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Do We Still Need Marriage?

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For almost 30 years I have talked to Malaysians about dating and marriage. My wife and I have conducted hundreds of marriage seminars, taught family life courses for colleges, and counselled many couples as well. We also do pre-marriage counselling using materials that we developed in the Malaysian context.

Malaysians are smart. They want some clear answers, not just general principles. Instinctively they know that this a vitally important topic, something with life-long effects. They have watched their parents’ and associates’ marriages, evaluating whether a marriage like that is what they really want. As one young woman wrote to us in an email:

“I’m starting to feel slightly disillusioned about marriages. As it is, I can hardly muster excitement for my friends who are getting married. It’s just hard to be where they are when in my own life and relationship, I feel like a girl trying to wade to the other bank in a river of clay.”

It is even harder to know what to do about dating and marriage now than it was 25 years ago. Malaysian culture is changing rapidly, and much of that change is fuelled by an almost unlimited flow of ideas and concepts.

Ideas are powerful. They can change our beliefs, our values, our assumptions, and ultimately, our choices. Ideas come to us in messages, and we see or hear thousands everyday. Some come from media – in programmes, movies, music, yes, but also in advertisements. Some reach us through social networking. Our parents have their ideas and so do our spiritual leaders. We get some ideas by observing our world. Combining our observations with other messages we get from other channels, and we form opinions about life, including marriage.

So we really have no choice. Since we cannot live in a cave (and who would want to?), we have to find a way to evaluate messages and the ideas they contain.

This avalanche of conflicting messages and ideas may be one reason more young adults are delaying marriage.

A generation or two ago young people looked forward to marriage. They actually assumed that they would marry, once for life, sometime in their early to mid-twenties. Now those assumptions have changed:

“Today’s young adults often leave their parents’ home later, or return more often, extend their education longer, delay marriage, and change jobs more frequently than their parents’ generation. The factors affecting these changes range from economic conditions, to changing views and norms, to a changing portrait of this generation … ” (The Network to Transitions in Adulthood, (transad.pop.upenn.edu/about/whatweknow.html)

The same website continues:

“Nowhere do we see such a fundamental shift than in this generation’s views on marriage and family. Youth today are delaying marriage and family longer, and often believe it’s necessary to have all one’s ducks in a row (education completed, career well established, money saved for a house, etc.) before marrying.

“They also view potential partners in a much more romantic ideal. They are looking for that soulmate, someone who will be the ying to their yang. They are also less willing to give up their independence. Whereas past generations typically viewed marriage as you + me = us, today’s youth see it as you + me = you and me.”

Here is more data from the good old United States of America, the country whose social ideas and concepts are most widely spread throughout the world, particularly through media:

“When Belinda Luscombe (a researcher) argues that marriage is ‘in purely practical terms just not as necessary as it used to be,’ she has a rationale to back up her argument. ‘Neither men nor women need to be married to have sex or companionship or professional success or respect or even children.’

“All that is true — when marriage is viewed on the canvas of American culture. Marriage no longer regulates sex. The Sexual Revolution severed sex from marriage in a social sense, and the arrival of The Pill offered a pharmaceutical means of severing sex from reproduction.

“No-fault divorce arrived as a legal accommodation to marital impermanence, effectively redefining both marital and family law in the process. Social status and professional expectations were liberated from the question of marriage, and many feminists declared that marriage itself was an impediment to the full liberation of women. – Albert Mohler in Who Needs Marriage: TIME Asked the Question – Do You Have an Answer? Christianity.com

Closer to Malaysia, Singapore (which, it seems, often reflects the social changes that Malaysia eventually experiences) has its own challenges:

Singaporeans are getting married later, and more are staying single, according to Stork & Cupid Out to Lunch? – A Sociological Appreciation of Late Marriage and Low Fertility on Singapore Society by Paulin Tay Straughan, Department of Sociology, National University of Singapore

Those comments are just some examples of the shifting assumptions and changing ideas in the Malaysian experience. For a look at what marriage was intended to be, see Marriage by the Book

The Marriage You Really Want

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Do you have the marriage you really want? We do. Diane and I have been married for more than 50 years. And most of the time, for most of those years, our marriage has brought us deep satisfaction. Perfect? No. Wonderful? Yes!

It could have been different. Diane and I could be like two prisoners serving a life sentence in a cold, dark jail. Prisoners have two choices. They can resign themselves to their captivity and make the most of it. Or, they can look for ways to escape. Pretty obvious, isn’t it, that marriage jail is not a nice place.

I am not writing as a prisoner. I am writing as a man who would not escape even if he could escape. We love each other, my wife and I, and we really enjoy our marriage. Can you say the same?

