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Power of Spoken Words

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How old were you when you learned to talk? Very verbal children might say their first words at 10 months. By age two you probably had a vocabulary of 200 to 300 words, and the ability to form simple sentences.

You might say that you’ve been saying words all your life. But the real question is, “What have those words done?” Sure, millions of them, even most of them, are gone and forgotten, having served their momentary purpose. Others, though, had profound and lasting consequences.

The Bible has hundreds of verses that speak about speaking, dozens in the book of Proverbs alone. At the core of the biblical teaching about our words is the idea that they have power- power to build or destroy; to bless or to curse; to heal or to wound; to instruct or to corrupt. I am sure other faith traditions teach about the power of words, too.

You are five years old. It’s a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Suddenly you come running into the house, crying. You’re sobbing like someone hit you with a stick. “What’s wrong?” Mom asks. “They called me stupid!” you moan.

When that happened to an American kid, his mom may have repeated the conventional wisdom that her mother told her: “Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you.”

Our moms meant well, but they were wrong. We’ve all been hurt by words, and sometimes the effect lasts years. Solomon the King said that reckless words pierce like a sword. Many of us know just how true that is. Insult, ridicule and rejection tore our souls like hooks tear soft flesh.

The power of words is multiplied by the closeness of the relationship. That’s because a close relationship requires some unguarded openness. A stranger’s malignant words can sting, but the same words from a spouse, parent, sibling, or child can eat at our souls like acid.

Thankfully, that is not the end of the story. If words can hurt, words can also heal. A well-timed comment from a compassionate heart can encourage us in a way that will change both the outlook and the outcome of our lives. Wise words, spoken in love and re-enforced regularly, can actually heal wounded hearts, reversing the damage of years.

A few years ago I decided to try to reconnect with a lady who was a like a mom to me when I was a teen. As we talked by phone, I told her about our lives and all we have done, by God’s grace. After a short, quiet pause she said “Mike, I am so proud of you.”

Friends, that dear woman has known me since I was 16. Now I am sixty-four. She saw me in the early, confused days of my development. To hear her express pride in what God has done in our lives means more, much more, than the passing compliment of a stranger.

When Diane- my wife, my lover, and my best my friend- tells me she is honored to be my wife, those words invigorate me. I want to become an even more honorable man in every way.

Good words spoken from good hearts have a good result. So, let healing encouraging, words flow from your heart to your husband or wife.

Here are some strategies:

When you hear a word that encourages you, acknowledge it and thank your spouse for saying it. We met a couple for counseling this week, one of many that we meet within any given year. As they sat together on the sofa the man touched her gently and said, “I love you.”

“Really?” said the wife. Her husband told us that that is her usual response. He expresses sincere love. She questions his sincerity. When someone does that it makes you feel that your words, meant to brighten and encourage, do just the opposite.

Careless words are like acid. When you say words that wound, withdraw them quickly before they eat away at your spouse’s soul. Tell your mate you are sorry for those words, and admit that you said them in a moment of anger or frustration.

If you have a backlog of hurtful words, declare a day when you will give yourselves a new beginning. Make it a “marriage merdeka.” It is a day to declare your freedom from all the hurtful words in your past. Agree to make a fresh start and to really think about what you say and how you say it.

Let’s have marriages that bring healing and growth. Speaking healing, encouraging words will help make that happen. Then we will see the truth found in the words of this old song:

“Down in the human heart, crushed by unkindness, feelings lie buried that grace can restore. Touched by a loving hand, wakened by kindness, Chords that were broken can vibrate once more.”

 

Talking Like the Animals

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Let’s take another look at communication, this time with the help of some animals. You’ll need to use your imagination, and maybe talk about it with your spouse.

Take a look at the animals below. See if you can identify yourself and your spouse. But remember: have fun with the animals. No fighting or self-condemnation, please.

