage, which type of intimacy was easiest for you and your spouse?

2. Which type of intimacy has been the most difficult for you to develop and sustain?

3. Think about some of the ways you have seen the effects of shame, suspicion and separation in your marriage. What are some ways those three conditions frustrate intimacy in your marriage?

How Healthy is Your Marriage?

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An epidemic is sweeping the world. If this epidemic were medical in nature, if it was, for instance, a deadly virus that brought a painful death, the world’s citizens would fight it with every weapon and tactic. But this epidemic doesn’t cause sickness and death, at least not directly.

This is an epidemic of lifeless, joyless marriages and homes. It represents a social and spiritual catastrophe, a rising tide of broken relationships and broken people. You will find the symptoms in every country, in every culture, in all economic conditions. Sometimes it leads to divorce, sometimes only to chronic tension and unhappiness.

The technical word for this sickness is dysfunctional, as in, “They have a dysfunctional relationship.” But let’s not get too technical. Dysfunctional simply means, according to the Oxford Dictionary, not operating normally or properly. In other words, these marriages are broken and needing repair. How badly broken? How much repair do they need? It varies, but generally speaking, the longer the problems have been neglected, the more damage there is to repair.

You might think that some couples are immune, but that is not true. Whatever their station in life, whatever their financial situation, whatever their religion or spiritual condition, no one is immune. Business leaders or clerks, pastors or church members, rich or poor, marital breakdowns happen to them all. It can even happen to you.

How Healthy is Your Marriage?

Take a look at the statements that follow and evaluate your marriage. But one word of warning! It is so easy to use these statements to find fault with your husband or wife. Don’t do it, please.

Instead, ask yourself what you could do to bring a positive change in each area. Better yet, ask your partner to do the evaluation too. Then both of you can decide ways to make the marriage you have the marriage you really want.

Here are eight indicators that help determine the health of a marriage. After reading each indicator, write down the number that best indicates your rating for your marriage today. Be as honest as you can.

1. A general sense of tension in your marriage relationship. All marriages have tense moments, even tense times, but constant tension suggests unresolved problems. The normal condition of a healthy marriage is peace, not tension.

Tension:

Occasional 2——–4——–6——-8 Constant

2. A decrease in laughter and overall happiness. Joy is also the normal condition of a healthy marriage, yet some couples cannot remember the last time both were joyful in their marriage. Rather than energizing them, their marriage drains them. How about your marriage? Do you laugh with each other? Does anything about your relationship bring you joy? When was the last time that simply thinking about your husband or wife brought a smile to your face?

Joyful:

Usually 2——–4——–6——-8 Seldom

3. You are easily distracted and find it hard to give one another your complete attention.Occasional distractions happen to everyone. If you have children, you will have more distractions. Wise couples learn how to focus on their relationship, planning time to pay special attention to each other. Couples in danger believe the lie that there is no time to find. Can you identify with this comment from one of our seminar attendees?

I cannot remember when we had our last heart-to-heart talk. We act like everything else is more important than special times for ourselves. Our lives are a swarm of urgent demands clamoring for our attention.

Distracted:

Seldom 2——–4——–6——-8 Usually

4. Electronic media takes the place of face-to-face communication. TV can entertain, educate, and enlighten. But do you ever use the TV to avoid each other? Does the TV or the internet dictate your daily schedule? Do you have the willpower to turn them off and do something more helpful for your marriage?

Electronic Media:

Right amount 2——–4——–6——-8 Too Much

5. As a couple, you are not communicating effectively. Every couple develops their own patterns of communication, but sometimes those patterns are unhealthy. If you have put each other in solitary confinement, if you no longer take the time to discuss important concerns, you are in danger.

Communication:

Discuss 2——–4——–6——-8 Avoid

6. Sexual intimacy has become more a bother, less a blessing. Sexual fulfillment is one of Gods most exciting gifts to married couples. A healthy sexual relationship strengthens intimacy, relieves tension, and is fun! Do you both feel sexually satisfied in your marriage?

Sexual Satisfaction:

Fulfilled 2——–4——–6——-8 Frustrated

7. Little things make you angry. You are easily irritated. Irritability develops when we neglect intimacy. We find the tone of our voice becoming more sharp. We get offended easily. We avoid each other.

Anger and Irritation:

Seldom 2——–4——–6——-8 Chronic

8. You and your spouse have separate agendas, but no common activities. One couple we know look great to casual acquaintances. Nice home, prosperous, active in church and very involved in their careers. But if you scanned their date books you would notice that they have no time for each other or for their relationship. In fact, they had developed separate lives. It doesnt happen in a moment. It happens when we stop thinking as a couple and only think about our individual lives, careers, and activities.

Togetherness:

Healthy 2——–4——–6——-8 Little or None

Now add up your score. If you scored:

20 or less- You have a great marriage and are mutually fulfilled in it.

21 to 39- You have a good marriage, but it could be great with just a little extra attention.

40 to 49– You are experiencing significant stress in your marriage, and little fulfillment.

50 and Above- You are probably unhappily married. Scores this high usually indicate a severely neglected marriage.