A Little Background

Our committment to helping marriages and families began in 1981. We were teaching in a college in Nigeria and had the opportunity to conduct a marriage and family class. That desire followed us to Malaysia, where we taught, wrote, and counselled for four decades.

Over the years, we have talked to thousands of people about marriage. We have counseled many. Young couples preparing for marriage; couples just starting out on their marriages; even couples married for many years. We see them all. We know their joys and disappointments.

Many stories are wonderful, but some are so messed up that they make you want to cry. Most couples we meet are somewhere between the best and the worst. Maybe that is how you would describe your marriage, too.

The Question That Changes Everything

There is a question so powerful that it can change a life, a marriage, a family. It could even change a nation. Have any idea what it is?

Here are some common questions that can control how we see our marriage and our partner:

  • How can I be happy in my marriage?
  • How can I get my partner to do what I want him or her to do?
  • How can we make this marriage last?
  • How can we rediscover our lost love?

Some of those are good, to a point. But not one of them is the question that changes everything. To change everything, we need the miracle question.

Here is the Miracle Question:

“What can I do to help?”

Simple, yes. All one syllable words. But consider the power in that question:

  • It makes us givers, not takers.
  • Our focus changes from getting our needs met to helping our partner.
  • We look at our marriage as something so important that we want to make it as great as it can be.
  • Since helping takes time and attention (there is no other way to help), we  make sure that we give our marriage, and our spouse, enough time and attention.

This miracle question also creates hope. Believe me, when you feel hopeless about your marriage, or about your marriage partner, every day is cloudy. You live with no sense of expectation, for you feel that every day will be as dull as the day before. It is marriage lived in the shadows, never in the sunlight. The miracle question can  change all of that.

Some couples never think about their marriage with the miracle question in mind. From the beginning, their marriage has been a competition, with each partner trying to get, not finding ways to to give. It makes me wonder why they married at all.

Others start well. Then, when life becomes demanding, their marriage is the first thing to suffer. A neglected marriage cannot refresh us. We  become more irritable, more demanding, and less hopeful. We might even start looking for our fulfillment with someone else.

If  we use it, the miracle question makes marriages beautiful. But you must use it. It might be hard at first, a little like wearing contacts that hurt a little but gradually realign your vision. Soon you are so accustomed to seeing life through them that everything else feels wrong.

I have one more secret for you. The miracle question is love in action. becuase true love always helps. By asking the question and trying to answer it, you become a more loving husband or wife.

Start today. Look for anything you can do, say, or think that will help your spouse. Do it without calling notice to it, and keep doing it. Little by little you’ll start to experience the marriage you really want.

你 的婚姻和諧嗎？

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種流行病正在風行世界。如果這種病屬於醫學上所講的，人類則可以尋找 各種方法來抗擊它，比如可致人死亡的可怕的病毒。但是，這裏所說的 這種流行病並不是普 通意義上的病痛，它不會直接帶來死亡。

這 種流行病就是進入死角的婚姻和家庭。它是社會精神上的災難，病態的關係和病態的人群，而且呈上升趨勢。每個國家、每種文化、每種經濟形態下，大家都能看到 這樣類似的症狀。有時它會直接導致婚姻破裂，有時卻只呈現一種慢性趨勢導致痛苦的延續。

專 業術語稱這種病為“功 能紊亂”。 我們可以說，“他 們的關係正處於功能紊亂狀態。”但 是這裏，我不想講得過於術語化。根據牛津大字典，“功 能紊亂”簡 單說就是“運 行不正常或不恰當”。 換句話說，這些婚姻關係已經損壞，需要進行修補。損壞的嚴重嗎？需要如何修補？這個很難說。但是大體來講，問題被忽視的時間越長，修補的手術就越大。

你 可能覺得有些夫妻已經獲得免疫了，其實不然。無論處於何種生活狀況，何種經濟狀況，選擇哪種宗教信仰或精神寄託，沒有一個人是免疫的。不論商界領袖還是辦 事職員，牧師還是教堂會員，窮人還是富人，婚姻破裂都曾經在他們的身上發生過。因此，它也可以照樣發生在你的身上。

你的婚姻和諧嗎？

這 裏有8個 衡量指標可以幫助你瞭解你們婚姻的健康狀況。讀完指示以後，請儘量如實選擇並寫下最能體現你們婚姻狀態的數位。

1.  你們婚姻關係的大體緊張狀況。所有的婚姻都會有關係緊張的時候，或者某段緊張的時期。但持久的緊張則預示著你們的婚姻存在一些棘手的問題。正常的和諧的婚 姻 關係應該是寧靜的，而不是緊張。

關 係緊張:

偶 爾有過 2——–4——–6——-8 持 續如此

2.  幸福和笑聲在減少。快樂是每個幸福婚姻的必要條件，很有一些夫妻已經不記得他們最後一次開懷大笑是在什麼時候了。沒有增添新的快樂，婚姻反而消耗了他們的 原 有的快樂。你的婚姻呢？你們一起分享快樂嗎？你們的和諧關係給你帶來快樂了嗎？每當想起自己的愛人臉上便會洋溢幸福的微笑，你還記得上一次是什麼時候嗎？

快樂:

通 常 2——–4——–6——-8 很 少

3. 你很容易分心，而且很難讓自己全神貫注于對方。其實偶爾的注意力不集中在每個人身上都發生過。如果你們有了孩子，這種情況會更多。聰明的夫妻懂得如何關注 他 們的關係，會花點時間給對方特別的驚喜。而處於關係危機中的夫妻則會說“我 沒有時間”。請看以下來自一位研討會的出席者的評論：

我 不記得我們倆上一次心貼心的交談是什麼時候了。我們好像總是把時間讓給其他事情，卻吝嗇把時間留給彼此。我們的生 活是一大批急切的需求的集合體，它們占滿 了我們的神經。

煩 心

很少 2——–4——–6——-8 經常

4. 電視和電腦奪走了交流的機會。我們知道，電視有娛樂、教育和開闊眼界的功能。你們是否通過利用電視避開彼此？電視和網路有沒有打亂你定好的日常計畫? 有 沒有勇氣關掉電視機利用這個時間去做一些對婚姻有益的事情？

電 視與電腦:

適當的 2——–4——–6——-8 過多

5. 作為夫妻，你們沒有有效地交流。每對夫妻都有自己獨特的交流方式，但並不是每種都有益。如果長時間孤立彼此，漠視婚姻生活中的重要細節，那麼婚姻很容易陷 入 困境。

交 流:

交談 2——–4——–6——-8 逃避

6.性生活方面抱怨多於滿足。性的滿足是上帝賜予已婚夫妻最好的禮 物。健康和諧的性關係可以加強親密度，釋放壓力，充滿樂趣！你們雙方 是否體會到了性的樂趣呢？

性 滿足:

滿意 2——–4——–6——-8 挫敗

7. 你很容易被小事情激怒。也很容易煩躁。親密被忽略的時候易怒情緒開始滋生。那時連說話的語調都高了八度。反抗情緒時常產生，大家相互冷漠對方。

生 氣與憤怒

很少 2——–4——–6——-8 持續很久

8. 你們經常各做各的事，沒有共同的活動。我們認識一對夫婦。他們有漂亮舒適的家，生活富裕，常去教堂禮拜，且事業有成。如果看一下他們倆的日常活動安排，你 會 驚訝地發現他們幾乎沒有在一起共處的時間。實際上，他們的生活更像兩個獨立的世界。冰凍三尺非一日之寒。這是由長久以來忽略彼此，把精力更多地投入到自己 的活動和事業所造成的。

共 處:

健 康 2——–4——–6——-8 很少或幾乎沒有

現 在把得分累計起來，如果最後得分為：H4

20 或 以下——你 們婚姻和諧健康，雙方都投入其中並獲得滿足。

24 分 及以上——你 們婚姻比較和諧，如能再給與對方多一點額外的關注會更好。

40 分 及以上——你 們的婚姻正遭遇巨大壓力，極少獲得滿足。

50 分 及以上——你 們得婚姻可能很不幸福。如此高分表明你們彼此冷淡，忽略關注彼此，婚姻關係存在嚴重的問題。

那 麼，得高分的夫婦依然可以生活在一起嗎？答案是肯定的。因為一般婚姻只有到窮途末路那一步才會考慮離婚。一些人選擇法律上保存婚姻的名分，雖然實際上早已 形同陌路。從表面看好似還好，但實際上眼裏話語裏滿是傷痕，尤其在不設防的時刻更為明顯。

思考行動祈禱

1.  提 醒你們對婚姻關係做改善的最早預示信號是什麼？

2.  哪 種預示信號你覺得是最難處理的？為什麼？

3.  從 現在做起的，你覺得如何努力能讓你們的婚姻關係更加健康？

TC GGM – How Healthy is Your Marriage?