Clam

Clams have a hard time getting their words out. Sometimes they are afraid to speak because they grew up in a very critical environment. To them it seems that every word was questioned. Since speaking never helped, they became clams. Better to say nothing and stay safe than to speak and get hammered.

People who know them wish they would open up, and some even try to force them open. That never works. Clams shut down when they are pressured and pried.

There is a way to help a clam, but it takes patience, gentleness, and loyalty. You have to invite them to open up and show them that you can be trusted. If you criticize their words too quickly, they will close up even tighter.

Puppy

Who does not love a puppy? They are cute, fun, cheerful and energetic. Sometimes, though, they just do not know when to stop yapping. Everything is so interesting to them, and there is so much to talk about.

Puppies need boundaries. They need to learn to leave room for others to express themselves. If you are married to one, you’re probably tempted to buy a muzzle for their yappy mouths. Don’t do it. Stifle a puppy too much and you will kill the very qualities you like about them.

Instead, find some little cues that you can give, maybe a touch on the arm, or a nudge, that let the puppy know you’d like to say something. Puppies can learn, and really want to learn, how to let others share their thoughts

Tiger

“Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night . . .”
So wrote William Blake. In his poetic eye, the tiger possessed a mystical combination of grace, strength, and stealth. He did not, however, capture one important fact you must never forget about tigers: if irritated or threatened they will attack. Since you never really know what irritates them, you tread lightly in their jungle.

We know husbands and wives like that. They do no say much. They just lurk in the bushes, an occasional menacing growl their only sound. Then, when you least expect it, Wham! They leap, roaring their disapproval, criticizing every decision, tearing weaker beings to pieces with their superior emotional strength and apparent logic. When satisfied that their conquest is complete, they become docile. Nice kitty.

In the human world tigers do not always look like tigers. A sweet, quiet wife can turn tiger in a minute, venting her stored up rage and dissatisfaction. The male acts differently. He menaces and warns constantly, quite insecure really, daring anyone to question his authority or decisions.

Until the tiger changes, and sometimes they never do, the rest of the family will live in constant tension. They will mind their manners and keep the peace, but deep resentments can develop in their minds.

Goat

Some people make a habit of finding something wrong with virtually everything we say. They often start their statement with, “But.” Now, we also say that when a goat lowers his head and charges into you, he is “butting you.” Isn’t English great? Just when you think you know what it means, it changes!

Goats are people who do a lot of “butting.” Goats are not evil. They just analyze too much. They seem to find an exception for every statement. Eventually people get tired of trying to communicate because they grow weary of all the “butting.”

If you are a goat, please give your husband or wife a break. Turn off your analyzer (if you can find the switch), and be a little more patient with his or her ideas.

If you are married to a goat, you might keep a cattle prod handy and just zap them when they interrupt. Or, you could just gently remind her to let you finish your thought before she butts in.

Beaver

Have you ever heard the expression “Busy as a Beaver?” We have beavers in the USA, and they deserve their reputation. They are the workaholics of the animal kingdom.

Beaver people always seem too busy to talk or listen. Their to-do list is their god, and you are not on it.

Beaver people need to put a special item on their to-do list, highlight it in red, and set it to repeat daily. The item: “Sit down. Slow down. Talk to spouse.”

If you are married to a beaver, try to show them there is more to life than another tree to chomp or another dam to build. Make conversation an appealing time, with no criticisms and complaints. You might be surprised. Mr. or Mrs. Beaver might just put their furry little head in your lap and quiet down.

When life is a zoo, be the zookeeper.

Think About It

1. Which animal best describes your most common communication style? What about your spouse? (You can combine animals to describe yourself if necessary, for instance, “Beaver-Tiger,” or “Clam-Goat.”)

Man:

Woman:

2. Do you sometimes take on another style? In what situations do you take on that other style?

3. Looking at your styles of communication, what special problems do you think they cause in your marriage?

Training the Animals

All of us have natural communication styles, but sometimes those styles are not the best for our marriages. God’s Spirit in us can open the clam, calm the puppy, tame the tiger, civilize the goat, and slow that beaver down. You really need to let him do it. Then you’ll find your blend, a blend that will keep your communication open all your marriage.

