by Mike Constantine
孩子们需要学会他们不必去争取爱，爱与生俱来。
孩子们需要学会诚实而不是虚伪的重要。
孩子们需要了解到他们对于我们的重要，他们不是我们必须要忍受的小讨 厌。
孩子们需要了解到倾听他人的心声是我们可以为他人做的最富有爱心的事 情之一。
通过我们，孩子们将了解到真正的信念的重要。
孩子们需要了解纪律是爱的一种表现。
孩子们需要了解到尊重权威是成功的关键。
孩子们需要建立坚定的良知。
他们需要学会应对和克服身边的消极压力。
by Mike Constantine
Our children will learn that love is not earned, love is freely given.
Our children will learn the value of personal honesty instead of hypocrisy.
Our children will learn that they are important to us, not a nuisance that we endure.
Our children will learn that listening to one another is one of the most loving things we can do for each other.
Our children will learn, through our example, the value of a genuine faith.
Our children will learn that discipline is an expression of love.
Our children will learn that respect for authority is the key to a successful life.
Our children will develop a strong conscience.
They will learn to withstand and overcome the negative pressures around them.
by Mike Constantine
The word unruly describes children who either break the rules or ignore the rules. It refers to willful disobedience.
An unruly person chooses to do wrong, though he knows what is right.
Unruly behavior requires a clear, understandable, enforceable warning and appropriate consequences if the child ignores the warning.
Many Americans love snow skiing. Thousands ride to the tops of the mountains, then glide, race, and sometimes tumble down the slopes. Unfortunately, every year people injure themselves seriously, or even die, in skiing accidents. Ski resorts mark certain areas out-of-bounds because they know dangers the skiers would not see. And they have ski patrols, experts on skis and in emergency first aid, who watch for any out-of-control skiers. A ski patrolman once told me the two most common reasons for accidents: skiing out of control and skiing out of bounds.
There is a lesson here for us. Parents set boundaries for the same reason the ski resorts do. Though we know that our children could still get hurt living within the boundaries, we know there are hidden dangers, dangers they do not understand, outside the boundaries.
Parents must teach children the very important lesson of obeying the rules and limits we set. For that to happen, the rules must be fair, consistent, and appropriate to the child’s age. Fair, because unfair rules lead to resentful children. Consistent, because only consistent rules develop solid character. Possible for the child to obey, because children differ in character and maturity. What works with a five-year-old won’t work with his twelve-year-old sister.
A few years ago, a frustrated mother wrote to a newspaper advice column for help with her daughter. The little girl, only five years old, made life unbearable for everyone around her. The mother wanted to know if her daughter was old enough to discipline. “Get busy,” the columnist answered, “you have wasted the five most important years of your child’s life.” We don’t want to make the same mistake, do we?
I have stayed in homes with children like that. One family actually thought their little daughter had a demon! Weird, right? She did not have a demon, but she did act like a little devil. The little girl didn’t need exorcism. She needed good discipline and loving attention. But with parents who were never around, and a grandmother too feeble to keep her in line, how would she get it?
We hear the same stories in our seminars. Parents feel they cannot control their children. Teachers and church children’s workers echo the cry.
According to some family counselors, moms and dads are sometimes in denial about their children’s bad behavior. Here is what Suzanne Fields, a noted family therapist says:
“Certainly there are many parents who know how to set limits for their children and how to establish a clear, bright line between behavior that is right and behavior that is wrong. But the current generation of parents seem almost bewildered about some of the most basic principles of child rearing.”
As soon as children understand the meaning of the word, “No,” education in the school of life begins. They learn about limitations: objects they may not touch, places they may not go, and words they will not say.
Many parents are afraid to say “No,” and enforce it when they say it. Others comment that after a long day in a demanding job, they just do not have the emotional energy to deny a child anything. That one little word, “No” can be very difficult to say and enforce. Yet so much of a child’s future success depends on it.
Unruly children live as if life has no boundaries. They cause their parents, themselves, and everyone else, much aggravation and pain. Does anybody enjoy being around children who haven’t learned to respect limitations? Often they grow into selfish adults who continue to torment people by their unruly living. They break the rules of the road. They break the rules in business. They break the rules in relationships. All that matters is having their way. What a dangerous condition!
The Bible records a story, a very sad story, about a man who destroyed his life because nobody challenged his selfish, unruly behavior. His name was Adonijah. He was the privileged son of a king, yet he came to a sad and untimely end. Here is a part of his story:
“Now Adonijah . . . put himself forward and said, ‘I will be king.’ So he got chariots and horses ready, with fifty men to run ahead of him. (His father had never interfered with him by asking, `Why do you behave as you do?’ He was also very handsome and was born next after Absalom.)” (I Kings 1:5, 6, NIV)
Adonijah had all the resources to become a successful adult, but he was headed for failure. Why? No one interfered with him. No one questioned his motives, his choices, his pride, or his behavior. His father, David, didn’t interfere. Perhaps he was just too busy running the kingdom to prevent his son’s ruin. Or, maybe he just didn’t want to upset the little guy.
