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积极的帮助

by Mike Constantine

文森特,一个10岁大的谜一样的孩子。没有人明白他,朋友们觉得他 笨,甚至当面这样说他。他的老师也头疼,有些说他不听话,有些说他注 意力不集中,还有一位说他就是懒。

虽然疼爱自己的儿子,文森特的父母还是担心老师们的话是对的。他们觉 得很失败,于是尝试各种方法,只要他能听话便给予奖励,甚至也试过 训斥和惩罚。但文森特仍然抗拒学校作业。儿子的行为使父母觉得丢脸。“为什么他就不能象他姐姐一样?”他们问。 “她总是很乖,学习成绩也很好。”

家庭生活是紧张的,特别是家庭作业时间。文森特经常忘记作业。有时他 坐在那里发愣,明显忘记了学习,本来只需30分钟的作业要持续数小 时。他经常扔掉铅笔,甩掉课本,喊到,“我就是笨!”

文森特是智力迟钝还是学东西慢呢?都不是,他思路清晰。他反叛吗?通 常不是,但是一旦作业让他为难,就会显得有些反叛。他是精神上的问 题吗?不太可能,因为文森特深深爱着上帝,并且心地善良。那么为什么一个有如此多优秀品质的孩子同时又如此固执,并在学业上出现问题呢?

解开谜团

这是文森特之谜,解释如下:文森特有学习障碍— —一种特殊问题,使他难以在正常的学校里学 习。他的问题并不严重,轻易看不出来,这就使问题更糟。文森特的困难不在于他的智力,而在于他处理信息的方式。在适当的帮助下,文森特能够成为杰出的人 才。然而,如果得不到帮助,如果他被忽视或误解,他真正的潜能就会被埋没。

象文森特这样的孩子需要帮助以便克服自身的弱点。帮助弱者意味着当他 们负担过重,你需要帮助他们分担一部分。问题可能出现在各个方面: 身体上的、精神上的、情感上的。不管原因是什么,这个孩子需要帮助。他不需要我们的责备,因为责备会加重他的负担。忽视他或把他视为适应不良者都只会使事 情更糟。他只是需要一些帮助。有些弱点随着时间的流逝会自我纠正,但是有一些却始终需要人帮助。你愿意帮助你的孩子吗?

有些父母不想看到自己孩子的缺陷,因为一旦发现,就需要找到方法去帮 助解决。他们可能不知道如何帮助或从何处获取帮助。他们甚至可能认 为孩子的缺陷即意味着自己是差劲的父母。有些父母确实视缺陷为耻辱。

当右手是错的时候

我的一位中国朋友请我在这里和大家分享他的故事,他希望这样的事情不 要发生在别的孩子身上。

吉米天生就是左撇子。左撇子并不是什么缺陷,虽然在在这个普遍使用右 手世界里确实显得有些与众不同。然而,朋友的父亲认为儿子的左撇子 是不好的。每次他看到孩子用左手,他都会棍子打他。(这样的事情发生在很多孩子身上,他们的数量比你知道的要多,特别是在亚洲的某些地区。)

这样的作法起作用了。在惩罚的威胁下,我的朋友开始使用右手。他还开 始说话结巴,学校功课也出现问题。朋友的父亲在强迫孩子使用右手的 同时,还引起了孩子的严重的精神和情绪问题,只是那时他并没有意识到。

从初中到高中,问题还在继续。一天,年轻人在图书馆发现了一本关于左 撇子的书。读完后他发现,父亲强迫他使用右手给他带来了口吃和思考 问题。于是,就象火山爆发,他对父亲大发脾气,把书甩在父亲面前,并喊到,“看看你都对我做了些什么!”

通过努力和坚持,朋友克服了自身的问题并成为一个成功的商人和社区领 导。他甚至原谅了父亲当年的不理解和给他的那些不公平的惩罚。他现 在还是从容地使用左手。在他的案例中,左是对的,右是绝对错误的。

当我们将不同当成是耻辱并使用错误的方式试图去改变它时,我们为孩子 们带来了多少不必要的挫折和伤害!