Don’t be afraid to change when it is God who is bringing the change. His changes are always for our best.“It is God who is working in you, both to will and to do what pleases him.” — Phil. 2:13

“Tame us, train us, Father I pray. Help us to allow you to make us better, more effective communicators.”

Expression and Understanding

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The Keys to Communication

Walter, a psychologist, made his living by helping hurting people. Although Walter cared about the people who came to him, he learned to care without becoming emotionally involved. Only by doing that could he survive the constant stream of critical problems he faced every day. If he had not practiced some detachment, he would have burned out faster than a cheap candle.

Walter has a wonderful wife, Sharon. Sharon wanted Walter (this man who made his living by listening, understanding, and communicating) to pay some attention to her. But she needed his attention as a husband, not as a professional. When Sharon wanted to talk with him, Walter would respond calmly and logically, just like he did with his clients. That drove Sharon crazy. She thought Walter, the professional counselor, could understand just about anyone but her. She didn’t  resent the people he helps. She just wanted Walter to give her more of himself than what he gave his clients. I am sure other husbands and wives feel the same way.

Earth to Walter, Come In Walter!

Walter and Sharon struggled with a common problem. Let’s call it disconnection. Drained by hours of listening to troubled people, Walter found ways to avoid Sharon or at least maintain some emotional distance. Frustrated by her husband’s logical response when he did talk with her, Sharon felt like giving up.

Couple conversations can get stale. Only necessary words. No more personal connection than you would feel with a someone you met at the supermarket, and maybe even less.

Even good marriages can have some connection problems. Take, for example, this lady’s comments: “My husband is a delightful guy, a kind man, and a wonderful lover, but something is missing. I am so lonesome I could cry.” For some reason she didn’t understand, she and her husband were not connecting.

Connection has two parts: expression and understanding. Both are vital. Just as the human body requires both veins and arteries for healthy circulation, relationships need both expression and understanding. Block either one and you threaten the heart of the marriage.

Strong Connection Repair Kit

If you feel disconnected from each other, here are some tools and techniques to help you express yourselves and understand each other.

Ask more questions. Make no false assumptions.

Good questions invite sincere responses. Assumptions make you look proud and insensitive.

Ask questions to understand, not to interrogate.

A man we know bombards his wife with questions. He asks them like a police officer questioning a subject, or an attorney cross-examining a hostile witness. For this man, questions are weapons. He doesn’t want to understand. He wants to keep her off balance, like a swordsman in a duel. Then, when she stumbles in her responses, he lunges for the kill. Remember: the value of a question depends on the underlying attitude of the person who asks it. If the attitude is sincere inquiry, questions can help. If we only want to wound, or protect our own hurting soul, questions become weapons.

Learn to listen and take time to listen.

Like me, you may have trouble listening. We’re like Martha, a woman in the Bible. One day Jesus visited the house she shared with her brother and sister. Martha got busy preparing a meal for her honored guest, but Mary, her sister, sat with Jesus, giving him her full attention.

We usually use this story to illustrate a deep spiritual truth. But allow me to draw something more down-to-earth from it. Serving a meal is important in Middle Eastern hospitality, so Martha was being a good hostess to her honored guest. She felt that Mary was a slacker, so she complained about her lazy sister to Jesus. But Jesus told her that Mary was actually doing what pleased him most.

It seems that Martha thought she was fixing the main course, but she was really missing it. That day Mary’s attention was more important to the Lord Jesus than food.

Sharon would say the same about Walter. You might have a spouse who says the same about you. My wife once told me that I was the only person she knew who could leave a room without using the door. Sure, my body is there. I nod, and even look straight at her, but my mind could be anywhere. Sometimes I even start doing some chore or read an article while she is talking with me. That kind of behavior doesn’t exactly assure her of my attention.

