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What color would you use to describe passion? Walk through the romance section at any bookstore. You’ll find yourself surrounded by shades of purple and red. Each cover advertises the passions waiting for you on its pages. They use a lot of silky legs and bared male torsos, too.
Publishers know their customers well. Many people hunger for sexual passion. Some read such books to prime what little passion they have, or to replace a passion lost or never experienced.
Red and purple have their place, but in marriage, that palette is far too limited. Marital passion does include sex, but only as a part of a much broader picture.
If I were painting a marriage, I would use many colors to express passion. Bright yellows for those glorious days that glow with life. Shades of green to show the growth and life that passion brings. I would even add some browns and greys – colors that represent the usual days with their down-to-earth duties and quiet endurance, a background showcasing life in all its hues.
And, I think I would need a little black, too. Black, like the darkness that surrounds us when a loved one is ill. Black, like the despondency that chokes us when life is unfair. Black, like the fear we feel when we must make a major decision, but have no idea what to do.
One master painter, Ver Meer, had a genius for the use of white. Combined with his amazing perception of light, his whites gave his paintings luminance, as though they had some hidden source for their radiance. Yes, I would add white to my marriage painting, to represent the hidden radiance that lights up all healthy marriages and makes them shine. You have seen it, and when you see it you wish for it.
In marriage, passion is far more than romance and sex. Passion is a deep, abiding desire to experience a lasting, satisfying, edifying marriage. That’s why you need so many colors to portray it. Passion is much more than emotion. Popular culture never separates the two. In that fantasy world, passion equals emotion. In real life, passion can motivate us even when our emotions feel flat.
The core for this kind of passion – the force that keeps it throbbing in a marriage, comes from a combination of commitment and determination. I love to see that in couples. I know that with those qualities, and some patience and forbearance, they will paint a mural of great and subtle beauty.
Sadly, some marriages seem to lack color. It’s as though the couple never learned how to make all the moments, with all their hues, part of their painting. They exist. But do they live?
I watched a man of eighty-eight, still healthy, caring for his wife, who has Parkinson’s Disease. They are all out of red and purple. They know that the time for those colors has passed. But how they paint! In kind words and thoughtful actions, I watch them love each other. Even black days have points of light where their love shines through.
In marriage, we paint by moments on a canvas of days. Our brushes are actions and words. Our colors are attitudes. Stroke by stroke, dot by dot, the painting grows. Each husband, each wife, adds to the canvas. And each canvas can become a masterpiece.
This is the last article in the Growing a Great Marriage Series. You may want to return to the English Home page to see what other materials are available.
After 34 years of marriage and ministry, Diane and I were right in the middle of one of the biggest changes of our lives. We had to sell our house, most of our belongings, say goodbye to our friends and families, and move to another country, nine thousand miles away. You can imagine the stresses.We had done it before, a few times actually. But somehow such moves never get easier.
Some marriages breakdown during major changes. That usually means that they had little relational strength before the challenge came. You’ve heard the stories. The children marry and move away. Now the couple, alone with years of disappointments, see no reason to stay together- only a long list of unmet needs and unresolved conflicts. So they go their separate ways. If you do not want a future like that, you have to start preparing for a different future right now. No matter what the change, it always puts stress on your relationship to your spouse, your children, and others. Like the Boy Scout motto says, “Be prepared.” My friend Tom says, “You never know what’s around the next corner.”
Diane and I have built our life on trusting God- staying close to him and to each other. Have we had frustrations? We have, we do, and we will. But we face them together. We have long lists of answered prayers, forgiven offenses, and incredible joys, all because of God’s faithfulness.
Transition is a road, not just a destination. So here are some rules for the road that will help you reach your goal:
Total confidence in God comes from total commitment to God. But partial commitment brings partial confidence. Remember Proverbs 3:5 – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart . . .”
Watch for God’s wisdom and provision at every turn. These instructions from Proverbs 4 have been a great help to me recently:
“Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; then stick to the path and stay safe. Don’t get sidetracked; keep your feet from following evil.” — Proverbs 4:25-27 (New Living Translation)
Be open to any revision or adjustment he wants you to make.
