Booby Traps and Blowups

It wasn’t a great day for the Wilson marriage. Ninety-nine percent of their days were just wonderful, but this wasn’t one of them. If the day I am talking about had been videotaped, they would certainly want it erased.

It all started with an innocent comment Joyce, the wife, made about a project she and George had been working on. Joyce and their son, Morgan, had found a solution that George had spent hours tracking down. George should have felt happy about the solution. “Good job! That’s great!” That would have been a healthy response. But he didn’t. George became sullen, brooding, even angry. Actually, his reaction surprised him. It wasn’t the way he wanted to act, and he certainly didn’t plan it. His reaction was completely out-of sync with his usual responses. So why did he do it?

George analyzed that for hours. As we discussed the reaction, he said that he felt offended that he was left out. He wanted to feel that he was part of the process, a supplier of answers, a problem-solver. Instead he felt useless. Joyce and Morgan surely didn’t need his help. They had it all figured out.

In responding like that, he was actually accusing them of an unloving, thoughtless attitude. I know Joyce and Morgan. They don’t deserve that accusation, for that is never their attitude. Why was believing that lie so easy for George?

One of the greatest fears for an army on patrol in hostile territory is the booby trap. The enemy stretches a thin wire across the trail, just at ankle level. When the soldier trips it an explosion blows off his foot or leg. If he lives, it takes months for the wounds to heal, but the painful memory could well last for a lifetime.

Once a soldier has tripped a booby trap, the atmosphere changes. Every other soldier acts more cautiously, and no one wants to lead the patrol. That happens in marriages, too. Unexpected explosions cause tension. Neither partner wants to take the lead in communicating for fear that some innocent step will cause an explosive reaction.

Admit it. We are a booby trapped race. The trip wires, innocently triggered by our spouses, prompt reactions that surprise us in their intensity.

Where do we get them? Who planted these lethal devices in our lives? Hard questions, and the answers depend on how you look at life. Some psychologists believe that we base our actions and responses almost totally on inherited characteristics, or our nature. Others believe that our upbringing is more important in determining how we act and respond.

People who base their view of life on the Bible understand that actions and responses come from three sources: nature, upbringing, and life experiences. We do have inherited tendencies. We did develop some reactions because of earlier unpleasant experiences in our homes or schools. And life itself, with all its joys and trials, has left an imprint, too.

Dynamite

Are booby traps sin? Or are they only human weaknesses? How does a person defuse them if he or she doesn’t know they are there? Let’s see if we can dismantle George’s booby trap and examine its mechanism.

• There is a lie: Recalling my earlier story, since Joyce and Morgan found a solution to the problem, George believed his work had no value. A lie, of course, and how easy to recognize it in hindsight, but not at the moment of explosion.
• There is a false assumption: Since his wife and son had solved the problem George’s mind told him his part was unnecessary. They didn’t need him. For that matter, did anyone need him? Wasn’t he just a stupid, unimportant man?
• There is a false accusation: “Joyce and Morgan have discredited me. They do not appreciate the part I played,” his thoughts said.

George really did know better than that. He is blessed with a wonderful, loving, supportive wife and son. As a family, they had developed enduring habits of caring and helping. Nevertheless, in the moment the booby trap exploded, nothing true seemed real. The lies looked like the realities.

The process resembles dynamite. With dynamite you need a fuse, a trigger of some sort (usually a blasting cap), and the dynamite itself. We believe a lie, then attach a false assumption to it, then make a condemning accusation. Soon we have all the pieces in place for a powerful, destructive explosion.

I should add that some people do not respond by exploding. They respond by imploding. Outwardly they are quiet, almost too quiet. That’s because all the force of their reaction has gone inside. They sulk. They allow the lies, like shards of broken glass, to tear them to pieces. In other words, they internalize the destruction. Imploders may look untroubled, but the lies are still there, lacerating their souls.

We could blame the person who stepped on it, and often do. “If you were more careful with your words, I wouldn’t explode!” we tell them. We feel embarrassed because we reacted so explosively, so we accuse the person who innocently stepped on the trigger. By doing that we make the other party feel guilty and angry. We can also blame ourselves. “It’s all my fault!” we exclaim with a snarl or a pout. We kick ourselves like a hateful man kicking a mongrel dog. We become depressed and close everyone out.

Disarmament

What is left if blaming others or ourselves causes such damage? Here’s a helpful strategy:

• Cool down. That may take a little while, but it is absolutely necessary in order to restore clarity.
• Ask God to forgive you for the wrong reaction. He will do it, I promise.
• Tell the other person you’re sorry for the reaction.
• Ask God to help you repair the damage and embrace the truth.

Wise spouses give each other time and space to cool down. They forgive impulsive responses. They accept apologies, whether the apology comes in formal words or in actions. Wise spouses reassure the exploder of their love and acceptance. They do not blame themselves for the blowups they did not cause.

Will we ever get rid of all our booby traps? Perhaps not. But the explosions will be less frequent and less damaging if we respond in the right way, with a humble attitude.

The Bible, my personal handbook for life, has great advice for booby-trapped people. Paul encourages us to . . .be made new in the attitude of your minds. (Ephesians 4:23)

Clearly our mind is the place where the booby traps are hidden, the source of our intense, unreasonable responses. To be renewed in the attitude of your mind simply means allowing God to transform your thoughts. Making that choice is often harder than we imagine. As we saw earlier, the reason lies in mankind’s most dangerous condition, pride. Pride prevents renewal, but humility speeds it along.

Can you humbly ask God to forgive you for your reactions and help you to know the truth? Make that choice, and keep making it, and you will see a definite difference. I know George has.

Think, Act, Pray

In each of these stories try to identify the lies, distortions, or false assumptions. Then identify a true statement that would replace each faulty thought.

1. Heather had spent two hours making spaghetti sauce according to her mother-in-law’s family recipe. When Charles tasted it he commented that he thought it needed more salt. Heather dissolved in tears. “I’m a terrible cook,” she sobs. “I’ll never be able to please you.”

2. A colleague casually mentions to Robert that he had seen his wife, Cheryl, having lunch with another man. Seething inside, Robert went home that night in a dark mood. He doesn’t speak during dinner, and hardly looks at Cheryl. She wonders what is wrong? Finally, in great anger, Robert shouts, “You are having lunch with other men! Am I not good enough for you? Maybe I should find someone else, too!"

The Private Garden, our next article in this series, will give you a new appreciation for sexual intimacy.