Thankfully, I am becoming a better listener, not great, but greatly improved. You can too. As a good friend once told me, “Learn to be present to the moment.” Don’t be so anxious to get to the bottom line. The trip is as at least as important as the destination. The process is at least as important as the conclusion. Give each other the wonderful gift of time and attention.

What’s the hurry, Speedy?

People think and respond at different speeds, like computers with different processors. Some, like me, think quickly and sometimes speak impulsively. Others, like my wife, need more time to process information and form a response. Neither is more intelligent. I can show Diane my love by giving her time to respond.

If you are the faster thinker and quicker responder, slow down. It will be good for you and good for your marriage. You’ll become less impulsive and more patient with everyone.

Hello? Hello?

If you need more processing time, ask your spouse to be patient with you. Remind them you are still there. Don’t leave your husband or wife hanging.  Your silence may be necessary for you, but fast thinkers can generate many false assumptions during long, awkward pauses. Assure your partner that you’re listening, that you want to understand, and that you need some time to ponder. It will help reduce wrong conclusions.

Learn to understand silence.

You know the sound. You’re talking on your cell phone when suddenly, instead of your friend’s voice, all you hear is silence. You have been disconnected. Some couples have been disconnected all their married lives, seldom speaking or listening. But please do not assume that silence means rejection or anger. Silence can have many meanings:

    • I have no words for how I feel. For some of us, this is often true. It’s hard to put feelings into words.
    • I don’t trust myself to speak without doing some major damage. We fear that we can’t find the right word.
    • I am afraid you’ll misunderstand me. Fear of being misunderstood disturbs many relationships, and sometimes with good reason. Some of us do a great job of making our spouses think they don’t speak clearly and accurately. But that is just another tactic for avoiding personal responsibility.
    • You might ridicule me or belittle me. Does anyone want to appear foolish? Yet how often do we, in subtle ways and obvious ones, make our spouses feel like fools?
    • I am angry. It’s better to let an angry spouse have a little time out rather than forcing words to be spoken in haste and anger. Agree that you will talk about the issue a little later.
    • I have given up hope. Every time we try to talk it only gets worse, never better. The only way to help a hopeless spouse is to assure him or her that you really do want to understand. Then put your assurance into action.

Avoid picking at words.

Some people love to do that. Like the religious teachers in Jesus’ time, we divert attention from the real issues by making a big deal out of insignificant details. Jesus said those religious teachers filtered out little insects and swallowed big, ugly camels. In our pride and defensiveness, and our desire to control our mates, we do the same thing.

Feelings are often deeper than words and sometimes, no matter how carefully we try to express them, we hurt each other. Remind yourself that the overall improvement of the relationship is your goal. If you pick at words, making an issue out of every small inaccuracy, you will never reach that goal.

Choose the right time and the right place.

We can really frustrate our efforts to communicate by trying to force communication at the wrong time. Of course, for some couples no time ever seems right. Too many obligations, too many appointments, and too little energy make it easy to remain disconnected. And when a couple have been disconnected for a long time, they often find it easier to just stay that way.

Plan a time. Pick a place. Don’t let anything interfere. Talk like friends. Do not force the conversation to become serious right away. Laugh. Discuss. Let the talk develop. Though it may not feel spontaneous, given time you will relax and reconnect.

Think, Act, Pray

1. As a couple, do you have anything in common with Walter and Sharon?

2. Which is harder for you personally: expressing your thoughts or understanding your spouse?

3. With your husband or wife in mind, finish this statement: “It would help me understand you if you would . .”

You Can Build a Durable Marriage

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Have you ever put the words “durable” and “marriage” in the same sentence? Probably not. Durability is a word we use with mechanical things, like cars. They have to be durable to stand up to years of mechanical stress. Besides, it costs so much to replace one if it breaks down. The cost of a broken marriage is greater. Much greater. It touches our children, our friends, and often other people as well. You cannot measure the damage in money lost, only in the pain and despair that follows a marital breakdown. For that reason we really need durable marriages.

