“What can I do to help?”
Simple, yes, but even so, a miracle-working question:
- It makes us givers, not takers.
- Our focus changes from getting our needs met to helping our partner.
- Since our marriage is important, we look for ways to make it wonderful.
- And, since helping takes time and attention (there is no other way to help), we will make sure that we give our marriage, and our spouse, enough time and attention.
This miracle question also creates hope. Many couples we counsel lost hope long ago. When you feel hopeless about your marriage, or about your marriage partner, every day is cloudy. You live with no sense of expectation, for you feel that every day will be as dull as the day before. It is marriage lived in the shadows, never in the sunlight. The miracle question changes all of that.
Some couples never think about their marriage with the miracle question in mind. From the beginning their marriage has been a competition, with each partner trying to get, not finding ways to to give. It makes me wonder why they married at all.
Others start well. Then, when life becomes demanding, their marriage is the first thing to suffer. A neglected marriage cannot refresh us, so we become more irritable, more demanding, and less hopeful. And maybe, maybe, we start looking for our fulfillment somewhere else.
The miracle question makes marriages beautiful. But you have to use it. It might be hard at first, a little like wearing contacts that hurt a little but gradually realign your vision. Soon you are so used to seeing life through them that everything else feels wrong.
The miracle question always results in a definite expression of love, because true love always helps. By asking the question and trying to answer it, you become a more loving husband or wife.
Start today. Look for anything you can do, say, or think that will help your spouse. Do it without calling notice to it, and keep doing it. Little by little you’ll start to experience the marriage you really want. For more help, read the next article, True Love Helps.