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The Thankful Lover

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My friend Ken’s father had a serious emotional infection. Let’s call it Paralyzed Appreciation Disorder, or PAD. He simply could not express thankfulness or appreciation. His wife suffered most from her husband’s disorder. No matter what she did, big or small, her husband would never thank her.

She tried forcing him to express appreciation by doing some distasteful task, like cleaning the mud off his shoes. Still he said nothing. The dear woman didn’t want much. She just wanted to know the man she married needed her and appreciated her. Surely every good wife needs and deserves that.

Over the years Ken’s mom became mentally ill, with unpredictable behavior. Some would say her husband’s lack of appreciation contributed to her illness. It’s possible. We’re all healthier if we know we are appreciated.

Late in his life, Ken’s dad developed a painful condition that put him in hospital. Ken visited his dad one day and found his mother there. She had a big jar of greasy ointment (like Vaseline),  which she intended to smear on  her husband’s back. Ken wanted to stop her. Greasing her husband like a pig for roasting!  Crazy, right?

Just at the moment when he would have stepped between his crazy mother and his ailing father, a small inner voice stopped him. He stood there, motionless, watching as she scooped out a large glob of ointment and spread it on her husband’s back.  As she rubbed, she kept asking, in her dreamy, feeble-minded voice, “Is it all right, Darling? Is it all right?”

For the first time in his life, the first time in more than thirty years, Ken heard his father appreciate his mother: “Yes, Darling, it’s all right. Thank you.”

Thankfulness came late in life for that man. Ken’s father died the next day. But that is not the end of the story. From the moment her husband thanked her, Ken’s mother changed and  her mind began healing. What a pity her husband hadn’t thanked her years before, and often.

I wonder how many of us have partners who are withering inside, like a plant without water, because we don’t thank and appreciate them.

People in Asia, where my wife and I have spent many years, are great at appreciation. Dinners, expensive gifts to valued customers, lavish gift baskets at Chinese New Year and Christmas– all display the value they place on clients and customers.

We receive a lot of appreciation here, too, and deeply appreciate each one who has encouraged us with their kind words. Each time it refreshed and strengthened. Yet we know that some of those who expressed such sincere appreciation to us rarely thank or appreciate their marriage partners.

What Would You Miss?

In one of our marriage seminars I asked our friends, Art and Eugenia, to stage a big argument. They did it superbly. They stood apart, arms folded, glaring at each other in anger. They played the part so well that I didn’t know what to do with them.

Then I got an idea. Pretending my white board marker was a gun, I shot the wife. Like the great actress she is, she collapsed convincingly. Then I said to her husband, “Art, I just killed your wife. What do you miss?” Tears came to his eyes. Not stage tears. Real tears. He told us that he missed the woman who was such a great mom to his kids. But what he missed most was his best friend.

When he said that, a miracle happened! Eugenia was resurrected from the dead! Running to her husband, she cried, “Honey, why didn’t you say so before?”

Another man at the seminar, Fred, was married to his first wife, Mary, for many years. They had a good life. Then cancer attacked Mary, eventually killing her. For many months Fred grieved for his wife, often breaking into tears at unexpected moments as a memory pierced his heart.

That happened one day when he was ironing some handkerchiefs. “I wonder,” he said to himself, “how many handkerchiefs she ironed for me?” Calculating the number of handkerchiefs he used in a week, and the number of years they were married, Fred estimated that she had ironed several thousand. “Did I ever thank her?” he thought.

Not long after that, Fred was looking through a box of his wife’s keepsakes. He found a note he had written many years earlier. He couldn’t remember exactly when. It simply said, “Thank you . . . for ironing all my handkerchiefs.”

If Fred could talk to you personally, he would encourage you to appreciate your spouse every day. The day may come when you will not have the opportunity.

Appreciation imparts new life and purpose. And, we let our spouses know that they are meeting needs in our lives that no one else can touch. Who else knows you so well, yet loves you so much?