What about his mother? The Bible doesn’t tell us much about her. Perhaps, like some mothers, she pampered her son, believing that his future was her future. As C. S. Lewis once said, a mother can never love her son too much, but she can love him in the wrong way. Adonijah’s mommy may have made that costly mistake.
Even with all the advantages he had, Adonijah was a victim of parental neglect. Why? Because his parents overlooked his need for discipline. Read the rest of the story in the Bible to see the heartbreaking results. Adonijah caused his nation, his parents, his friends, and himself many serious problems. He died relatively young, destroyed in the prime of his life by his own self-centeredness.
Our children will only grow into responsible adults if we challenge their unruly behavior while they are still young and tender. An old Malayan proverb says: “If you want to mold the shape of the tree, begin when it is a twig.” Or, as the Bible says, “Teach a child how he should live, and he will remember it all his life.” (Proverbs 22:6, TEV)
How do we handle unruly children? Warn them! Challenge your child’s unruly behavior. Be prepared to enforce the warning with proper discipline if he disregards your voice. Proper discipline depends on the child’s age and personal development, and also his or her temperament. Sometimes a sharp word will be enough to enforce the rule, but we may need to go further.
We can learn how to warn our children and enforce those warnings, no matter what our temperament is, or theirs. But don’t become a passive parent. Passive parents are a danger to their children. When it comes to discipline, doing nothing is always the wrong choice.
by Mike Constantine
A married couple conceives a child in a moment of pleasure. For nine months they wait patiently while a tiny life develops in the mother’s body. Finally, after hours of painful labor, Mom and Dad hold their new baby in their arms. No other joy compares.
Many years of pleasure, patience, and sometimes pain await them. The same darling baby whose every new accomplishment brings joy and pride might some day make them want to hide their faces in embarrassment. One day they’ll boast about what great children they have, ready to tell the world their formula for parental success. The next day they might feel like the worst parents who ever lived. They will laugh, and they will cry. Being a parent is a roller coaster ride.
Most parents expect their share of pain and patiently bear it, knowing there will be many hours of pleasure as well. But for some, parental pain far outweighs parental pleasure. The Bible tells us, “Children are a gift from the Lord: they are a real blessing.” (Psalm 127:3, NIV) If that is so, why do so many parents feel frustrated with these living gifts from God? Mothers and fathers who had the highest expectations for their children watch those expectations turn into disappointments.
We can find help in the Bible. It has a tremendous amount of wisdom for parents. That wisdom comes in three major forms: instruction, example, and commandment.
Sometimes we even find parental wisdom in unexpected places. That happened to me when I was reading something written by Paul, the apostle. In I Thessalonians, chapter five, verse fourteen, Paul gives condensed instructions to church leaders about how to care for the people, their spiritual children. His advice to spiritual leaders will help parents, too. In fact, this verse became our personal parenting plan. I have paraphrased this verse so some important words will be easier to understand:
“Now we encourage you, brothers, warn the unruly, encourage the faint-hearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.”
Notice the three different types of people Paul mentions: unruly people, faint-hearted people, and weak people. In one short verse Paul tells the leaders the most effective way to treat each type. He very wisely recognizes that people need special care for their special difficulties. There isn’t just one solution for every challenge.
Like the leaders in that church, we can learn to understand the reason for our child’s behavior and use the remedy that matches that reason. If we misunderstand the reason, we could choose the wrong way to address the problem. And that can damage our child and our future relationship with our child.
In the next few sections we will look at each of the three possible reasons Paul gives, and apply them to our children. As you read them, why not ask God to speak to you about you and your child? His wisdom is never outdated, and will help us become effective parents for the twenty-first century.
by Mike Constantine
We live in a time of exceptional opportunities and overwhelming resources. Ideas bombard us, and our children, from all directions. But which ideas can we trust? Can parents have tons of information, yet little increase in their parental effectiveness? It seems so.
Many twenty-first century parents feel like rats in a maze— running, doing, achieving, earning. But even with all that rushing about, many also feel confused and unfulfilled. As American comedienne Lily Tomlin said, “The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you still feel like a rat.”
If you don’t live in Southeast Asia, you might not be familiar with kiasu. But here we know it all too well. It is a Chinese word for a win-at-all-costs attitude. It defines Singapore, and has quickly spread into other Asian countries. Kiasu means you must be first. Second place is no place.
If that attitude controls you, you risk becoming a hyper-parent. Here’s a brief description of hyper-parents. See how well it fits you.
Are you a hyper-parent? Then the rat race has you in its grip. You could even be raising little rats that will grow up into big rats, racing through mazes without any idea of what is really important.
Have you had enough of the rat race? Do you want to get out? It can be done. The material in this little booklet has helped thousands of parents find a better, more effective way to love and nurture their children. It is not meant to answer every question about every possible challenge. There are shelves of books and thousands of internet sites that will do that. This booklet is designed to give you just three ways to look at your child. It is small enough and simple enough that anyone can read it, but powerful enough to make a positive difference in you and your children.
The great news for parents is this: God can make you a better parent than you are, and you will love the changes! So will your kids, and so will all the people that interact with your kids: teachers, neighbors, extended family members, now; employers, spouses, neighbors and friends later. All will thank you for taking the time to make a positive difference in your child’s life.