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A Letter for Two Lovers

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What a hopeful thing love is! A man and woman decide they love each other so much that they want to spend their lives together in marriage. Each hopes the other will love them for life. True, some of those hopeful people find disappointment. But a very great number build lasting marriages.

The letter you are about to read was first written to a couple we counseled more than a quarter century ago. The desires we had for them, then, are the same desires we have for every couple we counsel, and for all who read these articles.

(The names are not the names of any couple we have counseled.)

Dear Lovers,

Thanks so much for letting us help you prepare for marriage. We know that as you move forward, the God you both love will give you many insights, help you build a solid, satisfying marriage,  and empower you for a lifetime of love.

Give your marriage all the time and care it needs. Don’t skimp. Don’t allow business or busyness to rob you of special times with each other. You will please the Lord by always treating each other as you would treat a valuable gift from God. Cherish each other always as you cherish each other now. In fact,  we pray that you will become even more precious to one another day by day, year by year.

Kevin, your wife has taken a big step of faith by marrying you. Many women fear that after marriage the husband will become so entwined in his work that she will no longer be important to him. In marriage, a woman commits herself totally to one man. He alone on earth will be her lover. If he treats her with indifference, she experiences great emotional pain. As Paul said, “Husband, love your wife.” Never give her any reason to doubt your love, no matter how busy life becomes.

Show your wife how important she is to you. Small gestures, those thoughtful little actions, really help. The lunchtime phone call; a single flower just for her; your undivided attention sometime every day; a loving touch as you pass by. But do the big things, too. Put time with your wife in your diary like any important appointment. Talk with her about her day and yours. Times will come when the demands of work and the necessary pressures of life will keep you apart. Even so, if she knows she is important to you, she can endure those times more peacefully. Remember, your wife married a man, not someone’s boss or employee. A man is who you are; work is what you do, even if it is pastoral or missionary work.

Your wife knows you like no one knows you, and loves you anyway. When people hurt you or threaten you, she may feel it more acutely than you do.  She doesn’t want to see you hurt, so she may try to save you from anyone who could wound you. In fact, she may be more sensitive to wrong motives than you are. That’s one way she’ll help you. Weigh her counsel carefully, but be careful not to let her insecurities move you to act hastily or unwisely.

Katherine, marriage is a challenge, especially to a couple trying to balance a private life and a public life. Sometimes you’ll think you’re in competition with your husband’s boss, his co-workers, maybe his family, and his own need for solitude. What he needs most from you at those times is your patience and understanding. It may take some time for him to learn how to balance all those demands effectively. So, when you feel overlooked and under-loved, let him know, but try to do it without making him feel guilty. Never nag. Use positive suggestions. Instead of criticizing him for neglecting you, plan some way to reach out to him in his need. A love note placed where he might find it when he least expects it; a back rub at the end of a hard day. Milo!

If, in trying to fill all his roles, your husband sometimes neglects you, remember that he probably isn’t rejecting you. He may have a tough time being all he wants to be. He might find it hard to share his deepest struggles with you, though you want him to share them with you very much. Your understanding during those times will make it easier for him to open his heart to you.

Marriage is a life-long school, and its one subject is love. If we’re smart, we won’t waste the opportunity. Instead, we’ll learn how to love each other. Don’t let anything– your pride, wounds, hurts, anything– stop you from learning how to love.

Every Christian home is Satan’s target for disruption, and, if all goes according to his wicked plan, destruction! Covenant-keepers constantly irritate the devil– a constant reminder of the power of faithful covenant relationships. When we stand together as husband and wife, the power of agreement in faith is astounding, and to our adversary, a sure sign of his defeat.  So remember what the Bible says: don’t let the sun go down on your anger; don’t give the devil an opportunity.(Ephesians 4:26) Should he gain an advantage in your relationship, don’t let him keep it. Even if our enemy wins a piece of ground, he knows that he will lose it again if we counter his attack in the power of Christ. Remember, God the Father is powerfully committed to your marriage because you are humbly submitted to him.

Blessed marriage! Blessed life! May your marriage bring great pleasure to the Father, great distress to Satan, and tremendous joy and fulfillment to both of you, for the rest of your lives. Let the love of God shine through you as a light to a darkened world.

Are You an Encourager?

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David was a young man with great potential, but also a great enemy. So it always is. The enemy: a raving, jealous king named Saul. That madman, poisoned by his own pride, tracked David relentlessly, his hatred driving him to destroy the man who would replace him as king.