Tell God that you will willingly change anything about the decision that isn’t wise. If you have missed his direction in any way, readily change or even stop. God will help you get back on track.
Both Diane and I have struggled through our own insecurities and fears. At times it seemed that we were on different sides with different viewpoints. But we have stayed open to persuasion, and have tried to be patient with each other. Because of that we move as one, and the changes draw us even closer.
Depending on our emotional makeup and experience, different aspects of a change will challenge us. I hope you will always be able to say, “My spouse was there for me, encouraging, listening and supporting.” And I hope that you will be that supportive encourager that your husband or wife needs right now.
Remember: Isolation: bad! Involvement: good!
Changes affect everyone . . . even people you might overlook. Our neighbor wept for two days when she heard the news about our move. She and her family had felt very safe with us next door, and my wife has been a friend and a support to her. Many years later, we are still good friends, though we rarely see each other.
We discussed the changes with our sons and their wives, our parents, and our church leaders. Informing and consulting show you care, and lead to better decisions. True, too many voices can cause confusion. But it’s also true that several wise counselors can enhance our safety. Friends, family members, and leaders have given us important insights during our seasons of change. Yours will do the same for you.
“What if” statements are what David Burns, author of the book, Feeling Good, calls fortune-telling. No one knows the future, but we can know God. Use wisdom, plan appropriately in proportion to the scope of the decision, and you will do just fine.
“If only . . .” That’s the way second-guessing starts. Once you know you have made a wise decision that pleases God, stay on course. When tests come, affirm your faith in God.
Change can really wear us down, even if it’s a good change. So here are a few ways to stay fresh.
That’s it, friends. As for us, Diane and I have come this far by faith, in a faithful God. And like that old song says, “He’s never failed us yet.” He won’t fail you, either. Believe it!
God always entrusts his treasures to ordinary people. One such person is a man I would love to meet in heaven. He was a craftsman, a carpenter, but he could have been anything . . . plumber, farmer, shepherd, or even a scholar. His occupation isn’t the important thing. His character is. It’s not what he did, but how he lived that makes him Mister Right.
This man lived at a time when many people used religion as a cosmetic. It was useful for hiding blemishes and giving an imaginary glow of righteousness. But Mister Right had no use for cosmetic religion. He truly believed in God and tried, in every way, to orient his life with God’s commands.
You would have liked him, respected him, and trusted him. I know God did. For he chose this everyday man, this carpenter from Nazareth and Bethlehem, to be husband to Mary, and the guardian of Jesus, the Son of God. Joseph is Mister Right.
As a husband and a father figure, Joseph has much to teach us. Looking at his life in the few verses that describe him, I see why God trusted him with his treasures. I see the kind of man every wife and child needs, and I see the kind of man God makes us, if we’ll let him.
Joseph was fully devoted to God, therefore, a righteous man. (Matthew 1:16ff). He centered his life on pleasing God. As I have said so often, to so many groups, it is the center that matters, because your center controls your thoughts, actions, and relationships.
Joseph may have been ordinary, but he had the qualities that always make a man a true success:
Faithfulness. Faithful men are reliable, dependable, predictable, and consistent. They make promises carefully and keep the promises they make.
A sense of honor. Matthew tells us that even when Joseph had the legal right to shame Mary, he would not. That’s quite a lesson for those of us who make the slightest offense an excuse for retribution.
Responsiveness. Joseph listened to messages God sent through the angels, and adjusted his plans to God’s plans.
Self-control. Joseph didn’t have sexual relations with Mary until after the birth of Jesus. Yet how many men become sullen, pouting like little children, when, for some good reason, their wives are not sexually available to them?
Humility. It wasn’t all about him. He wasn’t the star, and didn’t need to be.
Support. If they gave awards for the best man in a supporting role, Joseph would win the Oscar. Yet his role satisfied him. Mary could feel secure with Joseph, knowing she had his full support. Supportive men make secure wives.