Medical science will probably find, if they haven’t found it already, that appreciated people live longer, healthier lives. It wouldn’t surprise me.

Why not start making life healthier for your spouse today? Make appreciation and thankfulness a daily practice, a habit that never dies. You’ll be thankful you did.

Think, Act, Pray

1. Begin a thankful list for your spouse. Be sure to include some specifics, not just generalities.

2. Find at least one opportunity to thank your spouse today. Do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, until appreciation becomes a habit in your marriage.

The Thoughtful Lover

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Behold, the sunny days of courtship! The man calls or tests several times a day. He opens doors for her, tries to be on time, and takes the long way to take her home each night. In short, he does everything to heap attention on her and make her feel desired and valued.

She takes special care to look nice for him, maybe cooks a special meal, and does everything she can to show that she likes his attention. Eventually all that thoughtfulness leads to a proposal, an acceptance, and marriage. Let the lifelong joys begin!

Over the years this couple begins acting very differently. In a hundred little ways they stop living as though they matter to one another. Without thoughtfulness, they live in separate worlds, only touching each other’s lives when necessary. In some cases they actually avoid each other. Such carelessness is dangerous to any marriage.

Considerate and Aware

Two words help us understand thoughtfulness: consideration and awareness.

Consideration means thinking about how your actions will affect your husband or wife. To use some simple examples, if you leave your soiled clothes scattered around the room, who will pick them up? If you are always late waking up, how will that affect your spouse and your children?

Awareness means looking for ways to make life as easy as possible for your marriage partner. Aware spouses watch for ways to help each other, even little ways. Helpfulness becomes their habit.

It’s very human to become careless, to think about our self, but not about our spouse. But when Jesus makes us new people he puts his life in us. That new life makes us look at others in a new way. Then we want the best for each other, not just for ourselves. “Don’t think only about your own affairs,” Paul says, “but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing. ” (Philippians 2:4, NLT)

Why do we become thoughtless? Consider these two common reasons:

Unresolved anger and unforgiveness

You know the story. Your husband or wife makes you mad. You don’t say anything about it, but you start sending signals. How? You act like your spouse doesn’t matter to you anymore. In a score of little ways, you signal your displeasure. By ignoring and isolating your husband or wife you are trying to punish him or her.

Life gets crazy!

Sure it does, but thoughtfulness proves that we haven’t lost touch with the importance and reality of our marriage. Wise spouses don’t let busyness cause carelessness. Instead they look for ways to make life easier for each other, and they think about how their choices and actions will affect the rest of their family members.

Flowers or Chores?

American children’s entertainer Bob Keeshan said, “Attention is like a daily bouquet of love.” He’s right, to a degree. But thoughtfulness is much more practical than a bouquet of flowers. (Not that flowers are a bad idea, guys!) Sometimes a man who buys flowers uses them as a cover-up for neglecting practical expressions of thoughtfulness. Ask any woman whether she would rather have a husband who buys her flowers or a husband who picks up his dirty laundry, and she will say, “Why should I have to choose? Flowers touch my soul one way, but a man who thinks enough of me to make life easier for me really gets to my heart.”

There is much discussion about different love languages. I guess we all have our own way of understanding if someone loves us. For some it is words; for others it is actions. Still others feel loved through physical touch.

Let me propose something radical to you. Suppose God is great enough to make it possible for us to express love in many ways, not just one or two? If he is that great, then he can help us express and experience the fulfillment of being lovers in many different ways. You can be the lover your spouse needs..

Think, Act, Pray

  • If you have lapsed into carelessness, you might need a little booster to activate yourselves. Here’s a way for you to recover that thoughtfulness that you may have lost: ask your spouse what you could do to make life easier for him or her.
  • Take a few moments, today, to ask that question of each other. When responding, use this statement: “It would help me if you would. . ” The great thing is that this statement is a request, not a demand. It leaves room for a genuinely thoughtful response. Make your requests reasonable. Unreasonable requests just cause more frustration.

