Trust

It amazes me that experts on marriage do not talk about trust more than they do. They discuss compatibility, even administer personality profiles to help a couple see how they match up. All fine, and very worthwhile. But if the intent of marriage is to build and maintain a uniquely intimate relationship, then nothing can be more important than trust. We simply do not develop intimacy with someone we don't trust. Furthermore, the depth of our intimacy will be in direct proportion to the depth of our trust.

Diane and I met in college and married just after graduation. Both of us felt we were making a good choice, but I wanted to know if there was one quality about me (beside my good looks!) that gave Diane the confidence to marry me. So one day I asked her just why she married me.

We have asked many couples that question during counseling. Some common responses: "He swept me off my feet." She was just what I wanted." Well, it seemed like the thing to do at the time." I prayed and God said he was the one." "I don't know."

Diane had a different response, and one we have not heard from many people. Diane told me she married me because she knew she could trust me. For Diane, that was the core issue. Yes, she felt we had compatibility. She enjoyed my company. She felt good when she was with me. She liked the way I treated her parents, and I probably did sweep her off her feet a little. But it was trust that mattered most to her.

Her answer led me to another question. “Why did you know you could trust me?” Diane told me she knew she could trust me because I honored God. “I know you’re not perfect, Mike,” she said, “but I also know that when God speaks, you listen.”

I hope that has always been true. In our thirty-three years of marriage we have certainly had many opportunities to trust each other and to earn each other's trust. The heart of our trust for each other is our mutual desire to honor God in our choices and decisions.

Submitting our wills to God is the best way to develop a core of trust in our marriages. When I honor God I make my promises carefully and keep the promises I make. That’s an important point. Some people make promises with no intention of fulfilling them. They pledge their loyalty to gain acceptance or to get what they want. To them a promise is only a means to an end, therefore deceptive. Vows? Those are just words you say in a ceremony, not binding promises.

Serious Promisekeepers

Words are like people: some you like, some you love, and some you just don’t understand. Spouse has always been that kind of word for me. I didn't like it. It sounded too much like mouse, or even worse, louse! I disliked that word so much that for many years I would not use it in any article or seminar.

Like some people who seem disagreeable to you, a word can become your friend when you understand it. That happened when I uncovered the ancestry of the word spouse. Its father was a Latin word, spondere, and that word is full of meaning. Spondere means a solemn promise. So a spouse is someone who solemnly promises love and honor to his or her marriage partner.

Two other words share the same ancestor: responsive and responsible. Taken together, these words paint a great picture. A spouse promises to be both responsive and responsible for his or her actions. In other words, a good spouse encourages trust by faithfulness.

Having Trouble Trusting Your Spouse?

Yet even with a trustworthy spouse, some of us have may trouble trusting. Me, for example. For years I had difficulty trusting my wife about money. That was hard for Diane, for she is very responsible and did not deserve my distrust. My attitude frequently caused tension. But I justified my excessive accountability, claiming frugality as the reason. In truth, fear controlled me, a fear that if I did not squeeze every cent, we would not have enough.

Change began when I stopped justifying my behavior and admitted my need for God’s help. Diane prayed for me and trusted God to help me overcome my fears. She didn’t demand change. She even adapted herself to my weakness. In time, with God’s help and Diane’s patience, that controlling fear lost its power over me, and I was free to trust Diane in the way she really deserves.

So, why is it hard to trust? Our background and upbringing might be one reason. For example, you may have grown up in a home with parents who weren’t faithful to each other. That example can condition you to expect the same from your husband or wife, or at least to live in the fear of unfaithfulness. Fear always causes some degree of tension.

A little boy is out for a walk with his father. They come to a place where there is a wall about four feet high. The father lifts his son to the top of the wall and urges him to jump. "I'll catch you," he promises. But when the boy jumps the father steps aside and lets him fall. As the boy lays there crying, wondering why his dad let him fall, the father says, "Son, let that be a lesson to you to never trust anyone."

That is a true story. That little boy grew up manipulating and controlling people, but never trusting anyone. As you can imagine, he never developed true intimacy with anyone. Like a rolling stone, he kept moving from one relationship to another. He could not trust, only fear the next inevitable betrayal.

It's also possible that some well-meaning friend or relative told you that, eventually, everyone cheats. . . especially men! Add to that all the ruined marriages you hear about. Stir in some rotten examples from the media, and you have a recipe for fear. Your husband or wife may love you exclusively, but your fears dominate. Suspicion permeates your mind like a bad odor that won’t go away.

Whatever the cause of your fears, the usual result is a desire for excessive accountability and control. You want to know where every cent went, where the person is every moment. You become angry if he or she spends anything extra or ever comes home late. You believe that every other woman or man wants to steal your mate. You live in misery and so does your spouse.

It isn't easy to become trustworthy, or to learn to trust. But your personal relationship with God, through Christ, will make you a faithful, trustworthy person, and will bring healing from the disappointments in your past.

God has been delivering people from their fears for generations. Tell Him that you know your fears are unreasonable, but that you don’t have the power to change. Ask Him to help you know the truth, for when you do, the fears will die. Tensions will decrease, and restful security will grow where fear once ruled.

Think, Act, Pray

1.What has your spouse done in the past that helps you trust him or her?

2.What has your spouse done to make it difficult for you to trust him or her?

3. If you are not trusting someone who really is trustworthy, you are probably believing a lie. What is the lie that you are believing? What is the truth?

The Importance of Being Submitted to God

I once stayed in the home of a young, very successful businessman. He had started small, but his business grew rapidly. Unfortunately, his commitment to Christ withered just as rapidly. One day his wife spoke to me privately. “I worry about my husband,” she said. “He used to pray and read his Bible first thing each morning. Now, no more. When he wakes up, he first wants to see the stock market report. He speculates on the market day and night.” She also told me about a dream she had. She saw a large python come into her house, wrap itself around her children, and begin squeezing them. She said that snake stood for her husband’s love of money and that it was strangling her family.

4. If you had a dream that a snake was strangling your marriage, what would that snake's name be?

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Like Humpty Dumpty, who was broken beyond mending, trust can be smashed to pieces. Can it be restored? Absolutely. Read the next section, Restoring Trust , to find out how.