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A Marriage Masterpiece

by Mike Constantine

What color would you use to describe passion? Walk through the romance section at any bookstore. You’ll find yourself surrounded by shades of purple and red. Each cover advertises the passions waiting for you on its pages. They use a lot of silky legs and bared male torsos, too.

Publishers know their customers well. Many people hunger for sexual passion. Some read such books to prime what little passion they have, or to replace a passion lost or never experienced.

Red and purple have their place, but in marriage, that palette is far too limited. Marital passion does include sex, but only as a part of a much broader picture.

If I were painting a marriage, I would use many colors to express passion. Bright yellows for those glorious days that glow with life.  Shades of green to show the growth and life that passion brings. I would even add some browns and greys – colors that represent the usual days with their down-to-earth duties and quiet endurance, a background showcasing life in all its hues.

And, I think I would need a little black, too. Black, like the darkness that surrounds us when a loved one is ill. Black, like the despondency that chokes us when life is unfair. Black, like the fear we feel when we must make a major decision, but have no idea what to do.

One master painter, Ver Meer, had a genius for the use of white. Combined with his amazing perception of light, his whites gave his paintings luminance, as though they had some hidden source for their radiance. Yes, I would add white to my marriage painting, to represent the hidden radiance that lights up all healthy marriages and makes them shine. You have seen it, and when you see it you wish for it.

In marriage, passion is far more than romance and sex. Passion is a deep, abiding desire to experience a lasting, satisfying, edifying marriage. That’s why you need so many colors to portray it. Passion is much more than emotion. Popular culture never separates the two. In that fantasy world, passion equals emotion. In real life, passion can motivate us even when our emotions feel flat.

The core for this kind of passion – the force that keeps it throbbing in a marriage, comes from a combination of commitment and determination. I love to see that in couples. I know that with those qualities, and some patience and forbearance, they will paint a mural of great and subtle beauty.

Sadly,  some marriages seem to lack color. It’s as though the couple never learned how to make all the moments, with all their hues, part of their painting. They exist. But do they live?

I watched a man of eighty-eight, still healthy, caring for his wife, who has Parkinson’s Disease. They are all out of red and purple. They know that the time for those colors has passed. But how they paint! In kind words and thoughtful actions, I watch them love each other. Even black days have points of light where their love shines through.

In marriage, we paint by moments on a canvas of days. Our brushes are actions and words. Our colors are attitudes. Stroke by stroke, dot by dot, the painting grows. Each husband, each wife, adds to the canvas. And each canvas can become a masterpiece.


This is the last article in the Growing a Great Marriage Series. You may want to return to the English Home page to see what other materials are available.

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: commitment, determination, passion

Commitment Testers

by Mike Constantine

Come to a wedding with me. Flowered archways and candles adorn the church. Music plays softly. Friends and family fill every seat. The wedding party enters. Expectation rises with the music as the bridegroom, and all present, await the arrival of the woman who will join him in marriage.

Down the aisle she comes, a picture of beauty touched with hope, and a just a trace of anxiety. She joins her husband-to-be at the altar, there to make their vows of commitment in the presence of their friends, their family, and God.

With solemn words, the bride and groom make a mutual, lifelong commitment to their marriage and to each other. If they live another fifty years, they will have more than 18,250 days to prove their commitment. 18,250 days! That’s a life sentence!

Each day will have its joys, but also many commitment testers. Building a successful, intimate marriage always means facing challenges to our mutual commitment. Furthermore, our responses to those commitment testers will determine the stability of our marriage.

Let’s take a look at some of the common commitment testers

Complexity Tests Our Commitment

Life does get complicated. So many people demanding our time and attention. Then we hear ourselves saying something like this:Soon we are thinking, “We’re just too busy to take any time for each other. I have a thousand things to do before tomorrow. I have other commitments besides my marriage, you know! The kids, my work, my church activities, not to mention our extended family. There is just no time!”

Instead of letting your marriage become another draining demand, why not make your marriage an oasis? Then it becomes a resting and refreshing relationship that helps you cope with the complex demands of life.

I once talked with a man who described, in detail, the breakdown of his marriage. The first year and a half were super. Then, in one bad relationship moment, all changed. For the past two and half years, he and his wife had been living in constant tension. In that condition they have no refreshment, no oasis, only more strain. It didn’t have to be that way. With forgiveness, a little adjustment of attitudes, and some positive attention, their marriage could provide refreshment and renewal for two overtaxed people.