Commitment Testers

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Come to a wedding with me. Flowered archways and candles adorn the church. Music plays softly. Friends and family fill every seat. The wedding party enters. Expectation rises with the music as the bridegroom, and all present, await the arrival of the woman who will join him in marriage.

Down the aisle she comes, a picture of beauty touched with hope, and a just a trace of anxiety. She joins her husband-to-be at the altar, there to make their vows of commitment in the presence of their friends, their family, and God.

With solemn words, the bride and groom make a mutual, lifelong commitment to their marriage and to each other. If they live another fifty years, they will have more than 18,250 days to prove their commitment. 18,250 days! That’s a life sentence!

Each day will have its joys, but also many commitment testers. Building a successful, intimate marriage always means facing challenges to our mutual commitment. Furthermore, our responses to those commitment testers will determine the stability of our marriage.

Let’s take a look at some of the common commitment testers

Complexity Tests Our Commitment

Life does get complicated. So many people demanding our time and attention. Then we hear ourselves saying something like this:Soon we are thinking, “We’re just too busy to take any time for each other. I have a thousand things to do before tomorrow. I have other commitments besides my marriage, you know! The kids, my work, my church activities, not to mention our extended family. There is just no time!”

Instead of letting your marriage become another draining demand, why not make your marriage an oasis? Then it becomes a resting and refreshing relationship that helps you cope with the complex demands of life.

I once talked with a man who described, in detail, the breakdown of his marriage. The first year and a half were super. Then, in one bad relationship moment, all changed. For the past two and half years, he and his wife had been living in constant tension. In that condition they have no refreshment, no oasis, only more strain. It didn’t have to be that way. With forgiveness, a little adjustment of attitudes, and some positive attention, their marriage could provide refreshment and renewal for two overtaxed people.

Adversity Will Test Our Commitment

Robertson McQuilken served as president of a well-respected college and was a recognized scholar in his field. He and his wife had built a wonderful life together. Then she developed Alzheimer’s disease, that cruel degeneration of the mind. McQuilken could have placed her in a nursing home. Few would have criticized him if he did. But he didn’t. He resigned from his college presidency, cancelled his speaking engagements, and gave all his time to caring for his wife.

Observe what one writer said about his decision:

“He had made her a promise, made God a promise, too, that he would love her in sickness and in health. For Robertson McQuilken that meant caring for her when she didn’t even recognize him. Forty years earlier, he had promised to care for her both in sickness and in health. ‘She is such a delight to me,’ he said. ‘I don’t have to care for her. I get to care for her.’”

Take a moment to reflect on your commitment to your spouse. Is it the kind of commitment that will enable you to make necessary sacrifices for him or her? We may never have to do what Robertson McQuilken did, but we still have many opportunities to lay down our lives for each other five minutes at a time.

Prosperity Will Test Our Commitment

When we have all we think we need, or when we are spending all our time trying to get it, we can forget how much we need each other.

A Wall Street Journal reporter once did a survey of young, prosperous married couples. In these families both husband and wife worked. He asked the couples this question: “What is more important to you, building your marriage or making money?”

If I remember correctly, more than 80 percent said that making money was the higher priority. Some mentioned that they planned to make their fortune, then later, when they were financially comfortable, they would enjoy their marriage. Perhaps they didn’t realize that when later finally arrives it is too late to recover what was lost.

As former president Calvin Coolidge said, “Prosperity is only an instrument to be used, not a deity to be worshiped.” It is no coincidence that many people who worship prosperity also have dying marriages.

Focusing Our Commitment

General, unspecific commitment has little meaning or effectiveness. Focused commitment gains potency, like sun shining through a magnifying glass.

How can we focus our commitment? Make it personal. Demonstrate commitment to the person you married, not just to the institution of marriage.