In a strange, yet wonderful, expression of God’s love for David, Saul’s son, Jonathan, became his best friend. Jonathan gave David support and encouragement, like all true friends do. In fact, Jonathan was a better brother to David than his own blood brothers were. They tried to hold David down, but Jonathan lifted him up . . . even though David would be king, not him. Best friends always help us find and fulfill God’s destiny for our lives.

At seventeen, Carrie wasn’t what anyone would call pretty. She wore thick, ugly glasses; clothes that looked like they belonged to an earlier era, and a hairstyle that said “It’s useless! Why bother?” And she was shy. Really shy. With almost no social confidence, the background was the safe place to live. If she had been an animal, she would have been a mouse.

Carrie had a boyfriend, Marvin. A nice guy, I suppose, but totally clueless about Carrie. Inside that quiet, rather plain exterior was a person of great ability and drive, just waiting for some encouragement. The mouse had the heart of a lion. But Marvin never saw that. In fact, he squelched Carrie’s drive and ambition, keeping her small so he would look important. People tell me he was obsessed with Carrie, but he certainly wasn’t a help to her.

Carrie had another friend, not her boyfriend, but in some ways a better friend. She liked him because he made her feel that she could achieve anything God wanted her to. Apparently it helped, for Carrie eventually became a university teacher. No longer a mouse, Carrie became a confident young woman living out her destiny

Most of us have more than our share of critics and discouraging people. Parents, playmates, siblings, friends, bosses– so many who discourage, so few encouragers. No wonder so many people fail to fulfill even a small portion of their God-given prospects.

What about the wonderful person you married? Has your husband or wife become a more complete person because of your encouragement? Have you sacrificed some of your own comfort to help your spouse fulfill his or her potential? Love does those things.

Diane and I can say a definite “Yes” to those questions. We are each other’s Number One Encouragers, constantly helping each other grow and expand our influence. We’ve both tried many new avenues of ministry. Some haven’t worked out, but many have. Our goal has been to never let our fears or insecurities rob us of the opportunity to honor God in a new way.

Encouraging growth and making room for it has a price. We may need to make some sacrificial adjustments to make it happen. And it is possible that, like David and Jonathan, our spouse could eclipse us in importance. But if we pay the price we’ll be rewarded with a confident, accomplished mate and a great sense of pride in what he or she has achieved.

One way that Jonathan helped David bears special mention. Jonathan helped David find his strength in God. In I Samuel 23:16, the NIV translation actually states it just that way. There are moments in our development when we face such obstacles that we feel like quitting. As a wonderful old song says, “We have exhausted our store of endurance; our strength is gone ere the day is half done; we’ve reached the end of our hoarded resources . . .”

Hold that thought. Picture David: tired, pursued, misunderstood, living under the promises and empowerment from God, yet feeling like he should just forget the whole thing and go back to shepherding. Then Jonathan comes to him in his darkness and redirects David’s attention to God. What a turning point.

Now let me finish the song for you: “When we’ve reached the end of our hoarded resources . . . our Father’s full giving has only begun!” Yes! That’s what we need to hear from our spouses when we feel like we won’t make it. Job’s wife said, “Curse God and die!” We must say, “Bless God and live!”

Think about some specific ways you can encourage your spouse to grow. Is there a class to take, a skill to learn, a new life to touch, or a new place to impact? Let’s help each other reach those God-given goals and realize our sanctified ambitions. Above all, let’s always help each other find strength in God.

Bicycle Built for Two

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“We had this bicycle,” the lady said. “It was built for two people to ride together. What problems that bicycle caused us!”

“How so?” I asked?

“Well, my husband would ride behind me, on the back seat. I always rode in the front seat and steered. But he wouldn’t peddle! He just let me do all the work. When I applied the brake, then he would start peddling!”

Now, this husband worked against his wife only to tease her, but in many marriages the husband and wife fight against each other over much more serious issues. Rather than making a joint effort towards a common goal, they end up battling for their rights. Each of them has an individual goal and tries to make their spouse go in their direction, at their pace. Marriage becomes a struggle rather than a partnership.

Just like that tandem bike, every marriage takes two partners working together, for you need agreement to ride a bicycle-built-for-two. That makes all the difference. With agreement we develop marital coordination. Without it, we develop marital confusion.

Our son, Matt, grew up watching his mom and I work together in the kitchen. “It’s like a dance,”  he told us one evening. “You guys seem to anticipate each other’s actions and move together.” Matt saw our teamwork for what it was: a dance of love. We may not dance the waltz, but we are really good at the kitchen dance. It comes from practice. Years of it.