Adversity Will Test Our Commitment

Robertson McQuilken served as president of a well-respected college and was a recognized scholar in his field. He and his wife had built a wonderful life together. Then she developed Alzheimer’s disease, that cruel degeneration of the mind. McQuilken could have placed her in a nursing home. Few would have criticized him if he did. But he didn’t. He resigned from his college presidency, cancelled his speaking engagements, and gave all his time to caring for his wife.

Observe what one writer said about his decision:

“He had made her a promise, made God a promise, too, that he would love her in sickness and in health. For Robertson McQuilken that meant caring for her when she didn’t even recognize him. Forty years earlier, he had promised to care for her both in sickness and in health. ‘She is such a delight to me,’ he said. ‘I don’t have to care for her. I get to care for her.’”

Take a moment to reflect on your commitment to your spouse. Is it the kind of commitment that will enable you to make necessary sacrifices for him or her? We may never have to do what Robertson McQuilken did, but we still have many opportunities to lay down our lives for each other five minutes at a time.

Prosperity Will Test Our Commitment

When we have all we think we need, or when we are spending all our time trying to get it, we can forget how much we need each other.

A Wall Street Journal reporter once did a survey of young, prosperous married couples. In these families both husband and wife worked. He asked the couples this question: “What is more important to you, building your marriage or making money?”

If I remember correctly, more than 80 percent said that making money was the higher priority. Some mentioned that they planned to make their fortune, then later, when they were financially comfortable, they would enjoy their marriage. Perhaps they didn’t realize that when later finally arrives it is too late to recover what was lost.

As former president Calvin Coolidge said, “Prosperity is only an instrument to be used, not a deity to be worshiped.” It is no coincidence that many people who worship prosperity also have dying marriages.

Focusing Our Commitment

General, unspecific commitment has little meaning or effectiveness. Focused commitment gains potency, like sun shining through a magnifying glass.

How can we focus our commitment? Make it personal. Demonstrate commitment to the person you married, not just to the institution of marriage.

A self-righteous spouse can be committed to keeping a promise, in a very legalistic way, yet live in ignorance of the needs and desires of his or her partner. In fact, a self-righteous spouse could even treat the husband or wife like dirt, and still claim to be committed to the marriage. Then, when their partner threatens to leave, the self-righteous spouse claims, proudly, that he or she isn’t the quitter. “I’m still committed!” he trumpets.

In Charles Dickens book, Martin Chuzzlewit, we meet a character who personifies self-righteousness. His name is Pecksniff. Believe me: you would not want him, or one of his daughters, as your spouse. You see, Mr. Pecksniff will do anything, anything that serves his interests and his conceptions about himself. Yet he does it so that he appears, at least to himself, to be the most humble of men. And that is really all that matters to him. When seeing his reflection in a mirror, he wants to save face. So deceived is this man that he cannot allow himself to believe that he, good as he is, could ever have a wrong motive. In truth, he has no good ones.

The less Pecksniff the better. That is the rule that will keep us honest and focused about our marriage commitment.

To avoid that self-righteous attitude, focus your commitment on the person, not the marriage. When we do that, we show humility. Why? Because proving commitment to a person means giving that person preference. You will need to make decisions that cost something, personally. You cannot have everything your way, and that is good, both for you, and for your marriage. Genuine humility is, without a doubt, one of the healthiest attitudes for a sound marriage.

Think, Act, Pray

True commitment in marriage is both personal and practical. Think of some specific ways you could demonstrate each of these practical expressions of commitment:

I am committed to your best interests.

I am committed to your personal development.

I am committed to growing in understanding you.

I am committed to giving you every advantage I would give myself.

I am committed to living a shared life with you.

I am committed to building and maintaining our unity.

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: adversity, commitment, complexity, prosperity

The Love that Protects

by Mike Constantine

Behold, love! For that word armies have marched, fortunes have been squandered and perfectly normal men and women have made total fools of themselves, often in front of complete strangers. Preachers preach about it. Singers sing about it in every possible language. It has inspired operas and rock songs, poems and graffiti, little notes and endless novels.

Love has cured people and (some say) killed others. Yet no word confuses us more than love. In marriage the confusion continues. Do we marry for love? Is love important? It is. But only if we understand what it is. Can we develop the kind of intimacy a marriage needs without love? It isn’t likely, for love is the substance of all true intimacy.