和諧親密

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你見過這樣的夫妻嗎?他們的關係看起來十分和諧美滿，而且天天如此。 親密便是他們頭頂上的那道光環。它是每個成功的婚姻都必有的核心因 素。但是，不幸的是很多夫妻都將親密丟掉了。甚至有些都不曾有過。沒有溫暖人心的親密，他們的關係如寒冬一樣冷淡。我們常看到一些冷漠的人，他們為了自我 保護把自己藏起來。

家庭臨床醫學家詹森訪問過很多已婚夫婦，並通過它核實了親密關係對幸 福婚姻的重要性。他發現，對於他所採訪的所有生活幸福的夫妻，維持 和諧婚姻都具有4個關鍵因素：

  • 語言的親密：一 起說話，相互理解
  • 行為的親密：一 起做事，雙方 一起投入
  • 解決問題上的親密：對 常規挑 戰性問題，盡力找出明智可行的解決方案
  • 性生活上的親密：性 愛促進雙 方並使雙方得到滿足；

作為耶穌的信徒，我要再加一項。

  • 精神上的親密：對 上帝有共同的信仰，願意在各 個方面一同取悅上帝。

每對夫婦在各個方面的親密方式都跟他們各自的個性、生活方式以及生活 階段相關聯。但在每個搖曳的婚姻關係中很容易就見到這些。

如果說這5個信條對婚姻幫助如此之大，為什麼有那麼多的夫婦卻做不好 呢？我們將會在其他章節中對此做更細節的討論。這裏有個簡短且精闢 的答案：就現有條件來看，親密的關係並非唾手可得，這是為什麼很多夫妻還沒有建立親密關係的主要原因。

建立親密時常遭遇挫折的根源在哪里呢？為幫助大家理解，我們來舉個亞 當和伊夫的故事做例子。你可以在起源第二章和第三章中讀到，下面是 這個故事的梗概：上帝造了純潔無暇的男人和女人。他讓他們兩個生活在一起。這是獨一無二的婚姻狀況，人類最親密的關係的典範。雖然他們赤裸著身體，相互之 間沒有任何隱私，但他們從來不覺得羞恥，也不躲藏。這聽起來很完美，是不是？我們只能說，過去是。因為這種完美持續的時間並不長。

因為上帝想要真實的人，不是可控制的機器，他創造了這第一對夫妻，並 賜予了他們做決定的思維能力，無論好的還是壞的。結果是，他們做出 了壞的決定。他們的決定違背上帝的命令，他們偷嘗了禁果。違禁污染了一切，也包括他們倆的關係。上帝曾經給亞當和伊夫一個約束：他們不可以去吃一種樹的果 子。但是惡魔總是來干擾。他誘惑他們倆，騙他們說是上帝對他們撒了謊，把好的東西藏起來不給他們。於是，他們偷嘗了禁果，而這禁果恰是上帝曾囑咐他們千萬 不能吃的。

偷嘗禁果的那一刻，他們感受到了一種前所未有的感覺，而那恰恰是羞恥 的。這使得他們想掩蓋自己，阻止對方看見彼此，包括上帝。看到此前 此後的區別嗎？在這之前，親密是自然而然的東西，他們從不隱藏什麼也不害怕什麼。而嘗了果子之後，羞恥感隨之而來，緊跟著懷疑和疏離。親密曾經來的那麼容 易，不用任何擔心和疑問，而現在呢，難於上青天。

沒人知道亞當與伊夫當時的情景，我們無從知道他們怎樣講話，怎樣歡 笑，抑或怎樣做愛。但我們知道了他們現在需要彼此掩蓋和隱藏。試著去 想像那場景，想像第一次覺得害羞的感覺。這是很難的事情，因為我們根本無法想像這兩個人最開始是何等的質樸與純潔。在某種程度上來講，我們一輩子都生活在 隱藏中。

人人都渴望真正的親密。但是由於罪惡的降臨，壓力使得我們在建立親密 的過程中挫折不斷。這是人性使然。 我們想的要的越多，我們越害怕和抗拒。羞恥感的核心實際上是對拒絕又害怕又渴望的心理。心理學者保羅·吉伯特曾對羞恥有如下描述， “一種對認可丟失恐懼的極端形式”

羞恥感帶來懷疑。使得我們很難去相信別人，總是懷疑別人對我們是否說 真話。因為羞恥感與猜疑會引起彼此疏離，我們慢慢發現大家在孤立中 變得疏遠。

羞恥、猜疑與孤立，這三個已經成為人際關係，包括與上帝，與朋友與愛 人之間的親密障礙。也許現在我們明白為什麼親密的關係如此難以獲得 和維持了。我們都在掩藏自己，害怕在他人面前暴露自己的真實想法。

思考，行動，祈禱

1. 在你們結婚初期，哪種親密關係是你們覺得最容易獲得的？

2. 哪種親密關係是你們覺得最難去獲得和維持的？

3. 思考你所見的羞恥感，猜疑和孤立影響婚姻生活的例子。這三樣東西如何給你的婚姻生活帶來挫折？

TC GGM – Understand Intimacy