Can couples have a high score and still stay together? Yes, for divorce is only one way couples deal with a declining marriage. Some remain married legally, but let their marriages die relationally. They keep up appearances, but there is pain in their eyes and voices, especially in their unguarded moments.

Good news! You can change if you want to change.

How do you show each other you really want to change? Pick one area in your marriage that needs work and find something you can do to make it better. For instance, if you’re having too much face time with Facebook, turn it off, find your spouse, and do something together that you will both enjoy.

Take a walk. Have a talk. Watch a movie. Read a book. Sit quietly and closely. Dream together. Then, do it again tomorrow. Use your imagination. Just make sure you both do something that helps. And keep it positive.

You need to rediscover each other as friends, so can the criticisms. Some of your irritations will die on their own if you starve them.

Think, Act, Pray

1. Which warning signal would be the easiest one for you to improve in your own marriage?

2. Which warning signal do you think would be the hardest to improve? Why?

3. What could both of you do, starting today, to make your marriage more healthy?

Marriage by the Book

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Ideas bombard us like a monsoon rain. Unless you live in a cave and wear a tin foil hat, you cannot get away from them.  We need a standard for comparison, a final authority. For many people that is the Bible. So let’s take a few moments to understand a biblical model for marriage. Some of the principles that follow are directly stated in the Bible; others are deductions I make from my understanding of the Bible. But when you put them together they paint a beautiful and appealing picture of what a marriage can really be.

Marriage is Designed by God. This is the Principle of Origin. You can find it stated in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

Taking this biblical idea as stated, marriage is much more than a sociological necessity that has developed through an evolutionary process. Marriage was instituted by God when He created the first man and woman.

The verse I mentioned talks about leaving your father and mother. Does that worry you? I can tell you this: it does not mean that you have to abandon your parents or ignore them. The Asian idea of filial devotion and honour is not replaced by the Bible. It is upheld by the Bible.

Marriage is Designed for Covenant Intimacy. That is the Principle of Connection. One rather graphic reference to that is in Genesis 2:25, “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”

The nakedness described in these words is much more than a prelude to sex. It describes a marriage that is so secure that the man and woman could be completely uncovered without embarrassment or fear.

In other words, they experienced covenant intimacy. They could trust each other so much that they could be completely uncovered. For Adam and Eve that was easy because they had never sinned. For us it is not easy, because we have sinned and received wounds from other people’s sins.

We all enter marriage with the hope of developing the same intimacy they experienced automatically. It is a struggle, but it is attainable and worth the effort.

No matter how may stories you’ve heard or broken marriages you have seen, you can develop a marriage that makes both of you glad you have it, all the time. So don’t give up. Grow together instead of growing apart.

Marriage is Designed to Make Both Partners Better People. That is the Principle of Development. One place the Bible speaks about that is in I Thessalonians 5:11 “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

You probably know some married couples who have become bitter, not better because of their marriages. It does not have to be that way. We really can build one another up. This does not mean that you marry a construction project. Never do that! It does mean that you can both become better people because of your marriage, not in spite of your marriage.

Healthy marriages build healthy people who are more likely to fulfill their God-given purpose. As the Bible says, in Proverbs 27:17, New Living Translation, “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.”

Marriage is Designed for Joy! That is the Principle of Cheerfulness.  For a detailed discussions of that, see this article: You Can Have a Delightful Marriage.

Proverbs 15:15, in the Message Translation of the Bible, expresses that joy as it applies to human relationships- “A miserable heart means a miserable life; a cheerful heart fills the day with song.”

Every marriage will face challenges, but in good marriages couples develop a deep joy that is part appreciation, part affection, and part commitment. That joy is like a deep spring that is always with them, sometimes in quiet contentment, sometimes in laughter. When marriage is joyful, men and women do not look elsewhere for exhilaration. They find it in their life-long covenant relationship, their marriage. When they have children the kids can catch the joy their parents’ experience.

Marriage is designed to have a positive effect on the world. That is The Principle of Influence. Look at the words of Jesus in Matthew 5:14-16, “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”

Some marriages spread darkness. They are like an evil fog that chills everyone around them. Who would want that? God’s design is to fill two people with his light and truth (they always go together) and make that marriage like a lighthouse on a dark and dangerous coast. Do you think that is just poetic language? Not at all. Our marriage has been spreading light for over 50 years.

Marriage is designed to last a lifetime. That is the Principle of Permanence. Here are the words of Christ from Matthew 19:6, “And He said, ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’” Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.

In virtually all developed and developing countries, divorce is on the rise. It has become so common that some authors feel the need to make it seem like a reasonable decision without any painful consequences.

We know couples who have divorced, yet even when it seemed that there was no other route open to them, it still introduced pain into their lives that lingers till now. As Margaret Atwood said, “A divorce is like an amputation; you survive, but there’s less of you.”

Now, this is not the place to discuss whether divorce is right or wrong. It is the time for you to decide that you will marry for life. If you plan for lifelong success and keep to that plan, you’ll have a lasting marriage. But if you keep the idea of divorce as an option, that may undermine your efforts to succeed.

Marriage is designed for child-bearing. That is the Principle of Reproduction. Here is just one biblical expression of that idea from Psalm 127:3, “Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a real blessing.”

