Do you have the marriage you really want? We do. Diane and I have been married for more than 50 years. And most of the time, for most of those years, our marriage has brought us deep satisfaction. Perfect? No. Wonderful? Yes!

It could have been different. Diane and I could be like two prisoners serving a life sentence in a cold, dark jail. Prisoners have two choices. They can resign themselves to their captivity and make the most of it. Or, they can look for ways to escape. Pretty obvious, isn’t it, that marriage jail is not a nice place.

I am not writing as a prisoner. I am writing as a man who would not escape even if he could escape. We love each other, my wife and I, and we really enjoy our marriage. Can you say the same?

A Little Background

Our committment to helping marriages and families began in 1981. We were teaching in a college in Nigeria and had the opportunity to conduct a marriage and family class. That desire followed us to Malaysia, where we taught, wrote, and counselled for four decades.

Over the years, we have talked to thousands of people about marriage. We have counseled many. Young couples preparing for marriage; couples just starting out on their marriages; even couples married for many years. We see them all. We know their joys and disappointments.

Many stories are wonderful, but some are so messed up that they make you want to cry. Most couples we meet are somewhere between the best and the worst. Maybe that is how you would describe your marriage, too.

The Question That Changes Everything

There is a question so powerful that it can change a life, a marriage, a family. It could even change a nation. Have any idea what it is?

Here are some common questions that can control how we see our marriage and our partner:

• How can I be happy in my marriage?
• How can I get my partner to do what I want him or her to do?
• How can we make this marriage last?
• How can we rediscover our lost love?

Some of those are good, to a point. But not one of them is the question that changes everything. To change everything, we need the miracle question.

Here is the Miracle Question:

“What can I do to help?”

Simple, yes. All one syllable words. But consider the power in that question:

• It makes us givers, not takers.
• Our focus changes from getting our needs met to helping our partner.
• We look at our marriage as something so important that we want to make it as great as it can be.
• Since helping takes time and attention (there is no other way to help), we  make sure that we give our marriage, and our spouse, enough time and attention.

This miracle question also creates hope. Believe me, when you feel hopeless about your marriage, or about your marriage partner, every day is cloudy. You live with no sense of expectation, for you feel that every day will be as dull as the day before. It is marriage lived in the shadows, never in the sunlight. The miracle question can  change all of that.

Some couples never think about their marriage with the miracle question in mind. From the beginning, their marriage has been a competition, with each partner trying to get, not finding ways to to give. It makes me wonder why they married at all.

Others start well. Then, when life becomes demanding, their marriage is the first thing to suffer. A neglected marriage cannot refresh us. We  become more irritable, more demanding, and less hopeful. We might even start looking for our fulfillment with someone else.

If  we use it, the miracle question makes marriages beautiful. But you must use it. It might be hard at first, a little like wearing contacts that hurt a little but gradually realign your vision. Soon you are so accustomed to seeing life through them that everything else feels wrong.

I have one more secret for you. The miracle question is love in action. becuase true love always helps. By asking the question and trying to answer it, you become a more loving husband or wife.

Start today. Look for anything you can do, say, or think that will help your spouse. Do it without calling notice to it, and keep doing it. Little by little you’ll start to experience the marriage you really want.