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Keeping Love Alive

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Please complete these questions before you read the article, The Three Loves.

1. How would you define love?

A. Love is a warm, positive feeling for another person.
B. Love is a commitment to another person’s welfare.
C. Love cannot be defined.
D. Do you have another definition?

 

2. How do you know your future marriage partner loves you?

 

3. What do you do, on a regular basis, to demonstrate love for your partner?

 

4. What could your partner do, (more or in addition) to demonstrate love for you?

 

5. Can love die?

 

6. What can make love die?

 

7. If love dies, can it be brought back to life?

 

Now please read The Three Loves on the following pages.
After you have read it, go back and look at your answers again. Are there any youwould change?

The Three Ds

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What Do We Want Our Marriage To Be?

To understand the importance of preparation, consider a garden. When you see a beautiful garden you know that the gardeners have three qualities: desire, design, and determination. With only one or two of the three, beautiful gardens never happen. They certainly aren’t automatic. No gardener will leave the process to chance, because chance has never produced ordered beauty.

Loving, lasting marriages are the same. They don’t happen automatically. So let’s consider those Three Ds.

Desire:
1. Please answer Yes or No: Both of us expect this marriage to last the rest of our lives. Do you have any reservations about your answer?

Design:
1. Think of a marriage you greatly admire. What qualities (characteristics) do you see in that marriage that you would want to have in your own marriage?

 

2. What qualities have you seen in other marriages that you never want to see in your marriage?

 

Determination:
Determination means persistent effort for positive results.

1. Thinking again about the marriage you said you greatly admire, how do you think the couple built that marriage?

 

2. Would other people think of you as a determined person?

3. Is the person you are planning to marry a determined person? How do you know that?

 

4. What are some goals you have reached through determination? What kept your determination strong?

 

5. Is determination ever a bad quality? Is it the same as stubbornness?

 

6. What are some of the greatest challenges you have overcome? Write some down and talk about them this week with each other.

 

7. Is the goal of a strong and lasting marriage important to you right now?

8. Do you believe it will always be important?

9. What could cause that goal to become less important to you?

 

10. What can you do to make sure that a strong and lasting marriage is always important to you?

 

— Remember: What we neglect will decay. What we nurture will develop.—

Evaluate Your Desire to Marry

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From Building a Successful Marriage, by Landis and Landis

1. Are you comfortable and at ease with him or her? Are you able to be yourself without strain?

2. Since you have been in this relationship, are you more inclined to live up to your best conception of your self and your abilities?

3. Are you conscious of a continuing stable bond between the two of you, even when you have no romantic feelings?

4. Does this person matter greatly to you regardless of emotion or lack of emotion at the moment?

5. Would you love him or her just as much even if he were sick instead of well, or even if his handsomeness or her beauty should be marred or disfigured?

6. Is he or she physically attractive to you so that you have no inclination to be apologetic or defensive about his or her physical characteristics?

7. Are you proud to be seen together?

8. How well do you agree on the things worth sacrificing for in life?

9. Do you find it easy to talk over points of disagreement and reach an understanding? (Have you known each other long enough and well enough so that you have discovered your inevitable points of disagreement?)

10. Do your disagreements result in a better understanding of each other? (For disagreements to result in tabling and blocking off the issue, or in the same one always giving in, is a danger signal.)

11. Do you have confidence in his or her judgment? Do you respect his or her general mental ability?

12. Do you confide in this person freely, with complete confidence that what you say will be understood, judged kindly, and never divulged no matter what the temptation?

13. Are you happy and satisfied with the way he or she shows affection for you?

14. As you look toward the future as realistically as you can, do you feel that the two of you have in your relationship the elements that will enable you to cooperate and if necessary sacrifice for your continuing unity?

15. Does your relationship draw both of you closer to God? Do you both believe that this relationship is good and pleasing to your Heavenly Father?

Wrong Reasons to Marry

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from www.internetcampus.org

Some unwise, or at least questionable, reasons to marry:

  • for security
  • for money
  • for sex
  • they may never get another chance
  • pregnancy
  • their parents want them to
  • pressure from a partner
  • they want to move away from home, or escape an undesirable situation
  • they are depressed and assume marriage will be a solution
  • to acquire citizenship
  • to have children
  • they are lonely
  • they need a mother or father for existing children
  • “If I don’t get him or her someone else will”
  • it is the expected thing to do
  • marriage is “romantic”
  • for social status
  • their present life is dull
  • they need someone to structure their lives
  • they feel guilty about their single lifestyle
  • for peer, social, or professional approval
  • they are infatuated with someone
  • they have been dating someone regularly for a long time and it would be hard to back out of things now

— Are any of these reasons, your reasons?

Are You Ready for Marriage?

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“There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven.” — Eccles. 3:1 (NLT)

You don’t have to be perfect to get married, and you can’t marry a perfect person. But both of you can know you are ready to make this life-long commitment. This section will help you to know.

1. Why do you think you are ready for marriage?

 

2. Why do you think your friend is ready for marriage?

 

3. Why do you want to get married? (Please see Wrong Reasons to Marry)

 

4. Have you ever been in another relationship that was moving towards marriage?  If so, why was it broken off? What have you learned about yourself and about the nature of commitment from the break up?

 

5. What do you believe are the reasons you should marry this person?

 

6. How important is your relationship with God to you? Do you share a common faith in Christ, and do you both love God?

  • How could someone else know that your relationship with God is important to you?
  • Can you see that your friend’s relationship with God is important to him or her? What do you see that helps you know that?

 

7. Are you moving in the same direction and in general agreement about your goals? Take some time this week to discuss your goals.
“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” – Amos 3:3 (NLT)

 

8. Do your parents approve of the relationship?

  • If they disapprove, what are the reasons?
  • Is there anything you could do to help gain their approval and blessing?

 

“Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God will give you.” – Exodus 20:12 (NLT)

 

9. Are there any other important people in your lives who think you should not get married to this person, or that this isn’t the right time?  What are their reasons?

 

10. Do you find this person you plan to marry attractive– physically, emotionally, and intellectually?

 

11. Do you respect the person you are planning to marry? Here is what respect looks like:

Reliable: A person you can always trust

Ethical: A person who knows what is good and does it, no matter what the personal cost.

Sensible: A person who has gained wisdom through being teachable.

Patient: A person who can wait, and is not moved by every impulse.

Economical: A person who knows how to manage money.

Caring: A person who is not self-centered

Tested: A person who has faced challenges and become better because of them.

We are all growing, and no one is perfect. But you should see most of these qualities developing in a person you plan to entrust your life to. If you see any serious problems, please discuss it with your counselor.
Your pre-marriage counselor will discuss this section with you at your next meeting.