Cooperation Killers

It is not hard to find the attitudes that kill cooperation. Every coach encounters them when he trains his teams. Every conductor encounters them when building an orchestra. As a counselor, I see them too. Here are a few to consider:

Controlling behaviors

A controlling person always causes tension and unrest, making the ride shaky and unpleasant, even on the smooth parts of the road. They cause more confusion, and less coordination. We don’t get married to control each other, do we?  Instead, we want to learn how to work together while pursuing a common goal. That brings so much more fulfillment.

Rigid Thinking

If I am rigid- unbending, and unyielding- I will frustrate our unity. Marriage requires flexibility, and flexibility only comes from humility. That word, humility, can make us feel uncomfortable, right? Don’t fear it. Pursue it, for with a humble, flexible attitude life is easier for everyone.

Coasting, Not Contributing

If I refuse to bear my share of the load, I will sabotage our unity. I know husbands and wives who think that marriage is a free ride, like the man on the tandem bicycle. They will not take any responsibility for their marriage, or make any effort for the sake of their spouses or children. They coast, but they don’t contribute.  Start peddling! Your marriage needs your full participation.

Agreement does not mean that the milder partner gives in to the more forceful one, or that the quiet partner gives in to the outspoken one. When that happens hidden conflicts appear. The milder one must learn how to express an opinion or a conviction clearly. And the stronger one must learn to tone down and slow down.

After 45 years of marriage, I am still the more dominant one in the relationship. Actually, Diane likes it that way. But she and I have blended our styles to give our marriage its own unique flavor. It’s not all me, or all her. It is us, expressing life as a unit, though still individuals.

In a letter to some people he loved, Paul expressed this desire:

I urge you, then, to make me completely happy by having the same thoughts, sharing the same love, and being one in soul and mind. (Philippians 2.2, Good News Translation)

Ride on, lovers, ride on!

Your Marriage: A Great Place to Grow

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Is your marriage promoting health and growth for both of you? Many marriages do just the opposite. The people in them wither. Like struggling trees in a polluted environment, they are choking, longing for some fresh air and sunshine. But with God’s help we can create a healthy atmosphere in our marriages and homes, an atmosphere that helps everyone in the family flourish.

People thrive in an atmosphere of love and grace. With love and grace filling the air, we are far more likely to reach our potential. Make your marriage a great place to grow.

Read: Numbers 6:22-27

Pray and Believe for God’s Best

Praying for your husband or wife is the absolute, number one, very best thing you can do. Nothing can do what prayer does. Why? Because in prayer we bring needy people under the powerful, loving influence of God. Believe me, all of us are needy people and no one knows that better than our spouses. So all of us need God and need someone who prays for us.

I have noticed that there is a great difference between praying ABOUT someone and praying FOR someone. It’s a change in focus. When I pray ABOUT I see the person as a problem. When I pray FOR I see the person as someone who needs God just as much as I do. And I really need God. That’s why I am glad to have a wife who prays for me, not about me.

Not a person of many words? Then know the great words. BLESS is a great word. That one word can contain a whole heart of positive desire. When we say, “Bless my husband,” or “Bless my wife,” we are asking our God to infuse their lives with all his wisdom, love, power, and security. We are praying for wholeness and completeness in every possible dimension of life. We are asking God to prosper our partner, to make our spouse flourish like a healthy tree. We are praying for protection, correction, personal development, and all provision. We are asking the almighty God to pour his riches, his fulness, into their emptiness. That, and much more, is what it means to bless our partner. The passage we read in Numbers six ends with these powerful words: “So shall they put my name upon the people of Israel, and I will bless them.”

As you pray for blessing, your heart and mind will expand. You may move from a general prayer of blessing to specific expressions of blessing that are right for your spouse right now. You’ll pray for health and healing; for deliverance and ongoing freedom; for prosperity and wisdom.

Praying and believing for God’s best for your spouse is not always easy. You will encounter resistance, but probably not from your husband or wife. Lies, fear, false guilt, even pride can stop the power of blessing in a life. Most of us have some amount of those infecting us. So Jesus tells us to never stop praying. Pray for blessing, and pray too for the overthrow of all obstacles to blessing.

Too many husbands and wives live with spouses who never speaks their names in prayer. Don’t let your spouse be one of those. Pray and believe for God’s best.

Staying Power

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What is the greatest difference between couples who build successful marriages and those who don’t? In most cases the difference is the presence or absence of purposeful love. Some think love is a hazy thing, like early morning fog in a valley. It’s pretty, almost mystical, but the heat melts it away. Others think love is all about passionate feelings and powerful, knee-shaking kisses. Great stuff, romantic too, but not true love.

One young Singaporean woman, famous for her blog,  gloried in her image as a “Party Girl.” She said she engaged in “sex for fun,” and loved the party life. According to her blog,  time-tested moral principles are outdated, confining, and dangerous to her freedom of self-expression.