To help us understand the link between love and intimacy, I want to give you three different expressions of love to consider. Each is vital to an intimate marriage, as you will see. In this installment we will look at Fence Love.

Intimacy, the special closeness that is only possible in marriage, needs protection, just like your house. That is what fence love gives it. Love as a fence is a love that has nothing to do with attraction, or liking, or sex, or feelings, or even getting anything in return. It is a love expressed by decision and commitment. “That’s not very romantic,” some of my readers might be thinking. Exactly. Romance is important to marriage. But we live in an age that has made romance a god. Romance adds spice to marriage, but only decisive, committed love sustains it. Fence love promises to love, no matter what happens, no matter what changes. Most mportantly, it protects marital intimacy.

Love like this is in rare supply in these days of disposable marriages and temporary commitments. In the United States we have had, for years, something called a pre-nuptial agreement. Couples who choose one of these weird arrangements pre-plan what they will do with their assets if (when?) the marriage fails. Fence love will have nothing to do with such planning. Fence love does not plan for failure. It plans for success.

As I am writing this, my wife and I are staying with a couple we know very well. The man is 87 years old, still healthy and alert. The wife is 65 years old, but has had Parkinson’s disease for more than 10 years. We have watched the way this man loves his wife. Quietly, patiently, he ministers to her needs, at all hours of the day and night. He has never, not once, looked for a way out. When he married her he promised to love her, whatever happened, good or bad. He would tell you that it is God who gives him the daily strength and patience to love his wife. And his wife? Though greatly limited by the disease that she battles, she loves her husband in many, many decisive, practical ways. Even more, she is at rest in his committed love.

Now, contrast that love with another couple we know. They are in their early forties and have several children. The wife is a lovely lady, slim, attractive, and interesting. But this husband, the fool, has another woman on the side. He knows nothing of fence love. His primary motive is his own lust, and that lust has made him a promise breaker. He is robbing his wife and stealing from his mistress.

When I was a boy I remember hearing a cowboy song called, “Don’t Fence Me In.” That could be the theme song for many modern marriages. True love, intimacy-building love, says, “We want a fence around this relationship. Let’s build it with vows and keep it strong through unselfish sacrifice. Let’s promise that nothing, and no one, will ever come between us.”

What about all the couples who have taken such vows and still have unhealthy marriages? Marriage vows do not create some kind of magical force field around a married couple. This isn’t Star Trek we’re talking about. Vows alone can never prevent marital failure because promises mean nothing without actions. A man and woman must live their vows. A favorite song writer of mine, Don Francisco, describes this dedication beautifully and powerfully:

So you say you can’t take it, the price is too high
The feelings have gone; it seems the river’s run dry.
You never imagined it could turn out so rough,
You give and give and give and still it’s never enough.

Your emotions have vanished that once held a thrill.
You wonder if love could be alive in you still.
But that ring on your finger was put there to stay,
And you’ll never forget the word you promised that day.

Jesus didn’t die for you because it was fun.
He hung there for love because it had to be done.
And in spite of the anguish His work was fulfilled,
Because love is not a feeling, It’s an act of your will.

Now I know it isn’t easy when you’re trying to stand,
And Satan’s throwing everything that’s at his command.
But Jesus is faithful, His promise is true,
And whatever He asks He gives the power to do.

Don understood that the power to keep promises comes from God. He has been making promise breakers into promise keepers for centuries.

It is the Christian conviction, based on the Bible, that God’s desire is for one man and one woman to be married for life. Fence love, committed love, protects a marriage and allows intimacy to develop in security. Fence love begins with our marriage vows. We promise to love one another.

Which marriage do you want to have? One that lasts for a lifetime or one that is destroyed by broken promises? Within the protection of promises made and kept, intimacy grows securely and authentically. Will you renew your vows today? Will you remember your promises today? Will you decide to love today? I promise you that fence love, covenant love, will make you a better person and give you a marriage that will last for a lifetime.