Adaptability. Some of us are so rigid. Everything has to be done our way or we become uncooperative. I know two causes for rigidity: pride and fear. Both harden our hearts and make us hard to live with. Joseph had the sense to know that God was doing something greater than his five-year plan, and the wisdom to adapt. I am sure he is not sorry. Surrender your agenda and discover God’s higher purpose.
Preparation. God trained and prepared Joseph for this extraordinary responsibility. He probably didn’t know it at the time, for his training occurred in everyday ways. We, too, are in preparation for something bigger than what we know, so we might consider how we can pay attention and live purposefully.
No doubt, Joseph was an imperfect man. He had his struggles, but always yielded to God’s will.
It is an honor, the greatest honor, when God trusts us with a treasure, and that honor always makes us thankful people. Feeling any other way would be wrong for Mister Right. Like his young wife Mary, he could say, “My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior. For he who is mighty has done great things, and holy is his name!”
“Father God, thank you for men like Joseph. We acknowledge you as the very center of our lives. Make us right men, living in right ways, for the right reasons, to the honor and glory of your Name. Amen.”
Kimberly has a problem. Her marriage to Carl is in bad shape, but Carl won’t discuss it or help repair it. Can Kim do anything that will make a difference?
In marriage, positive change requires joint action. So, if one marriage partner doesn’t want improvement, what can the other partner do? More than you think. Actually, in most damaged marriages, healing begins when one mate sees the possibility of healing and starts the process.
Are you that person? Will you be the one who lets healing begin? It isn’t easy, and there is no guarantee that your partner will change, but your efforts will still make a positive difference.
As you work for healing in your marriage, guard against destructive attitudes. Like outlaws, they gang up on weak, hurting people. Here’s a short description of each gang member so you’ll recognize them:
It hurts, really hurts, when your spouse rejects you and your desire for improvement. Be honest about your pain, but reject self-pity.
Self-pity is such an innocent looking little attitude, a baby-faced bandit. In a weird way, we even like it. It’s more dangerous than it looks. Self-pity never leads us to God, never improves the situation, and never improves us. It only makes us want to give up, crawl into a hole, and bury ourselves.
Self-pity can lead to self-destruction. It whispers, “End it all. Escape the pain and shame.” For some people self-destruction means a suicide attempt. Others would never take their own life in one deadly moment, but they kill themselves by degrees. They stop caring for themselves. They overeat, guzzle alcohol, stop exercising, and become careless about their appearance. They isolate themselves, sending signals that warn away anyone who would come close.
To defeat self-pity, put your problem in perspective. Yes, your spouse is unresponsive. Yes, you feel used and abused. But you are not the only one. Millions of men and women have felt just what you feel right now, but they haven’t let self-pity strangle them. You have other reasons to live, to grow, to reach out.
A lady wrote to us recently about a major breakthrough. Her husband did not share her faith in God, and self-pity almost strangled her. But she learned to stop focusing solely on her husband for her happiness. Instead, she finds her strength, her joy, and the love she needs in God, who is all love. With that attitude the way is open for God to work in her husband’s life.
Is anger ever right? Yes. Appropriate anger, properly expressed, is necessary. In the Bible Paul said, “In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun set while you are still angry.” (Ephesians 4:26, NIV) If your spouse has left a trail of broken promises, you should feel angry. If his or her immaturity has caused pain and turmoil for you and the children, passivity would be dangerous. Right anger, rightly expressed, can help bring positive change.
Improper anger is different. This anger entices you to stab, to wound, to pay back hurt for hurt. It tells you that you have the right to better treatment than this! This anger doesn’t make anything better. It only destroys.
Bitterness will tell you to blame God, and ultimately lead you away from God.
Millions of people watch CNN, the Cable News Network. CNN’s founder is Ted Turner. Mr. Turner once was quoted as saying, “Christianity is a religion for losers.” That’s a harsh thing to say about a religion that has brought health and healing to more people, in more places, than his network has ever reached. It also reflects badly on Jesus Christ, the center of Christianity.
What would cause such bitterness? Mr. Turner’s sister suffered from Lupus, a horrible disease that eventually killed her, but not until she had endured five years of agony. That was all the proof young Ted needed to find God guilty of gross neglect.