Singapore Party Girl wrote about lots of sexual partners of all races, all for the “fun” of it. But I wonder.  Does anybody really love her? Is there anyone she truly loves? Restless as a bee in a field of flowers, she goes from one encounter to another. Lots of lust, but where is the love that helps her become all God intends her to be?

Sam and Jane have been married twenty years. That’s staying power, isn’t it? Well, yes, but you wouldn’t want what they have. Their marriage has been a long grey silence, with rare bright moments. Lasting, but not successful. Dreary, like twenty years of cloudy days. Why have they stayed married? They ask the same question, but don’t have an answer. It usually comes down to obligation. Do Sam and Jane love each other? Doubtful. They live separate lives–hardly thinking about what will help their partner. They do the minimum to keep marriage bearable, not the exceptional that makes marriage beautiful.

Remember this: True love helps. Hold that thought and you will never again have any trouble understanding love. The person who loves you helps you, and the person you love, you help.

I Corinthians 13, from the New Testament in the Holy Bible, is part of almost every Christian wedding. These verses are so familiar that we put them on plaques and even on coffee mugs. But we overlook their practical power for a lasting marriage. Read them carefully, though, and you’ll find the kind of determined love that gives a marriage staying power. Here is just one segment of that chapter.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (I Corinthians 13:4-7, NIV)

Patience helps. Patience means giving our spouse time to change and grow. Patience frees us from the compelling need to force our partner to change. When patience is present, complaining isn’t. As God reminded me when I was a youth: “Be patient with others; others are patient with you.” No, we cannot tolerate some behaviors, and should not tolerate them. Those are the exceptions, not the rule. If you want a lasting, loving marriage, you need patience.

Kindness helps. Kindness is the quality that does not like to inflict pain. How many marriages are long histories of unkind words born in angry, irritable hearts?

Avoiding envy and boasting helps. Can a man envy his wife, a woman envy her husband? Oh, yes. They can envy abilities, temperament, friendships– anything their partner has they don’t have, or don’t think they have. Envy sours personal progress and growth, because we know our partner will feel threatened by our achievements.

The flip side of envy is boasting. We can do it so expertly and subtly. We usually don’t crow like roosters over our accomplishments. We just act superior and condescending toward our husband or wife. We feel big, but we make our partner feel small.

Refusing arrogance or rudeness helps. Author C.S. Lewis, in his book, The Four Loves, noted that we often treat everyone more politely than we treat our own family members. It is true. We interrupt each other, criticize each other, and use tones of voice with our spouse and children that no one else would tolerate. Considerate words are helpful words.

Refusing to insist on my own way helps. The person who always wants his own way is spoiled, like the child of indulgent parents. But reasonable, adaptable person build loving, lasting marriages.

Refusing irritability helps. Why do we get so easily angered? Sometimes it is because our overall stress levels are too high. We store up pressure like a steam engine, and the least irritation causes a blow-up. Then we blame the person who irritated us. We need to depressurize, and the best way to do that is to slow down, calm down, and pray. If you do react in irrational anger, ask forgiveness as soon as you can. That shows that you know your words and your tone were unloving.

Forgiveness helps. Is your spouse married to an evil accountant? Do you have a mental ledger where you keep a record of their faults and mistakes? Do you open that ledger every time you want to gain an advantage? If so, it can’t be love. The greatest Lover, God, has no record of our confessed sins. Destroy the ledger. Forgive!

Refusing to rejoice at wrongdoing helps. If you get any secret pleasure when something bad happens to your spouse, you are rejoicing at wrongdoing. Have you ever said, “Ha! I told you so! Serves you right.” When you do that, you are rejoicing in wrongdoing. A marriage would have to be in bad shape for either partner to have this attitude, but some do.

Rejoicing in the truth helps. What does ‘rejoicing in the truth’ mean in a marriage? It means that one of your greatest joys will be discovering what is true so you can stop believing what isn’t true. Every lie you believe is one more week that is choking the life out of your marriage. On the other hand, truth nourishes your marriage. We have a good article on recognizing truth and lies. Booby Traps and Blowups

Finally, real love is strong. It doesn’t allow us to give up easily, to stop believing for God’s best, to lose hope, or to quit when marriage is hard. It really is love that gives us staying power.

Choose love each day, and you’ll be in love for a lifetime. As Gloria Gaither wrote, “I am loved, I am loved; I can risk loving you, for the One who knows me best loves me most. I am love, I am loved, won’t you please take my hand? We are free to love each other. We are loved.”