Strong marriages are always the result of the sustained efforts of determined people. Yes, a mediocre marriage can continue for many years, but what is it worth? We need toughness to build truly successful relationships. Love is romance and flowers, yes. But it’s more.

I am really worried about Jane and Sean. They are planning to get married, but Jane has a problem. She lacks emotional strength. If she were a rose, her petals would drop five minutes after they bloomed. If she were a goldfish, she would be belly up when the water temperature changed by even a degree. You need a lot more strength than that to make a lasting enjoyable marriage. You need toughness.

What is toughness, and why does every marriage need it and require it? The dictionary defines tough as . . . strong and durable; capable of great endurance; sturdy; hardy. Men and women who have those characteristics build the best marriages, because marriage is much more than romantic emotions or good intentions. A healthy, lasting marriage requires tough, determined, endurance.

Not all strength is what it seems. How often have you heard someone described as a strong person, only to find, when you meet this person, that he or she is really inflexible, demanding, and manipulative? That’s not a strong person; that’s a person hiding weaknesses and fears under a hard shell.

Just one dictionary entry above the word tough, you will find its emotional opposite, touchy. Touchy people are easily offended. The smallest irritation, imagined or real, can cause a hurricane.

Diane and I once did a survey on anger with some couples in Singapore. Nothing scientific, just a simple question or two. One lady described herself as a ticking bomb. Quite a statement, isn it? She’s ready to explode at any moment. With a wife like that her husband would always be on edge, never knowing when the explosion will occur. Definitely a touchy situation.

I learned something about toughness the first time my family and I went to live in another country. Culture shock begins with the jolt you feel when you step off the plane in a new land. Then it builds gradually. As it intensifies, you can become irritable, defensive, and hard to live with. That was my experience in Africa. Everything, and everyone, irritated me. Finally one of our colleagues had as much of my negativity as she could take. “Toughen up, Mike!” she admonished me. “Quit criticizing and complaining so much. We’re not trying to make life difficult for you. In fact, the people here love you. Why don’t you relax a little and let them?” She was right. I did need to toughen up.

Not one of us is perfect. We are all sinners whom God is turning into saints. In many ways, we are works in progress. As much as I want my wife to enjoy being married to me, I know there are times (hopefully few) when she has to endure me. For that reason, I am glad I married a tough lady. She’s not hard, thank God, but she does have staying power.

One evidence of God’s presence in our lives is longsuffering, patience, or endurance. (See Galatians 5:22.) Longsuffering is an old, picturesque word that means exactly what it says: to put up with something longer than you think you should have to.

So God’s Spirit, gives us endurance when and where we need it. When our marriage passes through a difficult time, God is there to help us endure. Have you ever notice that the glasses at restaurants don’t seem to break as easily as the ones you have at home? I know why. If you look at the bottom of some of those commercial glasses, you’ll see the word tempered or durable. Those glasses have been treated with a special process that makes them less brittle.

Isn’t it great to know that God, who is working in our lives to make us complete lovers, can do the same thing with us? He makes us durable by tempering us. Are you durable? If not, ask God to help you develop true strength and endurance. Stop gritting your teeth, acting like some hero in an adventure movie. Rest in God, and let your relationship with him give you the staying power and durability your marriage needs.

Think, Act, Pray

Consider these pairs of words:

Flexible Brittle
Hardy Touchy
Resilient Listless
Durable Weak
Enduring Temporary
Forgiving Easily Offended

Do more of the words on the left or words on the right describe you? Which list describes your spouse? The more of the words on the left that describe you, your spouse, and your marriage, the tougher you, your spouse, and your marriage are.

Find some examples of endurance in the Bible. Can you think of any Bible characters who felt like giving up? What sustained them?

