The Thankful Lover

At no time in his life had my friend Ken ever heard his father thank his mother. No matter what she did, big or small, her husband would not appreciate it. Sometimes she tried to force him to express appreciation by doing some distasteful task, like cleaning the mud off his shoes. She didn’t want much. She just wanted to know the man she married needed her and appreciated her.

Over the years Ken’s mom became mentally ill, and because of that, unpredictable. Late in his life, Ken’s dad developed a painful illness that put him in hospital. One day when Ken went to visit his dad he found his mother there. She had a big jar of greasy ointment which she intended to use to massage her husband’s back. Thinking that would only make his dad feel more miserable, and knowing that his mother was a little crazy, Ken intended to stop her.

But he didn’t. He watched as she scooped out a large glob of ointment and spread it on her sick husband’s back. As she rubbed, she kept asking, in her dreamy, feeble-minded voice, “Is it all right, darling? Is it all right?” For the first time in his life, the first time in more than thirty years, Ken heard his father appreciate his mother: “Yes, darling, it’s all right. Thank you.”

Ken’s father died the next day. But that is not the end of the story. From the moment her husband thanked her, Ken’s mother changed. Her mind began healing. What a pity her husband hadn’t thanked her years before, and often.

I wonder how many of us have partners who are withering inside, like a plant without water, because we don’t thank and appreciate them.

People in Asia, where my wife and I have spent many years, are great at appreciation. Dinners, expensive gifts to valued customers, lavish gift baskets at Chinese New Year and Christmas– all display the value they place on clients and customers. During our time in Asia my wife and I were recipients of that appreciation many times. Each time it refreshed and strengthened. Yet we know that some of those who expressed such sincere appreciation to us rarely thanked and appreciated their marriage partners.

What Would You Miss?

In one of our marriage seminars I asked our friends, Art and Eugenia, to stage a big argument right in the middle of the session. They did it superbly. They stood apart, arms folded, glaring at each other as if angry. Then I got an idea. Pretending my white board marker was a gun, I shot the wife. Good actress that she is, she collapsed convincingly. Then I said to her husband, "Art, I just shot your wife dead. What do you miss?" Tears came to his eyes. He told us that he missed the woman who was such a great mom to his kids. But what he missed most was his best friend.

When he said that, a miracle happened! Eugenia was resurrected from the dead, ran to her husband, and said, "Honey, why didn't you say so before?"

Another man at the seminar, Joe, was married to his first wife, Mary, for many years. They had a good life. Then cancer attacked Miriam, eventually killing her. For many months Fred grieved for his wife, often breaking into tears at unexpected moments when a poignant memory would pierce his heart.

That happened one day when he was ironing some handkerchiefs. “I wonder,” he said to himself as his tears fell, “how many handkerchiefs she ironed for me?” Calculating the number of handkerchiefs he used in a week, and the number of years they were married, Fred estimated that she had ironed several thousand. “Did I ever thank her?” he thought.

Not long after that, Fred was looking through a box of his wife’s keepsakes. He found a note he had written many years earlier. He couldn’t remember exactly when. It simply said, “Thank you . . . for ironing all my handkerchiefs.”

If Fred could talk to you personally, he would encourage you to appreciate your spouse every day, for the day may come when you will not have the opportunity.

When we appreciate each other, we invigorate each other. We impart new life and purpose. And we let our spouses know that they are meeting needs in our lives that no one else could meet.

Medical science will probably find, if they haven’t found it already, that appreciated people live longer, healthier lives. It wouldn’t surprise me.

Why not start, today, making life healthier for your spouse? Make appreciation and thankfulness a daily practice, a habit that never dies. You'll be thankful you did.

Think, Act, Pray

1. Begin a thankful list for your spouse. Be sure to include some specifics, not just generalities.

2. Find at least one opportunity to thank your spouse today. Do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, until appreciation becomes a habit in your marriage.

Our next article in this series is The Tender Lover. Read it and discover just how important tenderness is.