帮助孩子克服弱点

学习什么是我们能够改变,什么是我们不能改变的

如果我们总是试图改变无法改变的事情(就象我那位左撇子朋友的父 亲),我们会让孩子沮丧和痛苦。然而,如果孩子们身上的某些弱点是通过 正确的指导可以改掉的,那么我们就不可以置身事外了。

承认你的错误态度

父母们的通病之一是不耐心。不耐心的家长会抚养出烦躁的孩子。我们希 望立竿见影的效果,但是通常帮助孩子克服不足是需要长期努力的。

还记得新约圣经一书第一部第五章的那一节吗?保罗对教堂领袖说的最后 一句话:“… …耐心地对待每个人。”改变需要时间。 有些事情可以在瞬间发生,孩子们可不一样。

很多年前我在我的《圣经》前写下这段话:“对别 人耐心些,因为别人对你耐心了。”记住上帝是 如何耐心地对待我们,鼓励我们的进步,而不是责骂我们的不足之处。

本节开头时提到的小男孩文森特,如今已是一位备受尊重的成功人士。他 的成功很大程度上要归功于他的父母,一直以来的耐心和坚持。有时他 们也想过放弃,但是他们没有,文森特也没有。

发掘长处,加强弱处

发掘孩子的潜能,而不是她的问题。寻找孩子的天生才能,并培养那些特 殊能力。鼓励她做到最好,即使她不是最好。

获取最容易获取的帮助

文森特的父母找到了他们需要的帮助,一位教育指导理解文森特的行为, 并知道应该采取什么措施。也许找到帮助有些困难,但不要放弃。

继续祈祷

记住感谢上帝赐予你孩子—他们的问题、不足、所有的一切。你的孩子仍然是上帝赐予你的礼 物,也是给世界的礼物,世界需要她这样的人,知道怎样去克服困难和自身不足的人。不要放弃!有一天,你的孩子可能会帮助成千上万的其他人。

想想你的童年,还记得你的父母是如何帮助你克服困难和不足吗?他们是 不是也帮助过你接受自己?还是他们让你因为自己的不足和不同而感觉 羞耻?他们对待你的方式可能影响到你对待你自己的孩子的方式,但只要你愿意,也可以改变。你可以找出其中不对的部分,并向上帝敞开心扉。他会帮助你找到你 所需要的帮助。他会改变你,从而改变你的孩子的命运。

SC PP- Positive Help

Filed Under: SC, SC-PP Tagged With: help, weakness

Help the Challenged Child

by Mike Constantine

Meet Vincent, the ten-year-old mystery child. No one understands him. His friends think Vincent is stupid. They even tell him so. He puzzles his teachers. Some say he is uncooperative; some say he is inattentive; one says he’s just lazy. But they all believe that Vincent is a problem.

Although they love their son, Vincent’s parents fear that the teachers are right. They feel defeated. They offer him rewards if only he’ll cooperate, even scold and discipline him. Still Vincent struggles and rebels against school work. Their son’s behavior embarrasses them. “Why can’t he be like his sister?” they ask. “She is such an easy child, and so good at her studies.”

Home life is hectic, especially at homework time. Vincent often forgets assignments. Sometimes he sits, staring into space, apparently ignoring his studies. Assignments that should take thirty minutes fill hours. Frequently Vincent throws his pencil down, slams his book closed and shouts, “I’m just stupid!”

Is Vincent retarded, or a slow learner? Not at all. He is a good thinker and comes to very sound conclusions. Is he rebellious? Not usually, but it appears so when his school work ties him in knots. Is his problem spiritual? Not likely, for Vincent has a deep love for God and real compassion for others. How can one boy have so many good qualities and still be so stubborn and uncooperative about his school work?

The Mystery Explained

That’s the mystery of Vincent. Here’s the explanation of it. Vincent has learning differences: special problems that make it hard for him to learn in a normal school room setting. His problems aren’t serious enough to detect easily, and that makes things worse. Vincent’s difficulty isn’t his intellect, but the way he processes information. With the proper help, Vincent will become an outstanding young man. However, if someone doesn’t help him, if he is ignored or misunderstood, Vincent’s true potential will be wasted.

A child like Vincent needs someone to help him conquer his weakness. Helping the weak means we bear part of their load when their load gets too heavy. The problem could be in any area: physical, mental, or emotional. Whatever the cause, this child needs our help. He doesn’t need our condemnation, for that would make his load heavier. Ignoring him or treating him like a misfit does more damage. He needs our help. Some weaknesses will correct themselves in time, but others will always require a helper. Will you be that helper for your child?