I don’t know anyone who can explain the unfair, senseless pain and suffering that fills our world. But the Bible speaks about it. When life looked senseless to the writer of Psalm 73, he admitted that he nearly lost his footing, like a person on a slippery slope. Then he went into God’s presence. There he found, not answers, but understanding. Try reading that psalm for yourself. It’s a great antidote to bitterness.
We have two more outlaw attitudes to identify: vengeance and self-indulgence. They usually don’t come out until the other gang members have laid the groundwork.
Vengeance says, “I’ll get even. I’ll make her pay. I’ll give him a taste of his own medicine.” When someone hurts us, vengeance always seems justified, but it’s not the way of Jesus. The way of Jesus is mercy. Mercy causes us to give people, not what they deserve, but what we would need if we were in their place.
Self-indulgence tells you that you have a right to be happy and a right to gratification. It suggests that you give yourself all that your spouse has stolen from you, even if you have to steal it from someone else. Like self-pity, it leads to over-eating, over-spending, and quite often, sexual unfaithfulness.
Now that you know some dangerous attitudes to avoid, let’s consider some powerful, positive actions that make a difference.
What better thing can you do than pray? It is the first and most important action to save your marriage and your husband or wife. There is no special secret to effective praying. Just pour out your heart in honesty to God, your Heavenly Father. He will hear you. Tell Him how you feel about your marriage, about yourself, and about your husband or wife. Ask Him to show you any attitudes in yourself that He wants to change.
Honest prayer includes truthfulness about your own wrong attitudes and actions. So, do not let prayer become an exercise in self-justification.
Jesus told the story of one man, a real hypocrite, who went to God’s house to pray. “I thank you, O God, that I am not like other men,” he boasted. You could almost hear God say. “No, you’re not like other men. You’re worse!”
Praying honestly means you sincerely want God to change you, not only your spouse and your marriage.
A good confession has great power. How are you talking about your husband or wife, about yourself, and about your marriage? More than that, how are you thinking? Our thoughts can be like recordings that play repeatedly in our minds. Often, those recordings are nothing but lies and negative words. I am not suggesting that you can change the course of history just by thinking good thoughts and speaking sweet words. I am convinced, however, that much of our unbelief and cynicism shows up in our thoughts and words. Change them. Speak and think the truth. It really helps.
This is a difficult thing to do, but remember: you cannot change your spouse, only God can. When we commit a person to God, we pray a very serious prayer: “Lord God, do whatever is necessary to bring my husband or wife to you, to their senses, and back to me.” Such a prayer includes the one who prays it, for God will probably change you before He changes your spouse.
Be willing to see what there is about you that might stall the healing process. You must be careful here, for examination can easily lead to depression if it isn’t done with the help of the Spirit of God. He keeps us from becoming depressed and hopeless when we see the things about ourselves that He wants to change.
“How long, O Lord, how long!” the Psalmist cried. It is our cry, too. We just cannot see why it is taking so long for our spouse to see the light, and change.
One of the best pictures of patience in the Bible is the picture of a farmer:
Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. (James 4:7, NIV)
As I write this, part of America is experiencing a serious drought. Farmers are plowing their crops into the ground, for there is no hope that they will grow. They waited as long as they could wait, but the rains never came.
We can understand why they gave up on their harvest, but why are you giving up on yours? Waiting on God and hoping in God always takes longer than we think it will, but the fruit is worth the wait. The time might come when you will need to take a different action, but don’t move too hastily.
Paul said our struggle is not with flesh and blood, but with dark spiritual powers. Read Ephesians, chapter six, verse eleven. Paul also tells us that God has equipped us for the struggle. When he says “Put on the armor of God,” he means that we should use it, trusting in that armor to protect us and give us victory.
Is there a guarantee that your husband or wife will change? Is healing a certainty? With all my heart I wish I could say “Yes,” but that would not be honest. Even so, taking these steps will make it more possible for your spouse to respond to the magnetic power of God.
Can one partner make a difference? Absolutely. Will you be the one who starts the process of renewal in your marriage? Your future is only hopeless as long as no one takes the first steps. Even if your spouse is unresponsive, let the healing begin with you.