A self-righteous spouse can be committed to keeping a promise, in a very legalistic way, yet live in ignorance of the needs and desires of his or her partner. In fact, a self-righteous spouse could even treat the husband or wife like dirt, and still claim to be committed to the marriage. Then, when their partner threatens to leave, the self-righteous spouse claims, proudly, that he or she isn’t the quitter. “I’m still committed!” he trumpets.

In Charles Dickens book, Martin Chuzzlewit, we meet a character who personifies self-righteousness. His name is Pecksniff. Believe me: you would not want him, or one of his daughters, as your spouse. You see, Mr. Pecksniff will do anything, anything that serves his interests and his conceptions about himself. Yet he does it so that he appears, at least to himself, to be the most humble of men. And that is really all that matters to him. When seeing his reflection in a mirror, he wants to save face. So deceived is this man that he cannot allow himself to believe that he, good as he is, could ever have a wrong motive. In truth, he has no good ones.

The less Pecksniff the better. That is the rule that will keep us honest and focused about our marriage commitment.

To avoid that self-righteous attitude, focus your commitment on the person, not the marriage. When we do that, we show humility. Why? Because proving commitment to a person means giving that person preference. You will need to make decisions that cost something, personally. You cannot have everything your way, and that is good, both for you, and for your marriage. Genuine humility is, without a doubt, one of the healthiest attitudes for a sound marriage.

Think, Act, Pray

True commitment in marriage is both personal and practical. Think of some specific ways you could demonstrate each of these practical expressions of commitment:

I am committed to your best interests.

I am committed to your personal development.

I am committed to growing in understanding you.

I am committed to giving you every advantage I would give myself.

I am committed to living a shared life with you.

I am committed to building and maintaining our unity.

You Can Have a Delightful Marriage

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Alan and Mary have been married ten years. For most of their marriage, neither of them has felt happy or fulfilled. They seem to be trapped in the grip of a joyless routine. Their marriage isn’t exactly bad, but their marriage is flat, like old Coca-Cola that has lost its sparkle. They endure their marriage, like one endures a gloomy room on a rainy day. The sunshine seems gone forever.

It wasn’t always this way. The early years of marriage held many challenges, but they always found ways to keep their marriage enjoyable. Not now. Now they can’t remember the last time they had a good laugh together. By degrees their marriage has become a little more dreary and a little less delightful. They only see each other at the end of a long and busy day. They seldom talk, and seldom smile either. Alan and Mary don’t have a bad marriage, exactly, just a dull one.

In some parts of the American West, and in most of the Australian outback, you can drive for hundreds of miles, on perfectly straight roads, through a featureless landscape. Nothing unexpected, nothing interesting, nothing but you, the car, and the long, long road. After a few hundred kilometers you start craving something, anything, different and exciting. That is precisely how Alan and Mary feel about their relationship.

A Greek poet (who by coincidence, has the same given name as our surname) wrote these words in 1908:

One monotonous day is followed by another monotonous, identical day.
The same things will happen, they will happen again–
The same moments find us and leave us.
A month passes and ushers in another month.
One easily guesses the coming events;
They are the boring ones of yesterday.
And the morrow ends up not resembling a morrow anymore.

– Constantine Cavafy, 1908 (Translated from the Greek)

Many husbands and wives would say that Cavafy’s words describe just the way they feel about their marriage. It’s a life without real tomorrows.

Monotony leads to apathy, that dangerous feeling that neither of us can do anything to get rid of the boredom. Husband and wife feel trapped. Like a sail boat becalmed on a vast, empty ocean, no breezes come to ripple the sails and refresh the sailors.

For many sailors, the doldrums are worse than the storms. Both have their dangers, but in the doldrums, there is not a breath of wind to move the boat or refresh the crew. Tempers flare, and hope dies. The same happens to monotonous marriages.

Apathy is only one danger of monotony. It can also can lead to unfaithfulness. Please understand. I do not, and will not, condone unfaithfulness, no matter what the cause. Still, if we can do something to prevent it, shouldn’t we? Keeping our marriages enjoyable, and being enjoyable ourselves, brings new freshness every day.