Think, Act, Pray

1. In your opinion how important are the marriage vows?

2. Is it possible for a marriage to be satisfying without promises? Why or why not?

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: commitment, covenant, promises, protection, vows

從起點開始

by Mike Constantine

從起點開始是明智之舉。如果你想擁有快樂的單身生活,並最終擁有美滿 的婚姻,那麼你應該首先考慮遵守一條原則:完全奉獻。

《羅馬書》第12章中第1節和第2節清楚地解釋了完全奉獻。下麵取自福音版《聖經》:

“所以弟兄們,我以神的慈悲 勸你們,將身 體獻上,當作活祭,是聖潔的,是神所喜悅的。你們如此事奉,乃是理所當然的。不要效法這個世界。只要心意更新而變化,叫你們察驗何為神的善良,純全可喜悅 的旨意。”

由於上帝,出於仁慈之心,將其子交出以拯救我們脫離罪孽,選擇我們成 為其民。作為回應,我們應該將自己奉獻給上帝,以他的意願為目標。 由於心中有此目標,我們便可以自信地生活,我們知道主將幫助我們做出最好的選擇。

完全奉獻才能讓我們對上帝絕對信任,信任他會幫助我們創造未來,會幫 助我們做出的重要決定。沒有奉獻就沒有信任。 完全奉獻才會產生絕對信任。在決定要與誰結婚之前,上帝希望我們將自己的生活徹底託付給他。部分奉獻已導致許多失敗的婚姻。一個部分奉獻的基督徒將經常做 出危險的決定,然而一個真正遵從上帝旨意的人卻很少後悔。

我們如何才能如此奉獻?只需告訴主你將自己完全奉獻給他,只要他指引 你的生活。然後注意傾聽聖靈的聲音,他將指引你做出決定。

記住:聖父知道什麼是最好的!對於你的生活,他對於有著更好的規劃, 遠好於你自己的選擇。所以,如果你正在和一個帥小夥或漂亮姑娘約 會,但同時又清楚聖父認為這段關係本身不對或其發生的時機不對,那麼,立即刹車。

如果聖父告訴你某些事情不適合你,不要認為他不仁愛。關鍵是,如果你 不能夠做到坦然接受上帝說“不& rdquo;, 並且不去責備聖父不仁愛,那麼你並不是在誠心追隨他的旨意。真心實意取悅於上帝將保護我們遠離不必要的挫折。

TC CfL First Things First

Filed Under: TC, TC CfL Tagged With: commitment

从起点开始

by Mike Constantine

从起点开始是明智之举。如果你想拥有快乐的单身生活,并最终拥有美满 的婚姻,那么你应该首先考虑遵守一条原则:完全奉献。

《罗马书》第12章中第1节和第2节清楚地解释了完全奉献。下面取自 福音版《圣经》:

“所以弟兄们,我以神的慈悲 劝你们,将身 体献上,当作活祭,是圣洁的,是神所喜悦的。你们如此事奉,乃是理所当然的。不要效法这个世界。只要心意更新而变化,叫你们察验何为神的善良,纯全可喜悦 的旨意。”
由于上帝,出于仁慈之心,将其子交出以拯救我们脱离罪孽,选择我们成 为其民。作为回应,我们应该将自己奉献给上帝,以他的意愿为目标。 由于心中有此目标,我们便可以自信地生活,我们知道主将帮助我们做出最好的选择。

完全奉献才能让我们对上帝绝对信任,信任他会帮助我们创造未来,会帮 助我们做出的重要决定。没有奉献就没有信任。 完全奉献才会产生绝对信任。在决定要与谁结婚之前,上帝希望我们将自己的生活彻底托付给他。部分奉献已导致许多失败的婚姻。一个部分奉献的基督徒将经常做 出危险的决定,然而一个真正遵从上帝旨意的人却很少后悔。

我们如何才能如此奉献?只需告诉主你将自己完全奉献给他,只要他指引 你的生活。然后注意倾听圣灵的声音,他将指引你做出决定。

记住:圣父知道什么是最好的!对于你的生活,他对于有着更好的规划, 远好于你自己的选择。所以,如果你正在和一个帅小伙或漂亮姑娘约 会,但同时又清楚圣父认为这段关系本身不对或其发生的时机不对,那么,立即刹车。

如果圣父告诉你某些事情不适合你,不要认为他不仁爱。关键是,如果你 不能够做到坦然接受上帝说“不, 并且不去责备圣父不仁爱,那么你并不是在诚心追随他的旨意。真心实意取悦于上帝将保护我们远离不必要的挫折。

SC CfL First Things First

Filed Under: SC, SC-CfL Tagged With: commitment

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