Try a Little Tenderness

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In the comic strip, Animal Crackers, there was an elephant named Eugene who was not exactly in touch with the other animals. One installment showed Eugene actually standing on some poor helpless zebra. “What?” he responded, totally oblivious to the zebra underfoot. Lots of apparent strength, but no sensitivity.

Some people are like Eugene. They think that tenderness is a synonym for weakness. Perhaps that is what the author of one book on management had in mind. She suggested that the way to get ahead is to never let anything reach your heart. At least, never let anyone see that it does. Be ruthless! Be aloof! Be Eugene.

Tenderness makes us responsive to the pleasure or pain of another person. Therefore, we need tender hearts to have a healthy relationship with friends, spouse, or even our children. Why, then, do so many married people seem to live in mutual isolation? A chief cause is self-centredness. Self-centred people only care about what directly affects them. They detach themselves from everything else. In many marriages, that has become the normal condition. Normal, but not healthy.

Lose the tenderness in your marriage and one of you could try to find it with a stranger. It happens every day. People who cheat often say that all they wanted was someone who understood them.

So, am I saying that we all need to become emotionally sensitive? Not really. As I see it, developing a tender heart has little connection to our level of emotional sensitivity.

True, some people are more emotionally sensitive. I am 100 per cent man, but I cry at poignant moments in movies. Music, whether sung or played, can move me deeply. My heart swells when I hear my nation’s anthem. I can go into raptures about a sunrise, though I will see thousands of them in my lifetime. The song of a bird will stop me in my tracks. In short, I am a sensitive man.

Bob, my dentist and friend, appears insensitive to some people (if you ask him, he will admit it). But I remember the day Bob had a hard time getting my right lower jaw anaesthetised. It wasn’t pleasant for me or for him.

After many ineffective Novocain jabs, he said, “Mike, we need to find a new dentist for you. You’re my friend, and I don’t like to hurt my friends.” If you meet both of us, you would probably say that I am more tenderhearted, Bob less so. That would be wrong. You would be equating sensitivity with tenderness, when the two are not the same thing.

Some hypersensitive people have almost no true tenderness for others. Their sensitivity is all focused inwardly. They care little about who gets hurt, as long as it isn’t them.

Yesterday, we saw a couple at a coffee shop in the mall. The young lady was crying. Really crying. What impressed us was the young man. He sat quietly, listening to her, lightly resting his hand on her shoulder. Not once did he look or act like he wanted to be someplace else. He just focused on her and tried to understand.

We can learn from him. He was present. He was concerned. He was supportive. I do not know the rest of their story, but that episode was touching.

Try a little tenderness. The result will be a life of shared joys and sorrows, and no one will feel isolated.

Think, Act, Pray

Sam has had a great day at his job. He comes home bubbling with enthusiasm, eager to share his joy with his wife. She, however, hasn’t had such a great day. In fact, nothing has gone the way she had hoped. How does she respond? ‘Your day! Your success! Don’t you care how I feel?’ Not what he had hoped for, and the beginning of a long, cold night.

Later, he finds her sitting alone in their room, turned away from him, crying softly. What is his first thought? ‘Oh no! Not tears! Not now!.’ He doesn’t say anything, at least not with words. But his posture, his attitude, and his impatience reveal his irritation.

Without intentionally trying to do so, Sam and his wife have isolated each other, closed each other out, because neither of them responded with tenderness.

1. What are some better ways for Sam’s wife to respond to him when he comes home?

2. What are some better ways for Sam to respond to his wife when he finds her crying?

3. If they have a pattern of isolation and self-centeredness, what are some practical steps they may take to bring tenderness to their marriage?

4. Do you have an example of a way your spouse shows tenderness to you? How did it help you?

A Final Note

Remember the difference between sensitivity and tenderness. As I said, it’s easy to mistake them. As you will see in the next segment, sometimes people who seem to be tenderhearted are really overly sensitive.