Put Some Wind in Your Sails

Sailing ships differ from marriages in one very vital way. The sailor cannot manufacture wind to move his ship, but any couple can break out of monotony and make their marriage delightful. Here are some ideas to get you going:

Celebrate!

Many couples think celebration is optional, but it is really essential.

When God called the Israelites to be his people, he established, in the rhythm of their years, times of celebration. Those times became focal points of refreshing for them. You can do the same thing in your marriage. Celebrate your anniversary every year. Celebrate birthdays, and give thanks for each other. Rejoice over achievements, accomplishments, or just plain survival. We have friends who really knew the art of celebration. New job? Celebrate! Completed project? Celebrate! They absolutely looked for reasons to rejoice.

Never go into debt to celebrate. Always celebrate within your means. It’s not how much you spend; it’s how much meaning you bring to the celebration that counts.

Develop a Joyful, Positive Perspective

Remember Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street? He is a grumbler, and lives, appropriately, in a trash can. Is that you? Have you lost your joy? Have you become a constant complainer? God can fix your heart, and restore your joy. Get rid of the grumbles, move out of the trash can, and enjoy life with your sweetheart.

Surprise Each Other

Remember that surprises should not put you in debt or overtax your budget. They can be as simple as a phone call, or a single flower. Or your surprise could be something more elaborate, but still not costly. Planning and imagination cost nothing, but they can lead to some great surprises.

Kathy had a really busy day, one of those non-stop marathons that squeezes all the life out of you. Her husband (who was home that day) decided to plan a special treat for her. He filled the bathroom with candles, provided some soothing music, bought some inexpensive, but very invigorating bubble bath, and made a sign for the door that said, “Dead Mommy Therapy Center.”

When she came home he escorted her to the bathroom and told her to take as much time as she liked. Kathy loved it! Total cost: about five dollars. Total value: immeasurable!

He did not do any of that with sex in mind. He did it for her with no strings attached. It is important for us to develop delight and joy in our marriages apart from sex. But I would not be surprised to find out that there were a few fireworks that night.

Save Some Money for Special Treats

One of our favorite treats is ice cream. We don’t need much; a single scoop will do. We definitely believe that good ice cream is a glorious gift from a loving Creator. A special treat, no matter what it is, can provide a moment of relaxation and refreshment for both of you. You might even find a lost smile or two, and maybe even a great big laugh!

Will those ideas help you fix the deeper problems in your marriage? Probably not, at least by themselves. But they will bring some times of refreshing to you. Then you might find it easier to tackle the deeper issues.

Dull or Delightful? A Short Test

Answer each question Yes or No. Answer truthfully. If you’re especially brave, ask your spouse to take the test on you.

  1.  I cannot remember the last time my spouse and I had a good laugh.
  2.  My friends often tell me that I take myself too seriously.
  3.  I often forget birthdays and anniversaries.
  4.  I cannot remember the last time I gave my husband or wife a pleasing little surprise.
  5.  I am more charming to everyone else than I am to my spouse.
  6.  My voice has developed an edge, like a knife.
  7.  I have become a nag.
  8.  I have become a bully.
  9.  I often hear myself complaining.

The more Yes answers you have the less delightful you are. You’re probably under a lot of pressure, too. Can you find a way to give yourself, and everyone else around you, a break?

The Fallacy of a Stress-free Life

Admit it: life is stressful. As true as that is, some stress is avoidable. Reducing the amount of avoidable stress makes marriage much more enjoyable, even in difficult circumstances.

  • Think about the difference between avoidable and unavoidable stress. On a sheet of paper make three columns. Label the first column Stresses. In that column list some of the stresses in your lives.
  • Now label the second column Avoidable or Unavoidable? For each stress mark whether it is avoidable or unavoidable.
  • Now label the third column, What We Can Do. Think of some ways to eliminate or decrease each stress. For example, it is stressful to have to get up early to go to work. But it is unavoidable (if you want to eat and make the house payment). You could reduce the early morning stress by putting things out the night before, and maybe even getting up just fifteen minutes earlier. That’s the idea.