It is God’s intention that children grow up in a secure family with a mom and a dad. That means that you will want to develop the areas of your life that will make you a good parent.

To be truthful,  I did not want to be a dad. The idea scared me. But even though I could not see myself as a father, my wife did. She knew I would make a great dad. I do not know if I have been a great dad, but by God’s grace I have loved my two sons all of their lives.

Some couples find they cannot have children for medical reasons. If conditions exist that might make having children impossible, remember that there are thousands of children who need parents who will adopt them and love them.

For some people,  adoption seems to be a thing to avoid, not a thing to embrace. But adoption is very near the heart of God, who calls us to love the outcast and the unwanted. Personally, I would love to know that you and your spouse had taken an unwanted child into your heart, as God takes us into His heart.

As you think about the points I have just shared with you, keep in mind that nearly all of them are vigorously opposed by contemporary ideas and cultural concepts.

Throughout your life– in your single years, your courtship, and your marriage– you will have to decide which ideas will rule your life. I highly recommend the Bible and its Author as the source of ideas that will never disappoint you.

Do We Still Need Marriage?

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For almost 30 years I have talked to Malaysians about dating and marriage. My wife and I have conducted hundreds of marriage seminars, taught family life courses for colleges, and counselled many couples as well. We also do pre-marriage counselling using materials that we developed in the Malaysian context.

Malaysians are smart. They want some clear answers, not just general principles. Instinctively they know that this a vitally important topic, something with life-long effects. They have watched their parents’ and associates’ marriages, evaluating whether a marriage like that is what they really want. As one young woman wrote to us in an email:

“I’m starting to feel slightly disillusioned about marriages. As it is, I can hardly muster excitement for my friends who are getting married. It’s just hard to be where they are when in my own life and relationship, I feel like a girl trying to wade to the other bank in a river of clay.”

It is even harder to know what to do about dating and marriage now than it was 25 years ago. Malaysian culture is changing rapidly, and much of that change is fuelled by an almost unlimited flow of ideas and concepts.

Ideas are powerful. They can change our beliefs, our values, our assumptions, and ultimately, our choices. Ideas come to us in messages, and we see or hear thousands everyday. Some come from media – in programmes, movies, music, yes, but also in advertisements. Some reach us through social networking. Our parents have their ideas and so do our spiritual leaders. We get some ideas by observing our world. Combining our observations with other messages we get from other channels, and we form opinions about life, including marriage.

So we really have no choice. Since we cannot live in a cave (and who would want to?), we have to find a way to evaluate messages and the ideas they contain.

This avalanche of conflicting messages and ideas may be one reason more young adults are delaying marriage.

A generation or two ago young people looked forward to marriage. They actually assumed that they would marry, once for life, sometime in their early to mid-twenties. Now those assumptions have changed:

“Today’s young adults often leave their parents’ home later, or return more often, extend their education longer, delay marriage, and change jobs more frequently than their parents’ generation. The factors affecting these changes range from economic conditions, to changing views and norms, to a changing portrait of this generation … ” (The Network to Transitions in Adulthood, (transad.pop.upenn.edu/about/whatweknow.html)

The same website continues:

“Nowhere do we see such a fundamental shift than in this generation’s views on marriage and family. Youth today are delaying marriage and family longer, and often believe it’s necessary to have all one’s ducks in a row (education completed, career well established, money saved for a house, etc.) before marrying.

“They also view potential partners in a much more romantic ideal. They are looking for that soulmate, someone who will be the ying to their yang. They are also less willing to give up their independence. Whereas past generations typically viewed marriage as you + me = us, today’s youth see it as you + me = you and me.”

Here is more data from the good old United States of America, the country whose social ideas and concepts are most widely spread throughout the world, particularly through media:

“When Belinda Luscombe (a researcher) argues that marriage is ‘in purely practical terms just not as necessary as it used to be,’ she has a rationale to back up her argument. ‘Neither men nor women need to be married to have sex or companionship or professional success or respect or even children.’

“All that is true — when marriage is viewed on the canvas of American culture. Marriage no longer regulates sex. The Sexual Revolution severed sex from marriage in a social sense, and the arrival of The Pill offered a pharmaceutical means of severing sex from reproduction.

“No-fault divorce arrived as a legal accommodation to marital impermanence, effectively redefining both marital and family law in the process. Social status and professional expectations were liberated from the question of marriage, and many feminists declared that marriage itself was an impediment to the full liberation of women. – Albert Mohler in Who Needs Marriage: TIME Asked the Question – Do You Have an Answer? Christianity.com

Closer to Malaysia, Singapore (which, it seems, often reflects the social changes that Malaysia eventually experiences) has its own challenges:

Singaporeans are getting married later, and more are staying single, according to Stork & Cupid Out to Lunch? – A Sociological Appreciation of Late Marriage and Low Fertility on Singapore Society by Paulin Tay Straughan, Department of Sociology, National University of Singapore

Those comments are just some examples of the shifting assumptions and changing ideas in the Malaysian experience. For a look at what marriage was intended to be, see Marriage by the Book