It amazes me that experts on marriage talk so little about trust. They discuss compatibility, even administer personality profiles to help a couple see how they match up. All good, and very worthwhile. When I do pre-marriage counseling I often use the same tools.

Since every couple want a marriage built to last and satisfy, trust is more important than any other quality. We simply do not develop intimacy with someone we don’t trust.

The depth of our intimacy will equal  the depth of our trust.

Diane and I met in college and married just after graduation. Both of us felt we were making a good choice, but I wanted to know why Diane chose to marry me? So one day I asked her. j

Here are Some common responses to that question:

“He swept me off my feet.

” She was just what I wanted.”

“Well, it seemed like the thing to do at the time.”

“I prayed and God said he was the one.”

“I don’t know.”

Diane had a different response. Diane told me she married me because she knew she could trust me. That was the core issue. She felt we had compatibility. She enjoyed my company. She felt good when she was with me. She liked the way I treated her parents.  But it was trust that mattered most.

Her answer led me to another question. (That’s the teacher in me) “Why did you know you could trust me?” Diane told me she knew she could trust me because I honored God. “I know you’re not perfect, Mike,” she said, “but I also know that when God speaks, you listen.”

That has always been true. In over fifty years of marriage we have had many opportunities to trust each other and to earn each other’s trust.

I heard a story about beautiful woman who married a very plain looking man. Some would say he was ugly. When asked why she married a man like him she answered, “He never hurts me.”

That is safety, built on trust.

Promises, Promises

Some people make promises with no intention of fulfilling them. They pledge their loyalty to gain acceptance, or to get what they want. To them a promise is only a means to an end, and  therefore deceptive. Vows? Those are just words you say in a ceremony, not binding promises.

Others make sincere promises. But over time, in a hundred different ways, they forget those promises. The result is a marriage with less closeness and more suspiscion.

Serious Promise Keepers

Words are like people: some you like, some you love, and some you just don’t understand. Spouse was that kind of word for me. I didn’t like it. It sounded too much like mouse, or even worse, louse! I disliked that word so much that for many years I would not use it in any article or seminar.

Like some people who seem disagreeable to you, a word can become your friend when you understand it. That happened when I uncovered the ancestry of the word spouse. It comes from  a Latin word, spondere- a word full of meaning. in Latin, spondere means a solemn promise. So a spouse is someone who solemnly promises love and honor to his or her marriage partner.

Two other words share the same ancestor: responsive and responsible. Taken together, these words paint a great picture. A spouse promises to be responsive and responsible for his or her actions. In other words, a good spouse encourages trust by faithfulness, or keeping promises.

Having Trouble Trusting Your Spouse?

Even with a trustworthy spouse, some of us have may trouble trusting. Kevin, for example. For years he had difficulty trusting his wife with money. He would demand strict accounting for every single cent she spent. That was really hard for her, for she is very responsible and did not deserve distrust. There were many tense moments, because Kevin justified his excessive accountability, claiming he was just being frugal. In truth, fear controlled him, a fear that if he did not squeeze every cent, they would not have enough.

Change began when he stopped justifying his behavior and admitted his need for God’s help. His wife was wise. She didn’t demand change. She even adapted herself to his weakness. In time, with God’s help and his wife’s patience, that controlling fear lost its power over Kevin. He was free to trust his wife in the way she really deserved.

Trusting Can Be Hard

Why is it hard to trust? Our background and upbringing might be one reason. For example, you may have grown up in a home with parents who weren’t faithful to each other. That example can condition you to expect the same from your husband or wife, or at least to live in the fear of unfaithfulness. Fear always causes some degree of tension.

A little boy went walking with his father. They came to a place with a wall about four feet high. The father lifted his son to the top of the wall and urged him to jump. “I’ll catch you,” he promised. But when the boy jumped the father stepped aside and let him fall. As the boy lay there crying, wondering why his dad let him fall, the father said, “Son, let that be a lesson to you. Never trust anyone.”

That is a true story. That little boy grew up manipulating and controlling people, but never trusting anyone. As you can imagine, he never developed true intimacy with anyone. Like a rolling stone, he kept moving from one relationship to another. He could not trust, only fear the next inevitable betrayal.

It’s also possible that some well-meaning friend or relative told you that, eventually, everyone cheats. . . especially men! Add to that all the ruined marriages you hear about. Stir in some rotten examples from the media, and you have a recipe for fear. Your husband or wife may love you exclusively, but your fears dominate. Suspicion permeates your mind like a bad odor that won’t go away.

Whatever the cause of your fears, the usual result is a desire for excessive accountability and control. You want to know where every cent went, where the person is every moment. You become angry if he or she spends anything extra or ever comes home late. You believe that every other woman or man wants to steal your mate. You live in misery and so does your spouse.

The way out of those fears is to tell yourself the truth. Yes, other mates have cheated, but that does not mean yours will. Yes, money is tight, but your spouse is a good money manager. Yes, your past was marked by some serious betrayals, but the one you married is not like the ones who hurt you.

It isn’t easy to learn to trust. But a personal relationship with God, through Christ, will make you a faithful, trustworthy person, and will bring healing from the disappointments in your past.

God has been delivering people from their fears for generations. Tell him that you know your fears are unreasonable, but that you don’t have the power to change. Ask him to help you know the truth, for when you do, the fears will die. Tensions will decrease, and restful security will grow where fear once ruled.

How Do We Build Trust?

The answer is simple: keep your promises. When you hear a little thought in your head that says, “You have a right to be happy. Go ahead! Spend the money for the mortgage payment on new golf clubs. Go to the pub with your friends.” When you hear that thought or others like it, think about the lasting, long-term effects of your unfaithfulness. Then pick up the phone, dial your spouse, and tell him or her how thankful you are for a good marriage.

Think, Act, Pray

1. What has your spouse done in the past that helps you trust him or her?

2. What has your spouse done to make it difficult for you to trust him or her?

3. If you are not trusting someone who really is trustworthy, you are probably believing a lie. What is the lie that you are believing? What is the truth?

The Importance of Being Submitted to God

I once stayed in the home of a young, very successful businessman. He had started small, but his business grew rapidly. Unfortunately, his commitment to Christ withered just as rapidly. One day his wife spoke to me privately. “I worry about my husband,” she said. “He used to pray and read his Bible first thing each morning. Now, no more. When he wakes up, he first wants to see the stock market report. He speculates on the market day and night.” She also told me about a dream she had. She saw a large python come into her house, wrap itself around her children, and begin squeezing them. She said that snake stood for her husband’s love of money and that it was strangling her family.

4. If you had a dream that a snake was strangling your marriage, what would that snake’s name be?