Think, Act, Pray

1. What are some specific ways I can make myself and my marriage more enjoyable?

2. Why do I forget to make marriage enjoyable? How can I remember?

Is There Hope for a Broken Marriage?

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Marriages can die for many reasons. Usually it is not one thing, but a combination that brings a marriage to the point of death. The bottom line is this: marriages die when promise keepers become promise breakers.

The Power of Promises

Someone has observed that life becomes much more restful if we keep our covenant promises. Marriage is a covenant based on mutual promises of lifelong faithfulness.  Our covenant promises are like a fence we build around our marriage. The fence defines our boundaries, keeps us safe, simplifies our lives, and focuses our affection.

But what if we don’t keep our promises? Then, of course, the relationship becomes shaky. Husband and wife feel like two house painters standing on a plank, supported by wobbly ladders. They experience constant tension and unsteadiness. Even worse, broken promises often lead to the total collapse of a marriage.

Broken marriages always create broken people. Always. Spouses suffer. Children suffer. Even the extended family suffers.

Betrayed trust resembles a bad wound. It hurts, it is deep, and it takes some time to heal. Even with complete healing, some sensitivity may remain. For that reason, it’s better not to betray a trust at all. For the more intimate the relationship, the more potential for broken trust to cause deep, lasting hurt.

Broken trust leads to some very unpleasant consequences:

  • We may lose our openness. Unfaithfulness hurts us so we withdraw and close up. Over the years we develop layer upon layer of defensiveness, like an oyster producing a pearl. The result? Two people, hard as marbles toward one another.
  • We may plot retaliation. Wounded by unfaithfulness, we plot revenge. Revenge can take many forms. We stop cooperating, communicating, or caring, just to get back at our husband or wife. In some marriages both husband and wife have been disappointed so often that the marriage has become a war. Such wars have no winners.
  • We may look for a substitute. Susan, married ten years, had been deeply hurt by her husband’s sexual unfaithfulness. She couldn’t trust him, but she wanted someone she could trust. Susan became vulnerable to another man’s empty promises. As you might imagine, she was hurt even more deeply.
  • We may develop insecurity. Trust is the foundation of every healthy marriage. When that foundation crumbles, so does our confidence. Without trust, with insecurity, intimacy becomes impossible.
  • We may experience depression. Why do so many people sit in darkened pubs drinking the hours away, listen to sad songs about broken love? Many are the depressed victims of unfaithfulness. Unfaithfulness hurts everyone: both spouses, the children, and the third party.

You may remember spondere, the Latin word that gave us the English word spouse A spouse is a responsible promise keeper. One other word comes from that same root:despondent. It describes a person without promise or hope. We all know friends who married with great hopes for a happy, stable, secure future. Then their hopes turned to despondency when their spouses broke their promises.

Perhaps those consequences of broken trust describe your marriage. If so, can you restore trust and renew intimacy? You can, but it takes work and patience. Deeper betrayals require longer recovery time. Restoring trust is never easy, but thank God, it is possible. For those who believe in Jesus there is hope for every broken marriage . . . if both parties will do their part to heal the break.

Understanding Restoration

As you think about how to heal a broken marriage, keep these qualities in mind. Each of them is important to successful restoration.

All Restoration Begins With Honesty

We must honestly accept our responsibility for breaking our promises and betraying our partner’s trust.

Serena and Jason had a good enough marriage, or so it seemed to everyone who knew them. It was a shock, therefore, when they came to talk to us about a serious breach of trust. Serena was having an affair.

As we talked with them, Serena kept rationalizing that, although her involvement with the other man was wrong, her husband was actually the reason. He didn’t take time to make her feel special. The other man did.