There are parents who don’t want to see their child’s weakness, for if they see it then they have to find a way to help. They may not know how to help or where to get help. They may even think their child’s weakness means that they aren’t good parents. And some parents actually see a weakness as something shameful.

When Right is Wrong

I have a Chinese friend who encouraged me to share his story. He hopes that others like him will not suffer as he did, or mistreat their children as his parents mistreated him.

Jimmy was born left-handed. Being left-handed isn’t a weakness, though it does present certain challenges in a right-handed world. However, my friend’s father saw his son’s left-handedness as disgraceful. When he saw the boy use his left hand he would hit him with a stick. (That has happened to more children than you know, especially in parts of Asia.)

It worked. Under threat of punishment my friend began using his right hand. He also started stuttering and struggling with his school work. By forcing him to use his right hand, my friend’s father was creating serious mental and emotional problems, though he didn’t know it at the time.

Through primary school and into secondary school the problems continued. Then one day Jimmy spotted a book about left-handed people in the library. He discovered that by forcing him to use his right hand, his father may have caused his stuttering and thinking problems. Like a volcano, he erupted with anger at his father. Throwing the book down in front of him he shouted, “This is what you have done to me!”

Through hard work and endurance my friend overcame the damage and has become a successful businessman and community leader. He’s even forgiven his father for his lack of understanding and for the undeserved punishment he received. He now uses his left hand without shame. In his case, left was right, and right was definitely wrong.

We cause needless anger and damage when we treat a difference as something shameful, and use the wrong means to try to change it.

Helping Our Children Conquer Their Weaknesses

Learn What Can Change and What Cannot

If we always try to change the unchangeable (like the father of my left-handed friend) we will frustrate and embitter our children. However, it is just as damaging to let our children live with a weakness they could strengthen with the right kind of help.

Recognize Your Wrong Attitudes

Impatience is a common temptation for parents. An impatient parent produces uneasy children. We want instant change, but often it takes a long time to help a child become a conqueror.

Remember the verse from I Thessalonians, chapter five? Paul concluded his counsel to the leaders of the church with this reminder: “. . . be patient with all.” Change takes time. Children are not instant noodles.

Years ago I wrote this phrase in the front of my Bible: “Be patient with others; others have been patient with you.” Remember how patiently God cares for us, encouraging our progress, not damning our imperfections.

Vincent, the young boy in the beginning of this section, is a man today, highly respected, and successful. He is successful, largely, because his mother and father exercised patience and persistence. At times they felt like giving up, but they didn’t, and neither did Vincent.

Encourage Strengths, Strengthen Weaknesses

If you only focus on the weaknesses, you can easily miss your child’s strengths. That young man who struggles with his mathematics might have a very loving and compassionate nature. Don’t kill that strength. Notice it. Encourage it.

See your child’s potential, not just her problems
Life must not become centered on a child’s problems. Look for your child’s natural gifts and talents, and encourage those special abilities. Encourage her to do her best, even if she can’t be the best.

Find the Best Available Help

Vincent’s parents found just the help they needed from a school counselor who understood their son’s behavior, and knew what steps to take. Finding the helper you need may be hard for you, but don’t give up trying. More and more resources are available to parents and their children, but always check the reliability of those resources. You can do that by doing a little research on the internet.

Keep Praying

Remember to thank God for your child– problems, weaknesses, and all. Your child is still a gift from God to you, and to a world that needs people just like her who have learned to conquer their difficulties and weaknesses. Don’t give up! Your child could some day help thousands.

As you think about your childhood, do you have any memories of your mother and father helping you conquer a weakness or a difficulty? Did they help you to accept yourself? Or did they make you feel shameful for your weakness and differences? The way they treated you may be affecting the way you treat your own children. It doesn’t have to. You can recognize the wrong patterns and confess them to God. He will help you find the help you need. He will change you, and use you to change your child’s destiny.

“Father God, we come to you as mothers and fathers who often don’t know what to do and how to help our children. Give us your wisdom. Help us to see our sons and daughters through your eyes. Send us the right people to help us find the right wisdom to help them grow and conquer. Thank you for loving us– even with our weaknesses– and for making our lives a showcase for your amazing grace. Amen.”

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: encourage, help, learning differences, left handed, weakness

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