Gently, but firmly, we explained that she could not use her husband’s deficiency as an excuse for her unfaithfulness. After about two hours of discussion she finally reached the honesty that is always the first step to restoration.

Remember that if you have been unfaithful you must acknowledge the pain you have caused your spouse. You need to let him or her express that pain in whatever words they need, even if the words make you feel terrible. Your spouse needs to know that you understand how much pain you have caused.

Maria was married for 30 years when her marriage hit bottom. She and her husband saw a counselor, but it was unsuccessful. She told us that her husband just wanted to move on, get their marriage back to the way it was. That sounded noble, but it was not. He was far too proud to see the pain in her eyes, and far too self-centered to really change in helpful ways.

Do not let that happen to you. If you have caused pain, be ready to hear your spouse and respond in true and honest remorse.

All Restoration Requires Forgiveness

Do not confuse forgiveness with trust. You can forgive someone even if you don’t trust him or her. But forgiving shows that you want to see trust and faithfulness restored. I will write on forgiveness in another article, but if you would like to read about it now, from a Christian perspective, please go to this article on my website: Forgiveness

All Restoration Requires a Consistent Demonstration of Faithfulness

The one who betrayed trust must accept, even welcome, more careful scrutiny for a time. Doing so displays a serious desire to restore the relationship. In essence the guilty party is saying, “I want your trust so much that I am willing to be watched.  Whatever it takes, I want to regain your trust.”

All Restoration Must Be Free from the Desire to Punish

It’s one thing to insist on accountability, but another to use that to punish the person. Remember the goal: rebuilding the relationship. Punishing our partner doesn’t help us reach that goal. It might make us feel good to get back at the one who hurt us so badly, but it doesn’t rebuild the marriage.

All Restoration Should Lead To Better Understanding

Done in the right way restoration will bring you to a better understanding of your marriage, your spouse, and yourself. In other words, we learn from it. Things will never be the same after a major betrayal of trust, but they can, in significant ways, become better.

All Restoration Takes Time

Don’t rush it, and don’t let impatience rob you of a good outcome. Many couples give up way too soon. Watch for small improvements. As Winter gives way to Spring, the ground thaws gradually, not instantly. Soon new plants start to appear where the ground was hard and barren. It’s been winter for a long time, but spring is coming.

Mutual Mercy

One quality of restoration draws all of the others together and keeps them in the proper balance. Let’s call it mutual mercy. Mercy isn’t a popular word these days, but, as Dallas Willard says, it is truly essential for continued health and healing in relationships.

Mercy means that we do not treat one another as we deserve, but better than we deserve. All humans need it, and need to extend it. Think about how often we hear people, including ourselves, say “I’m only human.” As if anyone could think, even for a minute, that we were anything else! Because humans make mistakes and live imperfect lives, we need to be merciful to each other, especially so when we’re rebuilding a broken relationship. Mercy does not remove responsibility. Mercy simply treats another the way we would want to be treated. Christians call it the Golden Rule, but is actually worth much more than gold.

The Power of the Potter

In the Bible, Jeremiah the prophet went to a potter learn an object lesson about restoration. As the potter fashioned the clay something went wrong, and the half-formed clay collapsed on the wheel. Did he throw away the ruined, shapeless lump? Not at all. There was still great potential for that ruined clay, and the potter knew how to bring it about. He shaped another vessel, different, but still beautiful. (See Jeremiah 18)

God is like that potter. He can take the ruins of your marriage and make something beautiful. Place your lives and your marriage in His hands. Cooperate with Him by believing and following His Word. As you work with God a miracle will happen in your marriage.

Think, Act, Pray:

The doorbell rang. Opening the door I saw our friend, Madeline, eyes red from crying. “I’ve been to an attorney,” she said. “I’m divorcing my husband. He’s having an affair. Everyone in our community knows about it. I just can’t take it any more!”

1. Does Madeline have a right to divorce her husband?

2. Is there any other course she could take?

3. If Madeline and her husband decide to rebuild their marriage, what steps will they each need to take?